mixed race niece disowned by brother at 7 years old now back at 18 and rejected again

[abs4190]

Aslamualaykum brothers and sisters. I need some advice and guidance on this situation. Basically my brother had a relationship with a white girl 18 years ago and had a daughter with her, my niece. The relationship between my brother and his partner wasvery volatile to put it mildly. She got pregnant and they had their nikkah before the child was born. When my niece was born my brother and the family loved and adored her unconditionally. She lived with her mother and my brother would bring her over on birthdays etc and she remained in the family until she was 7.

The relationship between my brother and the child's mother deteriorated and he went his seperate way. He then went on to meet a Muslim woman and he married her, closing the chapter on his previous life behind him including his child that he abandoned to make way for his new life. His wife was aware that he already had a child but was happy for him to abandon his child forever to be with her.

At the time my wife and I were having difficulty starting a family and my nieces mother had difficult coping as she had another child from a previous relationship. My wife and I offered to adopt my niece because she was to be placed into care due to her mother being unfit etc. My brother said he wanted nobody to interfere in his past and threatened to harm himself. This upset my mother and we were told to not pursue this any further. My niece ended up in care as a result and we were never allowed to mention her again in my brothers presence.

Anyway, my brother got married and has been blessed with 3 children with his Muslim wife of 10 years. However, his first daughter and my niece has always been in our hearts. A few weeks ago my wife bumped into my nieces mother just before her 18th birthday and she asked if it would be Ok for her to take our mobile number to give to my niece. We agreed and my niece has been in touch and we have seen her a few times. Despite her troubled upbringing in a non Muslim environment through no doing of her own and no one to guide her she had done remarkably well and is at college.

I apologised to her for the family abandoning her in her time of need. She currently lives with her Nana. My niece who I last saw 11 years earlier has asked about her father, my brother and wants to know if he wants her on his life and if not she will accept that but she wants to get to know the rest of our family.

She wrote her father a letter hoping to appeal to him. I told her that whatever her father decides she will be part of my family from now onwards. We cannot judge her on how she has been brought up but can have a part in guiding her in the future, I assured her that she would not be abandoned again.

A few days ago I passed the letter to my brother who accused me of meddling in his life when that part of his life was closed as far as he was concerned. His wife has also been told and she was very vocal calling her a kaffir and even claimed the child wasn't his. I even offered to pay for a dna test but his wife said it wouldn't change her feelings on the situation and I was deliberately trying to wreck her marriage. My brother and his wide have called his daughter trash and they have severed all ties with me saying he is dead in my eyes because I am willing to stand by his daughter instead of rejecting her again. I've told him that he cannot erase his past. He basically told me to choose between him or this mistake as he referred. I told him I would support hischild if he wouldn't.

Can someone please comment on the situation regarding my brothers obligation on Islam and am I doing the right thing for the child. Thank you.

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

Parents have a duty to teach their children Islam and they will be questioned with regards to this in the hereafter. If he didn't want her in his life he should have at least allowed you to adopt so that you could have raised her in Islam.

As it stands, it seems your brother and his wife are not going to accept her regardless of anything. In my opinion it would be best if you and your wife helped her without involving your brother into it (not saying to hide it from him, just don't push him into doing something he is not willing to do).

[abs4190]

Thank you for your reply. My brother has told me that as far as he is concerned he is dead to me. He wants nothing further to do with me or my family because I chose to do the right thing for his child that he has abandoned. He has said it has nothing to do with me and if he wants nothing to do with her then what right do I have to interfere. I am saddened that he has reacted this way.

I have asked him to seek guidance on this matter from an Islamic scholar as both him and his wife are saying I am wrong in doing this but I believe that my actions are correct and my wife supports me fully. My brother and his wife are also calling my wife a meddling woman.

[Alpha Dude]

I think your action is correct too. Brother, in reality your brother and his wife are confused and possibly being defensive in that they feel their life might be disrupted.

His wife has also been told and she was very vocal calling her a kaffir

The fact that she says this is a problem - she doesn't understand that Islam is a gift and everyone deserves it. In fact, it is a duty of ours to spread the religion. If her niece has not been guided, then that's all the more reason to help her.

