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anonymous
09-06-2013, 04:35 PM
Assalaam alaikum dear members

I have posted my problem here before, but couldn't get a satisfactory answer. I'm married, mom doesn't like my wife, keeps insulting my wife, wife remains temporarily patient, fight surfaces, i talk to my wife, not in a financially sound condition to move out, have a child, complicated situation. The result of all this has brought up these great wall of dislike between me and my wife. I love her, but don't feel like showing it to her, and I feel she doesn't respect me anymore. Come to a point where fights do not get resolved, they are fought and left like open wounds only to be scratched upon later.

I am actively considering the option of divorce. I think I married at the wrong time, and should have known it from the beginning that all this was going to happen. I'm not able to focus on anything because of this. My work is in the trash, and I'm nearing deadlines. The fights only keep getting worse. Should I just divorce my wife, and free her, my mom and myself of this liability that I have brought upon all three of us. I don't know what to do, even if someone suggests otherwise I think I will divorce her, and probably move to a different country where I can not be asked about my life at all. I'm heartbroken. I know I should respect my mother, but I don't. I don't trust my mother, I don't trust my wife. I have a daughter, and she is the only one I care about at the moment. I think I should divorce my wife, and keep seeing my daughter on a regular basis (if possible, daily).

The divorce is not the big blow for me as I can take another wife if I want. The absolute incurable part for me is my mom's behavior. My mom was never a kind person, but she has shown an evil side since my marriage which I was better off not knowing. It is so painful that I think my lack of respect for my mom is surely taking me to the hellfire. This experience has almost made me a misogynist, because all the women I've known in my life are cruel and selfish. I respect my dad infinitely because he has lived his entire life with my mom, and also provided the best lifestyle for his kids. But my mom is someone I can not forgive for scars and wounds that are imprinted on my brain.

I have developed a dislike for my wife as well, because the only thing I've asked of her since our marriage is patience with my mother. There have been varied cases of disobedience from her side, but I've not paid much attention to them only in exchange for the only thing I asked. But she has been a disappointment. She takes care of our daughter, but when she's in my house, I look over the child more than her, and when she's in her parents' house, her mom and sisters look over the child more than her.

I won't say that I haven't gained much from this marriage, because it has had its shares of good and bad, but I can't take knowing that the two most important women in my life hurt me so terribly.
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~Zaria~
09-06-2013, 05:18 PM
:salam: brother,

Please would you consider seeking (islamic) marriage as well as family counselling.
There are some problems in life to which on-line advice cannot provide adequate justice to, and requires face-to-face discussion with all parties involved, in the presence of a third party.

Whilst divorce is permissible in islam, it is one of those permitted acts that is most disliked by Allah (subhanawataála), whilst Shaytaan finds such great pleasure in seeing marriages end.

Both divorce and disrespecting your mum cannot be taken lightly.
And for this reason, I urge you to seek every possible resource that is available, to in shaa Allah, find a good solution to this problem.

I personally believe that every marriage should be given a chance by means of counselling - and should the marriage still end in divorce, then at least you can have peace of mind that you have given it your best shot, and you have made every effort to save the marriage.....but still it did not work out - then this was by the decree of Allah (subhanawataála).

If you can provide us your area of location, then in shaa Allah, one of the members may be able to direct you towards more assistance in this regard.

Turn to Allah and make abundant duaa, that He eases this difficulty in your life.

I pray that there can be more understanding, respect, love and patience in your home, and that Allah protects your marriage from the influences of Shaytaan.
Ameen.


:wa:
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~Zaria~
09-06-2013, 05:38 PM
This short advice by Mufti Menk may be of benefit to your situation as well in shaa Allah:






^ In a similar manner, a counselor can be very useful in providing advice in a fair manner, for the goodness of all parties involved in shaa Allah.
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Muhaba
09-06-2013, 09:25 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
Assalaam alaikum dear members

I have posted my problem here before, but couldn't get a satisfactory answer. I'm married, mom doesn't like my wife, keeps insulting my wife, wife remains temporarily patient, fight surfaces, i talk to my wife, not in a financially sound condition to move out, have a child, complicated situation. The result of all this has brought up these great wall of dislike between me and my wife. I love her, but don't feel like showing it to her, and I feel she doesn't respect me anymore. Come to a point where fights do not get resolved, they are fought and left like open wounds only to be scratched upon later.

