Polygamy in Islam

[Abdul Rafay]

This was a fatwa from Darul Uloom Deoband on polygamy some years ago.

Question: 38097 India

I am married since last 9 years and have 2 children. During my college days I had one way love on a Muslim girl but she did not accept it then. But today after so many years she is not getting married due to some problem with her hair, she has lost 2-3 inches hairs from front and due to which she is not getting married and now we are again in contact and again I gave her my proposal for marriage and she accepted it and now we are planning to get married, she has no problem of me married, also she knows that I have 2 children and then also she is ready. So please advice me whether it will be good for me to marry second time?

Answer: 38097 Apr 10,2012

(Fatwa: 776/655/B=1433)

According to Shariah, it is lawful to keep two wives at the same time but it is not generally acceptable in Indian custom. Here in India it is like to invite hundreds of problems to keep two wives. Moreover, the husband generally cannot maintain justice and equality between two wives. Hence it is better to have only one wife as the Quran said:

فان لمَ تَعْدِلُواْ فَوَاحِدَةً

You should discard the idea of second marriage; otherwise you would feel sorry later.

Allah (Subhana Wa Ta’ala) knows Best

Darul Ifta,
Darul Uloom Deoband

It is also the position of the Shafii and Hanbali schools of Islamic thought that it is best and also sunnah to restrict oneself to only one wife.

The reasoning their scholars provided for that is that injustice between two wives is haram, therefore it is better to avoid the risk of committing injustice in polygamy by avoiding polygamy altogether, even if one believes that he can be equitable between two women.

Here are some of the quotes from classical works of these scholars.

Ash-Shaafi’i is of the view that it is desirable to confine oneself to marrying only one although it is permissible for him to marry more than one. This is to avoid being unfair by being more inclined to some of them than others, or being unable to financially support them. [al-Hawi al-Kabir 11/417]

Ash-Shirbeeni from the Shaafi’i School of jurisprudence, said in Mughni al-Muhtaj 4/207: “It is a Sunnah not to marry more than one wife if there is no apparent need.” [End of quote]

Moreover, Al-Maawardi, from the Shaafi’i School of jurisprudence, said: “Allaah has permitted a man to marry up to four wives, saying: {…two or three or four…}, but Allaah advised that it is desirable for man to marry only one wife, saying: {…But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one} [al-Hawi al-Kabir 11/417]

Ibn Qudaamah may Allaah have mercy upon him from the Hanbali School of jurisprudence, said in Ash-Sharh Al-Kabeer: “It is more appropriate to marry only one wife. The author of Al-Muharrar [i.e. Abul Barakaat Al-Majd ibn Taymiyyah] said this, based on the saying of Allaah (which means) {…But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one}.” [End of quote from Ash-Sharh Al-Kabeer authored by Shams-ud-deen Ibn Qudaamah]

Shaykh Ibn Uthaymeen may Allaah have mercy upon him said: “It is safer to restrict oneself to only one wife. However, if one sees that one wife is not enough for him and he cannot maintain his chastity by having only one wife, then we enjoin him to marry a second, a third, or a fourth, until he feels comfortable, lowers his gaze, and enjoys peace of mind.” [Excerpt from Ash-Sharh Al-Mumti’]

Imam Ahmed ibn Naqib al Masri said‘’It is fitter to confine oneself to just one’’ [Umdatu Salik]

Imam Ghazali said in his kitab al nikah: “It does not call for two wives, [since] plurality may render life miserable and disrupt the affairs of the home.”

Also 99.99% of polygamous marriages which I have known have been a brutal catastrophe, especially in the West. Men abuse this a lot, thus tarnishing this institution. Many wives and children, especially the first wife are abused in polygamous marriages and many are even abandoned for a second wife.

This is the case with both practising Muslims -who often dump their wives on welfare benefits- and non-practising Muslims-many of whom even have illegitimate relationships with women before marrying them.

[ardianto]

If you have two pairs of shoes that really same, you will be easy to like these shoes equally because you don't feel any difference. But if you have two pairs of shoes that different, automatically you will like one shoes more than the another. It's because you feel the difference between these two shoes.

This is why a man can't be fair if he has more than one wife. It's because every woman is different. If you have two wives, then you will feel the difference between them and it will automatically makes you love one wife more than the another. This is something that inevitable.

[MuslimInshallah]

Hmm. I don't know that I agree with the original ruling.


(twinkle) So let's have a look at this....


It seems to me that there are 5 elements that need to be considered.

1. The children
2. The first wife
3. The husband
4. The potential second wife
5. Indian society

The children need to be protected. Their need for physical and emotional security is very great. If the husband marries a second time, will this be compromised to any great degree? It should also be noted that if the man marries again, there may be more children. They also need to be protected. There is nothing in the question that suggests they will be seriously compromised, but this is something that, to my mind, a serious giver of fatawa should look into. The greatest harm from this arrangement (if the husband is able to look after his family), I suspect, is from the emotional upset that may be felt by the first wife. Children are very sensitive to their parent's (but especially mother's) feelings.


The first wife is an unknown quantity in this affair. Her wishes and feelings have not really have been considered. They have been assumed. This is not respecting her agency. She should have been consulted, in my opinion. All women are different. Some are more flexible than others. Her feelings can vary depending on how loved the first wife feels, how she views the concept of family, how she feels about the family finances, how much she is influenced by her friends and family members, how much she wants to retain her husband, and other influences. Each person is unique.


The husband does not seem like a serial seducer. Such men feel the need to seduce multiple women in order to bolster their weak inner selves. He is actually showing a lot of loyalty and attachment in his character. The second woman he wants to marry is obviously someone whom he loves. She is not beautiful, nor young, and there is nothing that indicated that she is wealthy (though that should be investigated in order to rule out baser motives that could be damaging to the second woman). He is also not trying to dump his first wife and children. He appears, from the little we are presented with, to be a mature and responsible man. Who is in love.


The second woman has not been considered at all. And yet, she is likely to suffer a great deal if she cannot marry this man. She no longer has youth nor beauty, nor even children. Her situation is very difficult. Should she be expected to remain celibate and alone all her life? This is very cruel. It is very hard for a woman to be alone, harder than for a man (in general). A man generally has greater sexual needs, but a woman generally has greater emotional needs. And the pain of being alone can be very great for a woman. Particularly as she has not even children. Allah has permitted multiple marriage precisely so that no one need suffer this pain (as well as for protecting children and society from extra-marital sexual activity). When a woman has many marital options, then multiple marriage is not necessary. But this is not the case here.


The society we live in has also to be considered. It is stated in the responder's answer that Indian society is not comfortable with multiple marriage. Indeed, it seems to me that this is the primary motivator of the responder's answer. And the fact that multiple marriage is badly seen needs to be considered. It may make it harder for the husband to be employed. It may bring hurtful comments to both women, as well as their children. Also, is it even possible to marry two wives? Or is it illegal? Are there sanctions? Would the possible children of the second wife be considered illegitimate? Would this harm them?


