Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?

[Ali_008]

:sl:

Before I got married, my friends used to keep saying that I should have the polygyny questions done as soon as possible. Most of the times, it was brought up as a joke between us friends, but when I actually got married, I gave it a thought and asked my wife about it last Ramadaan. She instantly said no. I didn't insist anything, but I added that she shouldn't give the answer away as an impulse as what I'm asking is not something haraam, but something which Allah has permitted. She thought about it for a while, and then she said that she WOULD LET me take a second wife if I want to in the future. Although she also mentioned a couple of conditions which I found to be completely fair (but mighty expensive).

I don't want to take a second wife, but I wanted to know what my wife thought about it. Alhamdulillah, the discussion I had with her over it educated me so much more about what kind of polygyny is allowed in Islam. One of the conditions include that I should build her a house. That condition itself taught me that it is best that only the affluent class goes for multiple wives as they have the resources to maintain more than one household.

Along with that my wife added that she agreed to it because she feels that as Allah has allowed it then inshaAllah He will also provide her with the patience for dealing with it. MashaAllah I was very pleased to hear such pious words from my wife. In fact, after a few days I came to know about a hadeeth which says that when women are exposed to situations that make them jealous, and they hold fast to patience in such situations then those women are rewarded like the martyrs. I'm not sure about the authenticity of it, although I've read somewhere that it is da'eef.

As I have the green signal from my wife, I actually considered another wife, only to realize that another wife meant maintaining another household. That was enough to shoo me away as maintaining one household itself is pretty difficult in today's economy.

Sometimes, I also think that my wife would worry if I start making more money, because then I'll be able to afford another wife. ;D

There are also situations when a fellow Muslim sister is in need, and there's no one to take care of her. Helping a helpless Muslimah opens a door of rewards, and that's another motivation behind my wife's consent. Here and there, my wife has told me that if I take a second wife, I should use that opportunity to support someone in need.

So dear sisters, would you allow your husband to take another wife?

[Ali_008]

JazakAllah Khair for approving this thread.

['Abd-al Latif]

One of the conditions include that I should build her a house.

Is that what she wants for mahr?

[Ali_008]

^^ Nope. Her mahr is separate. She says I should be able to give her a separate place to live, and it has to be bought by me for her, not rented.

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['Abd-al Latif]

Bro, you got a looot more to learn. :hmm:

[Qurratul Ayn]

:salamext:

So dear sisters, would you allow your husband to take another wife?

No

[Mustafa2012]

It's not necessary for you to build a house for your 1st wife.

There's no evidence to suggest that as far as I'm aware of.

What she is entitled to is a separate comfortable dwelling which doesn't have to be owned. It can be rented.

If she is making a personal request as a condition for consenting to you having a 2nd wife then that is different, but from an Islamic point of view it is not required for you to build her a house.

This is why it's good to learn about the rights of a husband and also what rights the wife is entitled to, to prevent one party making things un-necessarily difficult for the other.

The other point is concerning whether a woman would let her husband take another wife.

Again the question here should really be, firstly can the husband fulfill the rights of the both wives properly?

And secondly would wife # 1 be able to handle her husband taking another wife?

[جوري]

What she is entitled is a comfortable dwelling which doesn't have to be owned. It can be rented.

as to the OP's Q.
I don't personally care, I suspect if I married for love it would be a different story.. in such a case if he really wanted to be with the other person I'd just seek a divorce.

:w:

[Mustafa2012]

as to the OP's Q.
I don't personally care, I suspect if I married for love it would be a different story.. in such a case if he really wanted to be with the other person I'd just seek a divorce.

:w:

I meant a seperate dwelling of course.

[Qurratul Ayn]

I suspect if I married for love it would be a different story.. in such a case if he really wanted to be with the other person I'd just seek a divorce.

What if you had an arrange marriage then it became love? Would you choose the same option?

[جوري]

What if you had an arrange marriage then it became love? Would you choose the same option?

well yeah that's what I said if I had feelings for him then I imagine it would be hard to share and I think if his happiness is with another person then he should pursue it. There's nothing quite as horrible as being trapped in a life you dislike with a person you don't want to be with or while fantasizing about another.. We shouldn't kid ourselves.. it is a matter of what we're able to tolerate and different people have different thresholds when it comes to different things.
I think I have taken the road less traveled with everything else and a home life to me should be ideally about stability and comfort.

:w:

[Qurratul Ayn]

^OK, same option, whether ya married for love or arranged then became love.

Got ya :D

[Qurratul Ayn]

Along with that my wife added that she agreed to it because she feels that as Allah has allowed it then inshaAllah He will also provide her with the patience for dealing with it.

Masha'Allaah!

Kudos to her, what a fabulous Sister!

MashaAllah I was very pleased to hear such pious words from my wife.

You should be, Brother Ali_008!!!

[~Zaria~]

Assalamu-alaikum,

This is an individual decision - there are some women who would not desire to be in a polygamous marriage, while there are others who are actually seeking out 2nd wives for their husbands.

Just as we have different personalities - and this is fine, so too, should we respect how different women would feel about being in this situation.

My own (unscholared) understanding is the following: A woman should understand:

1. Her husband does not need to gain her permisssion for taking on another wife (as it has already been made lawful for him by Allah Taa'la)
2. If she knows that she is not willing to be in a polygamous arrangement, then she should discuss this before the nikkah and include it in the nikkah contract (which is permissible depending on ones madhab).
This is not an attempt to make what is lawful for man, unlawful by the woman - but rather to ensure that both parties have the same goals in the marriage, and should the husband later decide to break the contract (by seeking a 2nd wife), then the wife is entitled to seeking talaaq (if she wishes to, on these grounds - i.e. based on a broken contract).

Personally, I admire the man who is able to commit to a polygamous marriage, with the intentions of wanting to look after these women and the families that arise, in a fair and equal manner (as humanly possible).
And I admire the woman who is able to see past her emotional/ worldy attachment to another person - because she realises that our worldly relationships are temporary......and that oneday, insha Allah, we will all be united as a happy family (co-wives, and more : ) ) in an eternal life.


I have often thought about this, and to be honest, I dont think I am at that level of imaan, to help me see past my own insecurities and emotional attachment to one who may be beloved to me.
Coming from a second family that went very wrong, I think I am also psychologically 'tainted' to ever wanting to be part of such an arrangement myself.
And from a personality point of view - Im the type that dreams of 'happily-ever-after-fairytales', and I would probably spend a lot of time feeling wounded and heart-sore at the thought of my beloved in someone elses arms ;(
(however, I would most likely be more consenting in a situation where i am unable to fulfill my 'wifely' responsibilities - e.g. in illness, or an accident, etc).....


Having said this, I realise that the 'weakness' perhaps lies with me.....Allah knows best.


@ brother Ali_008, jazakAllah khair for sharing your story with us.

And I pray that Allah (subhanawataála) showers his mercy and blessing upon your marriage, and grants you righteous and pious children. Ameen


:wa:

[Mustafa2012]

:ma: :alhamd:

[Iceee]

Salaam.

Even though I am a male, I would never take another girl other than my wife.
Not married at the moment however so I guess time will tell Inshallah.

[Mustafa2012]

Salaam.

Even though I am a male, I would never take another girl other than my wife.
Not married at the moment however so I guess time will tell Inshallah.

Just to clarify

We're not talking about girlfriends here.

What the bro is asking is if sisters will consent to their husband taking a 2nd wife which is allowed in Islam if the husband can provide for their needs.

[Iceee]

Just to clarify

We're not talking about girlfriends here.

What the bro is asking is if sisters will consent to their husband taking a 2nd wife which is allowed in Islam if the husband can provide for their needs.

Just to clarify. (Talking about girlfriend) Neither am I.

I'm saying that if my wife gave consent to marry another woman, I would say no.

[Mustafa2012]

Just to clarify. (Talking about girlfriend) Neither am I.

I'm saying that if my wife gave consent to marry another woman, I would say no.

Sorry. My bad.

[CosmicPathos]

Salaam.

Even though I am a male, I would never take another girl other than my wife.
Not married at the moment however so I guess time will tell Inshallah.

when you grow up, would you be an independent man, or a wife pet?

[Indian Bro]

As-salamu alaykum,

If you go to places in the Middle East you'll find many big families and this is because the Arabs are quite rich and the men can afford more houses or really big houses. I don't think there's any compulsion in buying more houses to accommodate other wives if you are marrying more than one as a big house would suffice, however, I would rather buy a separate house for each wife as that is what the Prophet (PBUH) did. And I also think that if a wife has a problem with her husband wanting to marry one more then the problem doesn't lie on the husband but the problem is definitely within the wife. There is a wisdom behind this and Allah (s.w.t.) knows best, so the wives must treat it as a trial and if the husband doesn't do justice to all his wives then he will be questioned on the Day. And I think it's better if a husband is opting for taking another wife he should go for the ones that are needy though I don't think it's a rule? I might be wrong here.

And Allah Almighty knows best.

Salam 3laikum

[Ali_008]

Bro, you got a looot more to learn. :hmm:

I know. :exhausted

If she is making a personal request as a condition for consenting to you having a 2nd wife then that is different, but from an Islamic point of view it is not required for you to build her a house.

It is, indeed, a personal request, and I found it totally acceptable. Apart from that, if my marriage contract doesn't specify that I need my wife's permission for taking a second wife then I don't even need to ask her. I asked her in order to get to know her view of it, and like I said, it taught me a lot more about polygyny then I'd have ever learned from reading books or attending lectures. Sometimes conversations can get so surprisingly educational.

well yeah that's what I said if I had feelings for him then I imagine it would be hard to share and I think if his happiness is with another person then he should pursue it.

Oh come on, sister. If you choose the right guy for the job then inshaAllah you won't notice any drop in his love for you even if he takes another wife. Yes, he does have to divide the time equally between his wives, but when a guy is really committed to doing justice between his partners, I don't think that he'd make either of them feel unloved. It is all about having a righteous partner. For the guy, if he has pious wives, they make the job easier for him. For the women, the guy wouldn't want to displease Allah by favoring one over the other, and will constantly be concerned about the comfort of both (or all) of them.

Masha'Allaah!

Kudos to her, what a fabulous Sister!

You should be, Brother Ali_008!!!

I know. :D She's the love of my life, the apple of my eye. ALHAMDULILLAH :statisfie

Personally, I admire the man who is able to commit to a polygamous marriage, with the intentions of wanting to look after these women and the families that arise, in a fair and equal manner (as humanly possible).
And I admire the woman who is able to see past her emotional/ worldy attachment to another person - because she realises that our worldly relationships are temporary......and that oneday, insha Allah, we will all be united as a happy family (co-wives, and more : ) ) in an eternal life.

I have often thought about this, and to be honest, I dont think I am at that level of imaan, to help me see past my own insecurities and emotional attachment to one who may be beloved to me.
Coming from a second family that went very wrong

This. Exactly. Not only does this complete post (I've only quoted part of it) explain the man and wife's situation in polygyny really well, it also showcases why it is difficult for many of us to even consider it (including men).

Almost all of us have this prejudice against it despite it being permissible in Islam, because of what we've seen or heard as the outcome of these marriages. So far, in my life, all of the multiple wives situations I've heard of come from the non-praying folk. I know I shouldn't be judging people because of it, but it really makes you wonder about the fairness in these marriages. In some situations, the husband takes advantage of the situation by preferring one wife over the other just to get back at her which is absolutely awful to say the least. We don't have people like the sahaba among us for whom pleasing Allah was the utmost priority, and they set elite examples for us to follow even concerning taking more wives.

Usman (RadhiAllahu Anhu) took 8 wives during his lifetime, but never was he known as a man unjust or a bad husband. His excellence as a husband can easily be seen in the fact Rasoolullah :saws: himself gave two of his daughters in marriage to him. For those of you who are wondering how can a Muslim take 8 wives, the maximum number of wives allowed AT THE SAME TIME is 4. Usman (RadhiAllahu Anhu) took more wives after his former wives passed away. The two daughters of Rasoolullah :saws: (Umm Kulsoom and Ruqaiyah) as well expired while they were married to Usman.

We don't have such grand examples, but rather have the most heartbreaking stories with regards to polygyny.

Other than Arabs, I don't even think that it is so highly prevalent in any other culture. Of course, other cultures prefer mistresses and prostitutes.

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

Asalaam Aleikum,

Ya know, this subject is just....:heated: How many of you have actually witnessed a real polygamous marriage? I have witnessed two, and they are both extremely lopsided!

First let me say that, no man alive now is remotely close to being a prophet or a sahaba. Do you really think it's soooo easy to be fair to all of the wives? Think again.

second, remember that RasoolAllah's (saw) first marriage was not polyganous, he was married to Khadijah (ra) until she passed away. The rest of his marriages were to create unity among the people, he married women of different tribes. He wasn't marrying them for the reasons men now a days take on more wives(I don't like this wife so I'm gonna just take on another instead of trying to solve my issues with my current wife, or I want different kind of curry cuz I'm bored pffft). So please, do not even go there. Also remember that, Khadijah was soooo beloved to him that he let his future wives know all about her. One cannot be fair in the matters of the heart so keep that in consideration when shopping for a second wife.

u_u The whole not consulting your first wife. What is she? just a painting on the wall? Again, no man alive right now is close to being like the sahaba and women of today are not as strong as the sahabiyaat! Have consideration, my goodness. lol. (can you tell I've been needingt o get this out for a couple of years now? :embarrass )

All that being said. I do believe there's benefit to polygamous marriages when done correctly and for the proper reasons. If I ever had to face this, I would like to help choose my co-wife, because she will be part of my family. Her children will be siblings to mine and ultimately how my husband gets along with her will affect my marriage with him. I would also like her to live in very close proximity to me so that we can visit and keep each other company while husband is away. That would be in a perfect world though wouldn't it?

I would NOT however, allow a polygamous marriage if my husband started a relationship with another woman and then used his "i can have more than one wife" card on me. I have heard this story so many times, witnessed it once and it is disastrous! for everyone involved. imsad

my two pesos.

- cOsMiC

['Abd-al Latif]

^

I really do wonder what the world would be like if more Muslim women held a similar view. More cohesion between Islam and Muslims?

[CosmicPathos]

^

I really do wonder what the world would be like if more Muslim women held a similar view. More cohesion between Islam and Muslims?

that's cosmic's view, not Islam's view. That's her interpretation of Islam and polygamy. Does not necessarily mean it is the right one.

Prophet pbuh might not have been able to marry other women while married to Khadijah because of many reasons, least of which was that he did not want to marry othre women. It could be that he did not have time, it could be he was burdened by some personal struggles etc. CosmicIntuition, your argument really does not stand. sorry.

['Abd-al Latif]

that's cosmic's view, not Islam's view. That's her interpretation of Islam and polygamy. Does not necessarily mean it is the right one.

Prophet pbuh might not have been able to marry other women while married to Khadijah because of many reasons, least of which was that he did not want to marry othre women. It could be that he did not have time, it could be he was burdened by some personal struggles etc. CosmicIntuition, your argument really does not stand. sorry.

I believe her view is justified and balanced. Can you prove so otherwise?

[CosmicPathos]

I believe her view is justified and balanced. Can you prove so otherwise?

I have. I have already argued that Prophet's monogamous marriage to Khadija ra does not mean anything in the context of polygamy. Cosmic used that example to sshow how monogamy >> polygamy cuz even Prophet pbuh had only 1 wife at that time!! I showed that the reason Prophet had only 1 wife was not necessarily that he did not want other wives (he was a man after all), it could be that he just had other personal struggles to deal with before he could marry a second one.

[CosmicPathos]

ill give an easier example. I am not married. I have some personal issues going in life for a few years now and hence I have decided to not get married till I heal myself first. Now its like cosmic looks at me from a distance and makes an assumption that cosmicpathos does not want to get married cuz well so far he has not married! While the reality is I want to get married, not to 1 but to 4. She is doing the same thing with Prophet pbuh's example and his monogamous marriage to Khadijah.

