Islam - Marrying someone with mental illness

[strivingobserver98]

:sl:

To what extent would you go to marry someone who has mental illness? Any types such as bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, autism, anxiety, OCD etc. Of course it's different in each situation and severity. What if your potential spouse had one of these, is this something you will overlook or major red flag?

:jz:

[BilalKid]

Marry who you love and likely to stay together forever:wub:

[YusufNoor]

:sl:

To what extent would you go to marry someone who has mental illness? Any types such as bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, autism, anxiety, OCD etc. Of course it's different in each situation and severity. What if your potential spouse had one of these, is this something you will overlook or major red flag?

:jz:

:sl:

you can't "overlook" it, because you will have to deal with it. you should read up on what be in store for you, if you go down that road.

when looking for a spouse, Iman should come first.

and Allah knows best!

ma salaama

[ardianto]

When my wife still alive she ever told me that she was grateful because she had a husband who love her not because her beauty. She was beautiful woman who expected by many men, but I chose her not because her beauty. For me, character and personality are far more important than beauty. It's means, I very concern with mental condition of my future wife.

Would I marry a woman who has mental problem?. It's depend on the level of this mental problem and my ability to deal with it. If her mental problem is just depression or anxiety, I would marry her and would to try to help her to overcome her problem. But if she has heavy mental problem like schizophrenia, ....... no! I would not not marry her.

It's because my principle of married life. If I married a woman, then I should always love her, whatever happen, and would never leave her, whatever happen to her.

If I married a woman who I knew has heavy mental problem, and then my married life couldn't go well because her mental problem, I couldn't divorce her. So, rather than I marry someone then divorce her, it's better if I didn't marry her.

However, if I married someone, then something happen which make her has mental problem, I would still hold my promise, I would not divorce her and would always love her, even if she lost her sanity.

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[Chase]

If you're going to marry someone with mental illness out of pity you're on for a bad journey and it's only going to get hard for you and for your partner. I suppose there isn't anything in Islam that's going to stop you from marrying that lady because she's not choosing to be the way the she is, but at the same time Islam isn't going to force you to marry her because you can do what you can and the at the end it all depends on you and your feelings.

[BeTheChange]

Anyone can be a victim of depression, bad health, bed-bound etc - You could have it all and then it could be taken away from you i.e. through a car accident, house burning down - could suffer from burns on your face and body etc. We never know what's round the corner. For me religiosity levels and character is more important than physical attraction. Physical attraction needs to be there of course but i would marry a man for his religion than his looks.

In terms of mental illness it's extremely difficult and hard. I can handle it on a one off basis but day in day out supporting the individual through their difficult time takes a lot out of you. Ultimately it depends on the level of mental illness and how long you have to deal with it for.

[ahsankhan]

just like other said, it depends on type and the extent of mental illness of someone you can dealt with, marrying someone is a life long decision, so you should be very careful about it if a person you are marrying have some sort of medical problem.

[aesa]

:sl:

To what extent would you go to marry someone who has mental illness? Any types such as bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, autism, anxiety, OCD etc. Of course it's different in each situation and severity. What if your potential spouse had one of these, is this something you will overlook or major red flag?

:jz:

Well as you said it depends on the situation but before I converted in Islam I was in a relationship with a man who was bipolar and has anger issues and he was extremely abusive to me and is now in jail for murder so I personally would have never married someone with those same issues just because of my past, I also think I wouldn't marry someone who had a more severe problem like schizophrenia or severe autism. But I myself have anxiety pretty badly, I don't like going outside much or being in big groups of people, but in my situation my husband kind of likes that I don't go out much and stay home most of the time. Oh and I think marrying someone with OCD would be totally fine because he would probably just be super organized lol.

[rhen]

I want to state something, I have suffered from depression in the past, but this has not affected the way I treat people. I believe in Allah and Islam's teachings to be patient and kind to others. I won't state my sufferings here, but lets just say Allah gave me many many trials and I am still very young. I have not engaged in any relationships, heck I don't even like going anywhere near men/making friends with them.