On the other hand, will Indian society protect and maintain this second woman if she can find no husband? Does it offer mechanisms to help her find a husband? Have children? Can she be respected if she is not married? Are there ways of circumventing the law? Would the first wife be open to the idea of challenging the law?


There are so many points and questions that the responder has not considered. Frankly, I feel very uncomfortable with such fatawa based on so little information and consideration. People's lives are more important than a quick copy-and-paste answer, in my opinion. Each person, and group of people, should be considered in their entirety.


But only Allah truly Knows.

[MuslimInshallah]

If you have two pairs of shoes that really same, you will be easy to like these shoes equally because you don't feel any difference. But if you have two pairs of shoes that different, automatically you will like one shoes more than the another. It's because you feel the difference between these two shoes.

This is why a man can't be fair if he has more than one wife. It's because every woman is different. If you have two wives, then you will feel the difference between them and it will automatically makes you love one wife more than the another. This is something that inevitable.

(twinkle) I'm not sure that, as a woman, I would like to be compared to a pair of shoes...


(smile) Perhaps a better analogy would be to one's children.


Say you have 2 children... (ok (smile),I'm cheating, as I know you do). They are probably very different from one another. Do you love one more than the other?


Some people do love one child more than the other. They may not like to admit it, but it is so. I've seen enough of such cases. However, loving and healthy families will tell you that they love each child for his or her uniqueness. Some children are easier to deal with than others, but they are all loveable and beautiful. Loving parents will say that their love does not divide among children, rather that it multiplies.


I believe that it is possible to love more than one person simultaneously. But it depends on the individual. Not everyone is capable of it.


Which is why, in my opinion, each situation needs to be considered individually and carefully.

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[Abdul Rafay]

Hmm. I don't know that I agree with the original ruling.


(twinkle) So let's have a look at this....


It seems to me that there are 5 elements that need to be considered.

1. The children
2. The first wife
3. The husband
4. The potential second wife
5. Indian society

The children need to be protected. Their need for physical and emotional security is very great. If the husband marries a second time, will this be compromised to any great degree? It should also be noted that if the man marries again, there may be more children. They also need to be protected. There is nothing in the question that suggests they will be seriously compromised, but this is something that, to my mind, a serious giver of fatawa should look into. The greatest harm from this arrangement (if the husband is able to look after his family), I suspect, is from the emotional upset that may be felt by the first wife. Children are very sensitive to their parent's (but especially mother's) feelings.


The first wife is an unknown quantity in this affair. Her wishes and feelings have not really have been considered. They have been assumed. This is not respecting her agency. She should have been consulted, in my opinion. All women are different. Some are more flexible than others. Her feelings can vary depending on how loved the first wife feels, how she views the concept of family, how she feels about the family finances, how much she is influenced by her friends and family members, how much she wants to retain her husband, and other influences. Each person is unique.


The husband does not seem like a serial seducer. Such men feel the need to seduce multiple women in order to bolster their weak inner selves. He is actually showing a lot of loyalty and attachment in his character. The second woman he wants to marry is obviously someone whom he loves. She is not beautiful, nor young, and there is nothing that indicated that she is wealthy (though that should be investigated in order to rule out baser motives that could be damaging to the second woman). He is also not trying to dump his first wife and children. He appears, from the little we are presented with, to be a mature and responsible man. Who is in love.


The second woman has not been considered at all. And yet, she is likely to suffer a great deal if she cannot marry this man. She no longer has youth nor beauty, nor even children. Her situation is very difficult. Should she be expected to remain celibate and alone all her life? This is very cruel. It is very hard for a woman to be alone, harder than for a man (in general). A man generally has greater sexual needs, but a woman generally has greater emotional needs. And the pain of being alone can be very great for a woman. Particularly as she has not even children. Allah has permitted multiple marriage precisely so that no one need suffer this pain (as well as for protecting children and society from extra-marital sexual activity). When a woman has many marital options, then multiple marriage is not necessary. But this is not the case here.


The society we live in has also to be considered. It is stated in the responder's answer that Indian society is not comfortable with multiple marriage. Indeed, it seems to me that this is the primary motivator of the responder's answer. And the fact that multiple marriage is badly seen needs to be considered. It may make it harder for the husband to be employed. It may bring hurtful comments to both women, as well as their children. Also, is it even possible to marry two wives? Or is it illegal? Are there sanctions? Would the possible children of the second wife be considered illegitimate? Would this harm them?


On the other hand, will Indian society protect and maintain this second woman if she can find no husband? Does it offer mechanisms to help her find a husband? Have children? Can she be respected if she is not married? Are there ways of circumventing the law? Would the first wife be open to the idea of challenging the law?


There are so many points and questions that the responder has not considered. Frankly, I feel very uncomfortable with such fatawa based on so little information and consideration. People's lives are more important than a quick copy-and-paste answer, in my opinion. Each person, and group of people, should be considered in their entirety.


But only Allah truly Knows.

Something relevant to the points you raised sister.

Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Question: Can a husband marry a second wife without his first wife’s permission?


Answer: Walaikum assalam wa rahmatullah,

The fatwa of major Arab and Indo-Pak scholars is that it is generally wrong and unwise in our times to marry a second wife, without consulting wise and knowledgeable scholars (even though it is in itself permitted), because of the harm and mess that inevitably results:

a) the harm to the first wife;
b) the troubles with the second wife when the first is upset;
c) the harm of not giving both their legal, emotional, and material rights;
d) the harm to family relations;
e) and, also vitally, the harm to one’s children…

Marrying another woman is not just a question of providing for both…

Faraz Rabbani
Wassalam

SeekersGuidance - Can a Husband Marry a Second Wife Without His First Wife?s Permission? ? Answers

[Abdul Rafay]

......

[MuslimInshallah]

Mmm, Aseer Magnesium, did you read my post?

In the original ruling you posted, the question of the first wife's consent wasn't even raised. She wasn't even consulted. And I believe that her views should have been sought.

I happen to agree that the first wife should be consulted. It is not fair and it is cruel to just spring these things on her. The husband, if he is caring, should seek her views well before engaging himself even in looking for another wife, let alone asking the second to marry. And it is also cruel to the second woman (who is almost always forgotten, it seems), if he leads her to believe that he is available, and offers to marry her…then retracts his offer. She may have fallen in love with him by this point, and could also be very hurt.

But real life is messy. And so, it is always necessary to consider all parties and circumstances when making rulings. Five-minute fatawa are not appropriate, in my opinion.

[ardianto]

(twinkle) I'm not sure that, as a woman, I would like to be compared to a pair of shoes...


(smile) Perhaps a better analogy would be to one's children.


Say you have 2 children... (ok (smile),I'm cheating, as I know you do). They are probably very different from one another. Do you love one more than the other?


Some people do love one child more than the other. They may not like to admit it, but it is so. I've seen enough of such cases. However, loving and healthy families will tell you that they love each child for his or her uniqueness. Some children are easier to deal with than others, but they are all loveable and beautiful. Loving parents will say that their love does not divide among children, rather that it multiplies.


