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I am currently in mess now. I want to get married. I want to marry my girlfriend. But I am in a situation where it feels like nothing is working. Why? Because my girlfriend is Hindu and I come from a Muslim Family. Actually It is because I am waiting for the situation to work for me. But it is never going to happen. Allah does not like this kind of people. My writing is very messy. It does not have any direction. This is similar to my personality. I am disorganized. That is why I always fail to complete a project. I started my relation with my girlfriend in September, 2011. It has already been two and half years passed. These two years were very important. I should have worked as hard as possible. I should have lived like hand to mouth.
But instead I just kept on being like what I were before. There were no action taken by me even though I realized I need to roll my sleeves up. Now what has happened is I lost track. I want to say everything. I want to make people understand my situation. I want them to feel what I am feeling. Also I am looking for accountability from other people. I am looking for support. I do not believe it is possible for me to accomplish something. I am not confident. Since childhood, I was always depended on my parents. If anything had gone wrong, I always blamed them. Now they want me to be matured. But instead I have misbehaved with them. I am feeling sorry now. But I had grudge on my mother since she committed adultery when I was ten or eleven.
I had been visualising her encounter with her boyfriend till I am 25. I kept trying to forget those moment. Since I was the only one to catch them by hand and I did not talk about this to anyone (not even my mother), the memories were in my heart. So I could not keep the anger within myself when my mother directly opposed my relationship. But it had a terrible consequences. She has become narcissistic now. She always have to show other people she is a praiseworthy person. She lies to other people about me so that she can make me feel bad. She exaggerates things. She project other people as fool. She could never achieve anything in her life. She believes she is worthless. That is why she is always lying in front of other people. On the other hand I was seeking love from my mother. I was also hoping she would help me. But when I saw she was behaving like a liar, I became very angry. I did not know what to do. Then I googled online and later found about the characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. I mourned for 2 days. It felt like my mother had died. Now I am trying to be a mature. I do not seek help anyone except one supreme power. I started to read QURAN. First, I read surah Fath (Victory) as it was mentioned in an website to recite during hardship.
When I saw the mention of mark of the forehead (my girlfriend has a mark in her forehead and I had always made fun of it) in the last line, I was kind of thrilled. It make me want read more. I started to read meaning of more Surahs in accordance with how much the meaning of their name matched with my situation. I found so many situations in which I found that the lines are explaining my situations (e.g. the mention of crying for transport, words uttered by my mother, time when I totally forgot about ALLAH, scoring drugs, and taking them for the last two years). I was amazed. I felt like ALLAH was talking to me or Allah was passing those massages to me.
There were explanation about the wrong things my mother had done. At first, I was feeling relieved because I thought I was going to right direction as it was intended to explain about MUNIFIQ (who shows that they believe in public but actually does not) . But after reciting the meaning of a few more Surahs, I found the explanation of the wrong-doings I was undertaking. I even found what I have to tell my girlfriend's parents. Allah is so merciful. Now I have decided to follow the path of ISLAM. But very few people understand QURAN. Most of the people follow ISLAM because their fathers and forefathers used to be Muslim. Now-a-days, no one tries to understand its meaning. However, I do not need to worry. Because Allah can listen to anyone's heart. So he will look after me.
He knows I believe in him. And in the end it is what in afterlife that matters. In this world suffering is kind of a blessing. I believe my girlfriend was sent by ALLAH to test our family. I do not want to fail this test. But I can't write down how to define the right way in ISLAM. I know marrying a disbeliever is forbidden in QURAN and ALLAH knows best who is a disbelieve and who is a believer. If I am blessed by ALLAH, and I keep up my endeavour to read QURAN, pray SALAH, Give JAKAT, Send gift in advance to ALLAH and most importantly REPENT, REFORM and PRAY to ALLAH, Then I will find the right direction.
And ALLAH knows best.
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