[Lisa921]

I want to state something, I have suffered from depression in the past, but this has not affected the way I treat people. I believe in Allah and Islam's teachings to be patient and kind to others. I won't state my sufferings here, but lets just say Allah gave me many many trials and I am still very young. I have not engaged in any relationships, heck I don't even like going anywhere near men/making friends with them.

I like this response ALOT!! Masha Allah for putting it so succinctly and elegantly:D
I will confess that I too suffered (past tense because I am in recovery) from the infamous 'schizophrenia' in the form of an affective disorder and I happen to be a very well liked and generally popular person in the circles that I maintain in real life. So to whoever alluded that we are dangerous, uncouth, unmarriageable or otherwise impossible to live with, ha!
Maybe I would be those things if say my husband was a completely "dumbkopf" (german word). But not if he was the pious righteous man I chose to and dream to marry. In other words, and to be brief, I would treat a spouse the way that he deserved to be treated regardless of my mental health as I have done all my life.
I may have a bad day but it only affects me unless the person gives me cause to give them a hard time by being insensitive or otherwise incorrigible brut!
Remember the golden rule: treat others the way you would like to be treated! doesn't matter whats going on inside them (that's not your business :D )

[sister herb]

:sl:

To what extent would you go to marry someone who has mental illness? Any types such as bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, autism, anxiety, OCD etc. Of course it's different in each situation and severity. What if your potential spouse had one of these, is this something you will overlook or major red flag?

:jz:

Salam alaykum

Note that autism is not mental illness. It is a developmental disorder of the central nervous system. You can´t compare it with bipolar, depression or schizophrenia. ^o)

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum,


(mildly) I think each person has to look at the whole situation. What is the nature of the disorder? Is it treatable? Is the person acknowledging their problem, and willing to treat it?

What is the person's underlying character? Are they kind? Are they responsible? Do they have taqwa (and by this, I mean do they sense God's Will and try to bend themselves to it, not do they spout Islam in a superficial way. Because someone could have a degree in the Islamic sciences and pray and fast… but be a deeply corrupt person who has no fear and awe of Allah).

It's also useful to look at the extended family. What are they like? Are they supportive of their loved one? Would they help you? Could they help compensate for the particular problem?

Finally, if there is any possibility of children in the equation, it is very important to ask yourself: how would this illness impact the children? For instance, you might feel you could cope with someone who gets depressed and suicidal… but it is very hard for a small child to understand this, and it is frightening. Or if, for instance, the person is emotionally unavailable, realize that this is subtly deeply damaging to a child… unless, perhaps, the extended family could help fill this need?

There will always be some flaws. You can't "have it all". On the other hand, while Muslims are supposed to restrain themselves in adversity… we are not supposed to go looking for adversity. And we are responsible for what kind of parent we provide for our children (if we have/ are able to have any).

(smile) Each person is unique. And each situation is different. There are no cut and dried answers. (smile) And this is the challenge and beauty of this life: we must think, we must reason, we must listen to our hearts… and we must make choices. Many choices over our lives. Always trying to ascertain what is Pleasing to God in esch instance, and then choosing that option.


May Allah, the One Who Fashioned us, Help us to struggle to do His Will… and become that which only He Knows we can be.

[strivingobserver98]

Salam alaykum

Note that autism is not mental illness. It is a developmental disorder of the central nervous system. You can´t compare it with bipolar, depression or schizophrenia.

:wa:

Wow this thread was ages ago, sorry was a bit naive back then :hiding:. How so many things have changed in short time subhan Allah.

And :jz: everyone for replies and insight.

[Lisa921]

The negative answers on here do not surprise me.
It is not a secret that there is a large bias and stigma in the our Ummah regarding this topic.
To read more of a scholarly analysis on this subject then visit this study:
http://quod.lib.umich.edu/j/jmmh/103...;view=fulltext

[Scimitar]

i'm supposed to be bipolar... but I think i'm tripolar at least - it's never been a problem - my brain space is always interesting, never a dull moment.