[islamica]

Cosmic you have very simplistic and naive way of looking at it. Your responses are based on assumptions which cannot be proved. The fact however is clear. Prophet (s) chose not to marry more than one because he had no need for it. He was married and content with his life. Allah gave him all he needed till he was ready to receive prophethood. Afterwards he married more than on for many reasons, political alliance being one of them. His marriage to Aisha r.a. was ordained by Allah. All of this was done on purpose of by the will of Allah so we have an example in him. Also so the kuffars who call him pedo for marrying aisah r.a. or womeniser for marrying so many would have useless accusations since he married an older woman for 25yrs while in his youth. So everything he did, whether he was aware or not, was by the will of Allah and with a purpose. I think you will do well to educate yourself on the seerah of the prophet in depth before bringing him into this topic with your baseless assumptions.

['Abd-al Latif]

You haven't proved anything yet bro because what you've said is only speculation.

I believe cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn's view is justified because (1) what she has said is in fact in accordance with some of the reasons why the Messenger :saws1: married more than once (as is mention by Ibn Khateer if I remember correctly), and (2) I also believe it is balanced as she is encouraging polygamy despite the fact that a lot of sisters are probably inclined to be against it because of insecurity from their husbands, and what they probably perceive as unfair treatment. Let's establish a little justice here: what security is the first wife going to have if she's not even consulted in a big decision of her life partner's second marriage? Your first marriage was (or will be) a big deal to both of you – but your second marriage isn't? It is after all her life partner that she's sharing, she will have to get along with her second wife for you to live a peaceful life and you'll have to bear the brunt of both wives if you avoid the benefits of basic communication.

Even the reasons that cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn mentioned about brothers nowadays taking second wives are true. Being close to the Shari'ah Council in London, I've come to learn that "practising" brothers and sisters have failed marriages because both the man and woman don't know the rights and obligations of his or her spouse. Both parties are either ignorant of these rights and obligations or they overlook the benefits of communication, patience and sacrifice. Ibn Taymiyyah (rahimullah) spoke very highly about taking into account the benefits of things and said that the one who does and is able to practically apply the concept of benefit in real life situations is a scholar/shaykh. If brothers take something as small as communicating with their wives about a second wife, while duly taking into account that their first marriage is healthy, then maybe plural marriages, let along monogamous marriages, will have a greater chance of surviving.

Having said all this, it is still possible that a woman can still be against her husband taking a second wife, but this is a different discussion which I will not get into right now. I will however say that every Muslim woman should take into account her eman and ask herself where she stands with her Lord by stubbornly refusing a sunnah. Marriage is but a means to get closer to Allah and not fulfilling just a means to fulfil lust and desire.

[Ali_008]

u_u The whole not consulting your first wife. What is she? just a painting on the wall? Again, no man alive right now is close to being like the sahaba and women of today are not as strong as the sahabiyaat! Have consideration, my goodness. lol. (can you tell I've been needingt o get this out for a couple of years now? )

All that being said. I do believe there's benefit to polygamous marriages when done correctly and for the proper reasons. If I ever had to face this, I would like to help choose my co-wife, because she will be part of my family. Her children will be siblings to mine and ultimately how my husband gets along with her will affect my marriage with him. I would also like her to live in very close proximity to me so that we can visit and keep each other company while husband is away. That would be in a perfect world though wouldn't it?

I would NOT however, allow a polygamous marriage if my husband started a relationship with another woman and then used his "i can have more than one wife" card on me. I have heard this story so many times, witnessed it once and it is disastrous! for everyone involved.

:wasalamex

Very well put, cosmicintuition.

I don't really know possible motives people these have behind taking more wives. I've heard that in Saudi Arabia, it is a status symbol to have more wives. It is like if a man is rich, he must have multiple wives. I don't completely find it wrong either, because it is best that only those take more wives who can afford it. The dislike towards one wife cannot be a good reason to take another one.

I wholeheartedly agree with what you say, Sister. Husbands should work on fostering good relations between the wives. Not keep them in the same house, but keep them close enough for them to be able to visit each other, and cement their friendship. You raised a very good point that every wife should get to meet her co-wife before the nikkah itself, because both of them can have sense of safety and trust if they know it beforehand what they are getting into.

Alhamdulillah, when I had these discussions with my wife, she was surprisingly very supportive of it, and said a few things that shocked me to my core. I mean she went as far as saying that the 2nd wife can take of our kids while we are out, and she'll take care 2nd wife's kids while I'm out with wife #2. It was pretty groundbreaking to hear all those things, but at the same time, I reminded her that all these things are easier said than done. Allahu Alam how each woman would behave when she's exposed to a polygyny situation. My wife still maintains that she won't stop me from doing something which Allah has made permissible. Alhamdulillah summa Alhamdulillah

I also agree with what you said about the extra-marital affair part. If that happens, it shouldn't even indicate co-wife-hood, it should be a signal for the D word.

[ardianto]

I remember my parents in-law neighbor, who has been moved now. She was a woman who lived with her kids, work hard to make money with sell foods. Where was her husband?. In the young wife home. He rarely back to his old wife home, rarely gave money to old wife and kids from old wife, but always stayed in young wife home and always gave his money to his young wife.

In another case, I knew a young wife who lived alone. Her husband lived with his old wife, and came to her only to have sex, then go.

Believe it or not, mostly of polygamy that I've seen are polygamy like these. Only few polygamy that really Islamic polygamy which the husband are always fair to all of his wives.

And anybody know? there are few non-Muslims men who pretend convert to Islam only to do polygamy with Muslim women.

[CosmicPathos]

Cosmic you have very simplistic and naive way of looking at it. Your responses are based on assumptions which cannot be proved. The fact however is clear. Prophet (s) chose not to marry more than one because he had no need for it. He was married and content with his life. Allah gave him all he needed till he was ready to receive prophethood. Afterwards he married more than on for many reasons, political alliance being one of them. His marriage to Aisha r.a. was ordained by Allah. All of this was done on purpose of by the will of Allah so we have an example in him. Also so the kuffars who call him pedo for marrying aisah r.a. or womeniser for marrying so many would have useless accusations since he married an older woman for 25yrs while in his youth. So everything he did, whether he was aware or not, was by the will of Allah and with a purpose. I think you will do well to educate yourself on the seerah of the prophet in depth before bringing him into this topic with your baseless assumptions.

Ya right, simplistic and naive, just because I've rejected your interpretation of it?

I have made no assumption. You ARE the one making assumption that Prophet had no need for it. Did Prophet leave behind words saying "I did not marry any other woman while married to Khadija because I did not have need for it?" Did he leave behind SUCH words? No. Hence, you are the ONE making assumptions about why he did what he did and then imposing it on us modern men via your cancerous religion of feminism. Irradiate feminism and all feminists.

I am quite well educated on his seerah. Thanks but no thanks.

[CosmicPathos]

You haven't proved anything yet bro because what you've said is only speculation.

I believe cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn's view is justified because (1) what she has said is in fact in accordance with some of the reasons why the Messenger :saws1: married more than once (as is mention by Ibn Khateer if I remember correctly), and (2) I also believe it is balanced as she is encouraging polygamy despite the fact that a lot of sisters are probably inclined to be against it because of insecurity from their husbands, and what they probably perceive as unfair treatment. Let's establish a little justice here: what security is the first wife going to have if she's not even consulted in a big decision of her life partner's second marriage? Your first marriage was (or will be) a big deal to both of you – but your second marriage isn't? It is after all her life partner that she's sharing, she will have to get along with her second wife for you to live a peaceful life and you'll have to bear the brunt of both wives if you avoid the benefits of basic communication.

Even the reasons that cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn mentioned about brothers nowadays taking second wives are true. Being close to the Shari'ah Council in London, I've come to learn that "practising" brothers and sisters have failed marriages because both the man and woman don't know the rights and obligations of his or her spouse. Both parties are either ignorant of these rights and obligations or they overlook the benefits of communication, patience and sacrifice. Ibn Taymiyyah (rahimullah) spoke very highly about taking into account the benefits of things and said that the one who does and is able to practically apply the concept of benefit in real life situations is a scholar/shaykh. If brothers take something as small as communicating with their wives about a second wife, while duly taking into account that their first marriage is healthy, then maybe plural marriages, let along monogamous marriages, will have a greater chance of surviving.

Having said all this, it is still possible that a woman can still be against her husband taking a second wife, but this is a different discussion which I will not get into right now. I will however say that every Muslim woman should take into account her eman and ask herself where she stands with her Lord by stubbornly refusing a sunnah. Marriage is but a means to get closer to Allah and not fulfilling just a means to fulfil lust and desire.

No speculations, really.

I look at Prophet pbuh as a mere human being with similar limitations that all human beings have except that he was not a sinner. He however did make mistakes and was not all knowledgeable.

Prophet pbuh has left behind no reason as to why did not he marry any other woman while he was married to Khadijah. To claim that it was because he had no desire for polygamy at that point is baseless accusation on Prophet. As for islamicas comment that "he was content with what Allah had written", if that is true then why did Prophet decide to stop herding sheep and take up business trip to Syria? He should have been content with sheep herding.

As for rights/obligations of marriage, do kaafirs with successful marriages fulfill all of them and hence continue to live together till death?

[Alpha Dude]

No woman would share her husband with another woman and be happy with it. Deep down there will always be a state of unrest within her even if she agrees and this is likely to bubble up at some point or another. Don't be rash and assume just because she has said yes that she will not feel sad at you.

If a guy is married and wants his (only) wife to be happy and not upset her, it would be a bad idea to take on another wife.

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

So dear sisters, would you allow your husband to take another wife?

Yes I would. I used to be a little open about it before anyways, but I feel moreso now.

The reasons are because I love Allah more than myself, and I love my husband more than I love myself. I also know that it's something that I can handle inshallah. Jealousy is not something my husband has ever made me feel, nor my family, and it's not an easy emotion for me to feel because I'm thankful for everything I have. Emotions change overtime, I don't want a little emotion to be in the way of something that could be good for me or lead me into jannah inshallah. I know that if it ever came down to him wanting a 2nd wife it wouldn't be for a frivolous reason, and I know his character is the type that honestly would be a person who would be capable of doing it the right way mashallah. The only thing I want from my husband is for him to remain as he is or become better than the way he currently is in piety, kindness, respectfulness, etc.

I also think sometimes if a woman can accept being a 2nd wife, then maybe she is in more need of having a husband than my husband is of having a 2nd wife. There are things we humans can only see on the surface of a situation, but Allah let's things happen the way they do because he knows the entirety of the situation and the pureness of the people involved, and how could I ever argue against what I can't see??

Before marriage, I'd play with the idea of actually having someone there who'd be like my sister, and we'd help each other in our iman, and raise our kids together, etc. I think positively of it all because it's a part of Islam that is halal, and I'd prefer this over my husband doing something haram. Plus, my husband did marry me, so if he married anyone other than me, I'm sure she'd be just as awesome :D

Scenario: If I had a husband who let's say just wanted a wife for his own personal reasons, I'd still be open to it simply because I'd assume there's something that I could not fulfill that he was able to find in someone else, which I'd be ok with because I'm not perfect. As long as my husband is pious and pleasing Allah, that is more than I could ever ask for because I'd know he'd fear Allah to wrong either one of us.

Scenario: If I had a husband who was not all that pious (kind of difficult to think of), I would not mind him to marry a 2nd wife with the sole possibility that she would help increase his piety. However, if this did not happen, then I would not want to be with my husband anymore.

Inshallah khair wa allahu a'lem.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

[~ Sabr ~]

No... Never... Nunca.... Jamais.... Nie... أبدا... Nooit... ποτέ... کبھی نہیں...

[Qurratul Ayn]

The reasons are because I love Allah more than myself, and I love my husband more than I love myself. I also know that it's something that I can handle inshallah. Jealousy is not something my husband has ever made me feel, nor my family, and it's not an easy emotion for me to feel because I'm thankful for everything I have. Emotions change overtime, I don't want a little emotion to be in the way of something that could be good for me or lead me into jannah inshallah. I know that if it ever came down to him wanting a 2nd wife it wouldn't be for a frivolous reason, and I know his character is the type that honestly would be a person who would be capable of doing it the right way mashallah. The only thing I want from my husband is for him to remain as he is or become better than the way he currently is in piety, kindness, respectfulness, etc

Before marriage, I'd play with the idea of actually having someone there who'd be like my sister, and we'd help each other in our iman, and raise our kids together, etc. I think positively of it all because it's a part of Islam that is halal, and I'd prefer this over my husband doing something haram. Plus, my husband did marry me, so if he married anyone other than me, I'm sure she'd be just as awesome

Subhan'Allaah! :'( You are my heroine!!! :D

I love you so much!!! The fact you put it like that (your second part that I quoted) shows what an amazing, awesome person you are!!! O :Allah: please shower this wonderful sister of mine and her family with Your blessings and mercy and may she and her family always strive on the right path and not let anything sway them from their path to please You. Please :Allah:

I personally haven't spoken to my husband yet about taking more than one wife and he has not said anything to me about it yet, but I should have this discussion and see what he thinks. We've had a very interesting and challenging (from my perspective) first few married years, it really was for me, but now :alhamd: it is going absolutely brilliantly.

You've inspired me, Sister *charisma*. I'm going to be brave.

[tearose]

Would it be ok if two wives lived in different apartments in the same large house?

[Cabdullahi]

Ali opened a can of worms

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

I love you so much!!! The fact you put it like that (your second part that I quoted) shows what an amazing, awesome person you are!!! O please shower this wonderful sister of mine and her family with Your blessings and mercy and may she and her family always strive on the right path and not let anything sway them from their path to please You. Please

Aww I love you too <3 Jazaki allahu khair for your kind words, may allah make worthy of them ameen.
May Allah grant you the same if not better ameen!!

I personally haven't spoken to my husband yet about taking more than one wife and he has not said anything to me about it yet, but I should have this discussion and see what he thinks. We've had a very interesting and challenging (from my perspective) first few married years, it really was for me, but now it is going absolutely brilliantly.

You've inspired me, Sister *charisma*. I'm going to be brave.

Alhemdulilah, May allah continue to bless your marriage, and increase your love, piety, and happiness ameen!

I was the one to bring it up with my husband as well and alhemdulilah one of the things he said to me was, "I love you more because your iman allows you to accept a part of Islam that most women have a difficulty in accepting, regardless of you being married to me." It made me really happy that he said that because the way he said it made me know that my iman is the most important thing to him, which in return increased my love for him to know his love for me is not superficial.

I also think this question increases the communication between the husband and wife. It gives the wife more insight on what she should perfect in herself, or what kind of conditions would push her husband away from her, or what conditions he would allow himself to marry another wife. You can use this information as something that would make you a better wife to your husband so that he won't feel like he would need anyone else's attention, or so that you can strengthen your own personal weaknesses and help him in his. Also, I would hope that the husband would learn to feel more comfortable in sharing his personal thoughts with his wife, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel.

I wish that women would also understand that if your husband reveals to you he wants a 2nd wife, it doesn't mean he loves you less or wants to be with you less. I think the fact that he would reveal this to you and ask for your opinion means he respects and honors it, and would want you to be supportive of him, because the reality is, he does not need your permission to do it, but yet he is allowing you to have a say in it. He may even want you to choose the wife with him so that you know that you can tolerate her.

I am just trying to give a positive outlook on this, because first of all, its something allowed by Allah so we should accept it wholeheartedly, and secondly, I believe we have the choice to see things negatively or positively whether they happen or not. We women tend to worry over things that did not even happen yet! lol so why not just look at them in a positive way so that if they do happen, we are ready for them. we should trust in Allah to grant us what is best for us in this life, and to accept all challenges with a sincere heart, and to know that we are in control of our happiness. Above all, we are making our life easier to handle and pleasing Allah in the process inshallah.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

['Abd-al Latif]

No speculations, really.