I believe that it is possible to love more than one person simultaneously. But it depends on the individual. Not everyone is capable of it.


Which is why, in my opinion, each situation needs to be considered individually and carefully.

After I wrote that post I just realized that could cause protest from sisters here. Sorry, that just analogy. [smile]

I indeed have two children, 16 and 10 years old boy. There are many differences between them. I give money and material things to the eldest more than the youngest due to his bigger needs. But I love them equally.

A father may give material things to his children unequally, but he can love all of them equally. A husband may be fair in financial matter and in giving time to all of his wives. But can he loves all of his wives equally?. The answer is no.

Although women in general have similarities, every woman must be different than other women. Every woman has her own character, personality and background which different. It affect a man's feeling on her. Every woman treat a man differently too. It affect the comfortability level that felt by this man. These two factors affect the love of this man.

A man can love more than one woman simultaneously, but he cannot love all of these women equally. Of course, there are men who can try to be equal in loving all of his wives, but a wife can feel if her husband loves his another wife more than her. It affect her happiness.

happen to agree that the first wife should be consulted.

I know that you have an empathy to the second woman in the story, and maybe you think, that man wife must not be selfish and must let her husband to marry that second woman because his intention is only to help.

But if you were in position of that man’s wife, would you let your husband marry the another woman who he ever love in the past?.

You don’t need to answer this question sis, but I just hope you must not too fast to give a sympathy to one party without consider another party’s feeling.

Actually, the best way to help that second woman is try to find an unmarried man who is willing to marry her.

[سيف الله]

Salaam

Loving somebody 'equally', what does that mean? The love you have for those closest to you changes, it can be constant or it can wax and wane. Trying to apply abstract concepts in real life can lead to many problems, life's just too complicated.

I think we have to be careful on jumping on the anti polygamy bandwagon. Ideally I would prefer monogamy but as long as all parties think through the benefits, pitfalls and complexities that go with polygamous marriage and agree to it then I don't see a problem.

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum Ardianto,


I hope that I have empathy for all the people in this story. Empathy means that you can put yourself in a person's place, that you can understand them, through a realization of their feelings. Empathy also lays the groundwork for compassion. Compassion is how you behave because of what empathy has taught you.


You also mentioned sympathy. This is less than empathy. It's feeling sorry for someone's suffering, though you don't understand it.


I'll give you an example. You see someone crying in the masjid. You feel sympathy for them. They seem sad. Then someone tells you that this person's mother just died. If you can empathize, it means you can understand the pain this person is feeling. The feeling of loss and grief is echoed somehow within you. If you cannot empathize, you'll just think: oh, poor man, he's suffering... and you cannot go beyond sympathy.


But if you understand this man's grief, you may think of what may be comforting to him, and reach out and hug this man. Perhaps you will tell him that it's ok to cry. Or perhaps you will invite him home and listen to what he needs to say. Or perhaps you will give him a good meal and your companionship. Perhaps all of these things (this is somewhat culturally-based).These acts are compassionate ones. Your empathy causes you to understand what this man is feeling, and how you can best alleviate this grief. And your compassion causes you to reach out and do something to alleviate this grief.


In the story of the man who wants to marry a second wife, it seems to me that you are empathizing only with the first wife. It is rather curious. Generally men would empathize the most with the man... A man who is very much in love with his first sweetheart, and wants to alleviate her suffering (his intention is not only to help. He loves her...).


You asked me: would I ever let my husband marry a woman he'd previously loved?


I would say: in this case, it is not a question of previously. He still does. And men have been known to abandon their wives and children for another woman... if forced into choosing. I would advise caution to the first wife. And even if he stays with the first wife, and breaks his promise of marriage to the second woman, this obligation can poison his marriage with his first wife (I have known of such a case...even after more than 30 years, the unhappiness can remain between spouses. And the first wife can still be jealous of the other woman. And the husband can still feel resentment towards his wife).


As for me, personally? Well, curiously enough, the question of a second wife been presented to me twice before, while I was married, though not quite the same setting as the story, of course. And I can tell you: yes, I could live with this. Partly because I can empathize with both the man and the second woman, and I would want to minimize their pain. And partly because family is such an important thing to me, that the idea of a (possibly loving) sister-wife appeals to me. And having more children to love appeals to me. And having more siblings for my children appeals to me. For me, love multiplies, not divides.


And this is what I've been trying to say: each person is unique. Each set of circumstances is unique. We cannot judge only from one angle. We must try to embrace all the people involved and try to find a solution that works for the actual, real people who are asking for advice.


If you, Ardianto, cannot love more than one woman, then I accept that this is who you are. And there is nothing wrong with you. It's just your character. But not all men are you. Perhaps some can make this work (actually, I know one family for whom this works very well. Not in Canada, though).


Some women cannot accept another woman. I know this is true. The first wife can be terribly hurt. And this needs to be acknowledged and taken into account. But some women can accept another woman. And some women can come to accept it, when they realize that their husband still cares for them (if he is the kind of man who can). And some women wouldn't mind not being the favoured wife, as long as their husband was kind with them. They may be grateful for even just a little love. And this also needs to be acknowledged and taken into account.


Is it hard? Yes. Is it something to engage in if there are other marital possibilities? I would advise not.


Still, there are always exceptional circumstances. For instance, I know a family where the wife had a stroke more than a year ago. She is partially paralyzed, and her mental functioning is not what is used to be. She is in hospital still. She will probably never recover. Should her husband not have any options other than either leaving her or remaining celibate and alone...?


You finish pleading your case with the remark that the best thing to do is to try to find a man who is willing to marry the second woman. Well, you know, this is easier said than done! Men may complain that women look for wealth and success. Well, women complain that men look for youth and beauty! And it is true. A man can marry anytime (except when he is very young;then it is harder). As he gets older, it is easier and easier. He can wait and take his time to chose. But for a woman... who wants to marry an old woman? An unattractive woman? And who is going to find such a husband for this woman?


I have looked in the hopeful face of a woman who was about 55. She was missing a couple of teeth in her smile. She was not beautiful. She looked worn and tired. She wasn't a very clever woman. Nor did she have very good manners. She'd lived a rough and difficult life, I think. She was relatively new to Islam...But she looked at me with the hunger of an abandoned child who hopes she will be adopted “Do you think there's a man out there for me?” she asked, eagerly, shyly, hopefully “Could you recommend a (marriage) site for me?”


And I could have cried.


May The Kind and Generous Open our hearts, and Help us find ways and solutions.

[ardianto]

Wa'alaikumsalam, sister MuslimInshallah.

Late of June before Ramadan in reunion event, I met my ex-classmate in secondary school who never met me for long time. She is woman, and still unmarried although she is already in mid of 40's. We talked for long time enough. And yes, I could feel that she keep a grief in her heart. I knew, deep in her heart she really expects to get married. But there's no man who want to marry her.

Yes, I have empathy for her. But, should I marry her as my new wife to alleviate her grief?.