I am actively considering the option of divorce. I think I married at the wrong time, and should have known it from the beginning that all this was going to happen. I'm not able to focus on anything because of this. My work is in the trash, and I'm nearing deadlines. The fights only keep getting worse. Should I just divorce my wife, and free her, my mom and myself of this liability that I have brought upon all three of us. I don't know what to do, even if someone suggests otherwise I think I will divorce her, and probably move to a different country where I can not be asked about my life at all. I'm heartbroken. I know I should respect my mother, but I don't. I don't trust my mother, I don't trust my wife. I have a daughter, and she is the only one I care about at the moment. I think I should divorce my wife, and keep seeing my daughter on a regular basis (if possible, daily).

The divorce is not the big blow for me as I can take another wife if I want. The absolute incurable part for me is my mom's behavior. My mom was never a kind person, but she has shown an evil side since my marriage which I was better off not knowing. It is so painful that I think my lack of respect for my mom is surely taking me to the hellfire. This experience has almost made me a misogynist, because all the women I've known in my life are cruel and selfish. I respect my dad infinitely because he has lived his entire life with my mom, and also provided the best lifestyle for his kids. But my mom is someone I can not forgive for scars and wounds that are imprinted on my brain.

I have developed a dislike for my wife as well, because the only thing I've asked of her since our marriage is patience with my mother. There have been varied cases of disobedience from her side, but I've not paid much attention to them only in exchange for the only thing I asked. But she has been a disappointment. She takes care of our daughter, but when she's in my house, I look over the child more than her, and when she's in her parents' house, her mom and sisters look over the child more than her.

I won't say that I haven't gained much from this marriage, because it has had its shares of good and bad, but I can't take knowing that the two most important women in my life hurt me so terribly.
Why don't you move to a different country with your wife? You say you don't have the money to move out but then you say you'll move to a different country. How come you have money to do that and not to move out? Divorcing your wife is unfair to her. it seems you are only thinking of doing that only to please your mother because you know she doesn't like your wife. But you will be sinning if you do so. Your wife has rights on you. She has the right to a peaceful life and if your mother is making her life miserable, then you should try to put a stop to it and not by divorcing your wife. Is it possible to try to put distance between your wife and your mother without moving out? Like taking your wife and child to her parents house while you're at work? Or maybe go out with your wife whenever a fight erupts? Also consider taking wife and mother both to counseling (Islamic marriage counseling or something similar) so that they can both learn about the rights and duties of everyone in the home as well as find out what is causing the antagonism and to cure it.
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Hamza Asadullah
09-07-2013, 08:54 AM
Originally Posted by anonymous
Assalaam alaikum dear members

I have posted my problem here before, but couldn't get a satisfactory answer. I'm married, mom doesn't like my wife, keeps insulting my wife, wife remains temporarily patient, fight surfaces, i talk to my wife, not in a financially sound condition to move out, have a child, complicated situation. The result of all this has brought up these great wall of dislike between me and my wife. I love her, but don't feel like showing it to her, and I feel she doesn't respect me anymore. Come to a point where fights do not get resolved, they are fought and left like open wounds only to be scratched upon later.

I am actively considering the option of divorce. I think I married at the wrong time, and should have known it from the beginning that all this was going to happen. I'm not able to focus on anything because of this. My work is in the trash, and I'm nearing deadlines. The fights only keep getting worse. Should I just divorce my wife, and free her, my mom and myself of this liability that I have brought upon all three of us. I don't know what to do, even if someone suggests otherwise I think I will divorce her, and probably move to a different country where I can not be asked about my life at all. I'm heartbroken. I know I should respect my mother, but I don't. I don't trust my mother, I don't trust my wife. I have a daughter, and she is the only one I care about at the moment. I think I should divorce my wife, and keep seeing my daughter on a regular basis (if possible, daily).