I look at Prophet pbuh as a mere human being with similar limitations that all human beings have except that he was not a sinner. He however did make mistakes and was not all knowledgeable.

Prophet pbuh has left behind no reason as to why did not he marry any other woman while he was married to Khadijah. To claim that it was because he had no desire for polygamy at that point is baseless accusation on Prophet. As for islamicas comment that "he was content with what Allah had written", if that is true then why did Prophet decide to stop herding sheep and take up business trip to Syria? He should have been content with sheep herding.

As for rights/obligations of marriage, do kaafirs with successful marriages fulfill all of them and hence continue to live together till death?

I don't deny anything you've said but at the same time you haven't mentioned anything that affirms otherwise.

[Ali_008]

Would it be ok if two wives lived in different apartments in the same large house?

It depends on the wives. If they are fine with it then who are we to say anything about it, right? In most cases, it is discouraged, because such a setting might expose both/all of the wives to things which they may not want to see/hear such as intimacy between the husband and the other wives. As you see, it will only feed the jealousy, and might put the peace of the entire household at risk. Thus, it is encouraged that the wives are housed separately as it lessens the insecurity and jealousy.

Ali opened a can of worms

Really? Naa, I don't think so. It's just the influence of society that we believe a thing which Allah has permitted to be a can of worms. I don't disagree with you, but feel sorry about the sorry state of our deen.



Sister *charisma* has posted some beautiful words for all the sisters who have inhibitions about this topic. Of course, it is totally normal to have a negative attitude towards anything that looks threatening, but as long as Islam is instilled not just in our hearts, but in our families as well then there is nothing to worry about.

I am finding it weird that nobody's is mentioning anything about the guy's ordeal in all this. Come on, multiple wives doesn't just mean multiple sex partners, it also means multiple responsibilities. 90% of the world population would say that they are unhappy, and the burden of responsibilities is thrusting them into the ground. Most people generally handle just one household, and claim to be dealing with the most difficult situations everyday. Think about a pious Muslim with multiple wives, that guy has twice or thrice or even four times the trouble which you're facing. He has to apply for four credit cards, and pay for them as well. He has to look after four different sets of kids. He has to make sure that four different women in all shapes and forms are content and satisfied on a daily basis. He is the shepherd of 4 different herds. The questions you'll be asked on the day of judgment just once, he'll be asked those question 4 times. He can't even think of a life without his watch and organizer.

I had once read the interview of two co-wives from Australia. Even they admitted that the one who has the most difficult time in their arrangement is the husband who has twice the trouble that regular husbands have.

[tearose]

Originally Posted by tearose Would it be ok if two wives lived in different apartments in the same large house? It depends on the wives. If they are fine with it then who are we to say anything about it, right? In most cases, it is discouraged, because such a setting might expose both/all of the wives to things which they may not want to see/hear such as intimacy between the husband and the other wives. As you see, it will only feed the jealousy, and might put the peace of the entire household at risk. Thus, it is encouraged that the wives are housed separately as it lessens the insecurity and jealousy.

That makes sense, but on the other hand, it could be hard for a woman to live completely alone half the time (or two thirds or three quarters of the time). I'd like to be open to this idea in the future insha Allah but personally, I'd rather have the feeling of protection of not living alone than worry about jealousy. I'm surprised that jealousy is a bigger problem. I suppose it really depends on the personalities of the people involved, I was just wondering if it was permissible to have separate apartments in the same house, as I got the impression from some posts that it wasn't acceptable at all. I mean apartments on separate floors, not close together or anything. In some African countries, families have a kind of compound, and then have separate buildings inside it, and I've seen films where the wives had a good relationship with each other and the children all played together. Personally, I'd prefer that to living alone and my kids not knowing my husband's other kids, and me not knowing his other wives. Obviously the scholars know what they are talking about when they derive these rulings, but would it still be discouraged if that was the cultural norm?

[tearose]

oops sorry that quote didn't come out right

[~Zaria~]

Assalamu-alaikum,



JazakAllah khair for everyone sharing their opinions.

(Lets try not to get too emotional over this - theres no nikkah happening yet, so relax everyone : ) )

I will however say that every Muslim woman should take into account her eman and ask herself where she stands with her Lord by stubbornly refusing a sunnah. Marriage is but a means to get closer to Allah and not fulfilling just a means to fulfil lust and desire.

With all due respect akhee, I dont see how the above is justified :/

As mentioned earlier, the choice to be part of a polygamous marriage, for both a man and a woman, is an individual decision.

If a woman prefers to be in a monogomous relationship, it does not necessarily reflect on the state of her imaan.

I think we should consider the following:

1. Allah (subhanawataála) has permitted man to take up to 4 wives.
And at the same time, the quraan mentions that if one fears that he will not be able to do justice in this regard, then - marry only ONE. (in other words, it is permitted, not enforced).

Ones piety/ taqwa is not measured by his ability to take on 2/3/4 wives.
In fact, perhaps there is more piety in the one who choses 1 wife for fear of not being able to bear the responsibility adequately.

So, if we agree that a mans piety is not measured by his ability to take multiple wives......why does the same not apply for women?

If a sister rejects the idea of polygamy, despite it being decreed as lawful by Allah <-- this is a problem.
But if a sister says: I accept the concept of polygamy, but for myself, I would prefer not to be in such a situation -- does this imply a weakness in her imaan?

I honestly do not think so.

2. The wives of the prophet (sallalahu alaihi wasalam) themselves, felt jealousy at times towards each other.
And these are the 'mothers of the believers'.
In the same way that we do not question their level of imaan, by feeling as such - so too, should we not look at each other in this manner.


3. There are many reasons why a woman may prefer to remain in a monogomous marriage.
Perhaps she has had a negative experience in the past.
e.g. for myself, being from a second family that only ever saw their dad a few hours every week.....and then, never again..... and who has experienced the pain of a broken home......the pain of the first wife, second wife......and a man who is torn between two loyalties (that eventually, he had to chose one) - then no doubt, these memories linger.
Perhaps, just for this reason, she would prefer a simple, straight-forward marriage herself.

These are just some of the reasons that come to mind at present, as to why we should never judge anothers level of imaan - esp. if based only on their outward actions.
There are many sisters that I know of, who have such high levels of taqwa......but if they had to face their husbands taking another wife, they woud be in tears.

So, in the same manner that we do not (and should not, I think) - go out to every man, and insist that he marries multiple wives (because he may not be able to fulfill the great, life-long responsibility that comes with marriage).......so too, should we not insist that sisters try to 'improve on their imaans' or try to change their personalities in this regard.

For those who do wish to be part of a polygamous marriage - Alhamdulillah.

For those who do not wish to be part of a polygamous marriage (for reasons best known to them) - Alhamdulillah.
(As long as the sisters realise, that ^this decision should be taken before the nikkah (not afterwards), and that if she has not done so, then it is not valid grounds for seeking divorce in itself (as it has been made lawful by Allah) )


I think we should Just: Live and let live : )
Insha Allah



:wa:

[tearose]

(As long as the sisters realise, that ^this decision should be taken before the nikkah (not afterwards), and that if she has not done so, then it is not valid grounds for seeking divorce in itself (as it has been made lawful by Allah) )

Really important point. Would you say that the apparent variety of viewpoints on this issue means that it's something potential spouses ought to talk over when considering marriage?

[Iceee]

I was just wondering if it was permissible to have separate apartments in the same house,

Salaam.

This should probably be the first wife's choice in my opinion. Jealousy is a concern and some wives would not want their husband and his other wife living near then. It depends from person-to-person.

[Periwinkle18]

Hmm I dont know nt married ,buh I guess I wouldn't mind buh my parents would :p

[~Zaria~]

I am finding it weird that nobody's is mentioning anything about the guy's ordeal in all this. Come on, multiple wives doesn't just mean multiple sex partners, it also means multiple responsibilities. 90% of the world population would say that they are unhappy, and the burden of responsibilities is thrusting them into the ground. Most people generally handle just one household, and claim to be dealing with the most difficult situations everyday. Think about a pious Muslim with multiple wives, that guy has twice or thrice or even four times the trouble which you're facing. He has to apply for four credit cards, and pay for them as well. He has to look after four different sets of kids. He has to make sure that four different women in all shapes and forms are content and satisfied on a daily basis. He is the shepherd of 4 different herds. The questions you'll be asked on the day of judgment just once, he'll be asked those question 4 times. He can't even think of a life without his watch and organizer.

I had once read the interview of two co-wives from Australia. Even they admitted that the one who has the most difficult time in their arrangement is the husband who has twice the trouble that regular husbands have.

Assalamu-alaikum,

Im really impressed with your level of maturity akhee, at your young age.

May Allah (subhanawataála) grant you even more, and fill your life with barakaat for making the effort to understand and implement His beautiful deen. Ameen.

You have made a very important point - marriage (whether it is #1/2/3/4) - is a lifelong commitment, insha Allah.

And it is those who realise this from the onset, who strive their utmost to do good by all parties involved.
Those who are only in search of the next 'Barbie doll' :P , will soon enough realise that with time, superficial appearances fade (multiple pregnancies later, and the second wife too may lose her initial appeal).

At the end of the day, if we realise:

There is SO much wisdom in Allah (subhanawata'la)s decree in polygamy.
BUT, if implemented insincerely, and without taking into consideration His commands - then this very blessing, can itself be the source of broken homes and hearts.

[~Zaria~]

Really important point. Would you say that the apparent variety of viewpoints on this issue means that it's something potential spouses ought to talk over when considering marriage?

Assalamu-alaikum ukthi,

I personally think that this would be very important, esp. if the sister involved in not desirous to be in a polygamous marriage.

In this case, insha Allah, it would be better to discuss this at the out-set......rather than later on, finding herself in such a situation, which she does not wish to be part of.

This would be the best for both parties involved insha Allah.

[CosmicPathos]

you are called mature if you agree with someone's opinion on this board. :D

[ardianto]

One day when I was teenager I told my friend. "I don't want follow other guys, have girlfriend for while, then change with new girlfriend, then change again. No! I just want to meet someone who love me, then I marry her and live with her until death do us part". My friend look at me and said "you are thinking like a female. That's a female's mindset"

Was my mindset about love and marriage a female's mindset?. Maybe yes, maybe not.

However, my dream about only one woman in my life was a dream that did not come true. There was a girl who I really sure would becomes my wife, but later she decided to leave me. But Alhamdulillah, immediately Allah gave me another woman who now becomes my wife.

Yes, although my wife is not the first woman in my life, she is the first woman who came to my life as a wife. I promise, she is not only the first, but also the one.

No! I will never take another wife. I don't care if people say I have a female's mindset.

[Iceee]

One day when I was teenager I told my friend. "I don't want follow other guys, have girlfriend for while, then change with new girlfriend, then change again. No! I just want to meet someone who love me, then I marry her and live with her until death do us part". My friend look at me and said "you are thinking like a female. That's a female's mindset"

Was my mindset about love and marriage a female's mindset?. Maybe yes, maybe not.

However, my dream about only one woman in my life was a dream that did not come true. There was a girl who I really sure would becomes my wife, but later she decided to leave me. But Alhamdulillah, immediately Allah gave me another woman who now becomes my wife.

Yes, although my wife is not the first woman in my life, she is the first woman who came to my life as a wife. I promise, she is not only the first, but also the one.

No! I will never take another wife. I don't care if people say I have a female's mindset.

Salaam.

A lot of people's mindset is:
1. Have a fun childhood
2. Graduate from College/University
3. Get a job
4. Get married
5. Have kids

For me, #6 would be to be: stay with that ONE WIFE AND ONE WIFE ONLY. Live, get olde, and die with her.

Everyone has their own life and only The Creator can judge. So I agree with you (since I'm a teen currently) but that doesn't mean I don't agree with the other posters that said the opposite. Both answers are right and this is an opinion question. Lets keep it that way.

[CosmicPathos]

Live, get olde, and die with her.

lololol. You are born alone. And you die alone. No "woman" dies with you. Certainly not your wife. Many times, she remarries if you die young.

I feel bad for you. But you are still a teenager. You will learn a lot in coming years about realities of life as you grow up and will develop some cynicism, inshAllah.

[tearose]

Assalamu-alaikum ukthi,
I personally think that this would be very important, esp. if the sister involved in not desirous to be in a polygamous marriage.
In this case, insha Allah, it would be better to discuss this at the out-set......rather than later on, finding herself in such a situation, which she does not wish to be part of.

wa 3laikum as-salam,
thanks ukhti, I was thinking along similar lines, but wasn't sure what's appropriate to talk about in advance. I'd like to consider a polygamous marriage in the future insha Allah..but it depends on the circumstances and I would rather know what the other person was thinking instead of being surprised later on.

[May Ayob]

lololol. You are born alone. And you die alone. No "woman" dies with you. Certainly not your wife. Many times, she remarries if you die young.

I feel bad for you. But you are still a teenager. You will learn a lot in coming years about realities of life as you grow up and will develop some cynicism, inshAllah.

You are truly one unique person. I assume from your post that you're a much senior member then?. If so then I profusely apologize for my bad conduct in speaking with you. I guess you really do have everything figured out in life. By the way please don't put me on the defensive I didn't mean to offend you in any way my post here.

[Iceee]

lololol. You are born alone. And you die alone. No "woman" dies with you. Certainly not your wife. Many times, she remarries if you die young.

I feel bad for you. But you are still a teenager. You will learn a lot in coming years about realities of life as you grow up and will develop some cynicism, inshAllah.

Lol. Nice life.

Yes, I still have a lot more to learn, still young and naive here.
All I am thinking about right now is starting my job at McDonalds (training takes forever), buying myself my own car, and school.

I am still a teenager, haven't been married or in a relationship so I guess I have a lot more to learn about girls and all. I was just giving my opinion on my future Inshallah.

Of course, just like a kid dreaming to become a doctor and then choosing to be a security guard in the future, I am that kid with dreams, and I have a long way to go.

[CosmicPathos]

You are truly one unique person. I assume from your post that you're a much senior member then?. If so then I profusely apologize for my bad conduct in speaking with you. I guess you really do have everything figured out in life. By the way please don't put me on the defensive I didn't mean to offend you in any way my post here.

No I am not a senior in terms of age. Just in 20s. But yea, my personal experiences and observation of human behaviors have taught me a lot and shown the ugly side of humanly existence.

I did not mean to offend either, but it just seemed you were trying to trample on my personal space so I defended in retaliation.

[CosmicPathos]

Lol. Nice life.

Yes, I still have a lot more to learn, still young and naive here.
All I am thinking about right now is starting my job at McDonalds (training takes forever), buying myself my own car, and school.

I am still a teenager, haven't been married or in a relationship so I guess I have a lot more to learn about girls and all. I was just giving my opinion on my future Inshallah.

Of course, just like a kid dreaming to become a doctor and then choosing to be a security guard in the future, I am that kid with dreams, and I have a long way to go.

Dream but also be real.

Good luck young boy.

[جوري]

shown the ugly side of humanly existence.

Shown you? It is more apparent that you've soaked it up and not taken the high road- & it is unfortunate indeed since I have to concede that you came to this world through a woman- yet your misogynistic, & demeaning comments toward women would have us peg you for a test tube product.
I don't say this with the topic in mind I generally couldn't careless it is a matter to be decided by the couple involved given that it is an allowance not an injunction- rather I am commenting given your general outlook on things.

:w:

[CosmicPathos]

^^ I dont see being misogynistic as being a sinner in Islam (There is no verse saying "dont be misogynistic." It's a personal worldview). One can be a totally good Muslim while be a "misogynist," at least the way in which you or others interpret misogyny as in the feminist 21st century. By your definition of misogyny, all the giants of Islam are misogynist for defining and limiting roles of women in public (such as intermingling with men at work, which definitely creates opportunities of zina of gaze, so on and so forth).

I am trying to take the "high road" but it is quite challenging when you hate all the attendings on ctu ward (most of whom happen to be women).