Back to the story. I can understand if you have empathy to the second woman in the story, and to the man who was willing to marry her. But you were wonder why seem like I have empathy only to that man's wife.

We look at this case from different point of view. You see the second woman as someone who need help, and that man is the person who wants to help her. And you feel disappointed why there are people who prevent him help this woman.

I myself see this case as not same with cases which a husband attracted to another woman and want to marry her. In case like this, if people prevent him to marry this another woman, probably you would agree. But you have different view on the story above because you think, if the man in story does not marry the second woman, then who will marry her?.

I think this is the reason why you also write the story of 55 years old woman who still want to get married in the last of your post. You want to show people that there are women who really expect to get married, but there are no men who want to marry them.

If seem like I am empathizing only to the first wife, it's because she is his wife. That man is already married. Has a wife and children who maybe feel happy with him. And if suddenly another woman come in the family as second wife, would his family still happy?.

Not everyone is same. Not every woman can accept another woman beside her husband. Not every child can accept the second mother.

Basically every man can love more than one woman. I can too. But I decided to love only one woman because I didn't want to hurt my wife and my children if I take another woman as my second wife. Yes, not every man is same in this matter.

Back To the event when I met my ex-classmate. I could feel that she kept a grief, and I could see that she actually felt another grief. She was sitting in front of single man, but she realize that this single man is not for her. I could see it in her eyes. I am sure, she heard when a female there announce a news loudly “Hey everyone!, Ardianto now is being single again!”.

“Should I marry her and make her happy?”. This question really appeared in my mind in that moment. Yes, she has good behavior, and seem like has good sense of motherhood. But there’s something that made my heart say no.

Sister, you can criticize me, or angry to me. But I will admit something honestly. Just like other men, I have a standard of beauty too in choosing a life-partner. And my standard is high enough. That’s why my wife was beautiful. The previous girl was beautiful too.

Then, should I try to find an unmarried man who is willing to marry her?. You’re right, sis, easier said than done. Other man have standard of beauty too which usually high enough.

Sadly, life often unfair.

[Predator]

A man can marry anytime (except when he is very young;then it is harder). As he gets older, it is easier and easier.

Not sure what you were thinking when you wrote that. Its a fact more and more men are getting rejected after crossing 30 and 35.Everything has its time an place and so does marriage

[Muhaba]

This was a fatwa from Darul Uloom Deoband on polygamy some years ago.

Question: 38097 India

I am married since last 9 years and have 2 children. During my college days I had one way love on a Muslim girl but she did not accept it then. But today after so many years she is not getting married due to some problem with her hair, she has lost 2-3 inches hairs from front and due to which she is not getting married and now we are again in contact and again I gave her my proposal for marriage and she accepted it and now we are planning to get married, she has no problem of me married, also she knows that I have 2 children and then also she is ready. So please advice me whether it will be good for me to marry second time?

Answer: 38097 Apr 10,2012

(Fatwa: 776/655/B=1433)

According to Shariah, it is lawful to keep two wives at the same time but it is not generally acceptable in Indian custom. Here in India it is like to invite hundreds of problems to keep two wives. Moreover, the husband generally cannot maintain justice and equality between two wives. Hence it is better to have only one wife as the Quran said:

فان لمَ تَعْدِلُواْ فَوَاحِدَةً

You should discard the idea of second marriage; otherwise you would feel sorry later.

Allah (Subhana Wa Ta’ala) knows Best

Darul Ifta,
Darul Uloom Deoband

Yes, he should marry her, if he is sure that he can treat both wives well, that his love for the second woman won't wane after the initial excitement of being able to be with someone he was in love with (after all, she is not the same person anymore - she has changed over the years and that may affect his love for her), and if he is sure that he is strong and religious enough to be able to resist any cultural or family pressures.

We should not allow culture to affect our decisions, as long as they are Islamically appropriate. The Prophet (SAW) had to marry Zainab (R) which was not accepted in the culture at that time. But Allah told him not to be afraid of what people would say but to fear only Allah. If everyone tries, then incorrect cultures can change. Only Allah can make a thing haram or halal. People, family, or culture cannot make something halal haram.

[Abdul Rafay]

Yes, he should marry her, if he is sure that he can treat both wives well, that his love for the second woman won't wane after the initial excitement of being able to be with someone he was in love with (after all, she is not the same person anymore - she has changed over the years and that may affect his love for her), and if he is sure that he is strong and religious enough to be able to resist any cultural or family pressures.

We should not allow culture to affect our decisions, as long as they are Islamically appropriate. The Prophet (SAW) had to marry Zainab (R) which was not accepted in the culture at that time. But Allah told him not to be afraid of what people would say but to fear only Allah. If everyone tries, then incorrect cultures can change. Only Allah can make a thing haram or halal. People, family, or culture cannot make something halal haram.

Culture can actually be a part of Islam.

In Islamic jurisprudence there is a principle called 'urf' or 'custom'. It is one of the basis principles of Islamic jurisprudence. All those who have studied usool ul fiqh know this.

I am sorry but your advice directly contradits the advice of the scholars who gave the fatawaa.

There is no reason for any man to risk his akhirah by marrying a second wife.

Many scholars advise against polygamy, and rightfully so, because of the highly enlargened risk of injustice.

Scholars have even gone so far as to declare the restriction to one wife a sunnah.

Ash-Shirbeeni from the Shaafi’i School of jurisprudence, said in Mughni al-Muhtaj 4/207: “It is a Sunnah not to marry more than one wife if there is no apparent need.” [End of quote]

[Abu Zallaq]

Culture can actually be a part of Islam.

In Islamic jurisprudence there is a principle called 'urf' or 'custom'. It is one of the basis principles of Islamic jurisprudence. All those who have studied usool ul fiqh know this.

I am sorry but your advice directly contradits the advice of the scholars who gave the fatawaa.

There is no reason for any man to risk his akhirah by marrying a second wife.

Many scholars advise against polygamy, and rightfully so, because of the highly enlargened risk of injustice.

Scholars have even gone so far as to declare the restriction to one wife a sunnah.

Ash-Shirbeeni from the Shaafi’i School of jurisprudence, said in Mughni al-Muhtaj 4/207: “It is a Sunnah not to marry more than one wife if there is no apparent need.” [End of quote]

Dear fellow seeker of Allah,

I would sincerely be in your debt if you could produce more sourcing and documentation as to this prudential juristic tradition.

In Eden, monogamy was the first institute of God... Please inform me, if possible, further of this Islamic tradition retaining the "Lex Primordialis"...

[ardianto]

Story of someone

There was a man who interested to a woman in his college. But this woman say "No!" when this man tell her that he want to be her boyfriend. It make this man disappointed, but then he says to himself "It's okay, there are many other women". Later this man meet another woman and marries her. They have two children.

One day, accidentally this man meet again with the girl from college, and they start to make contact. Secretly of course, because if his wife knows, his wife would be angry. This man already married, but he still make contact with a woman who he ever interested in the past.