Scimi

[sister herb]

Salam alaykum

I am worry about how many people are thinking about mental illnesses in general that they are not real diseases at all. People in many cultures see them as curse from the God. That cause a lot of suffer as well shame to people whose have kind of problems. Some try to hide or deny them and then suffer for years. In some cultures people afraid that the community excludes them if they admit to have mental problems. Same is with some other diseases too like epilepsy. In my work with immigrants I saw people whose refused to take medicine to both mental problems and epilepsy because they afraided their friends and family will find out and then leave them alone like they would be real sinners or contaminated by some way. Also they worried they never can´t marry or that their spouses will leave them. Because they refuses any treatment, their conditions were very bad, sometimes even life-threatening.

[Lisa921]

That's entirely possible. I've been around Muslims long enough to realize that the society encourages such ignorance of mental health. People do not refuse treatment at first because they are bad. They do it because of stigma . which is very real. Ignoramce of mental health concerns breeds these things and the sad thing about it is a lot of suicides could be prevented if people felt comfortable to speak openly about it.
I own my illness as a matter of pride so people who are worse of don't have to live in shame or denial around me.

[Lisa921]

salaam alaykum
I only feel a little sad that I will probably never married again, I wish I could find someone willing to hold me hand in old age although there is a possibility of my condition deteriorating to trying stages. But Insha Allah with prayers and good treatment and Allahs' blessings that will not happen and I will find that special person.
May Allah give us all someone to love and be loved by in this life and in Jannah. Ameen.

[ts73]

As Salaamu Alaikum. There is a large bias and stigma in this ummah to almost anything that might be scandalous, embarrassing, etc. With that said, the primary issues would be debilitation (is the condition going to get dangerously worse), violence and strange actions while the family is sleeping, and affordability (are resources in place to care for someone that needs help to include taking off work, family support, etc.). You have to be realistic - it may just not be doable. As Salaamu Alaikum.

[Hulk]

Whatever happens, inshaaAllah you'll remain strong Sis Lisa.

[jameelash]

that depends if the man is soft hearted nd religious he may be able to go smoothly with wife who is mentally ill.but for a man who expect his wife to smart nd active i doubt.even if he marry such he may opt for secod

[Lisa921]

I agree jameelash. To a certain point!
I have married both types of man and the first is definitely the way to go. The second is a straight up nightmare and I would never do that again! Lol
And if they bring up the lame second wife business then it definitely a deal breaker. Like hey buddy just because I'm mentally I'll does not mean I cannot fulfill your rights is what I'd say to that...maybe I would choose not to. Though after that lame excuse if I ever heard one!
Give me break. Seriously

That's what I'm talking about. Nightmare!

[Scimitar]

salaam alaykum
I only feel a little sad that I will probably never married again, I wish I could find someone willing to hold me hand in old age although there is a possibility of my condition deteriorating to trying stages. But Insha Allah with prayers and good treatment and Allahs' blessings that will not happen and I will find that special person.
May Allah give us all someone to love and be loved by in this life and in Jannah. Ameen.

Salaam sister Lisa :)

Imagine being 40 years old and never having been married despite trying?

Well, that's me.

I haz a sad.

Scimi

[Lisa921]

Well at least your track record is good. Nobody can fault you for that:)
if you are 40 and divorced the chances of finding that pious person dramatically decrease...its like you have the plague.
But I'm fine with it
I have learned to love myself:)
I'm kind of scared that marriage again would cut into my 'me time'. Lol
May Allah grant us pious spouses. Ameen
Lisa

[Scimitar]

actually sister, there is a lot of social stigma attached to me because of my questionable past - and though those days are over for long loooong time now, my community doesn't forget...

.... I still hear the taunts sometimes and it upsets me, but I just move on to the next distraction - like coffee, or cake. Something to forget the blues, you know :)

Scimi

EDIT: I know what you mean by the "cut into my ME time" - trust me :) I sometimes feel the same way too. haha