[ardianto]

@ Cosmicpathos

One thing that always make me say "Alhamdulillah" is I grew up and live with women who love me. Love in various meaning. Like few grandmas who very close to me when I was teens. They were really kind to me.

Bro, if you were growing up and living with love from women, I'm sure, you will understand the women better and never want to hurt their hearts.

[جوري]

^^ I dont see being misogynistic as being a sinner in Islam (There is no verse saying "dont be misogynistic."

You don't need a verse for what should be common sense and can in fact be inferred from the prophet's :saws: behavior toward his womenfolk. He actually loved women!
It doesn't aggrieve me the path you choose for yourself.. I wish you happiness in it and good luck!

[Ali_008]

Oh please don't turn this thread into a battleground. One of the mods already messaged me that the thread is turning into a debate, and he will close it.

We have a good opportunity to discuss this fragment of our great religion. MashaAllah, the replies so far on this thread have been very informative. You get to know what women actually think about this scenario. That is quite a division with some being for it, some not so much, and some just plain undecided. I even noticed someone hiding under the excuse of parents. ;D Of course I mean you, Sister Periwinkle.

I wanted to see what people would say about the predicaments that the man faces by taking more wives, but so far only Sister Zaria has addressed it in someway. On the outside, it would seem cool to have more women to get physical with, but that's what the problem is with our perverted heads. There is so so much more to marriage then just intimacy. As a matter of fact, even if we take intimacy as THE only factor in marriages then a guy with 4 wives will have a tough life anyway, because he will always have a pregnant companion among the four he chose. By the time, all four would have delivered in succession (a total of 36 months = 3 years), the first one will be ready for another baby, and the cycle will continue. Just imagine, a life or a chunk of life dedicated to satiating cravings. :scared: Man!!!! It's tough to be a husband to more than one.

[Periwinkle18]

I even noticed someone hiding under the excuse of parents. ;D Of course I mean you, Sister Periwinkle.

Buh its true , it's a big No, No. The community's gng to talk so much the poor guy's gng b like I'm okay with one :p

Pathans mite allow it buh the punjabi community I belong to wont.They wont even let u marry someone who's already married. :s crazy ppl srsly.

[Indian Bro]

As-salamu alaykum,

With regards to the sisters objecting to the idea of a man marrying more than one wife, I find it rather offensive because this is a right given to the man by Allah (s.w.t.). I do not mean this gives the man the right to abuse this right, but we have to take into consideration that a man must only marry more than one according to the terms of Allah (s.w.t.), which means the man must do justice to his wives. If I were to give my opinion, I would only consider marrying another wife if I had the financial means and I would only marry someone who is in need of a husband. Likewise, if Allah (s.w.t.) gave me money I would also like to look after an orphan. These are the duties of those that Allah (s.w.t.) has given provision because what will happen to those women living in lands where there are more women than men?

[جوري]

this is a right given to the man by Allah

It is a privilege & not an injunction.. You're most certainly welcome to find a sister who will not object.
I know many sisters who are actually supporting their husbands if we're to go by that particular definition of do-good!

:w:

['Abd-al Latif]

The only ones who should be encouraged to contribute in this thread are married men and women whose input will serve as guidance and advice for those who are not married. It is thus far unsurprising that it has been largely married brothers and sisters who have contributed with good advice.

As I've mentioned many times before, I strongly discourage all marriage discussions between brothers and sisters because I can't see it bringing any good. Both genders need to instead thoroughly educate themselves in the fiqh of marriage and divorce, with each gender focusing on the obligations that he or she will have while married.

For brothers and sisters to discuss any marriage topic with each other will bring much argument because of the diversity of culture, preference and acceptance of certain matters. Each individual will therefore have his or her own views on a particular topic and the level of knowledge, ignorance and tolerance level will dictate much of the discussion.

I approved this thread with much hesitation and reluctance and I'm on the verge of closing it because I've not seen any reason to keep it open. But nevertheless, as always, I'll let the next few posts dictate the future of this thread.

[جوري]

I see the future now:threadclo :D

[Iceee]

close this thread ^^^

[CosmicPathos]

You don't need a verse for what should be common sense and can in fact be inferred from the prophet's :saws: behavior toward his womenfolk. He actually loved women!
It doesn't aggrieve me the path you choose for yourself.. I wish you happiness in it and good luck!

Prophet pbuh did not live in times when feminist ideology existed. Prophet pbuh did not live in times when manhood was in danger. Prophet pbuh did not live in times when men were slave to women. Prophet pbuh did not live in times when men's source of livelihood and work was under attack by women/feminist dajjal who were taking over their jobs. Prophet pbuh did not live in times when men's numbers were dwindling.

I have never said "be abusive to your womenfolk." I love womenfolk in family. I am only talking about things outside of family.

[Futuwwa]

It seems like polygamy is a burden for the righteous man and a lot of fun and games for the sinful man :p:

[Indian Bro]

It is a privilege & not an injunction.. You're most certainly welcome to find a sister who will not object.
I know many sisters who are actually supporting their husbands if we're to go by that particular definition of do-good!

:w:

As-salamu alaykum,

I meant to say it is something that Allah (s.w.t.) permits a man to do so but only if he can do justice to the wives. And with regards to women objecting to polygamy, I've observed it in the thread as well as real-life. I know many women who will approve of it, but I was speaking specifically about the ones who do not.

And Allah (s.w.t.) knows best

Salam 3laikum

[جوري]

Prophet pbuh did not live in times when feminist ideology existed.

I don't know what this has to do with the topic or the prophet or the folks on board and as I stated I genuinely wish you happiness with your choices.

[Indian Bro]

It seems like polygamy is a burden for the righteous man and a lot of fun and games for the sinful man :p:

As-salamu alaykum,

Brother, from what knowledge I have, if a man has the provision to support another wife then he should act upon it because there are many women in this world who do not get the chance to marry. If a man has the provision but does not feel he can do justice to his wives, then he should support an orphan. Basically, if Allah (s.w.t.) has given you provision, you must use it effectively and not spend it on worldly things or leave it lying for no reason. Biggest example is I see many of these Arab sheikhs spending millions of pounds buying football clubs when that money could go on something I mentioned above. People who are given lots of provision in this dunya indeed have a larger "burden" than a person given lesser provision.

And Allah (s.w.t.) knows best

Salam 3laikum

[جوري]

And with regards to women objecting to polygamy, I've observed it in the thread as well as real-life.

Why take offense over someone else's psychology then? I thought it was an odd choice of words over something as is widely known a privilege and not an injunction and we've seen cases during the time of the prophet :saws: where some didn't want to be married to former slaves or others demanding a divorce and others demanding that another wife not be taken.
It does work for some people and none of us are objecting to what :Allah::swt: made lawful .. it is a personal choice and preference and that's where it needs to remain.

[Indian Bro]

Why take offense over someone else's psychology then? I thought it was an odd choice of words over something as is widely known a privilege and not an injunction and we've seen cases during the time of the prophet :saws: where some didn't want to be married to former slaves or others demanding a divorce and others demanding that another wife not be taken.
It does work for some people and none of us are objecting to what :Allah::swt: made lawful .. it is a personal choice and preference and that's where it needs to remain.

As-salamu alaykum,

I must have misunderstood this thread. I thought the OP was asking if the women would allow their husbands to marry another wife, and I read a few responses saying "No". I felt offended by this because this is something which Allah (s.w.t.) allowed the men to do so how can someone disallow it? I am not denying that women might not feel comfortable around the idea but that doesn't mean they should disallow their husband to do something which is halal. The most important thing is that a woman must firstly marry the right person, and if she does I don't think she'll ever have a problem with her husband marrying more wives because she knows his intentions. I stress again that I do not approve of men marrying more than one wife if they do not do justice to all their wives. Either be sure that you can do justice to all or adopt an orphan. Please correct me if I have gone wrong somewhere.

Salam 3laikum

[Ali_008]

Let's just agree that it is a matter of preference. Most men don't take multiple wives, that is their preference. Most women don't want their husbands to have more partners, that is their preference. Islam does justice to both men and women.

[Iceee]

Let's just agree that it is a matter of preference. Most men don't take multiple wives, that is their preference. Most women don't want their husbands to have more partners, that is their preference. Islam does justice to both men and women.

But isn't your question; Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?
What if the husband wants to but the wife says no... That is what we are giving our opinions are about.

[Ali_008]

^^ Then it all comes down to what was agreed upon in the marriage contract. If the marriage contract specified that the husband would need to take permission from the wife for a second wife then he just can't go for it.

On the other hand, if it wasn't specified then either the husband can choose to respect his wife's wishes, or the wife can do the same for the husband, or regrettably, it may be the end of the path for the marriage.

[Iceee]

it may be the end of the path for the marriage.

Inshallah this is not the case.

[Indian Bro]

Let's just agree that it is a matter of preference. Most men don't take multiple wives, that is their preference. Most women don't want their husbands to have more partners, that is their preference. Islam does justice to both men and women.

As-salamu alaykum

Brother, I agree with what you say, but from what I understand a woman may not disallow her husband from marrying another. It is in the nature of women to not feel comfortable around this idea, it becomes a fitna for them. I know parents who do not wake their children up for Fajr because they do not feel "right" to disturb their children's sleep. At the end of the day we just have to accept that when Allah (s.w.t.) declares something halal, we cannot oppose it or think it unfair or whatever, there is a wisdom behind it that we may or may not know or comprehend, so we must just treat it as a trial.

And Allah (s.w.t.) knows best

Salam 3laikum

[Iceee]

As-salamu alaykum

Brother, I agree with what you say, but from what I understand a woman may not disallow her husband from marrying another. It is in the nature of women to not feel comfortable around this idea, it becomes a fitna for them. I know parents who do not wake their children up for Fajr because they do not feel "right" to disturb their children's sleep. At the end of the day we just have to accept that when Allah (s.w.t.) declares something halal, we cannot oppose it or think it unfair or whatever, there is a wisdom behind it that we may or may not know or comprehend, so we must just treat it as a trial.

And Allah (s.w.t.) knows best

Salam 3laikum

Salaam.

So let's say the husband marries another woman which is halal. The first wife doesn't agree and files for divorce. Who's at fault?

[Ali_008]

^^ We don't need to worry so much about it, because the wives' aren't wrong either if they dislike it for their husbands. Plus, it is not fard, it's just flexibility in our deen. In this matter, we can actually say "to each his own." Neither are we at a crisis where a number of women would be left unmarried if men stopped taking multiple partners. If there comes such a crisis then women would be wrong to refrain their husbands from adopting this choice.

Salaam.

So let's say the husband marries another woman which is halal. The first wife doesn't agree and files for divorce. Who's at fault?

Nobody. The divorce is a result of incompatibility then. The divorce of Zayd ibn Harithah and Zainab bint Jahsh (RadhiAllahu Anhuma) took place because there was incompatibility between them.

[Indian Bro]

Salaam.

So let's say the husband marries another woman which is halal. The first wife doesn't agree and files for divorce. Who's at fault?

As-salam alaykum

I do not possess the level of knowledge to decide on such matters with limited information.

Salam 3laikum

[Iceee]

Salaam.

So let's say the husband marries another woman which is halal. The first wife doesn't agree and files for divorce. Who's at fault?

Neither are we at a crisis where a number of women would be left unmarried if men stopped taking multiple partners.

Salaam.

In this case if the divorce does happen, the man loses a wife. The wife will then be "unmarried."

Lose-Lose situation tbh.

[Indian Bro]

^^ We don't need to worry so much about it, because the wives' aren't wrong either if they dislike it for their husbands. Plus, it is not fard, it's just flexibility in our deen. In this matter, we can actually say "to each his own." Neither are we at a crisis where a number of women would be left unmarried if men stopped taking multiple partners. If there comes such a crisis then women would be wrong to refrain their husbands from adopting this choice.

Firstly, no one is saying wives are to be blamed for not feeling comfortable with the idea.

Secondly, you say its not a "fard" to do so, but you're fine with a woman denying this right to a man. Allah (s.w.t.) knows more than all of us, why can you guys accept that and just agree that polygamy is something part of our religion and it's the HUSBANDS choice, not the wife. The husband will be questioned if he does injustice and the wife will be questioned if she disallows her husband from doing something which Allah (s.w.t.) made halal.

Thirdly, are you implying that this particular law of Islam is only applicable at the time of a particular crisis? Please correct me if I have misunderstood anything.

Salam 3laikum

[Mustafa2012]

Assalamu Alaikum

Yes I would. I used to be a little open about it before anyways, but I feel moreso now.

The reasons are because I love Allah more than myself, and I love my husband more than I love myself. I also know that it's something that I can handle inshallah. Jealousy is not something my husband has ever made me feel, nor my family, and it's not an easy emotion for me to feel because I'm thankful for everything I have. Emotions change overtime, I don't want a little emotion to be in the way of something that could be good for me or lead me into jannah inshallah. I know that if it ever came down to him wanting a 2nd wife it wouldn't be for a frivolous reason, and I know his character is the type that honestly would be a person who would be capable of doing it the right way mashallah. The only thing I want from my husband is for him to remain as he is or become better than the way he currently is in piety, kindness, respectfulness, etc.

I also think sometimes if a woman can accept being a 2nd wife, then maybe she is in more need of having a husband than my husband is of having a 2nd wife. There are things we humans can only see on the surface of a situation, but Allah let's things happen the way they do because he knows the entirety of the situation and the pureness of the people involved, and how could I ever argue against what I can't see??

Before marriage, I'd play with the idea of actually having someone there who'd be like my sister, and we'd help each other in our iman, and raise our kids together, etc. I think positively of it all because it's a part of Islam that is halal, and I'd prefer this over my husband doing something haram. Plus, my husband did marry me, so if he married anyone other than me, I'm sure she'd be just as awesome :D

Scenario: If I had a husband who let's say just wanted a wife for his own personal reasons, I'd still be open to it simply because I'd assume there's something that I could not fulfill that he was able to find in someone else, which I'd be ok with because I'm not perfect. As long as my husband is pious and pleasing Allah, that is more than I could ever ask for because I'd know he'd fear Allah to wrong either one of us.

Scenario: If I had a husband who was not all that pious (kind of difficult to think of), I would not mind him to marry a 2nd wife with the sole possibility that she would help increase his piety. However, if this did not happen, then I would not want to be with my husband anymore.

Inshallah khair wa allahu a'lem.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

:salamext:

:ma:

:jz:

You have a good understanding of polygany and the needs of a husband.

I pray the Allaah :swt1: guides more sisters to a better understanding of this topic so that we can be a more united Ummah for the sake of Allaah.

Even though the wives of the Prophet had jealousy which is understandable, I am not aware of any one of them stipulating that if he took a 2nd wife, they would want a divorce.

And I know that most people are far from the level of The Prophet :saws: but there are some good brothers out there who I believe :ia: can do justice if they were in a position to take on a 2nd wife.

Nowadays, in many cases, having a 2nd wife can quite a challenge which is why the chances of it happening are low.

However it's good for a man to have the option if he ever decides to have a 2nd wife in the future.

Of course, this is something that should be discussed before marrying the 1st one.

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

wow subhanallah, this thread is reminding me of the old days when there was a marriage section--hot topics about marriage and not much experience being married :D

All I can say is we can sit here and talk about the "what if's" which is really shaytan's way of making you stray away from the truth because really everything is in Allah's hands and He can flip the switch on your heart later on if He subhanahu wa ta'ala so chooses to no matter what your opinion is of the unknown/future. For example, when I was younger, I would never have imagined myself finding anyone with a beard attractive, but Allah has beautified it in my eyes as I grew older, and there was a time where I never thought I'd be able to wear the hijaab forever, and alhemdulilah after making the efforts to try it, Allah increased the love for it in my heart and I have never taken it off. Do not forget that the mercy of Allah sometimes lies with you trying something for His sake, despite who is there to harm you or discourage you. I'm sure we can relate to doing something for the sake of Allah that we were afraid to do and it turned out as one of the best choices in our lives.