From this contact he knows that this woman still unmarried, and she says, it's because she has problem with her hair. This man who still has interest to this woman see it as an opportunity to get her. So he tell her "How if I marry you as my second wife?". This woman agree. But suddenly this man feel guilty because he has cheat his wife. So he ask scholar to give fatwa for him to marry this woman because he think it will reduce his guilty feeling in cheat his wife.


(Written by Ardianto. Based on his knowledge of the husband's behavior)

[Muhaba]

Culture can actually be a part of Islam.

In Islamic jurisprudence there is a principle called 'urf' or 'custom'. It is one of the basis principles of Islamic jurisprudence. All those who have studied usool ul fiqh know this.

I am sorry but your advice directly contradits the advice of the scholars who gave the fatawaa.

There is no reason for any man to risk his akhirah by marrying a second wife.

Many scholars advise against polygamy, and rightfully so, because of the highly enlargened risk of injustice.

Scholars have even gone so far as to declare the restriction to one wife a sunnah.

Ash-Shirbeeni from the Shaafi’i School of jurisprudence, said in Mughni al-Muhtaj 4/207: “It is a Sunnah not to marry more than one wife if there is no apparent need.” [End of quote]

I don't think this is a matter on which one needs to get a fatwa. When Ali (R) wanted to remarry while being married to Fatima (R), although the Prophet (SAW) was opposed to the idea, he clearly said that he wasn't making haram something that Allah had made halal.
Thus, a fatwa that states that one shouldn't marry a second wife cannot be regarded a final ruling but should be considered in light of the circumstances. Simply saying that since the culture of an area is not favorable to a second marriage, therefore one should not remarry is not correct. The fact is that multiple wives are not only allowed in Islam but could be regarded the preferable option because of the way the verse about multiple wives is worded. The verse doesn't make multiple marriages the exception or an allowance. The wording of the verse seems to show that multiple marriages have the precedence.
The verse is as follows: And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice]. Surah Al-Nisa, verse 3.

As you can see, Allah says to marry two, three, or four women. But if one cannot be just among them, then he should marry one.
So, I think that multiple marriages takes precedence over one marriage and only when one can't be just among his wives should he refrain from marrying another wife. (But I could be wrong since my knowledge on the topic is limited.)

I don't know how scholars can say that marrying one wife is the Sunnah. What is the evidence for that? The Prophet (SAW) and the companions had multiple wives. Of course, they married divorcees and widows and not just unmarried women. So, one shouldn't marry multiple wives for lust reasons but also to ensure that no woman (included previously married ones) are without a husband.

As far as 'urf' is concerned, it is not the main source of fiqh. The main sources of fiqh (that has been agreed upon by all Muslims) are the Quran and Sunnah and Ijma and Qiyas. As for Urf, it is one of those on which all Muslims are not in agreement. According to the Shafiee school of thought, custom can only be used as a basis for a fiqh ruling if it has been approved by the Quran or Sunnah. Furthermore, all scholars are in agreement that one condition for following 'urf (tradition / custom) is that it should not go against any ruling in the Quran, Sunnah, or Ijma (consensus). If a custom goes against an Islamic ruling, then that custom is incorrect and inacceptable. For example, the custom of men and women mixing together or the custom of taking interest, or the custom of men wearing gold and silk, or the custom of women not covering in front of their brothers-in-law.


According to books of Fiqh, the basis of having 'urf as part of fiqh is verse 199 of Surah Al-Araf:
خذ العفو و أمر بالعرف و أعرض عن الجاهلين

The translation of this verse is:
Hold to forgiveness; command what is right; But turn away from the ignorant. (Quran.com)

(199. Show forgiveness, enjoin Al-'Urf (the good), and turn away from the foolish (don't punish them). ) Quran Tafsir Ibn Kathir - Idols do not create, help, or have Power over Anything

Linguistically, urf means good, right.
The tafsir in Tafheemul-Quran is as follows:
(2) The second key to the success in da'wah work is to stay away from excessive theorizing and intellectual hair-splitting. One should rather call people in clear and simple terms to those virtues which are recognized as such by the generality of mankind and appeal to common sense. The great advantage of this method is that the Message of Islam finds its way right to the hearts of people at all levels of understanding. Those who then seek to oppose the Message are soon exposed and end up antagonizing the common people. For when the common people obserse on the one hand decent and righteous people being opposed for the simple reason that they are inviting people to universally-known virtues, and on the other hand observe those opponents resorting to all kinds of immoral and inhuman means, they are bound to incline to support the standard bearers of truth and righteousness. This process goes on until a point where the only opponents left are those whose self-interest is inextricably linked with the prevailing unrighteous system, or those's who have been totally blinded by their bigoted adherence to ancestral tradition or by their irrational biases.
The wisdom underlying the Prophet's method accounts for his phenomenal success and for the speedy spread of Islam in and around Arabia within a short span of time. People flocked to Islam in vast numbers so much so that in some lands eighty and ninety per cent of the population embraced Islam. In fact there are even instances of a hundred per cent of the population embracing Islam.
Tafheem - Quran English Translation

The following is from the tafsir in Ibn Kathir:

Showing Forgiveness



`Abdur-Rahman bin Zayd bin Aslam commented on Allah's statement,

﴿خُذِ الْعَفْوَ﴾

(Show forgiveness) "Allah commanded ﴿Prophet Muhammad ﴾ to show forgiveness and turn away from the idolators for ten years. Afterwards Allah ordered him to be harsh with them.'' And more than one narration from Mujahid says, "From the ﴿bad﴾ behavior and actions of the people, of those who have not committed espionage.'' And Hashim bin `Urwah said that his father said, "Allah ordered Allah's Messenger to pardon the people for their behavior.'' And in one narration, "pardon what I have allowed you of their behavior.



In Sahih Al-Bukhari it is recorded that Hisham reported from his father `Urwah from his brother `Abdullah bin Az-Zubayr who said; "﴿The Ayah﴾;

﴿خُذِ الْعَفْوَ﴾

(Show forgiveness) was only revealed about the peoples ﴿bad﴾ character.'' There is a narration from Mughirah from Hisham from his father from Ibn `Umar; and another from Hisham from his father from `A'ishah, both of whom said similarly. And Allah knows best. Ibn Jarir and Ibn Abi Hatim recorded that Yunus said that Sufyan bin `Uyaynah narrated that Umay said, "When Allah, the Exalted and Most Honored, revealed this Ayah,

﴿خُذِ الْعَفْوَ وَأْمُرْ بِالْعُرْفِ وَأَعْرِض عَنِ الْجَـهِلِينَ ﴾

(Show forgiveness, enjoin Al-`Urf (what is good), and turn away from the foolish) to His Prophet, the Messenger of Allah asked,

«مَا هَذَا يَا جِبْرِيل»

(`What does it mean, O Jibril) Jibril said, `Allah commands you to forgive those who wronged you, give to those who deprived you, and keep relations with those who cut theirs with you.''' Al-Bukhari said, "Allah said,

﴿خُذِ الْعَفْوَ وَأْمُرْ بِالْعُرْفِ وَأَعْرِض عَنِ الْجَـهِلِينَ ﴾

(Show forgiveness, enjoin Al-`Urf and turn away from the ignorant). `Al-`Urf', means, righteousness.''