I think you should guide and help your niece in the best way possible and in sha Allah your brother some day comes around.

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[Muhaba]

Aslamualaykum brothers and sisters. I need some advice and guidance on this situation. Basically my brother had a relationship with a white girl 18 years ago and had a daughter with her, my niece. The relationship between my brother and his partner wasvery volatile to put it mildly. She got pregnant and they had their nikkah before the child was born. When my niece was born my brother and the family loved and adored her unconditionally. She lived with her mother and my brother would bring her over on birthdays etc and she remained in the family until she was 7.

The relationship between my brother and the child's mother deteriorated and he went his seperate way. He then went on to meet a Muslim woman and he married her, closing the chapter on his previous life behind him including his child that he abandoned to make way for his new life. His wife was aware that he already had a child but was happy for him to abandon his child forever to be with her.

At the time my wife and I were having difficulty starting a family and my nieces mother had difficult coping as she had another child from a previous relationship. My wife and I offered to adopt my niece because she was to be placed into care due to her mother being unfit etc. My brother said he wanted nobody to interfere in his past and threatened to harm himself. This upset my mother and we were told to not pursue this any further. My niece ended up in care as a result and we were never allowed to mention her again in my brothers presence.

Anyway, my brother got married and has been blessed with 3 children with his Muslim wife of 10 years. However, his first daughter and my niece has always been in our hearts. A few weeks ago my wife bumped into my nieces mother just before her 18th birthday and she asked if it would be Ok for her to take our mobile number to give to my niece. We agreed and my niece has been in touch and we have seen her a few times. Despite her troubled upbringing in a non Muslim environment through no doing of her own and no one to guide her she had done remarkably well and is at college.

I apologised to her for the family abandoning her in her time of need. She currently lives with her Nana. My niece who I last saw 11 years earlier has asked about her father, my brother and wants to know if he wants her on his life and if not she will accept that but she wants to get to know the rest of our family.

She wrote her father a letter hoping to appeal to him. I told her that whatever her father decides she will be part of my family from now onwards. We cannot judge her on how she has been brought up but can have a part in guiding her in the future, I assured her that she would not be abandoned again.

A few days ago I passed the letter to my brother who accused me of meddling in his life when that part of his life was closed as far as he was concerned. His wife has also been told and she was very vocal calling her a kaffir and even claimed the child wasn't his. I even offered to pay for a dna test but his wife said it wouldn't change her feelings on the situation and I was deliberately trying to wreck her marriage. My brother and his wide have called his daughter trash and they have severed all ties with me saying he is dead in my eyes because I am willing to stand by his daughter instead of rejecting her again. I've told him that he cannot erase his past. He basically told me to choose between him or this mistake as he referred. I told him I would support hischild if he wouldn't.

Can someone please comment on the situation regarding my brothers obligation on Islam and am I doing the right thing for the child. Thank you.

Your brother is in the wrong for abandoning his daughter in the past and now as well. A hadith says "laa yadkhul al-Jannah qatiatu-raham" - the breaker of the ties of kinship does not enter Paradise. Accordingly, your brother risks being barred from Jannah for his actions. Your brother is also responsible for the fact that his daughter was raised in an unislamic environment and any misguidance is his fault. He will be asked about it.

Even if your brother is unwilling to have contact with his daughter, you should maintain contact with your niece and even encourage her to live with you / close to you if possible. She is part of your family. Don't allow anyone to make you break the ties of kinship. If your brother then refuses to have any contact with you, then that will also be his fault and he will have to answer to Allah for another act that is unislamic. So continue to have contact with your niece and invite her to family get-togethers held in your house so she can become attached to her Muslim family. Whenever you have your niece over at family get-togethers, inform your brother beforehand that she will be there so there won't be a confrontation. Tell your brother that he is welcome to come to such an event but that you expect him to respect your niece and that nothing he does or says will change the fact that she is a part of your family Islamically. If your brother chooses not to come to any such event then that is his choice but do not stop your niece from attending for his sake.

Finally, it's possible that when your brother sees you interacting with your niece, it may be that he may change his attitude toward her as well.