Even your spouse can make you fall in love with the deen more and make you a stronger person, and through this your outlook on life can change tremendously--and I say this towards both sides. Our desires for something before it is fulfilled is much stronger than it is after it's fulfilled (like the idea of our husbands all to ourselves before we're even married, or in the case of men, wanting and fantasizing about more than one wife before marriage). Plus as the time goes on, you will understand each other more, and you will know what kinds of responsibilities you can take on and what your spouse can handle. I don't think that if a husband truly loves and understands his wife, he will want to make her feel burdened and vice versa. At the end of the day, it's between that specific individual couple.

The right thing to do is to--here comes the magic word--communicate.

Know what you want and communicate it to your potential spouse before marriage.

But in general, men need to understand that women are emotional creatures and they can't help but want attention and feel prideful and protective over what they have (which is why men may not want to hurt her feelings and discuss these personal things)...and women need to understand that men are sexual creatures and would be delighted to have more than one partner if that door was open for them (and some men don't really think it through as if it's a complete desire without logical thought, which is often why women have negative views of polygamy because those kinds of men make that kind of lifestyle seem very difficult). But this is how Allah 3azawajjal has made us, and you will learn that marriage is about being selfless and finding a middle ground, and not about feeling like you have to sacrifice your happiness or asking for an ultimatum.

fi aman allah
w'salaam

[Qurratul Ayn]

:salamext:

wow subhanallah, this thread is reminding me of the old days when there was a marriage section--hot topics about marriage and not much experience being married

Agreed, milady :D

Scenario: If I had a husband who was not all that pious (kind of difficult to think of), I would not mind him to marry a 2nd wife with the sole possibility that she would help increase his piety. However, if this did not happen, then I would not want to be with my husband anymore.

:alhamd: that you don't have this situation, my dear, beloved Sister *charisma*, but I'm quite intrigued as to why (if this scenario were true) you may not want to be with your husband anymore if his piety did not increase? Would you not want to still aid him to become a better Muslim whether he took a second wife or not??? I'm not having a go at you or being negative towards you, I'm just intrigued as to your reasons why.

Please don't mind my questions :D

[Mustafa2012]

Sister Charisma...

:ma:

:jz:

That is excellent advice.

[sister herb]

Salam alaykum

Even that I am the Western sister, I was before the second wife. It didn´t bother me at all - but to the first wife of my husband it was as insult against her. She threatened to kill me if she ever meets me. Our husband is now dead but still I think I never want to meet his first one.

:embarrass

[Qurratul Ayn]

^ Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Eelayhi Raji'un

Oh my dear Sister sister harb... *BIG HUG*

I'll protect you, don't you worry.

It might have been a culture thing with her to have her think it was an insult to her position. Some cultures are strange like that

You have been super brave to be a second wife! Masha'Allaah!

[sister herb]

Salam alaykum

to you

To her culture it was normal if his husband wants to marry the second, not mine.


Thanks about hug, dear.

[Qurratul Ayn]

You are very welcome, my lovely.

To her culture it was normal if his husband wants to marry the second, not mine.

OK, Sister harb but do you know the reasons as to why she took it as an insult to herself?

[*charisma*]

Wa'alaikum asalaam wa rahmatallahi wa barakatuhu

:salamext:

Wow. This thread has been very active. :alhamd:

:alhamd: that you don't have this situation, my dear, beloved Sister *charisma*, but I'm quite intrigued as to why you may not want to be with your husband anymore if his piety did not increase? Would you not want to still aid him to become a better Muslim whether he took a second wife or not??? I'm not having a go at you or being negative towards you, I'm just intrigued as to your reasons why.

I should have made it more clear, but it would be very difficult for me to be with someone who is not religious to begin with, but I would try my best to help him in his imaan for as long as I could. If I had married this person, but they still did not improve after some time, I don't think I would desire to be with this person anymore because it would be difficult for me to spend my life with someone who's sole focus is not on pleasing Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, regardless of whether a 2nd wife is present or not. I would lose attraction for him in my eyes. I also believe there comes a point in most people's lives where they just don't change and they remain in the same mindset for years. I could try and try to help him and he would not change because he simply does not want to, it would be so disheartening.

If you have kids, you'd want your husband to be on the same page as you are in raising them, and you'd want him to be an example of what a good muslim is to them. If you have a shortcoming in your iman, you want to be able to lean on your husband for help. You'd want him to desire paradise and meeting Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala as much as you and to show it by working for it. You want to be able to look at him and automatically think of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala because of how precious he is to your life. If I were not married to someone pious, I would feel alone in the most important aspect of my life, and what's the point of being married if that were the case? I can find wealthy, handsome, intelligent men to marry, but iman is something special that is given by Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala that will outlast the length of time and outweigh the benefits of all this world and what's in it. I could tolerate being with someone who's not religious, but the benefits of being with someone who is religious will outweigh the benefits of being with someone who's not religious in my personal opinion. This is all hypothetically speaking of course, because as I said, it's very difficult for me to even imagine accepting someone to marry who was not religious.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

[sister herb]

You are very welcome, my lovely.



OK, Sister harb but do you know the reasons as to why she took it as an insult to herself?

Salam alaykum

Hers society (Palestinian) is chaging and taking more than one wife might not be accepted with educated people. His mom was the first wife and then his father took second from other country and his sisters too disagreed our marriage.

But we loved each others. :cry:

[Qurratul Ayn]

taking more than one wife might not be accepted with educated people.

Unfortunately, that seems to be the case for majority of cultures, societies and what have you. People are making that more important than Islam, it's very sad to see. The western views are penetrating people all over the world.

his sisters too disagreed our marriage.

It is sad to hear that. Were his parents OK with your marriage?

But we loved each others.

Aaawww!!! *BIG HUG*

[Qurratul Ayn]

I should have made it more clear, but it would be very difficult for me to be with someone who is not religious to begin with, but I would try my best to help him in his imaan for as long as I could. If I had married this person, but they still did not improve after some time, I don't think I would desire to be with this person anymore because it would be difficult for me to spend my life with someone who's sole focus is not on pleasing Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, regardless of whether a 2nd wife is present or not. I would lose attraction for him in my eyes. I also believe there comes a point in most people's lives where they just don't change and they remain in the same mindset for years. I could try and try to help him and he would not change because he simply does not want to, it would be so disheartening.

I understand your point

If you have kids, you'd want your husband to be on the same page as you are in raising them, and you'd want him to be an example of what a good muslim is to them. If you have a shortcoming in your iman, you want to be able to lean on your husband for help. You'd want him to desire paradise and meeting Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala as much as you and to show it by working for it. You want to be able to look at him and automatically think of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala because of how precious he is to your life.

Of course, absolutely

it's very difficult for me to even imagine accepting someone to marry who was not religious.

I did and I didn't even suspect it, I just assumed that he would be pious. The naivety

Basically, it's coming up to five years of my marriage, :alhamd:, I married very young, was in 6th Form. In the early days of our marriage, I picked up on the fact that he didn't read his Namaaz, nor his Qur'aan, whenever I would ask him he would always have an excuse.

He was and is the most patient, caring, big-hearted man I've ever had the privilege to meet, despite the fact he never used to read his Namaaz or read the Qur'aan.

I always woke up for Fajr and read Salaah by myself and in my Du'as every day, I would cry my heart out to :Allah: to give me Sabr, to guide my Husband onto the true path, to give me the strength to help in guiding him and to increase my Imaan so I can be strong for my Husband. This went on for 3 long, long, years and a bit, I would still ask him to read with me but he again he would make excuses, I noticed he would always keep his fasts during Ramadhaan and read his full Salaah then too.

One day, I woke up for Fajr and began reading my Salaah, the next thing I know, he lays a Salaah mat next to mine and begins to read his Fajr!!! After I had finished my Salaah, the waterworks turned on full blast then, I couldn't stop! My beloved Husband held me and then we had a long, long, long chat about the past, present and the imminent future that we can face together with the strength of our love in Allaah, Islam and for each other. He repented then and is always repenting as am I, for we should always ask for forgiveness for everything. Obviously, there will be times when one of us go down, or be faced with a trial that truly tests us but now we know we have each other and with :Allah: in our hearts we can never fail :D

The joy, happiness and the peace that filled me then is always with me now, you don't understand the amount of tears, hurt and suffering I endured because he would not read his Salaah or Qur'aan. Now he reads his 5 Salaah, Qur'aan every morning with me, goes to the Masjid regularly, does charity runs and events too :D It has been worth every tear, pain and hurt that I endured.

The hardest test I had faced without a doubt in my life.

:Allah: truly blessed me with Sabr and strength, I had never lost hope. Now, he's the one who wakes me up for Fajr!!! The cheek! Lol! I'm truly happy now and will be now knowing he's there for me and I'm there for him (he said so himself! Yippee! :D)

I must say I thought of it as a challenge after I found out his attitude towards Salaah, even though I knew I would suffer a tremendous amount of hurt and pain, and it may not end positively and I might have had to face up to the reality of it not working out :skeleton: However, it has all worked out, :Allah: is truly the best.

So, there's always hope even for a lost soul, one should never give up and with :Allah: always there to guide and help, one can never fail

Y'all keep making Du'a and always be optimistic (my husband taught me optimism - haha!)

:salamext:

[sister herb]

Salam alaykum

yes his and my parents accepted lately our marriage.

To mine I never tell that I was the second wife. As the Christians they wouldn´t understand me at all. :embarrass May Allah accepts my little lie to my mom and dad.

By the way it is crime in my country but my crime is already growing old. No need to call police about it.

;D

[Qurratul Ayn]

:salamext:

OK, my first response to Brother Ali_008's question was No.

So dear sisters, would you allow your husband to take another wife?

No

But since speaking to my Husband about the possibility of him marrying again, I have become enlightened in his thoughts of it and I was able to express myself too.

He basically said to me that he had considered marrying again, and he thought about it at length too but he is happy with me as his soul mate and doesn't want anyone else. He said (his exact words, they're imprinted on my mind), "We shall be together in this life and :ia: in Jannah too", I couldn't control the waterworks and it began. After I finally stopped, used a whole box of Kleenex (balsam ones; they're very good, I must say), he had asked me what are my thoughts on the matter. I responded saying it will be very x100 hard for me as I know I will become jealous and intolerant of her and the fact that I will become very possessive over him. But now reading y'all views and thoughts, I showed them to my Husband, I said, if :Allah: gave me Sabr and the strength in our marriage then He will surely give it to me if you ever marry again. I said that I will try my utmost to be caring, loving and be a good sister to her but we would have to have separate houses (I like that option), I also said to him you never know what the future holds and what :Allah: has in store for us. My Husband agreed and said that he will always consult me if he ever does reconsider about taking another wife.

So, there y'all go. Our thoughts.

None of us will never know what lies in store for us all but always know that :Allah: will never ever burden us with trials and tests that we can't handle and deal with.

Stay true to :Allah:, be strong and keep making Du'a

Making Du'a for y'all always

:salamext:

[Qurratul Ayn]

yes his and my parents accepted lately our marriage.

That's what mattered the most :D

By the way it is crime in my country but my crime is already growing old. No need to call police about it.

No need, indeed ;D

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

I did and I didn't even suspect it, I just assumed that he would be pious. The naivety

Basically, it's coming up to five years of my marriage, , I married very young, was in 6th Form. In the early days of our marriage, I picked up on the fact that he didn't read his Namaaz, nor his Qur'aan, whenever I would ask him he would always have an excuse.

He was and is the most patient, caring, big-hearted man I've ever had the privilege to meet, despite the fact he never used to read his Namaaz or read the Qur'aan.

I always woke up for Fajr and read Salaah by myself and in my Du'as every day, I would cry my heart out to to give me Sabr, to guide my husband onto the true path, to give me the strength to help in guiding him and to increase my Imaan so I can be strong for my husband. This went on for 3 long, long, years and a bit, I would still ask him to read with me but he again he would make excuses, I noticed he would always keep his fasts during Ramadhaan and read his full Salaah then too.

One day, I woke up for Fajr and began reading my Salaah, the next thing I know, he lays a Salaah mat next to mine and begins to read his Fajr!!! After I had finished my Salaah, the waterworks turned on full blast then, I couldn't stop! My beloved husband held me and then we had a long, long, long chat about the past, present and the imminent future that we can face together with the strength of our love in Allaah, Islam and for each other. He repented then and is always repenting as am I, for we should always ask for forgiveness for everything. Obviously, there will be times when one of us go down, or be faced with a trial that truly tests us but now we know we have each other and with in our hearts we can never fail

The joy, happiness and the peace that filled me then is always with me now, you don't understand the amount of tears, hurt and suffering I endured because he would not read his Salaah or Qur'aan. Now he reads his 5 Salaah, Qur'aan every morning with me, goes to the Masjid regularly, does charity runs and events too It has been worth every tear, pain and hurt that I endured.

The hardest test I had faced without a doubt in my life.

truly blessed me with Sabr and strength, I had never lost hope. Now, he's the one who wakes me up for Fajr!!! The cheek! Lol! I'm truly happy now and will be now knowing he's there for me and I'm there for him (he said so himself! Yippee! )

I must say I thought of it as a challenge after I found out his attitude towards Salaah, even though I knew I would suffer a tremendous amount of hurt and pain, and it may not end positively and might have had to face up to the reality of it not working out However, it has all worked out, is truly the best.

So, there's always hope even for a lost soul, one should never give up and with always there to guide and help, one can never fail

Y'all keep making Du'a and always be optimistic (my husband taught me optimism - haha!)

Mashallah, that was very delightful to read..I am so happy for you wallah. I can agree with you that there's always hope for a lost soul. Sometimes even marrying someone who is religious may not turn out so great in the end either because they can lose a lot of their iman. It's all in the hands of Allah. I say what I said because I also have experience being engaged to someone who did not pray or know more about the deen. He had a westernized mentality with some issues. It actually started affecting my iman because I wanted to fit into his lifestyle more. It sounds so crazy when i think of it now, but that's what happened. Alhemdulilah it didn't work out with him and it was by Allah's decree alhemdulilah. Allah blessed me with someone a million times better and I can't think of ever going back to that same mindset where I would accept the possibility of someone changing later on over just marrying someone who is religious from the beginning. I mean I honestly liked the idea of marrying someone who I'd be able to change and help, who can lean on me, etc. but if you are not strong, that person may start changing you for the worse instead, or you could be wasting your time and life struggling to become better on your own verses doing it when you have a good support system by your side. Love may keep me with someone who is not religious, but my heart would not be fully at rest knowing that I am in love with a person who's not good for my iman.

May Allah bless you for being more mature and stronger than most women. Alhemdulilah that Allah has rewarded your patience with a more pious husband, you are a such an amazing, beautiful, and wonderful wife for not giving up on someone you almost lost hope on mashallah <3 I feel Allah was testing you with a test and you passed it alhemdulilah, but many women are not as lucky as having their husbands change for the better and it's in Allah's definite wisdom for that reason.

Marriage itself is a blessing from Allah, so whoever we end up with is by Allah's decree, and if we do everything correctly in regards to getting married (praying istikhara, making sincere dua that allah bless us with a person good for our iman) then Allah knows what we do not about the way this person will affect us in the end whether their iman is good or not. (:

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

I want to ask a question.

WHO on this entire thread is married or has every been married? those are the only folks who should be speaking out, because even a sister (this thread began as a question for sisters) with the best of intentions doesn't know what she's talking about until she has been married for a while, that's the truth. I get tired of seeing hypothetical scenarios. People who have been married understand that it is difficult enough to make ONE MARRIAGE work, let alone multiple ones.