[Muhaba]

Story of someone

(Written by Ardianto. Based on his knowledge of the husband's behavior)

No, it is wrong to see it that way. He may have simply learned of her situation through someone or a chance meeting, he felt sorry for her and still had feelings, and he wanted to marry her but then was undecided or afraid (possibly because of family pressures) so he consulted a scholar.

[ardianto]

No, it is wrong to see it that way. He may have simply learned of her situation through someone or a chance meeting, he felt sorry for her and still had feelings, and he wanted to marry her but then was undecided or afraid (possibly because of family pressures) so he consulted a scholar.

If this man and this woman ever made promise to marry each other before, I can understand if this man feel he has responsibility to marry this woman. But in fact what happened in college was, he interested to this woman, but this woman reject him. Notice what I quote from original post [During my college days I had one way love on a Muslim girl but she did not accept it then].

So if this woman then still unmarried, it's the result of her own decision that not the responsibility of this man.

And look another fact. This man already married, but he made contact with this woman which definitely secretly because his wife must be would not allow him to make personal contact that close like this. He still has a feeling to his woman, and this is why he wants to marry this woman.

If a married man see his female friend is in problem, maybe he will try to help, but not through marry her. Another thing you must know too is "I just wanted to help her" is a common argument of married men when their wives or people around them ask them why they got married again without telling the first wife.

I've ever be a husband for almost 19 years. I am a man, I grew up with men, I live among men. And I know how the men are.

Put yourself in the first wife position. And try to imagine if your husband secretly make contact with another woman he ever like in his past. Then he marry this another woman, and when you ask him his reason, he said he just want to help her. What you feel?.

Now imagine if you were a woman who ever reject a man who interested to you. But then there's no another man who propose marriage to you. It makes you unmarried. One day you meet again with this man, and you realize that he still has interest to you. What would you do?. I guess, you will see it as a chance to get married and then you try to make him marry you.

[Abdul Rafay]

The verse doesn't make multiple marriages the exception or an allowance. The wording of the verse seems to show that multiple marriages have the precedence.
The verse is as follows: And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice]. Surah Al-Nisa, verse 3.

As you can see, Allah says to marry two, three, or four women. But if one cannot be just among them, then he should marry one.
So, I think that multiple marriages takes precedence over one marriage and only when one can't be just among his wives should he refrain from marrying another wife. (But I could be wrong since my knowledge on the topic is limited.)

I don't know how scholars can say that marrying one wife is the Sunnah. What is the evidence for that? The Prophet (SAW) and the companions had multiple wives.

Tbh ukhti, I find what you wrote to be highly offensive. Not to me that does not matter. But to the scholars.

Laymen are not actually entitled to the daleel. They are bound to make taqleed of the scholars.

Nevertheless I happen to have learnt from a scholar some of the reasons for which these scholars prefer monogamy over polygamy.


And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice]. Surah Al-Nisa, verse 3.

This last part of the verse, according to scholars, means that confinement to one wife is better.

"That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice]."

So meaning, it is better to marry only one because if they marry more then they open themselves up to the possibility of doing injustice to their wives and getting more sins.

If you understand the logic behind these rulings, then you will understand the ruling better. Hanbalis say that it is haram to be non-just between wives, so the one who marries more than one woman, he exposes himself to the risk of becoming unjust, which is haram, that is why it is preferred not to do it. So you should not expose yourself to the risk of falling into haram.

They say that adl is difficult and therefore better to marry just one. As for the encouragement to marry 2,3 or 4 just before that, it has not been mentioned in order to encourage polygamy. It is mentioned in order to show that one may marry other women as one likes beside the orphan girls, so he should beware taking advantage of her condition to avoid paying the full mahr.

The end of the verse has two interpretations: "so that you not commit injustice"

"so that you not become burdened with financial dependents"

both are possible meanings of تعولوا

Al-Shafi'i favored the latter although the first is more famous. However the meaning of dhulm as a reason to not marry more than one can be taken from the middle of the verse. In al-Shafi'i's interpretation, the verse is actually giving two reasons to marry only one.

So your understanding of that verse is completely unfounded, I must say.

Al-Maawardi, from the Shaafi’i School of jurisprudence, said: “Allaah has permitted a man to marry up to four wives, saying: {…two or three or four…}, but Allaah advised that it is desirable for man to marry only one wife, saying: {…But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one} [al-Hawi al-Kabir 11/417]

Ibn Qudaamah may Allaah have mercy upon him from the Hanbali School of jurisprudence, said in Ash-Sharh Al-Kabeer: “It is more appropriate to marry only one wife. The author of Al-Muharrar [i.e. Abul Barakaat Al-Majd ibn Taymiyyah] said this, based on the saying of Allaah (which means) {…But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one}.” [End of quote from Ash-Sharh Al-Kabeer authored by Shams-ud-deen Ibn Qudaamah]

Allah knows best

[ardianto]

If a woman meet a man who she like, and this man already married, she would not mind to become his second wife because she has prepared herself for this. But if a woman get married with expectation to become the only wife, but then her husband married another woman, it would very hurt her feeling because she wasn't ready for this. Different than if this woman has prepared herself to accept another woman when getting married.

So my advice to unmarried brothers who intend to have more than one wife, you should be honest when you propose marriage. Tell her that after getting married you will have another wife. If she doesn't mind, just marry her. Do not ever lie to your first wife through make her think you will not marry another woman but then you get married again. It will hurt her heart.

Be honest. Let the woman you intend to become your first wife know that you want to have more than one wife. And the way to tell it is through her wali when you propose marriage. Tell her wali "Sir, I intend to marry your daughter, but after I married her I will take another wife". Wait for answer from her and her wali. If they do not mind with it, Alhamdulillah. If not?. It's not your luck.

:)

[greenhill]

Salaams.

If we were to look purely in the context of the ruling and not emotions, I would propose a slightly different angle. (I come from a polygamous family).

If we were to look at the messages in the Books, we will find fundamental increments in the teachings. The Zabur is about tauhid, the Torah about human ways (to do unto others....) the Bible teaches forgiveness, hence with that the Quran laid the laws for living in a society.

The Quran emphasises to take care of the weak. Who are they in a society? The widows and orphans. If there were no widows or orphans in any society, it would be a pretty strong one. Nobody gets left behind.

That's all on my thoughts. The rest is up to the individual looking at the polygamous relationship.


Peace :shade:

[Abdul Rafay]

Salaams.

If we were to look purely in the context of the ruling and not emotions, I would propose a slightly different angle. (I come from a polygamous family).

If we were to look at the messages in the Books, we will find fundamental increments in the teachings. The Zabur is about tauhid, the Torah about human ways (to do unto others....) the Bible teaches forgiveness, hence with that the Quran laid the laws for living in a society.

