A Story about Remorse, and Protection.

[TheSeeker]

Salam All,

This is my second/third trying to get this posted, I clicked submission, the post froze, I went back and it was deleted, about 2 pages worth of a story, however I think I overlooked something, and if I am
in the wrong, then may you forgive me Allah(S.W.T),...

I'll start off my story, with a Hadith, that struck me hard yesterday. The prophet(S.A.W), and Sahabah, had a man approach him, and he confessed a sin. The man said he met the most beautiful, that he
ever laid eyes upon.

He went on to say, that he committed to her, what any young man would commit to a woman as beautiful as her..., The prophet(P.B.U.H), lowered his gaze from the man, and on that day Angel Gabriel,
Descended, and revealed, a ruling for people who commit such acts. The man was told(I Think), by the Prophet that his sin was concealed, and that any following man, who succumbs to sin, especially
one as great and destructive Zina. If committed and Allah(S.A.W)...,concealed it, that it itself a blessing from the Lord.

My story starts off with my upbringing, I was pulled out public school at the age 5, and I still remember the day vividly, My dear mother came to class one day and extracted me, and placed me in a school
Islamic that established at the time.

Being that the school was so small, they only went up the high school level..., again I was placed back into public school, going from a place a where boys and girls were separated for their own safety, to
a place where people committing disgusting acts in the hallways.

Anyways, I never felt like a belonged, nor did I feel like I was accepted, it could have been my interpretation or my perception, or the cause of being so different, I felt akward...rejected...Not only that...
I had the most hideous teeth...

High school passed, *Phew*, got through it, ...university began, and different beast was unleashed...I now felt more separated, than before..., witnessing 10 fold worse then I witnessed in highschool.
Along the way my teeth got fixed....

Still overweight,...I didn't look what you called physically attractive still, but I still didn't feel right...., So I began working out,...I attained a great physique(Well I think so),... still not a look from any girls..

I was outraged, my inner consciousness still not at rest, contemplated...I was enraged...more and more philosophical thoughts.., I snapped lost, lost my faith, drank profusely,....

Even reached the point where I commited Zinna yesterday...

I went to a place where I met the most beautiful women I had ever laid, my eyes and mind on...and I pounced at the chance., I didn't look back until the act ended...

And right after...it dawned upon me, I felt so estranged I finally did it with one of the most beautiful girls I had ever met yet, my soul still felt empty...thoughts of anger, rage, disgust...came out...

Last night I cried....

I think I was being protected all along, but I chose to go against it......

I read yesterday, that their options available for someone who commits Zina, one of rejects and continues committing and loses his faith, or one who is brought closer..

It's been said I think in a hadith which I also looked up yesterday, that when one commits zinna, his faith is extracted and hovers over him like a cloud.


May Allah forgive us all.

[MuslimInshallah]

Dear TheSeeker,


I sense a maelstrom of emotions from you. And this is good, I think. It means your heart is alive and well. It means you know and accept that what you did was wrong. And this is not easy, you know. A lot of people would prefer to blame someone else: in this case, usually the woman (if she hadn't “x”,then...). But you have not done this, mashallah. What she has done is on her account. And what you have done is on yours.


And I think you may be beginning to see how a series of failures led to your present state: the failure to deal with your very real sexual needs. The use of alcohol. The frequenting of a place where licentiousness was prevalent.


You know, I've read reports on plane crashes. There never is just one failure. There is a chain of events. Of multiple bad decisions and failures. And in our everyday lives, this is no less true.


In Islam, there are multiple failsafes. Marriage is encouraged. Polite and modest clothing is encouraged. The eyes are controlled. Alcohol is avoided. Places of uninhibited mixing are avoided. Sometimes people wonder why this, or why that. But these are all failsafes. If one fails, we have a backup to protect us.


My dear young man, I am impressed with your honesty with yourself. But you don't need to tell everyone about your failure. Sure, this board is anonymous. Sort of (you know, there is an Anonymous persona that you can use for this sort of tricky topic). Yes, Allah is merciful, and may well hide your sin. So use this cover He has Provided you. You don't need to confess to anyone else. Make a sincere repentance to Him... and work on your failsafes.


Yes, I know marriage is tricky when you're young. But you know, if you get working on this, just the fact that you are doing something will help you feel better. It will help your patience and self-control, I think. Doing what? Well, go and chat with an older man you feel is a decent sort, for instance. Ask for his ideas and tips. Actually, you can chat with more than one. Get a range of opinions. Talk to your community leaders. And not just the men. Talk to the older women, too. They know the young women better. In our masjid, there is an elderly lady who keeps the masjid clean. She knows everyone. And she is very sympathetic to young people. Perhaps you can find someone similar in your local masajid?


You're not necessarily committing yourself to marriage straight away. But the fact that you're looking into it, doing your homework, should help you. Even if you won't marry till you've graduated, the fact that you're prepared will help you marry more quickly after you graduate. And bleed off some of the frustration of feeling helpless and in an impossible situation. Iblis loves it when you feel helpless. So work on gaining control of your life.


Get the word out. Tell everyone you know that you'd like to explore the idea of marriage. Go to conferences. See if they have any marriage meet-ups. Find out if there are any Muslim Youth Association outings in your university or community. Even if you don't bump into “the one”, at least you'll have fun skiing or hiking or whatever it is they are doing. And maybe you'll meet her brother... Get involved in politics, at whatever level. Get involved in community events (soup kitchen, fundraising, dawah...) Maybe you won't meet a young woman directly, but you're pretty likely to be noticed by her relatives...


(smile) And not only are you likely to attract some attention, but you're going to be so busy doing all this great stuff, you won't have time for feeling down and alone...inshallah.


You don't need alcohol, my dear young man. You know, alcohol is a poison. It literally poisons your brain. And the first part that gets poisoned is that sensitive part of your forebrain that usually keeps a tight control of what you do. And so you did something that you probably wouldn't have done if you weren't being poisoned.


(smile) And if you're off involved in doing good works for the community, you don't need to hang out with people who are likely to involve you in stuff you'll regret. Right?


Finally, a little medical note: please check yourself out. Go and see a doctor. Make sure you haven't caught anything. If you were both drunk and out of control, chances are you weren't very careful. Maybe you're ok. And maybe not. And you could catch something and not have many symptoms...yet. Why take a chance with your health? Why jeopardize your future wife and children? Please, check yourself out.


Yes, what you did was wrong. But you know that. Wisdom, you know, doesn't come from never failing. It comes from failing, and learning something from your failure. Allah has Given you this opportunity to reinvent yourself into someone you like better. Someone you respect and feel good about. Seize this Gift! Take your pain and remorse, and weave them into something clean and bright and beautiful. A small gift of love and devotion to the One Who Knows and Sees, the One Who Loves and Forgives, The One Who is Tender and Kind.


May Allah Strengthen you, and Guide you through this life and into the Gardens of the Next.