I was married for 6 years. Unfortunately it ended in divorce and now a child suffers for it. Yes everything happens for a reason, and I have grown tons after my divorce Alhamdullilah, and it is probably why I'm comfortable with polygamy(I never said it would be easy for me, it would probably be extremely painful at first), after having to provide for myself and my child and going through some very hard times, I would not wish this upon any sister. I have seen some spoiled rotten women who are very ungrateful and all they do is complain, then they cry because their husbands want to take on another wife. Count your blessings if ur married and make it work! Treat ur husband with kindness and respect, be grateful. If polygamy comes up in your marriage, take a deep look within and put yourself in widow or divorcee's shoes. What if you end up there one day and some selfish sister "forbade" her husband from taking on another wife and u end up alone for the rest of your life with no one to give you some love and attention and put a roof over your head, would you like that for yourself? Again I repeat, nobody said it would be a walk in the park, but Allah made you a woman, and he will not put more on your shoulders than you can bare. Let your heart, not your corrupted naffs lead you. What about wanting for our sisters what we want for ourselves? If you had to walk those shoes, wouldn't you want a good husband to take care of you?

ETA: I don't intend to guilt any of my sisters. I do apologize if I come off high and mighty. It isn't my intention. What I say to you I am saying to myself also. I'd be a big liar to say that polygamy is my favorite subject and it's the best thing right after sliced bread . It isn't an easy subject, and definitely not my favorite. My experiences have forced me to reflect and rethink all of this, not only that, but also as I learn my deen more, things like this become easier to understand, accept and talk about. 5 years ago I wouldn't even imagine saying some of the things I do. Anyway, all I'm saying is, don't be so quick to dismiss the idea. There's alot more to say but, not for this thread anyway.

As for the brothers, lol. It is usually the young ones who want the multiple wives, as I said before, try making one marriage work first, see how ur brain gets eaten daily, and multiply that times 4. :D Get real. It's just hormones speaking. I have seen a man driven out of his home by two wives, he didn't want to come back and was contemplating on divorcing both of them (I'm friends with both wives). Also, if you want to take on another wife, do it for the right reasons(this is for those who keep saying, they don't HAVE to marry a divorcee or widow etc), Allah gave us freedom of choice, Allah knows your heart and your intentions. Remember if it's your hormones and desires you follow, there's animals out there who can copulate better than you, eat more than you and be better animals than you. Because they were created to be animals. YOU, as a human are created to grow and be better than a beast. If you take on another wife, do it to help the ummah.

Throw tomatoes at me, I don't care. :D

- cOsMiC

['Abd-al Latif]

:salamext:

The last few posts are the reasons why I wanted only married brothers and sisters to contribute. I believe this is one of the rare occasions when one actually learns about the other side of marriage. A really good example all of you are to those who are unmarried I believe. May Allah bless you in your marriages.

[tigerkhan]

:sl:
i have nothing to add in this hot topic...but what i see in live of Prophet PBUH, marriage was not a purpose, like many guys now a days actually had purpose of life to marry a beautiful woman. so after sometime with that woman, they start thing for another. In prophet PBUH life and lives of Suhabiyaat, the purpose was to spread islam. so if marriage is supporting their purpose, they went for it regardless of whether it was 2nd, 3rd or 4th. Same was with suhabiyaat, they don't like to live life as widow but they usually marry again after death of first husband.
personally i think "nikah" should be made more common and easy but not for the lust of males but sake of Islam and humanity.

[Ali_008]

Also, if you want to take on another wife, do it for the right reasons(this is for those who keep saying, they don't HAVE to marry a divorcee or widow etc)

I have a way for such brothers as well who wish to take a second wife, but not a widow or a divorcee. They can marry those girls who aren't married yet, because they are past the age of marriage. It is more of a culture issue. In some cultures, even 25 is an age where the girls are considered bad for marriage.

People who have been married understand that it is difficult enough to make ONE MARRIAGE work, let alone multiple ones.

As for the brothers, lol. It is usually the young ones who want the multiple wives, as I said before, try making one marriage work first, see how ur brain gets eaten daily, and multiply that times 4.

I have tried to draw everybody's attention to that as well. In fact, I think the man gets lot lot lot more on his shoulders when he goes for a 2nd, or 3rd, or 4th marriage. I've listed out the troubles the guy faces in other posts in this thread such as:

[BANANA]

I am finding it weird that nobody's is mentioning anything about the guy's ordeal in all this. Come on, multiple wives doesn't just mean multiple sex partners, it also means multiple responsibilities. 90% of the world population would say that they are unhappy, and the burden of responsibilities is thrusting them into the ground. Most people generally handle just one household, and claim to be dealing with the most difficult situations everyday. Think about a pious Muslim with multiple wives, that guy has twice or thrice or even four times the trouble which you're facing. He has to apply for four credit cards, and pay for them as well. He has to look after four different sets of kids. He has to make sure that four different women in all shapes and forms are content and satisfied on a daily basis. He is the shepherd of 4 different herds. The questions you'll be asked on the day of judgment just once, he'll be asked those question 4 times. He can't even think of a life without his watch and organizer.

I had once read the interview of two co-wives from Australia. Even they admitted that the one who has the most difficult time in their arrangement is the husband who has twice the trouble that regular husbands have.

[/BANANA]
[MOUSE]

I wanted to see what people would say about the predicaments that the man faces by taking more wives, but so far only Sister Zaria has addressed it in someway. On the outside, it would seem cool to have more women to get physical with, but that's what the problem is with our perverted heads. There is so so much more to marriage then just intimacy. As a matter of fact, even if we take intimacy as THE only factor in marriages then a guy with 4 wives will have a tough life anyway, because he will always have a pregnant companion among the four he chose. By the time, all four would have delivered in succession (a total of 36 months = 3 years), the first one will be ready for another baby, and the cycle will continue. Just imagine, a life or a chunk of life dedicated to satiating cravings. :scared: Man!!!! It's tough to be a husband to more than one.

[/MOUSE]

Allah has allowed it for us, but it is also very evident that it isn't cakewalk in anyway for both the husband and the wives involved.

That makes sense, but on the other hand, it could be hard for a woman to live completely alone half the time (or two thirds or three quarters of the time). I'd like to be open to this idea in the future insha Allah but personally, I'd rather have the feeling of protection of not living alone than worry about jealousy. I'm surprised that jealousy is a bigger problem. I suppose it really depends on the personalities of the people involved, I was just wondering if it was permissible to have separate apartments in the same house, as I got the impression from some posts that it wasn't acceptable at all. I mean apartments on separate floors, not close together or anything. In some African countries, families have a kind of compound, and then have separate buildings inside it, and I've seen films where the wives had a good relationship with each other and the children all played together. Personally, I'd prefer that to living alone and my kids not knowing my husband's other kids, and me not knowing his other wives. Obviously the scholars know what they are talking about when they derive these rulings, but would it still be discouraged if that was the cultural norm?

Like I've said before, only the affluent people should engage in polygyny, because only they can comfortably take all the expenses that come with it. I didn't mean that the homes should be too far from each other. Let's say two houses in a compound that are next to each other or adjacent to each other will be perfect in my opinion. Convenient for the husband to keep dividing the time between his wives without having to worry about the distance, and convenient for the wives to be for each other at times when the husband isn't around. Also, gives them the comfort of visiting each other, fostering trust between each other, and the kids can play with their half-siblings as well.

In this case if the divorce does happen, the man loses a wife. The wife will then be "unmarried."

Lose-Lose situation tbh.

Go back to the post where I responded to that question in the first place. The response above the quote box was for Indian Bro, what I wrote below the quote box was for you.

Secondly, you say its not a "fard" to do so, but you're fine with a woman denying this right to a man. Allah (s.w.t.) knows more than all of us, why can you guys accept that and just agree that polygamy is something part of our religion and it's the HUSBANDS choice, not the wife. The husband will be questioned if he does injustice and the wife will be questioned if she disallows her husband from doing something which Allah (s.w.t.) made halal.

Thirdly, are you implying that this particular law of Islam is only applicable at the time of a particular crisis? Please correct me if I have misunderstood anything.

All of us here acknowledge that it is part of our deen. It is the husband's right for sure, but if the marriage contract says that the wife's consent is required then it becomes a wife's right as well. There are some cases in which the sisters straight out put the clause that as long as the man is married to them, he can't take a second wife, let alone seek permission. Allah has made the deen easy for us. If a wife hasn't chosen to put any such clause, even then she should be consulted because it showed the piety and liberty on her part to let the husband do this. She has to be respected for it, and CONSULTED. Consultation doesn't, necessarily, mean asking for consent. Moreover, a second marriage will impact the first wife's life, and one has to consider that as well. Thus, the wife's involvement and willingness is a lot more important than given credit for.

I didn't imply any such thing. I just said that if there were a crisis like that then it will highly important to take multiple wives. Only the scholars can tag whether it will be anything even close to let's say waajib.

[Independent]

Does anyone have any experience of this from the child's point of view? I ask because children tend to be very jealous of their parent's affection.

I'm from a large family myself and I know that all of us at various times were convinced our parents favoured one child or another (even though in truth they could not have been more even-handed in the way they brought us up). Also, in my case, my father worked extremely hard and although the family was his priority, there are only so many hours in the day.

This jealousy problem must surely be even harder to avoid in a situation where there are also other half brothers and sisters.

[ardianto]

My reason to not marry more than one woman is because I'm not able to manage polygamy which one wife respect other wife(s). I'm sure they must be jealous and hate each other. That's if my first wife does not choose to leave me. This is what I never want. I just want to have a family which my wife and kids feel happy.

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

I have a way for such brothers as well who wish to take a second wife, but not a widow or a divorcee. They can marry those girls who aren't married yet, because they are past the age of marriage. It is more of a culture issue. In some cultures, even 25 is an age where the girls are considered bad for marriage.

Yes, that's an option as well, there's sisters who have reached their 30's and never been married, and due to culture chances get slimmer as the years go by. How unfair. As long all women have an opportunity to marry, that's what is important. This is one of the reasons polygamy is allowed.

Another kind of scenario for example, I know of a sister, whom her husband divorced her because she cannot have children. Due to cultural mumbo jumbo, she has not been able to re-marry. Should she spend the rest of her life alone because she can't have kids? :hmm: Not all divorcees adn widows come with the responsibility of children ya know....

My reason to not marry more than one woman is because I'm not able to manage polygamy which one wife respect other wife(s). I'm sure they must be jealous and hate each other. That's if my first wife does not choose to leave me. This is what I never want. I just want to have a family which my wife and kids feel happy.

That's exactly how it is NOT supposed to be. A little jelousy is normal. When prophet Muhammad (saw) was gong to mary Umm Salama, Aisha(ra) was soo worried that Umm Salamah was much more beautiful than she was. Umm Salama was much older than Aisha (ra), yet it was still a worry to her and she was a bit jealous at first. We will find many stories like these when we study the lives of the wives of the prophet (saw). Rivalry, that's what the problem is and that is due to the weakness of imaan we have now. Every muslim woman knows polygamy is permissible, so instead of finding excuses as to why "it's not for them" they should ask themselves why they have such a difficult time accepting the idea, we cannot accept portions of Islam, we must accept it all.

What will happen the day polygamy is actually necessary? More people have died in wars in modern times than in the past. The first to go are usually the men. Women outnumber men, so where are all the unmarried women? who is taking care of them?

food for thought.

Also, men shoudln't be afraid of their first wife leaving them. Who wears the pants? If first wife wants to leave, she will be facing being on her own (with or without kids.) I've seen this happen also lol. First wife wouldn't have it, left, destroyed the family. It was very difficult on the children, they were in the beginning of their youth, just imagine. As for her, she was left all alone, as the kids couldn't even stand how bitter she became so they moved in with dad. It was her choice to be alone, and if she wanted to ever remarry, it would probably have to be as a second wife, considering her age. The irony. Wouldn't it have been better for everyone involved if she tried to be more understanding instead of blowing up and TALAAQ! u_u

Polygamy should be introduced gently and with some wisdom, no woman is gonna like it if one day you come home and say "honey, guess what? ur sister wife is in the car waiting for you to let her in :D". Yeah uhm, that's not gonna fly and there will be lots of disharmony.I feel personally, as a woman, this is one of the main reasons women reject polygamy right off the bat, and I don't blame them. I also feel panic at the thought of being in a polygamous marriage because of the unfairness I've witnessed. Due to all the horror stories and men not doing things properly, women have become less flexible to the concept of polygamy, that's what I think anyway. I've seen it, I've heard it and have yet to hear of one polygamous marriage gone right.

It takes two hands to clap. It takes two to tango.

This is just my opinion. Everyone has one of those so, take it as you wish. :)

- cOsMiC

[May Ayob]

Does anyone have any experience of this from the child's point of view? I ask because children tend to be very jealous of their parent's affection.

I'm from a large family myself and I know that all of us at various times were convinced our parents favoured one child or another (even though in truth they could not have been more even-handed in the way they brought us up). Also, in my case, my father worked extremely hard and although the family was his priority, there are only so many hours in the day.

This jealousy problem must surely be even harder to avoid in a situation where there are also other half brothers and sisters.

I'm not from a large family, but my grandmother was and her father married another woman I guess it depends, from her experience she said it was fine with her and she grew on them ( her father's wife and half siblings) but I think she might be a rare exception because she told me that her step mom was a very kind and loving woman so maybe that's why? I don't know I also think she had problems with her own mom. But I would imagine for it too be very hard for the kids to get along, because each one wants to prove that their father loves each one's own mother more than the other, and between them too for him to provide enough time,care, and attention evenly without there being a family delimna over who's the fathers' favorite child. Doesn't that also happen to children whose parents are divorced or weren't even married in first place?. But then again I'm not too sure, just thought I'd share my opinion.

[Qurratul Ayn]

:salamext:

I say what I said because I also have experience being engaged to someone who did not pray or know more about the deen. He had a westernized mentality with some issues. It actually started affecting my iman because I wanted to fit into his lifestyle more. It sounds so crazy when i think of it now, but that's what happened. Alhemdulilah it didn't work out with him and it was by Allah's decree alhemdulilah. Allah blessed me with someone a million times better and I can't think of ever going back to that same mindset where I would accept the possibility of someone changing later on over just marrying someone who is religious from the beginning.

:alhamd: it all worked out for the best :) and now you're happy with the one :Allah: has placed in your life. Of course, each and every one of us is unique and different with how they handle life and how our minds react to situations :)

I mean I honestly liked the idea of marrying someone who I'd be able to change and help, who can lean on me, etc. but if you are not strong, that person may start changing you for the worse instead, or you could be wasting your time and life struggling to become better on your own verses doing it when you have a good support system by your side. Love may keep me with someone who is not religious, but my heart would not be fully at rest knowing that I am in love with a person who's not good for my iman.

That's exactly the fear I had before my beloved Husband became a better Muslim, I could have given it all up. But were it not for the upbringing I had, the support that my family gave me and most importantly, the love and mercy of :Allah: :swt: then I would have indeed failed. But now, my beloved Husband is always trying to please :Allah: :swt: and is by my side forevermore :ia: :D

May Allah bless you for being more mature and stronger than most women. Alhemdulilah that Allah has rewarded your patience with a more pious husband, you are a such an amazing, beautiful, and wonderful wife for not giving up on someone you almost lost hope on mashallah <3 I feel Allah was testing you with a test and you passed it alhemdulilah, but many women are not as lucky as having their husbands change for the better and it's in Allah's definite wisdom for that reason.

:jz: for your kind, touching and loving words. Love ya lots! :wub: With :Allah: :swt: always helping me and giving me the strength and courage that I needed, I knew I could not fail, there were, of course, times when I had lost hope, and thought what is the point? But then I kept on making Du'a and thinking of a life that my Husband & I can have, also I'm a firm believer in marrying once and staying with that person for the rest of your life. Unless of course one or the other passes away and then marrying again can be applied, to stay away from sin etc.