The Quran emphasises to take care of the weak. Who are they in a society? The widows and orphans. If there were no widows or orphans in any society, it would be a pretty strong one. Nobody gets left behind.

That's all on my thoughts. The rest is up to the individual looking at the polygamous relationship.


Peace :shade:

Just thought I'd share this fairly balanced discussion with Shaikh Faraz Rabbani on polygamy. It also refers to your points raised.

I believe that polygamy causes more harm than good, especially in our times.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LC3EoR3gOF0

[greenhill]

Just thought I'd share this fairly balanced discussion with Shaikh Faraz Rabbani on polygamy. It also refers to your points raised.

Really? Perhaps I would take a look... but I am not for or against polygamy. I believe very much that it depends on many factors.

I believe that polygamy causes more harm than good, especially in our times.

It is hard to say what it causes. I have, at the end of the day benefitted from it as I now have siblings that are very close to me and we help each other out a lot.

What I see is this. Often we would question Allah's laws. We feel 'uncomfortable' with it and our emotions get in the way. Islam is about submitting to the Will of Allah. Not about feeling comfortable. We are often tested and that is really not comfortable, but we ought to always remember that if we dealt with those tests with patience, the reward is ours to gain. Only, we do not know what they are (the rewards). But more often than not, we do not treat these tests with patience.

More to the point, too often the men chooses to get involved in a polygamous marriage for the wrong reasons.

Peace :shade:

[Abdul Rafay]

It is hard to say what it causes. I have, at the end of the day benefitted from it as I now have siblings that are very close to me and we help each other out a lot.

Its not hard to know what it causes. Scholars have known about the societal harms of polygamy for a long time. Its why many have advised against it.

In fact the eminent late Hanafi scholar Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi, despite being married to two wives himself, gave the fatwa that the general ruling for polygamy was that it was haram for the Muslim men of India in his times. And that was because of the immense harms of it, which have worsened immensely now in our times.

Of course there have always been exceptional cases like your family's but such stories are far from being the norm.

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum all,


Hmm, there are many interesting points in this discussion. First off, I'll mention that I watched the video recommended. “Fairly balanced” is not the way I would describe it. There were three people who were dead against polygyny, and one who perhaps had some very interesting inputs into the conversation,but who unfortunately couldn't adequately participate because he didn't speak English. The question of the harms suffered by older,divorced and widowed women (and their children) asked by the moderator was completely ignored by the panelists.


There was a lot of emphasis on the laws of Canada in this video...well, this is my home country, and even more, this is my home province, and I've already mentioned in a previous post (in the Law of Islam vs Law of the Land thread) that there are ways to protect the second wife under existing legislation. Also, there are polygnynous marriages in some religious sects (non-Muslim) in Canada, and no one dares touch them; frankly,if this was taken to court, there is a distinct possibility that the polygynists would win. And this is why no one dares take it to court. You know, here in Canada, we don't like to fight. People may have opinions on things, but we don't like to be confrontational. We all try to (more or less) respect one another and mind our own business (smile. Though if you base your knowledge on what is said anonymously on discussion boards, you might not think so! But in real life, this is so).


I believe that I have repeatedly stressed in previous posts that the interests of all parties concerned should be looked at. But it seems to me that there is a falling back onto stereotypes, especially of: the lecherous husband, the sweet and kind first wife, the opportunistic second wife and the laws of the “West”. Or, (smile) the stereotypes of the distressed second wife, the hard-hearted first wife, the gallant husband and the perfect Islamic state).


In reality, life is more complex than stereotypes. Husbands can be lecherous, yes. And they can also be decent human beings, too. I know a woman of 49 years with three grown children (one needs full-time care, though), who could not be described as pin-up girl material. But she has a sweet heart. A man wanted to marry her. Do you think he was motivated by simple lust?


The second woman is seen as opportunistic, and will do anything to “get” the man. Well, this isn't necessarily true, either. The above-mentioned friend would not marry without the permission of the man's first wife. The first wife refused. So, though she liked the man, and really would very much like to marry, she didn't marry him.


But was the “sweet and kind” first wife at all gracious or kindly towards her?


Or the other stereotype: I know a woman who was open to a second wife, if it was important to her husband, and also because she felt sorry for another woman and her children. But the second woman was just playing games (while still married, though she claimed it was all over). And the man was mostly motivated by a desire to make his wife jealous... to hurt her, so he could better control her.


Real life is never so neat as our stereotypes, and stereotypes hurt real people. And they do not honour the beauty of the individual before God.


We all have our own life experiences. And they colour how we see the world. But we must never forget that what is true for one, may not be true for another. Because if we forget this, then we really risk injustice.


When I consider the Qur'an, and the words and actions of the Prophet (PBUH), what strikes me over and over again, is how flexible and nuanced are the injunctions,recommendations and actions taken. One man may kiss his wife while fasting...while another man may not. One man may marry more than once...but it may be better if another does not. One should never renounce Allah...but perhaps it may be necessary to let it seem so...


No one of us can even imagine all the different combinations of situations that occur in real life. Could we not then, agree that we have only our small contributions,and that our own views may not be correct in a situation outside of what we personally know?


All the inputs in this thread are interesting and useful, in that they can stimulate us to thought and introspection. And may Allah Bless all who have participated. I feel we can teach one another things, perhaps, that He Wills to Teach us?


Can we not, then, listen to one another, as well as speak, and end the day with: well, I understand another's point of view, and I can see its validity (though I may still disagree). And I have given my opinion that I believe is the most correct and Pleasing to the One, our Lord.


But perhaps another is right and I am wrong, and I am willing to hold this truth within my heart.


And only Allah truly Knows. May He Forgive us all.

[Abdul Rafay]

Pardon me for I am a terrible parphraser. But I came across a shaykh brother's comment on Sunni Forum about the men who employ the 'widows/divorcees' card in this topic. So instead of paraphrasing I'll quote him directly. Note: His words may sound harsh. But I believe they are dreadfully realistic.

I don't know why guys throw in this "polygamy is going to cure all problems in the society" bumper sticker - come on, if you are going to do a manly thing then first be a man. I look at the list of guys who taken on more than one wife and the 2nd wife is almost always an unmarried girl, 16 here, 18 there, no older than 25, the 40 year old single lady is still single. So please don't use the emotional argument with the marrying divorcee/widow as 2nd wife. That's an insult to our women.Guys getting 2nd wives yet divorcee still sitting at home widows still worry about their children maintenance. Yes I know about preference given to virgin girl in such and such narration - so I say just be a man about it and say "hey I want to get an 18 year old firecracker as 2nd wife." You have that right and that choice. I can respect that. But please don't disrespect the divorcee girl and don't play with the emotions of the widow worried for her children future and don't clown with our society that increase in 2nd marriages is going to better our society - just be a man and say it will better your enjoyment. Has very little to do with society. Keep the sunnah going no doubt, but at the same time let's keep it real.I have hardly ever heard a guy marrying a 40+ for 2nd wife or widow with kids or divorcee - usually they use the shoulder of divorcee and widow to fire their gun and shoot target of age 16-25 unmarried. Don't use excuse of divorcee and widow for nafsani desire, just say this is my nafs desire to get a young 2nd wife unmarried and we can respect that, jub pyar kiya to darna kya? What place does fear have on the path of love?What answer will such people give to Allah swt on day of judgement who play with emotions of divorcee/widow?Divorcee/widow reading this: Fusus can understand your frustration, anger and can understand an almost humiliating aspect society deals with you. Do not worry for the whispers, keep the patience and Allah swt will deal with the mockers as their mockery will hit them on their face. Fusus making regular duas for all Muslims to alleviate their suffering and problems and worries, with a"fiyat, ameen.

