Assalaamu alaikum Eien,
You asked a question about modesty. And it rang a bell with me. So I thought I might share my story with you (with references! I also like to make informed decisions!), in the hope that perhaps it may be of interest to you.
When I was 19 years old, I decided to wear a headscarf. I knew very little about Islam (smile. It was very different about 28 years ago. There was no internet, many fewer Muslims, and virtually nothing in the way of books in the libraries or bookshops that I knew of.). But I did know that Muslim women wore headscarves, and that it was a question of modesty. I didn't
at all like to be looked at by men (it made me deeply uncomfortable), and I wanted to be accepted as a Muslim and be part of a community.
Having no woman to help me with this (my Muslim friends actually knew very little about Islam also, and no one wore a headscarf), I improvised. I tried a turban-like look (gosh, I looked odd!), but then, after seeing a cancer survivor in the metro (underground/subway), I decided to wear a kerchief. It covered my hair, but not my neck.
I wore this for about a year. And I felt
very uncomfortable. People kept looking at me (there weren't many women wearing headscarves in those days. It was very rare), and they would ask me why I was covering my hair. And I was really unsure as to what to say. Because I didn't feel at all modest with all the attention I was garnering. And it doesn't actually specifically say in the Qur'an to cover your hair (and I knew nothing about the ahadith in those days). So I would duck the question and say that I wore it because I felt like it. But in the end, I took it off. I just felt too weird. So instead, I did like you, and tied my hair back (and kept my loose clothes).
Well, time passed. And my knowledge of Islam slowly grew. I studied Arabic for a couple of years (until I could take no more summer classes), read every serious book on Islam I could lay my hands on (no matter how awful the translation…), obtained various translations of the Qur'an, and finally started to realize that I could slowly read and translate the original. I also started meeting Muslim women who wore scarves. By the time I was 32, I started to have the inner strength to take on the challenge that the headscarf represented. Because it
is a huge challenge in our society.
I thought about the headscarf, but I felt torn. Because I wasn't sure if it was really necessary. And because it evoked a subtle revulsion in me.
While pondering this one day, I happened to miss my bus, and another wasn't due for half an hour. So I went into a nearby second-hand bookstore (lovely places!!!), and I “happened” (smile. Allah Sends us what we need...) to come across the Ancient Greek play by Aristophanes,
Lysistrata.
It looked rather entertaining. It was about a fictitious revolt of the women of Athens, who want to end the wars that their husbands keep being called away on. And I came upon the following passage:
LYSISTRATA (the leading woman)
...Now in turn you're to hold tongue, as we did, and listen while we show
the way to recover the nation.
MAGISTRATE (a man)
_You_talk to _us!_ Why, you're mad. I'll not stand it.
LYSISTRATA
Cease babbling, you fool; till I end, hold your tongue.
MAGISTRATE
If I should take orders from one who wears veils, may my
neck straightaway be deservedly wrung.
LYSISTRATA
O if that keeps pestering you,
I've a veil here for your hair,
I'll fit you out in everything
As is only fair.
http://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/7700/pg7700.txt
And a light flashed in my mind. And I remembered a scene from the Disney cartoon
Beauty and the Beast, where the main female character Belle is being courted by the local lout and he is offering her the “privilege” of being his wife. Contemplating her dismal future as the overworked, disrespected and silent wife of the lout, she puts on a headscarf. But then she gains her inner strength, and says:
No! And simultaneously whips off her headscarf, while detailing her desire for freedom and expression.
I realized that well before the advent of the Qur'an (by at least athousand years), the idea was firmly anchored in Greek culture (which was to be adopted by the Romans, and then across Europe), that a woman was inferior. And that the
sign of her inferiority was her veil. If she removed it, then, she was free. She was equal. She could think (the ancient Greeks didn't tconsider women as quite human). She could act.
No wonder I felt a subtle revulsion! I did not want to be stripped of my dignity!
I pursued the question. I next asked myself: well, how is this scarf viewed by Arabs and/or Muslims? Is it symbolically the same? Because through my life experiences, I had learnt that different cultures attach different symbolic meanings to things. An owl, for instance, may be a symbol of wisdom in one culture... and a symbol of stupidity in another!
The internet was now available to search for books on amazon. I scoured this new resource. And found
Veil:Modesty, Privacy and Resistance by Fadwa El Guindi. It was very interesting. Covering one's body (for men as well as women, incidentally), at least historically (and somewhat in the present, as there is an ancient Greek influence in post-colonial times, I find), was viewed as a symbol of the upperclass. Of the free woman. Of autonomy, dignity and strength. Of the woman's body as a sacred space.
Now ,turning over these ideas in my mind, I asked myself the next question:
What is Allah's Will?
So I started to read a lot of different materials, from the passages quoted from the Qur'an (and
multiple commentaries on these passages), to Jeffrey Lang's
Even Angels Ask (he has a very interesting perspective. I think you'd enjoy it. He discusses the
khimar. And yes, he is a Muslim), to feminist tracts, to booklets in English and Urdu, trying to convince me that as the word “hijab” occurs in the Qur'an, that this meant the Qur'an clearly was stating that a headscarf was mandatory (note: the word
hijab means something else than it's modern-day connotation).
The commotion in my head was deafening. I felt like covering my ears and crying out: enough!!!
It was necessary to clear all the noise away, and quietly search for His Will. I read the Qur'an. By myself. And asked Allah for some help.
And the answer was simple: the real question was actually:
Is hair a sexual marker? That is, does it play a role in human sexuality? Because if it doesn't, there is no need to cover it. But if it does, I could see no reason not to wear one. Eyes need to see. Hands need to work (actually, forearms, too in some situations, and this has been studied and approved of by scholars in the past). The nose and mouth are debatable. But hair? You can see and sense the world around you perfectly well with a headscarf. You can talk, no problem. You can run marathons. You can do anything you like.
So is hair a sexual marker? Well, there are reams of poetry and descriptive passages in literature of all genres that would certainly lead one to think so. There is also the tendency of women to expend a great deal of effort to highlight their hair in some way (colour, thickness, styles...).
But what about science? And then I came across a study (and I'm very sorry, but I don't have the reference for this, it was just a paper article, and I believe I saw a video clip on this, too. But you can google the topic. There's a lot of info out there on sexual signalling, including regarding a woman's hair). The researchers had noted that when women were attracted to a man, they played with their hair more.
And I asked myself: why is this so?
And it was clear to me that my hair
was a sexual marker.
And just as I do not wear make-up, or decorations, or peek-a-boo clothes (outside of marital contexts), I realized that I did not want to have my hair on display. (smile) Actually, I was seized by a sudden, and unexpected, wish to wear a niqab! I
really liked the idea of having my own private sacred space! But I knew my society. And I felt that I could push the envelope of acceptability with a headscarf (just!), but that the niqab would evoke too much revulsion.
And so, when I was about 33, I started to wear a headscarf.
And that is my story, Eien. (smile) I hope it may be of some use to you.
May Allah Guide us all.