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anonymous
04-01-2013, 05:16 PM
Al salam 3aleikoum,
I have been through many hard times in my life which have allowed me to be .. not cold hearted, however, just very aware of people and not be so naive. Unfortunately, with this comes a sort of depression against people. I have a lot of trouble trusting people, and I have a lot of trouble tolerating people. A lot of friends, and some family members, have put me through a lot that I can not tolerate them. I can not stand any of them, and I feel terrible because it goes against Islamic laws. I try to be nice to them, but they always put me down... For a random small example, at school, I will help a lot of girls in my classes, and when I ask for help, they never return it. I stopped helping them because if they are not helping me I don't think it's fair, but then I feel so bad because I know the Prophet (pbuh) would help them regardless. I don't have the patience to deal with them anymore, and I always cry because it's not fair how much I have to go through, while they all get away. Please, any duas to give me the strength? Or anything I can do or should do to be more patient?
JazakAllah kheiran
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anonymous
04-01-2013, 08:15 PM
Salaam alaikum sister :)



This is life; sometimes it's hard not to resent people who hurt you in return of your niceness. They say that hurt people hurt people. Well I for one never believed that statement. I always thought that people who say this are trying to make excuses so that others don't own up their responsibilty in causing harm to others. You know, everyone in this world has a fixed expectation that if you did good to someone and was really nice to them then they also have to return that kindness. It's common sense yet it's far from being realistic, because there will always be people who can't distinguish right from worng. Or they feel entitled to being treated well from everyone without them inturn having to be as mutually kind. There will always be people who take advantage of others. There will always be people who belittle the good you do to them. It's a fact of life. When we depend too much on other people's feedback and their return of good we will be disapointed. Always hope for the best and expect the worst my sister. You want to become a better muslim but you feel inadequate because you feel that you're isolating yourself from people and painting them with the same brush. I understand, and what is important to know is that we must not consequently build an assumption on the next person we haven't interacted with because of the former experiences.

 

We should also follow the Prophet PBUH as our example. He was always tormented and persecuted by people even as a child but he stood firm in his beleifs and followed what Allah commanded him to do without other people's account. He had his face spat on , his neck stepped on , his jaw broken and he bled numerous times. People called him all kinds of names and spread slanderous rumors about him but he remained patient and didn't retreat in retaliation. It's natural when someone attacks us , treats us agressively or doesn't return what we wanted them to as kindness. We feel threatened and it becomes a personal attack to our personal egos, we try our hardest to protect our egos with all sorts of defensive mechanisms and we start thinking: 'it's not fair I bet they wouldn't like it if I did the same to them. You know what why should I even bother I wont help them nor care about them anymore'. And then we feel guilty and less whole because we feel we sacrificed a precious part of us just to prove to others that we don't want that treatment anymore. It's a slippery slope at first you may feel that a huge burden has been taken off your shoulders but then you unconsciously start becoming the same person you didn't like in them. Why does that happen?. Because we've focused so much on the negative things people do to us in person or to other people around us that it's occupied all the space left for our spiritual growth. When we return the evil done to us with evil or indifference we immendiately stand on the same footing on those whom hurt us. This is why it is important to do things solely for the sake of Allah. I know sometime or even manytimes we believe being kind to us someone will earn us a new friend or reliable acquintace but it's not always the case. Sometime people interpret your good behavior as deceit or driven by hidden ulterior motives this is why they take a defensive form and decide not to be nice in return.

 

Only Allah can help you overcome this with patience, just be yourself don't force your self too be too kind so it's not hypocrisy nor be completely detached. Whenevr someone asks you for help then help them and Allah will reward you, if someone was mean to you don't panic or feel hurt or threatned they really don't know better otherwise why would they choose to conduct themselves in such an aggresive manner. If your classmates always do this to you be the kinder person and tolerate their behavior. If you need a friend turn to Allah noone can understand you as He can. Crying is part of the healing process. It's okay to cry whenever your emotions overwhelm you but just always try to keep your faith firm and say Alhamdiliah after that. Life is a test and trial the people in your life are also a test and trial from Allah what you forebear in life will give you a great reward and a positive outcome. Don't be sad I love you and I think you're a good person and I've never met you before. There are always going to be good people in this world and there are always going to be people who are grateful when you treat them kindly. My older sister met a lovely little nine year old girl at the gate of the Mosque last month. My sister hugged her and the girl started crying, You know what she said?. She said she has never met someone in her entire life that has been this kind to her and tears were flowing from her eyes. It was just a hug as anyone would say but some people never felt that they were ever genuinely loved by someone in their entire life.


 

Focus on pleasing Allah and He will make you happy and sufficient. Do everything for the sake of Allah and you will never regret it. Think about the Prophet and his companions and all the people suffering in this world. You never know the value of something untill you lose it sometimes just greeting someone on the street even if it's a starnger or helping them out even if you'll never meet them again can have a life lasting memory locked in their hearts. I said their hearts not heads on purpose. If you have the time you can join or volunteer in an elders residency home it's truly a humbling saddening and inspiring experience you'll meet wonderful wonderful people whom may appear to be very different from you because of the age difference but you'll soon realize that they have endured so much in their lives it's hard not put them in account. They can be your friends too , they provide excellent advice and they are really really wise:). Don't hesitate to help anyone in this life even if you think it's wont bring about any good. Good always begets good even if it shows up later. May Allah's Mercy be bestowed on you and your parents and your family and your classmates. And may He grant you I and everyone the strength and courage to carryon and become better muslims. Aameen.


To dispel the confusion I was a former member here known as May Ayob. I am sorry for the inconvenience caused by using Anonymous but your thread caught my attention you always help others so it's only fair to help you. :)


Wa'alaikum Alsalaam.
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Muslim Woman
04-02-2013, 11:33 AM
:sl:


make the good intention . When u do something , do it for the sake of Allah . Don't expect thanks or any return from human being .

In'sha Allah , it will help u to be patient .
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Abdul Fattah
04-07-2013, 08:33 PM
Aselam aleykum
It's difficult balancing between being nice and helpfull, and being naive and an easy target for parasites. Especially people who have a low self esteem, and sofness about them seem to "draw out" the worst in many people.
If that's you; some rules might help you:

- Implent a "3-strikes-rule"; if someone wrongs you; disrespects you three times in a row (even if it's something small like showing up late and not being apologetic about it), avoid that person and focus your good deeds on others. That's the thing with good deeds and being helpfull, there's always enough people around that can be helped, and there's nothing wrong with focusing on who you think need/deserves it the most.

- Switch places: Sometimes we tend to make excuses for other people. "He/she probably didn't mean it like that." "He/She has had a though yought." "He/She doesn't understand it." So if you're not sure if somebody went to far, think of a hypothetical situation where the roles would be changed. What if I had done what this person just did; how would I feel? How would I react? Once you implement this trick, you'll see other people from a whole diffrent p.o.v. and you'll start wondering why you've been so easy on others in the past.

- Decide on clear boundaries:There's nothing wrong with having boundaries. If somebody does something which you think crosses the line, even if it's small, you should tell this person. You don't have to make a big deal out of every little thing, Just let the person know: "I didn't appreciate that". Most people; when you fail to tell them your boundaries, will have a tendency to push further and further all the time.
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