Ta'addud Azwaaj in Islam [Archive] - sunniforum.com - a resource for the propagation of authentic Islamic teachings

On an interesting note I was reading about the medieval Muslim culture of the city of Kairouan in modern day Tunisia and was reading up about the practice of the monogamy stipulations in the marriage contracts. And the research highlighted that 36% of Muslim women in that city who had stipulated the monogamy condition on their husbands were themselves divorcees and widows, a significant percentage in that context.

https://www.sss.ias.edu/files/papers/paper39.pdf

I also wanted to drop a controversial line here by saying that stereotypes have a strong basis in the realities of society, otherwise they would not exist. As the old adage goes, there is no smoke without fire.

[greenhill]

Its not hard to know what it causes.

Absolutely, I am not going to argue. You are not wrong in saying that. Because it is what we see happen before our eyes. All I am saying is, we will never 'know' the otherwise story. What could have happened if they did or did not....

As I said t the outset, if we took out our emotions and desires and look at the context of the law, it was granted for humane reasons. The prophet actually asked someone to marry a widow by requesting someone to volunteer. To do service. Not for a desire.

Of course there have always been exceptional cases like your family's but such stories are far from being the norm.

Thank you. We are not so exceptional, quite a few cases over here.


Peace :shade:

[h-n]

I believe that polygamy causes more harm than good, especially in our times.

You have created a thread on the basis that you have wished to have a second wife, and now that you say it causes problems, the answers in the thread your not particularly happy with.

So I can't help feeling its more about what you wish to hear??

Its your own personal choice whether you get married again, personally I find it weird, ie there was a male who had 5 kids and was wishing to remarry. Well the issue here is that you;-

- sleep for about 8 hours,
- work for 8 hours -that's 16 hours gone in a day,
- you have 8 hours left
- excluding about 2 hours in the morning to get ready, have breakfast, get ready the kids for school,
- about 6 hours then after school, shop for food play with kids, help with educate them, perhaps fit in time to do something that you personally like.
-Life if already full even with 2 kids, and today even in the west fathers are playing more of a role in babysitting and looking after younger children.
-not forgetting about praying to God, concentrating in the month of Ramadan
-don't people want a work/life balance and at home have a balance too?

So I would distrust anyone looking for another wife, quoting what people have done in the past isn't going to help anyone build a case as the above if you can find time to have another wife and more children, maybe your not doing enough with your current family.

[ardianto]

You have created a thread on the basis that you have wished to have a second wife, and now that you say it causes problems, the answers in the thread your not particularly happy with.

Sister, the Indian man who wanted to marry that woman is not brother Aseer.

Brother Aseer just quotes a question that asked by someone else.

:)

[h-n]

It's unlikely that a person seeking advice for someone else, would pick and choose, dismiss until he gets a suitable response for someone else.

[Abdul Rafay]

A question about second marriage and a scholar (Hazrat Wali)’s advice


813 Hall : Sir it’s a very serious matter that inspite of his one wife and 3 children he’s not satisfied. There’s a desire for another wife from years. He can afford the house and expenses right now Alhamdulillah but people consider it very bad or evil. Even a wife cannot tolerate such thing, infact she speaks out some phrases against the law. And sometimes I strongly believe that it’s a revelation from Allah that I should break this ritual and marry again, become a support for an orphan or a widow. But there’s a fear of separation of beautiful children and a loving wife. Then I keep feeling deep down in my heart that I should not revive the sunnah of Prophet Muhammad SAWW from the fear of separation of beautiful children and beautiful wife.


There’s no women Alhamdulillah in my heart due to the remembrance of Allah, whether it happens or not, life, death, hunger, thirst, saturation everything has become equal yet that desire is so strong and doesn’t go away from remembrance, from Asar to Maghrib I keep myself indulged in remembrance just like a fish in water, routine as always is continued.


Answer : About second marriage what you have written that it may be a revelation from Allah, then this perception of yours is wrong, this is a diabolical revelation. Probably you believe that like other sunnahs following this sunah is also recommended, but to follow this sunnah is confined to a very severe condition


فان خفتم الا تعدلوا فواحدۃ


Verily! If you know that you will not be able to be just with more than one wife, instead the rights of a wife will be wasted then limit yourself to one wife.(Al-Quran)


In today’s era, the rights of one wife are not being fulfilled then how will the rights of the second wife be fulfilled. It was only the emaan (faith) of the sahaba (R.A) that they were able to be just and righteous among four wives at a time. Now we are completely self-obsessed, it is not very easy to be just with the rights of a less beautiful wife than with the one who is more beautiful. It is feared that on the Day of Judgment your neck will be trapped.


Hazrat Hakeem ul Ummat (Maulana Ashraf Ali) Thanvi RA was married twice. Someone said to him that by doing two marriages you have opened the gateway to two marriages for your followers, he said no, I have closed the door. There are scales hanging on the door, if any fruit is brought then it doesn’t mean that I balance the fruit in the scales and give it to both wives instead for example if two water melons of similar weights are brought then I cut each water melon into two equal halves and then give it to them because if I do not cut them in half then I fear that one will get the sweeter and the other will get the less sweeter which is against justice, in the same way if I have to give them clothes then I give exactly same to both of them and if I spend six hours with one wife then on other wife’s turn I spend exactly six hours with her looking at the watch etc. Can anyone practice this much justice? Despite of this justice he said getting married twice is not easy, I felt two marriages were so difficult that sometimes I thought of committing suicide.


What you have written that there is a fear of separation of wife and children due to second marriage then it’s not just a fear, in this era this separation is certain, life will become harsh, we have a lot of cases in front of us that even those wives who happily permitted, after wedding established a confrontation against their husbands in alliance with their children.


If according to what you said there is no women in your heart, whether it happens or not is equal, then why is there a strict requirement of wanting a second wife? While your palace of desires (wife) is there, beware of your inner self, it’s cracks are very fine.


Quoted from: [Page 424-426, Tarbiyat e Ashiqan e Khuda PART-2 By: Shaikh ul Arab wal Ajam Hazrat Maulana Shah Hakeem Muhammad Akhtar Saheb (ra)]


Original Urdu Pages from: http://www.khanqah.org/books/show/ta...-khuda-part-2#