I know, Sister *charisma*, many sisters aren't as fortunate, and it may take years and years for their test to prevail or not prevail and as you say, it is definitely in :Allah:'s wisdom and whatever :Allah: does, it is always done for the best. We may never know the reasons then or later in life or never at all but it is always, always, always for the best (I've made myself clear, right? :D)

And all the sisters who've :Allah: blessed with pious husbands and the ones who are trying to become better Muslims, we should always, always, always be grateful to :Allah: for making our marriages work and for giving us the strength to make it work so.

Marriage itself is a blessing from Allah, so whoever we end up with is by Allah's decree, and if we do everything correctly in regards to getting married (praying istikhara, making sincere dua that allah bless us with a person good for our iman) then Allah knows what we do not about the way this person will affect us in the end whether their iman is good or not. (:

Absolutely true :D, ya said it all, me lovely

Stay true to :Allah: and keep making Du'a

:salamext:

[Qurratul Ayn]

:salamext:

WHO on this entire thread is married or has every been married? those are the only folks who should be speaking out, because even a sister (this thread began as a question for sisters) with the best of intentions doesn't know what she's talking about until she has been married for a while, that's the truth. I get tired of seeing hypothetical scenarios.People who have been married understand that it is difficult enough to make ONE MARRIAGE work, let alone multiple ones.

Well, they'll learn soon enough won't they? :ia: :D

I was married for 6 years. Unfortunately it ended in divorce and now a child suffers for it. Yes everything happens for a reason, and I have grown tons after my divorce Alhamdullilah, and it is probably why I'm comfortable with polygamy(I never said it would be easy for me, it would probably be extremely painful at first), after having to provide for myself and my child and going through some very hard times, I would not wish this upon any sister.

*BIG HUG* I love ya, my Sister! :alhamd: that you've learnt a lot and as you clearly, definitely know whatever :Allah: has planned for us, it always for the best. Always. You are one brave, courageous, strong and amazing sister! Not to mention a pretty, cool and wonderful mother? I'm right, aren't I? Of course I am! :D You're my 2nd heroine (after Sister *charisma*, no hard feelings, eh? :D :wub:)

If polygamy comes up in your marriage, take a deep look within and put yourself in widow or divorcee's shoes. What if you end up there one day and some selfish sister "forbade" her husband from taking on another wife and u end up alone for the rest of your life with no one to give you some love and attention and put a roof over your head, would you like that for yourself? Again I repeat, nobody said it would be a walk in the park, but Allah made you a woman, and he will not put more on your shoulders than you can bare. Let your heart, not your corrupted naffs lead you. What about wanting for our sisters what we want for ourselves? If you had to walk those shoes, wouldn't you want a good husband to take care of you?

Marriage? Walk in the park? Y'all need to wake up if any of y'all think like that as it will be most definitely be the bumpiest, lowest, highest, fastest, slowest, prolonged rollercoaster ride of one's life! (I think so anyway) There will most definitely be, without a doubt, many ups and downs. Many ups and downs.

For many, that is easily said, than done, unfortunately, Sister cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn. Too few would ever look at it from the other's perspective, but if any sisters anywhere in the world should find themselves in this situation then :ia: they will think, find the courage within themselves and may their heart lead them to the right choice.

ETA: I don't intend to guilt any of my sisters. I do apologize if I come off high and mighty. It isn't my intention. What I say to you I am saying to myself also. I'd be a big liar to say that polygamy is my favorite subject and it's the best thing right after sliced bread . It isn't an easy subject, and definitely not my favorite. My experiences have forced me to reflect and rethink all of this, not only that, but also as I learn my deen more, things like this become easier to understand, accept and talk about. 5 years ago I wouldn't even imagine saying some of the things I do. Anyway, all I'm saying is, don't be so quick to dismiss the idea.

You've helped me understand a lot. For me, anecdotal experiences are important especially for marriage. One can learn a lot from reading, sharing experiences of marriage, and it gives an insight and better understanding as every marriage is unique and different

Throw tomatoes at me, I don't care.

Thanks, but no thanks. I'd rather put them in a salad. Much better use for it.

[GuestFellow]

Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?

I hope my wife allows that. =)

From my experience, most women dislike sharing husbands. I think this is due to cultural reasons.

[ardianto]

most women dislike sharing husbands.

Depend on position of these women.

Basically women do not mind to marry a man who already has wife/wives if they very like this man. They can tolerate sharing husband situation because they have prepare their hearts to face this situation.

However, it's very hard for a wife to face situation that suddenly another woman comes to her life as new wife of her husband.

[Ali_008]

Word from the Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah al-Haydari regarding the wife who refrains the husband from taking a second wife:

My wife and i have discused me having a second wife and she sayes that if i do then she would devorse me.we did not get married by the kafirs but we do have a islamic contract. and there was no agreement on that contract forbiding me from taking a second wife.so my question is .Is it permisable for her to deny me this?And is'nt she making the hallal harram on me. my wife is a good muslimah (I.S.A.) and she would respect a answer whith proof. jazallahkum ma lakair

Praise be to Allaah.

If a man is able to marry a second wife, physically and financially, and he can treat both wives in a just manner, and he wants to take a second wife, then he is allowed to do so according to Islam. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“… then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four…” [al-Nisaa’ 4:3]

And this was the practice of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and of his Companions (may Allaah be pleased with them), but apart from the Prophet, no one is permitted to have more than four wives.

It is well known that women are by nature jealous and reluctant to share their husband with other women. Women are not to be condemned for this jealousy, for it existed in the best of righteous women, the Sahaabiyyaat, and even in the Mothers of the Believers [the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)]. But women should not let jealousy make them object to that which Allaah has prescribed, and they should not try to prevent it; a wife should allow her husband to marry another woman for this is a kind of cooperating in righteousness and piety. According to a hadeeth whose authenticity is agreed upon, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever pays attention to his brother’s needs, Allaah will pay attention to his needs.”

The first wife’s consent is not a prerequisite for a man to take another wife. The Standing Committee for Issuing Fatwas was asked about this and replied as follows:

“It is not obligatory for the husband, if he wants to take a second wife, to have the consent of his first wife, but it is good manners and kindness to deal with her in such a manner that will reduce the hurt which women naturally feel in such situations. This is done by being kind to her and speaking to her in a gentle and pleasant manner, and by spending whatever money may be necessary in order to gain her acceptance of the situation.”

Concerning her request for divorce if her husband wants to marry another wife, this is a mistake. But they should examine the situation, and if she really cannot cope with living with another wife, then she can ask him for khula’ [ a kind of divorce instigated by the wife, whereby she forgoes the mahr]. If she can cope with living with the second wife, but it hurts her to do so, then she should be patient and seek the pleasure of Allaah. Thawbaan (may Allaah be pleased with him) narrated that the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

“No woman asks her husband for a divorce for no reason, but the fragrance of Paradise is forbidden for her.” (Narrated by Abu Dawood and others, and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani, may Allaah have mercy on him).

If she bears it with patience, then Allaah will make it easier for her and will expand her chest (i.e., grant her peace and calm), and will compensate her with something good. The husband must also help her by treating her kindly, being patient with her for any jealousy etc. on her part, and overlooking her mistakes. And Allaah is the source of help.

Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah al-Haydari.

Source

[Mustafa2012]

:salamext:

:jz:

That is a very interesting article akhee.

Jealousy between wives can sometimes be waswaas from shaytaan to keep families apart.

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

I am finding it weird that nobody's is mentioning anything about the guy's ordeal in all this. Come on, multiple wives doesn't just mean multiple sex partners, it also means multiple responsibilities. 90% of the world population would say that they are unhappy, and the burden of responsibilities is thrusting them into the ground. Most people generally handle just one household, and claim to be dealing with the most difficult situations everyday. Think about a pious Muslim with multiple wives, that guy has twice or thrice or even four times the trouble which you're facing. He has to apply for four credit cards, and pay for them as well. He has to look after four different sets of kids. He has to make sure that four different women in all shapes and forms are content and satisfied on a daily basis. He is the shepherd of 4 different herds. The questions you'll be asked on the day of judgment just once, he'll be asked those question 4 times. He can't even think of a life without his watch and organizer.


I had once read the interview of two co-wives from Australia. Even they admitted that the one who has the most difficult time in their arrangement is the husband who has twice the trouble that regular husbands have.

There's isn't alot to be added to this really, perhaps it isn't really being adressed because the natur eof the thread is questioning the sisters. Your reply is spot on and something all men must consider before jumping into polygamy. Remember that brother I spoke of briefly, the one who left his house. This was why, he is finding it extremely difficult to manage two sets of everything. If he gets something for one wife the other must have the same or all hell breaks loose (first wife is not very cooperative). He gets questioned twice as much as far as his whereabouts, he gets twice as many complaints, he has to be sure his time is split equally and that usually means no "me" time for him or there will be issues. I can go on... I'm only sharing this info to give some insight on the real polygamy.

If polygamy is to be attempted, both the first wife and the husband must be very pius people to make this work, otherwise everyone's naffs will wreak havoc. Selfish people cannot be involved in polygamy. end of. :D

Depend on position of these women.


Basically women do not mind to marry a man who already has wife/wives if they very like this man. They can tolerate sharing husband situation because they have prepare their hearts to face this situation.


However, it's very hard for a wife to face situation that suddenly another woman comes to her life as new wife of her husband.

This is so true. It is most difficult for the first wife I would say, however they both have their struggles. In most cases, 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives come in knowing they will be sharing so their hearts are already at rest, but that doesn't make it any easier.

It's similar to the first born child having to learn how to share his/her parents. The eldest almost always ends up having some kind of authority and preference. It's no different with the firts wives (whom in most cases have the husband's heart, not always). As I mentioned earlier, Khadijah (ra) evenafter her death, had the prophet's (S.a.w) heart and it made the other wives jelous. I strongly feel that, if the first wife makes this realization, and she has beena good wife (that is key here) she shouldn't worry so much,she shoudl be reassured that his love for her won't change even if another wife comes in the picture. The first wife is the one who supported the husband in the low times and built up with him, to where now he can afford a second wife, so why would that position be taken from her? That is usually one of the first wive's biggest fears ie: "I struggeld so much with my husband, went without XYZ, got him through school and built all of this, only to have some woman come take it?" "now that my figure is bad, I bore him X amount of children, he wants somebody else and he is going to forget about us" the list goes on. The test for the first wife would be learning how to share and work as a unit with the other wife/wives. She will have to learn to break her naffs, and that is actually in her benefit if she cares about the akhira. She can make the best of what she has or destroy it. For the other wife/wives, they have to learn to deal with the fact that in the matters of the heart a person cannot be fair, she has to learn to accept this and the first wife must keep this in mind, because it will be difficult for the 2nd wife and instead of treating her with animosity and as an enemy, they should just comfort each other. Such is life, it isn't easy. Just make the best of what comes your way. We can choose to see life as a glass half empty or half full.

Anyway,It all goes back to the intention and reason for the 2nd+ marriage. Every situation is different. I can probably write a book lol, so I'll stop here.

- cOsMic

[Qurratul Ayn]

The first wife is the one who supported the husband in the low times and built up with him, to where now he can afford a second wife, so why would that position be taken from her?

Are you a mind reader??? :skeleton: :wub: to you, my sister


I'm clarifying the reason to the question I posed to my dear, sweetie Sister cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn as some members may have misconstrued the question

That was one of the many fears I was plagued with when I discussed with my beloved Husband (him having a potential second marriage) As some of y'all may have read my earlier posts, this statement would make sense to y'all.

THAT is why I posed the rhetorical question to my beloved Sister cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn! All cleared up now, :ia:

[Ali_008]

This was why, he is finding it extremely difficult to manage two sets of everything. If he gets something for one wife the other must have the same or all hell breaks loose (first wife is not very cooperative). He gets questioned twice as much as far as his whereabouts, he gets twice as many complaints, he has to be sure his time is split equally and that usually means no "me" time for him or there will be issues.

Yep. He can make time for himself only when he's in his parents house. He can have his "me" time with only those people who will let him be a kid regardless of his age. Accommodate parents separately so that you can your "me" time. :coolious:

If polygamy is to be attempted, both the first wife and the husband must be very pius people to make this work, otherwise everyone's naffs will wreak havoc. Selfish people cannot be involved in polygamy. end of.

The husband needs lots of piety because he'll need many qualities to be invested in the scenario such as patience, time management, anger management, resources management, crisis management, and on and on.

I strongly feel that, if the first wife makes this realization, and she has beena good wife (that is key here) she shouldn't worry so much,she shoudl be reassured that his love for her won't change even if another wife comes in the picture. The first wife is the one who supported the husband in the low times and built up with him, to where now he can afford a second wife, so why would that position be taken from her? That is usually one of the first wive's biggest fears ie: "I struggeld so much with my husband, went without XYZ, got him through school and built all of this, only to have some woman come take it?" "now that my figure is bad, I bore him X amount of children, he wants somebody else and he is going to forget about us" the list goes on. The test for the first wife would be learning how to share and work as a unit with the other wife/wives. She will have to learn to break her naffs, and that is actually in her benefit if she cares about the akhira. She can make the best of what she has or destroy it.

I will always respect my wife for this, because she did bear all the difficulties we've faced so far with so much maturity. If I ever take any more wives in the future, my first wife will be the benchmark for all of them. They have to be prove to be at least as good as her, if not better. The preference to first wife in terms of respect and endearment can't be helped. It is something which the other wives just have to cope with.

The first wife shouldn't be worried about these things, because if the husband is a noble man then he will always be grateful to her for all of it, and also be more considerate towards her because he knows that the arrangement just can't be easy for her.

[cottonrainbow]

The only time I've ever seen polygamy work well is when the man is really rich and can afford to treat each wife fairly. The wives actually get along well and have a strong sisterhood or they live seperately and don't have to bother with each other. I say only take on what you can afford.

No reasonable sister wants to marry a broke guy who keeps bringing more mouths to feed into the house-- for what? To bicker over table scraps? Nah, I'll be single if that's what it boils down to.
:shade:

[Muslimlearner]

I would. And would offer him Khul' right after that for sure.
Polygamy is not for everyone and most polygamist are losers.
I don't want to be buried and resurrected near polygamist, audhubillah.
Polygamy is not an issue of Emaan, is selfishness in most cases.

The interesting point here is that brothers are measuring the love of their wife by this question ''Can I take second wife''? I've seen that a lot.

The masculine ego is really funny.

[jameelash]

poly gamy is allowed in islam .so we can never discuss against it.and in quran it is clearly said one take up to 4 provided he treat them equally.the question is can they.he has to share days equally,money equally etc.a thing much of the men cannot andfurther quran says if they fear theycannot they,ll have to be satisfied with one.in these days i doubt highly wether men can treat them equally unless their iman is high.

[cottonrainbow]

^o) Polygamy :nervous:

[Insaanah]

:sl:

most polygamist are losers.

Do you know most polygamists?

I don't want to be buried and resurrected near polygamist, audhubillah.

That's unfortunate. I'd give anything to be buried and resurrected next to the Prophet :saws:.

And there may be many other polygamists who are better than us in respect of their deen.

And Allah knows best and may we die and be resurrected among the righteous, ameen.

[Ali_008]

:sl:



Do you know most polygamists?



That's unfortunate. I'd give anything to be buried and resurrected next to the Prophet :saws:.

And there may be many other polygamists who are better than us in respect of their deen.

And Allah knows best and may we die and be resurrected among the righteous, ameen.

SubhanAllah sister. I was going to say the EXACT same thing. The best of men of our ummah were polygynists.

For all the people who are replying for the first time in this thread, I request that you go through the other replies beforehand because this topic has been discussed extensively. The exchange has been highly educational, to say the least. It also has questioned the generalized opinion held of this topic.

[IslamicRevival]

Question is flawed as Allah Subhana Wata'ala has allowed polygamy thus theres no reason for any Muslim to object to it.

I do feel Muslims of TODAY have lost the true meaning of Polygamy but on the whole its a noble deed if done with the right intention as there are Widows and children out there who need food on the table, and to care and provide for them surely carries immense rewards Inshaa Allah.

