I just can't love my mother

[anonymous]

:sl:

Fellow forum members

I'm completely aware of the high status that Islam has granted to the mother, but my mother is my mortal enemy. I live with her, and she is such a razor-tongued person that its been years since I was able to sit in her company for more than 30 mins. Sooner or later, she starts spewing all this unIslamic garbage thatI just can't sit there and listen to it all. If it became mandatory that one must only speak good, or otherwise remain silent, I think my mother would only be able to open her mouth once in a decade. She is filled with so much negativity, materialism, and what not. She is a typical aggressive mother-in-law as well. My wife and my sister-in-law have faced so much nonsense only and only because of my mom. Alhamdulillah, me and my brother are very happy in our marriages, neither of us have any complaints against our wives. Rather, any fights I've ever had with my wife have solely been over an issue revolving around my mother. I want to be a good Muslim, I've tried so hard to be able to be with my mother on honorable terms, but I just can't.

When I'm home, 95% of the time, I'm holed in my room, and I step out only to go out to the mosque for salaah. Believe me, its been years since my mom and I have had a full-fledged conversation over something, and that conversation not ending without either of us getting furious.

Before my marriage, she'd be back-biting about everything, and even groaning when the eids would be coming closer, because unlike other religions, our festivals involve a little labour in them. Ever since I've gotten married, my wife is her ultimate target.

I can't explain everything that is wrong, it'll take days, but I just don't have any sort of connection with her. We are two people with complete opposite tastes. Recently, I had gone for Umrah, and stayed over in Saudia for a month with my wife's relatives. I was able to live there comfortably and didn't miss my mom. My mom keeps trying to spread her bitterness to my father, and time to time, he keeps becoming unreasonable as well, but even he acknowledges the negativity she fosters with deep care. I know I love her, and will cry like a baby, and miss her if the most unfortunate thing happens to her, God forbid, but I feel so terrible about it as well.

I want to love her, but every time I even go and sit with her to be a good son, her words instantly make me want to change my plan, and go somewhere away for a year or two. Just yesterday, I was actually looking for jobs in Switzerland so that I can move their for a year, and live alone, but I have a daughter who just turned 1, and the thought of leaving her erased all aspirations of going anywhere. I don't want my kids to have the same opinion of me as I have of my mother, but what goes around, comes around right?

I don't even think there is a respite for my predicament. I'm stuck, and I'm going to hell because I'm a bad son. I'm a bad husband, and will also be a bad father eventually.

[Muslim Woman]

:wa:

keep praying to Allah for ur mom . Holy Ramadan is near . Use the month for the benifit of this world and the hereafter for the whole family. May Allah accepts ur dua for mom .

[islamica]

Have you considered moving out? you don't have to live in the same house. You have every islamic right to move out and live your own lives since there are others who are still in the house. You all don't have to live in the same house forever.

[greenhill]

Have you considered moving out?

Perhaps you should. The situation is so set in its groove that it is almost impossible to change, however hard we try. To stay, (from what you wrote) would be a self destructive experience. Could be contagious. :grumbling

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[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

I was actually looking for jobs in Switzerland so that I can move their for a year, and live alone, but I have a daughter who just turned 1, and the thought of leaving her erased all aspirations of going anywhere.

Brother, I think if you want to leave, you ought to take your wife and kids with you. Don't go by yourself and leave them to suffer under your mother without you being there to mediate. That is not fair on them.

As others have suggested, it would be for the best if you moved to a different home. No need to go as far as Switzerland. :)

Maybe find somewhere reasonably close to them so that you can visit every now and then and maintain a relationship. Also, in my experience, the best answer to ignorant bad talk is to be silent. Let them say and do as they please to you. Eventually they'll grow tired after seeing no reaction from you.

[Urban Turban]

:sl:

I forget the name of the saint but when a man came looking for him from a very off place into his abode in a jungle, he asked for the saint, but his [the saints] wife said he wasn't present and had gone in the woods for firewood and with that she made the choicest of abuses and complaints to her husband such that the man couldn't listen anymore and turned back to leave when after walking some distance only to see the saint returning on the back of a lion, the man informed him of what had happened and said if this was true then how could you have reached the level of sainthood, the saint said it was because of the sabr [patience] I exercised towards my wife's abuses that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has granted me sainthood!

Therein lie lesson for us all.

So exercise patience and make duas that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala grant peace in your family.

Better do duas in tahajjud and also give sadaqah.

Her deeds are between her and Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

:wa:

[Urban Turban]

I don't even think there is a respite for my predicament. I'm stuck, and I'm going to hell because I'm a bad son. I'm a bad husband, and will also be a bad father eventually.

Never say this - there's no place for hopelessness in Islam.

I also suggest you read Riyad us Saliheen by Imam Nawawi [rh] everyday for 15-20 mins when everyone's present [Mom, dad, wife, etc]

[greenhill]

Never say this - there's no place for hopelessness in Islam.

That's a nice one!