Problem with father. Need advice.

[coffeegirl]

• Salaam
  
  You will have to bear with me as this will probably turn long.
  My dad and my sisters and mum live here in the UK with no other family near us. We have never received any love from him, we have witnessed him beating up our mum, destroying lives of other family members, doing fraudulent deals, lying and always always showing himself as the best person there ever is to the outside world. Every sentence he starts will start with an Islamic idea or belief that will turn into a lecture. To the outsiders, he seems like a sincere compassionate believer. Inside the home, he is abusive to the point that each and every member of the family is considering suicide.
  
  As far back as I can remember, it has always been like that. We live on egg shells and we are not allowed to go out, visit anybody, and keep any relations with our family. His view of Islam is that a woman’s work is in the household and he has a right to talk in a bad manner with her. He also has a failed marriage before him with 5 kids as well. I assume the reasons are the same. He has no empathy and restricts everything. Even how spoons are kept in the kitchen must be how he wants, how a dish is washed must be his way. What we wear must be his way – he himself never follows his rules. The list and events can go on and on.
  
  Many a times, I have asked my mother to leave him, given her options but she has always said no, what is the point now? I don’t want you to grow up without a father; however she fails to understand that she has destroyed our childhood and our adult lives. We live in despair and just want to die.
  
  The problem is we know my father is mentally ill because I read it up on the internet. This is the illness he has, it’s called narcissist personality disorder however sadly there is no cure for the disorder therefore we haven’t mentioned it to my father. But its hell to live with and most of the family know about it but no one helps us or does anything. They all watch us and don’t do anything; I will never forgive these people. And my dad’s sisters add fuel to the fire and make everything 100 times worse.
  
  The police in the UK are also useless, somebody made a complaint to the NSPCC and they come home to check on us and said they would be back later. They never returned and that was months ago.
  
  Someone else has mentioned it could be black magic, I don’t know – can black magic take effect when all relatives live abroad and this has been happening since childhood of my dad’s?
  
  I can’t leave behind my mum or my sisters so staying for now is the option. I can’t go anywhere anyway, I am not financially dependent, I have no clue how the world operates and I do not want to unleash a hurricane by running away. Plus only my mum will be blamed as my dad always blames her for our attitudes and bad upbringing.
  
  Can I kill him? Is that Islamic ally allowed, as the only way the world would be a better place would be if he died? Is it wrong to pray to Allah to take him away from us, to give him death?
  
  Can I expose him? Publish the above story line on social networking sites so that I don't have to lie to anyone anymore. I am too tired to explain to each and every person why my family is like this.
  
  I have said a few times to him that I don't believe in God anymore, I don't think there is any such thing as Islam. This is not what I believe but this is what I had hoped would shock him into changing himself.
  
  We have prayed and read and made dua and done all that is possible for 20 plus years, yet our trails and suffering are not over, why would an all loving Allah not intervene by this point. If he isn't intervening, can I?
  
  
  
  

[Muslim Woman]

:wa:


sis , sorry to know about ur problems . U are not allowed to kill ur dad . U pray to Allah to guide him and grants u sabr and reward u all for all the pain u all went through .

Remember , life is a test for hereafter . So , have patience and pray more and more to Allah.

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum my dear,


You know, you should be proud of yourself. You have been living in a terrible nightmare, and yet you are trying to DO something. You know that what is happening is not right, and you've been conditioned to be dependent, but yet you are struggling to find a way out. For yourself, for your siblings, for your mother.


This is a very positive thing.


I understand why you might wish your father to die. You think that ifhe was not there, everything would be better. Well, maybe. But realize that you have learnt unhealthy relationship patterns. Chances are, you may end up marrying someone an awful lot like your father...


Unless you can learn to deal with your father.


You say you have researched about Narcissists, and that it is an incurable Personality Disorder. First of all, it does sound possible that your father is a Narcissist. However, there are different kinds of Narcissists and there are other Personality Disorders that have Narcissistic-type traits (like Psychopaths and Schizoids). The best,of course, would be if you could get him diagnosed by a psychologist,but this is something he is unlikely to agree to, so I do understandwhy it may be necessary for you to do what you can by yourself.