May Allah help you take a stand on this important matter and help you guide your niece to Islam.

[Futuwwa]

Taking care of an orphan is a very good Islamic deed, there is no question about that. I suppose your niece would count as an orphan. A father who has abandoned her is a father who, for practical purposes, does not exist.

[iiddnn]

Im pretty sure he is obligated to take care of her

[ardianto]

Your brother is in the wrong for abandoning his daughter in the past and now as well.

I think the OP brother realize it. But he is afraid to his new wife. It's proven in first 7 years before he married his new wife who described as happy with his decision to abandon her daughter.

[Periwinkle18]

Oh dear Thts really sad

MashaAllah akhi ur doing the right thing. Honestly no matter what ur niece is still ur brothers daughter. I'm happy u planned u take care of her.

I think that's its ur brothers new wife who doesn't want his daughter to come n if ur brother's wife loves money she wouldn't want ur niece to come as she has a share in inheritance as well she would want the money to be distributed among her kids only. I knw this mite not make sense buh sometimes u have to look a bit far these type of things happen a lot.

Pray a lot akhi ask Allah to open ur brothers heart.

N ur doing the right thing may Allah reward you. You are the wali of ur niece n its good that she has some one...

May Allah guide ur brother to the right path ameen.

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:


Can u bear her costs without informing ur bro and sis in law ? Is there any good boarding school where she can stay ?

[abs4190]

Thank you brothers and sisters to take time to read my thread and reply. It is comforting to me that you all share my feelings and condone the actions of my brother and his wife. He does not want anything to do with me anymore so I don't think I'll be inviting him to any family functions. The fact that he may have had indiscretions in his previous life before he got married is no reason to take it out on his daughter. Both him and his wife believe they are in the right and no matter what anyone says will change their hearts.

It was so disheartening when I had to break the news to my niece that her father wanted nothing to do with her. As she cried shesaid that she always lived in hope that he father would accept her in his life. She never wanted to disrupt his new life or ask anything from him apart from love and acknowledgment.

I will take all your words of wisdom and try and be a positive influence to my niece. I have read the comments you have made to her and she is thankful for your kind words.

[Periwinkle18]

While studying the law of inheritance I remember my teacher said in Islam u can't disown ur child, so ur niece will have her share of inheritance no matter what I guess ur new sis in law just doesn't want tht...

But just keep supporting her may Allah reward u InshaAllah.

[abs4190]

While studying the law of inheritance I remember that my teacher said in Islam u can't disown ur child, so ur niece will have her share of inheritance no matter what I guess ur new sis in law just doesn't want tht...

But just keep supporting her may Allah reward u InshaAllah.

I have always thought the same and both my brother and wife are fortunate they haven't been pursued for maintenance payments for his child. They are mocking my wife and I for taking on his responsibility and try to put me of saying my niece will corrupt my 9 year old daughter with her western ways etc. I pray that they can realise the error of their ways and accept this child in their life.

[Periwinkle18]

InshaAllah Ameen..

[Salahudeen]

I think you're doing the right thing, it is his loss if he can not see he has been given a second opportunity to put things right. This is common though, some women never accept stuff like this because it hurts them to remember that their husband did this in his past and makes them look at him differently, so I think they just want to erase it from their memory and pretend it never happened and his child doesn't exist. Because they can't cope with accepting it. And he's thinking it will just ruin his current marriage so there's no point. If he wasn't married with a new wife and 3 kids his attitude would be different. Maybe they also don't want their current kids finding out that this is what their dad done in the past and they're trying to keep it a secret from their children.

[abs4190]

I think you're doing the right thing, it is his loss if he can not see he has been given a second opportunity to put things right. This is common though, some women never accept stuff like this because it hurts them to remember that their husband did this in his past and makes them look at him differently, so I think they just want to erase it from their memory and pretend it never happened and his child doesn't exist. Because they can't cope with accepting it. And he's thinking it will just ruin his current marriage so there's no point. If he wasn't married with a new wife and 3 kids his attitude would be different. Maybe they also don't want their current kids finding out that this is what their dad done in the past and they're trying to keep it a secret from their children.

Thank you brother, you are completely right.