['Abd-al Latif]

I would. And would offer him Khul' right after that for sure.
Polygamy is not for everyone and most polygamist are losers.
I don't want to be buried and resurrected near polygamist, audhubillah.
Polygamy is not an issue of Emaan, is selfishness in most cases.

The interesting point here is that brothers are measuring the love of their wife by this question ''Can I take second wife''? I've seen that a lot.

The masculine ego is really funny.

And you're saying this as a married woman who has had a co-wife at least once? Allah, the One who is free from all desire, has permitted this for the men because it is better for men and women. Are you now going to say that most men who are trying to fulfil a sunnah are just chasing lust and satisfying their "masculine ego"? If a bad response to this isn't a reflection of one's emaan then what is it?

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

Interesting article posted today on WebbCounselors over at SuhaibWebb.com. The point that struck out to me was,

Bear in mind also the legalities of such an arrangement in countries that do not allow for polygamy. Are you comfortable being married to a man who could potentially be breaking the law? And how can you ensure that your individual rights and the rights of your future family will be preserved in a polygamous marriage?

http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/marriage-family/beforemarriage/polygamous-marriage/

This is really important, that in most places where we live, the legal system does not allow for more than one wife. How ethical is it, as a Muslim, to break the law? It's not ethical and we need to realize that even though it's allowed in Islam, if we're living in a land that doesn't allow it, it's upon us to follow the law of the land where we live. This point, I think is sufficient to make this discussion irrelevant for the majority of people here.

[islamica]

Interesting article posted today on WebbCounselors over at SuhaibWebb.com. The point that struck out to me was,

Bear in mind also the legalities of such an arrangement in countries that do not allow for polygamy. Are you comfortable being married to a man who could potentially be breaking the law? And how can you ensure that your individual rights and the rights of your future family will be preserved in a polygamous marriage?

http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/marriage-family/beforemarriage/polygamous-marriage/

This is really important, that in most places where we live, the legal system does not allow for more than one wife. How ethical is it, as a Muslim, to break the law? It's not ethical and we need to realize that even though it's allowed in Islam, if we're living in a land that doesn't allow it, it's upon us to follow the law of the land where we live. This point, I think is sufficient to make this discussion irrelevant for the majority of people here.

I would not trust suahib webb as i would not trust hamza yusuf. They are sufi and such a deviant sect has no place in Islam, nor should we take knowledge from such deviant sects. You're aqeedah and akhira is on the line here.

Suhaib Webb admits he is a Sufi/Ashari at the 57 mark;

http://youtu.be/M6cy8LjxHZU

http://youtu.be/dNo2ZWwZwl0

Different aqeedah.

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/10693/ash'ari
http://www.asharis.com/creed/

[ardianto]

The problem with polygamy is not polygamy itself, that permissible. But the men who commit polygamy. There are many wives and their children who neglected, they must struggle hard to live because their husband do not fulflil their needs but fulfill other wives needs. Should those neglected wives ask divorce?. This is what their husbands want.

But, those neglected wives do not want to ask divorce. They just want their husbands can be fair. Something that cannot be done by their husbands.

Mostly of polygamy in Indonesia are polygamy like this. Only small number that committed in accordance with sunnah.

Bro, sis, please notice this reality.

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

LOL. Thanks man, but this isnt the 90s.

I would not trust suahib webb as i would not trust hamza yusuf. They are sufi and such a deviant sect has no place in Islam, nor should we take knowledge from such deviant sects. You're aqeedah and akhira is on the line here.

Suhaib Webb admits he is a Sufi/Ashari at the 57 mark;

http://youtu.be/M6cy8LjxHZU

http://youtu.be/dNo2ZWwZwl0

Different aqeedah.

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/10693/ash'ari
http://www.asharis.com/creed/

[cottonrainbow]

Polygamy is very tough to discuss and very personal. No one person is right or wrong here.
Polygamy hits very close to home for me and it's really annoying. Watching polygamy play out in most people's lives I know is like watching a hurricane destroy a small town. I can agree to polygamy if it was performed the way the Prophet SAW handled it, but most men are not that devoted and pious.

My hubby is from a polygamous family and most of his brothers have multiple wives. These guys cannot afford to care for one family, much less two or three wives and a bunch of children! The wives are neglected most of the time. When the wives and children get sick, they call my husband asking for money to help pay for medical costs and sometimes food. It's really ridiculous!

I also know a few families here in America where the husband exercised his rights to have four wives, and yes he took all four wives-- although he doesn't have a job to suppport any of them. Each wife lives in the projects or with their parents and struggle with the children. These women work (some of them work) or they live off of welfare and government assistance. Yes, he sees the children and divides his time amongst his wives, but he cannot provide any financial support for any of them. The Wives and Children suffer.

One of my hubby's friends has two wives here and they all live together in one big house. He is a business owner and can support his family, but why does he complain almost every day about how he sometimes hates to go home because the wives bicker and nitpick about everything?

When I asked my nephew-in-law about polygamy, he said that he doesn't like it because his mother was a first wife and still lives apart from her husband, while he is here in America. He was upset when his dad took a second wife and immediately got her pregnant. He brought her to the house and left her to be "company" for the first wife while husband went back to America. Now, the guy has a health ailment and he must decide which wife to bring over to America to live with him. The other will have to stay in the other country with the remaining children.


What would Allah SWT think about this?

[Perseveranze]

Polygamy is very tough to discuss and very personal. No one person is right or wrong here.
Polygamy hits very close to home for me and it's really annoying. Watching polygamy play out in most people's lives I know is like watching a hurricane destroy a small town. I can agree to polygamy if it was performed the way the Prophet SAW handled it, but most men are not that devoted and pious.

My hubby is from a polygamous family and most of his brothers have multiple wives. These guys cannot afford to care for one family, much less two or three wives and a bunch of children! The wives are neglected most of the time. When the wives and children get sick, they call my husband asking for money to help pay for medical costs and sometimes food. It's really ridiculous!

I also know a few families here in America where the husband exercised his rights to have four wives, and yes he took all four wives-- although he doesn't have a job to suppport any of them. Each wife lives in the projects or with their parents and struggle with the children. These women work (some of them work) or they live off of welfare and government assistance. Yes, he sees the children and divides his time amongst his wives, but he cannot provide any financial support for any of them. The Wives and Children suffer.

One of my hubby's friends has two wives here and they all live together in one big house. He is a business owner and can support his family, but why does he complain almost every day about how he sometimes hates to go home because the wives bicker and nitpick about everything?

When I asked my nephew-in-law about polygamy, he said that he doesn't like it because his mother was a first wife and still lives apart from her husband, while he is here in America. He was upset when his dad took a second wife and immediately got her pregnant. He brought her to the house and left her to be "company" for the first wife while husband went back to America. Now, the guy has a health ailment and he must decide which wife to bring over to America to live with him. The other will have to stay in the other country with the remaining children.


What would Allah SWT think about this?

Asalaamu Alaikum,

I think the point is that you shouldn't generalise. Someone could say the same thing as you did, they have experienced a lot of hate from Muslims, and thus think Islam is bad or all Muslims are bad - just based on their own perceptions, rather than looking at things from a proper scope. Not all "Polygamists" are like that, some of them are much better than most "monogamists" could ever be. In fact, the best of people was a polygamist, the Prophet(saw).

Fair enough if you have a preference (which I completely understand), but please, think twice before hating on something that is a Sunnah for those that can handle it.

[IslamicRevival]

I would not trust suahib webb as i would not trust hamza yusuf. They are sufi and such a deviant sect has no place in Islam, nor should we take knowledge from such deviant sects. You're aqeedah and akhira is on the line here.

Suhaib Webb admits he is a Sufi/Ashari at the 57 mark;

http://youtu.be/M6cy8LjxHZU

http://youtu.be/dNo2ZWwZwl0

Different aqeedah.

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/10693/ash'ari
http://www.asharis.com/creed/

Deviants? No place in Islam? How on earth can you say that when some of the greatest Imams of the past were Sufi's? You warn others of Akhirah and Aqeeda but at the same time openly slander Millions of Muslims and disrespect two well respected Scholars by labelling them deviants?

[islamica]

Deviants? No place in Islam? How on earth can you say that when some of the greatest Imams of the past were Sufi's? You warn others of Akhirah and Aqeeda but at the same time openly slander Millions of Muslims and disrespect two well respected Scholars by labelling them deviants?

Your well respected "scholars" are sufi and deviant. Shai scholars are well respected as well. It doesn't make it right to follow them.

And please educate yourself on sufism before going any further.

Sufi tareeqahs and the ruling on joining them .
http://islamqa.com/en/ref/4983

Question about a strange Sufi way of worship
http://islamqa.com/en/ref/11938

What is a Sufi and What is Sufism?
http://www.allaahuakbar.net/sufism/w...t_is_sufis.htm

[Ali_008]

Interesting article posted today on WebbCounselors over at SuhaibWebb.com. The point that struck out to me was,
Bear in mind also the legalities of such an arrangement in countries that do not allow for polygamy. Are you comfortable being married to a man who could potentially be breaking the law? And how can you ensure that your individual rights and the rights of your future family will be preserved in a polygamous marriage?

http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationsh...mous-marriage/
This is really important, that in most places where we live, the legal system does not allow for more than one wife. How ethical is it, as a Muslim, to break the law? It's not ethical and we need to realize that even though it's allowed in Islam, if we're living in a land that doesn't allow it, it's upon us to follow the law of the land where we live. This point, I think is sufficient to make this discussion irrelevant for the majority of people here.

Allahu Alam as to how updated Wikipedia is with regards to this information, but among the English speaking nations only Canada, Caribbean, and United States do not recognize polygamy. UK, Australia, and New Zealand recognize polygamous marriages that took place at locations where they are legal. Although it isn't the right practice, people with multiple wives do live in US, Canada, and Caribbean anyway.

Legal status of Polygamy - Wikipedia

There are exceptional cases as well like India, Sri Lanka, and Singapore where polygamy is illegal except for Muslims. :D

I would not trust suahib webb as i would not trust hamza yusuf. They are sufi and such a deviant sect has no place in Islam, nor should we take knowledge from such deviant sects. You're aqeedah and akhira is on the line here.

As long as someone is spreading truth, it doesn't matter what aqeedah or faith they follow. They are just talking about the legality of the issue in various nations. Even if a non-Muslim had highlighted it, it would still have to be respected, because it is, indeed, highly significant to take the country's legislature into consideration before committing anything.

Polygamy is very tough to discuss and very personal. No one person is right or wrong here.
Polygamy hits very close to home for me and it's really annoying. Watching polygamy play out in most people's lives I know is like watching a hurricane destroy a small town. I can agree to polygamy if it was performed the way the Prophet SAW handled it, but most men are not that devoted and pious.

My hubby is from a polygamous family and most of his brothers have multiple wives. These guys cannot afford to care for one family, much less two or three wives and a bunch of children! The wives are neglected most of the time. When the wives and children get sick, they call my husband asking for money to help pay for medical costs and sometimes food. It's really ridiculous!

I have been stressing this point from the beginning of this thread that multiple wives should be only considered by those people who are wealthy enough to maintain multiple households. I had also given the example of Saudi Arabia in my earlier posts that the polygamy system there is much more logical, because it is believed that if a man is really wealthy over there then he must have multiple wives. It is more of a status symbol thing than an obligation in that culture.

I would. And would offer him Khul' right after that for sure.
Polygamy is not for everyone and most polygamist are losers.
I don't want to be buried and resurrected near polygamist, audhubillah.
Polygamy is not an issue of Emaan, is selfishness in most cases.

The interesting point here is that brothers are measuring the love of their wife by this question ''Can I take second wife''? I've seen that a lot.

The masculine ego is really funny.

Please refrain from using generalized statements all the time especially when it includes our beloved Prophet :saws: and the first four Caliphs of Islam. RadhiAllahu Anhum

A man asked the Prophet about the Hour (i.e. Day of Judgment) saying, "When will the Hour be?" The Prophet said, "What have you prepared for it?" The man said, "Nothing, except that I love Allah and His Apostle." The Prophet said, "You will be with those whom you love." We had never been so glad as we were on hearing that saying of the Prophet (i.e., "You will be with those whom you love.") Therefore, I love the Prophet, Abu Bakr and 'Umar, and I hope that I will be with them beCause of my love for them though my deeds are not similar to theirs.

(Narrated by Anas - al-Buhkhari 5.37)

[Muslimlearner]

I had also given the example of Saudi Arabia in my earlier posts that the polygamy system there is much more logical, because it is believed that if a man is really wealthy over there then he must have multiple wives. It is more of a status symbol thing than an obligation in that culture.

I don't agree with that. I have been in the Middle East for a very long time and I know how people talk of polygamy. In fact those with one wife have higher respect in the society and our shaykhs (rulers) are often given as examples of humbleness and good morals.
Marriage to a second is not that easy for an Arab, the families are involved, often they are close relatives and that brings lots of criticism and pressure to the future polygamist.
In Shari'ah is allowed the father of the bride to offer some money to the groom and make sure he will not get second wife and hurt his daughter. Well, nowadays families share business and for this and many other reasons man prefer to keep the second marriage a secret. This of course means the second wife will not get even close of getting her rights given by Allah.
That's why I said most polygamist are losers, and I know many and I heard stories. Lots of sisters ended up divorced and are single mothers now as result of such '' trials'' to have more then one.
And not the wealthy, but the Islamic teachers, preachers and scholars are those who do that often, from what I have seen here. The reverts are easy target, hopping for a perfect islamic marriage life, ending up divorced soon after the secret nikah .. Allahulmustaan.

[Alpha Dude]

Interesting article posted today on WebbCounselors over at SuhaibWebb.com. The point that struck out to me was,

Bear in mind also the legalities of such an arrangement in countries that do not allow for polygamy. Are you comfortable being married to a man who could potentially be breaking the law? And how can you ensure that your individual rights and the rights of your future family will be preserved in a polygamous marriage?

http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/marriage-family/beforemarriage/polygamous-marriage/

This is really important, that in most places where we live, the legal system does not allow for more than one wife. How ethical is it, as a Muslim, to break the law? It's not ethical and we need to realize that even though it's allowed in Islam, if we're living in a land that doesn't allow it, it's upon us to follow the law of the land where we live. This point, I think is sufficient to make this discussion irrelevant for the majority of people here.

That's a good point and I agree with it. Though, I don't think it can really prevent polygamy in the UK for a Muslim because the process of nikah is not recognised by law. If a man and a woman decide to do nikah and live together without getting their union recognised by law, it's no different (in terms of law) to a man and woman living together as girlfriend/boyfriend. A man in a relationship with multiple girlfriends in the UK, where all concerned are happy with the arrangement, would not be breaking any law (to my knowledge) and that example can be applied to a man who has done nikah with more than one person. Not saying it's a wise thing to do but just saying it's possible to do it without breaking any law.

[Tyrion]

I would not trust suahib webb as i would not trust hamza yusuf. They are sufi and such a deviant sect has no place in Islam, nor should we take knowledge from such deviant sects. You're aqeedah and akhira is on the line here.

Suhaib Webb admits he is a Sufi/Ashari at the 57 mark;

http://youtu.be/M6cy8LjxHZU

http://youtu.be/dNo2ZWwZwl0

Different aqeedah.

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/10693/ash'ari
http://www.asharis.com/creed/

:uuh:

*backs away quietly*

['Abd-al Latif]

:salamext:

Pretty much what needed to be said has been said. My advice to all: study this topic in great detail, get married and then discuss this issue with your spouse. The unmarried brothers and sisters should think about just getting that one spouse first. Once you do get married you will be in a position to apply the theoretical knowledge.

Those who are married (or have been at least once) have proven my point. For those who are not or have not been married before can be given advice all day long, they can swim in the sea of knowledge but still come out pretty dry. And the last few posts have proven this point.

:threadclo