One thing that I would like to bring to your attention, is that Narcissists CAN change and heal. It is just very unlikely. Narcissism is also not a mental illness. It's a kind of behaviour. It's a psychological disorder. Not a mental one. You have searched for information on the internet. This is a very good first step. But I would suggest that you also check out your local library or bookshop or university library or internet bookseller (get the books sent to a friend, though), and get more in-depth knowledge on the topic. You might try: Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy Behary. There are many other books. The more you know, the better you will understand how to deal with his behaviour.


You might also look around and see if there are any CODA (Codependents Anonymous) circles in your area. They deal with helping you to change your own unhealthy patterns of behaviour. Because you can't change your father. Only yourself. You will also find support from sharing your experiences and hearing the experiences of others. You may find a friend.


Narcissists like to isolate those close to them. Understand that your father, if he is a Narcissist, is a very weak man inside. He feels very vulnerable. He is afraid of losing control, because he thinks this will be catastrophic for him. Therefore, he rules with an iron grip. He will constantly find things to nitpick about, because this keeps you feeling inadequate, and helps him maintain control.


But no matter how much you bend to his will, he will never feel safe. He'll just not respect you.


I'd like to quote you the following hadith:


Al-Bukhari Book 43, #624


NarratedAnas: Allah's Apostle said, "Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, "O Allah's Apostle! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?" The Prophet said, "By preventing him from oppressing others."


In Islam, we are exhorted to be kind to our parents. But kindness does not mean complying with their every whim, if they happen to beabusive. And Narcissists are abusive. They will use every tactic to keep you under control. And as they feel no empathy, they can hurt you very much.


The thing that is important to realize, is that the only way you can help a Narcissist is by setting firm boundaries, and enforcing them. This is not mean. It is their only chance of healing. They can learn empathy. They can change. But it takes a lot of firm compassion. And there is no guarantee that they will change if you get out from under their control. But they might. Complying with their whims ensures that they will not change.


Also,chances are, he will become more abusive if he feels you beginning to get away. It's like they say in First Aid courses: the rescuer has to make sure he or she is safe before attempting to help another. You need to evaluate your level of risk, and you need to take steps to protect yourself before you try to help your siblings, mother or father.


You need to help your father by stopping him from oppressing you. It is his own soul that he is damaging when he harms you. Your whole life,you've probably heard people counselling you to sabr. I'm all for sabr. But sabr does not mean patiently waiting for Allah (or a knight in white armour...) to rescue you. Sabr means self-restraint. It means self-control. Perseverance. Firmness. Composure. Dealing witha Narcissist can teach you all these elements, because the Narcissist will push you like crazy to unbalance you. To make you react. Lose your self-control. To tolerate the violation of your boundaries.


Allah has Given you a precious and rare Gift: the talents necessary to deal with a Narcissist. You can do it! Look at you: you are so young, and yet you have figured out a lot already (it took me many years to figure out this stuff!). Reach out to others (as you have been doing), my dear. Get more information. Break the problem down into little pieces. If you need to build your confidence (and I'm pretty sure you do), find things that will help you do this. Are you afraid of anything? Then see if you can overcome that fear. For example, if you are afraid of snakes, find a museum or organization that will let you pet the snake. If you can overcome your smaller problems, this will help you learn how to deal with your bigger ones.


You said you were very dependent (not surprising, if you've lived with a Narcissist). What small steps can you take to become more independent? Assess your skills and talents. Do you make awesome pastries, for instance? Maybe you could approach a local shop and see if they could sell them for you. It's a small step, but it can pave the way for bigger ones. Try to think of ways that can help you become more financially independent. Studies, maybe? I don't knowyour particular case. You need to make this evaluation for yourself.And take your time. I know you feel like killing him. Or yourself.Perhaps you want to run away. Or get married quickly. Restrain yourself. Take the time you need to fully understand the situation and to find allies. Realize that all these “homework” steps are slowly helping you to gain control over your situation.


Finally,you said you have prayed. But my dear, perhaps you have been praying for the wrong thing? If you've asked Him for strength to endure a lifetime of abuse...He's obviously Given it to you. Perhaps you need to pray for Him to Guide you? To Help you become independent, to Help you maintain the boundaries you need to enforce? Think about it. He Will never Let you down. You're on a steep learning curve. You are very strong, mashallah. Hold onto Him. Your father may have led youto believe that Allah is on his side (astaghfirullah). But Allah Belongs to no one. He is just as much there for you, as for anyone who humbly calls on Him. Trust in Him.


But first, you must (smile) tie your camel (take all the steps in your power that you can do to help yourself).


Hugs to you, my dear. I will pray for you.