The divorce is not the big blow for me as I can take another wife if I want. The absolute incurable part for me is my mom's behavior. My mom was never a kind person, but she has shown an evil side since my marriage which I was better off not knowing. It is so painful that I think my lack of respect for my mom is surely taking me to the hellfire. This experience has almost made me a misogynist, because all the women I've known in my life are cruel and selfish. I respect my dad infinitely because he has lived his entire life with my mom, and also provided the best lifestyle for his kids. But my mom is someone I can not forgive for scars and wounds that are imprinted on my brain.

I have developed a dislike for my wife as well, because the only thing I've asked of her since our marriage is patience with my mother. There have been varied cases of disobedience from her side, but I've not paid much attention to them only in exchange for the only thing I asked. But she has been a disappointment. She takes care of our daughter, but when she's in my house, I look over the child more than her, and when she's in her parents' house, her mom and sisters look over the child more than her.

I won't say that I haven't gained much from this marriage, because it has had its shares of good and bad, but I can't take knowing that the two most important women in my life hurt me so terribly.
Asalaamu Alaikum.

In such a situation you need to be a man and move out! How do you expect two women who clash to live with each other? Not many people who live out are "financially sound" but they have no choice and Allah provides for them so why should he not provide for you?

The current situation is just not working. So it is time for you to man up and fulfill your wifes rights and move out and get your own place. How can your wife respect a coward who does not be the man in such a situation? Who does not help or support her but lets her get devoured in every situation in the household?

So stop being so negative and "throwing the towel in" by resorting to divorce. By doing that you are acting cowardly by running away from your responsibilities. What about your child? Arr you that much of a father that you would let your chils life be ruined by such a split? On top of that you would leave your poor wife just because you are not man enough to just move out just because your worried about your financial situation? I guarantee you that there are people out there in far worser positions than you but they are managing to get by.

Once you move out and actually start taking responsibility then you will naturally see the love grow again and natural respect coming from your wife. You will see a revitalising and nourishing of your relationship. But if you give up and resort to divorce like a coward then utter shame upon you for the rest of your life that you could never be a proper man.

So you know what your next move must be, so just do it and dont look back. You can visit your Mother as much as you want and at the sametime develop your relationship with your wife and have your own little life with her and your children. What kind of effect do you think all this friction and arguments is having on your child? Do you think that your child does not notice? Children notice EVERYTHING!

So think about your wife and child and worry not about finances and other things. Just make much effort and Dua snd no doubt Allah will provide for you and your partner and children like he does for cou tless other people in your situation.
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Signor
09-07-2013, 05:49 PM
Waalikum Assalaam

Lets Assume,You divorced your wife,Whats next?

You with new wife

Your wife started living like a Single Mom or Probably gets married


What will going to happen with your Daughter?A Football between two persons passing her here and there.Remember my brother broken homes have broken children.Save your house for little angel by any means at any cost.Don't ruin her precious future,nothing can provide her more than a shelter governed by her own parents.

May Allah ease your affairs and helps you to come to the right decision.Aameen
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Periwinkle18
09-07-2013, 06:32 PM
I would say you need to move out, live separately that'll make things better...

Ur mum mite b upset buh ur family needs u too. U can always go n visit ur mum.
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Abdul Fattah
09-08-2013, 12:08 PM
Aselam aleykum,
I feel for you, it's hard to suddenly realize that a person is not who you thought he/she is. In a way the ideal vision of that person dies, and you go trough a process similar to mourning. Are you sure divorce is the way to go? If you still love her, and she loves you, then that should be enough to overcome whatever obstacles lay in front of you. And i certainly understand that part about not feeling to express your emotions because of wounds you both carry from previous fights, but it's never to late to turn that around. Many couples go trough these difficult periods, marriage always takes allot of work, and your situation certainly isn't helping. But the fact you've both made it so far might in fact be a testament that there's definitely allot worth working for in your marriage before you give up. As for your financial situation not allowing you to move out. Well i don't know your income/expenses, but maybe it's time to priorities and make difficult decisions. Is it really not an option, or is it just that you would have to make to many sacrifices if you decide to move out? And do those sacrifices really weigh out the worth of your marriage?
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