Widower/widow with children, and getting married again

[ardianto]

:sl:

"Don't you look for the new wife?". This is the question which asked to me by some people since I become a widower. It's okay, I can understand if they are so curious about it, just like I understand if there are people in this forum who curious why I don't look for a new wife, at least for this time. :)

Usually I just smile when someone asked me this question, but one time I've ever told my honest reason "I am not alone, but with my children. If I get a new wife, it's means I give the new mother to my children. But can they accept a new woman as their mother?".

This is why there are widowers and widows, with children, who decide to not get married again, at least until their children ready to accept the new mother, or new father.

Yes, the life of widowers and widows, especially those who have children, are different than unmarried people. And not really same as divorced people, especially those who their children not live with them. Widowers and widows, with children, usually thinking about their children before decide to get married again because they are worry their new marriage will make their children unhappy.

If I must honest, I often feel lonely in my life as widower. But my children happiness is more important for me. :)

[InToTheRain]

:salam: Ardi Bhaisab :)

I see what your saying. It depends on their age I think as teenagers tend to find it hard to adjust to the change. But at the same time nothing beats a woman touch when rearing children in my honest humble opinion... but there is a place and time for everything I guess.

Maybe I digress a little but it's hard to get over ones first love. Mohammad(SAW)s love for Mother of the Believers Khadija(RA) never waned... Aisha(RA) once testified how her rival in love was not amongst the living wives of Mohammad(SAW) but the one that passed away...


Once the Prophet mentioned Khadija near Aisha, Aisha responded: "She was not but a such and such of an old lady, and Allah replaced her with a better one for you." He replied: "Indeed Allah did not grant me better than her; she accepted me when people rejected me, she believed in me when people doubted me, she shared her wealth with me when people deprived me, and Allah granted me children only through her."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khadija_bint_Khuwaylid

And Aisha(RA) love for Mohammad(SAW) is well known; she is reported to have said (I believe in Tirmidhi?)
“O Zulaikha, you only cut your fingers at seeing Yusuf(RA). Had you seen the Messenger of Allah :saw: , you would have cut open your heart.”

Reminds me of one of my fave Nasheeds:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4h9nGPZr63E

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum,


I think this is a good point to reflect upon.


Personally, I believe that is important for children to have both a mother and a father. This is why, after the collapse of my first marriage, I married again quickly to a man who promised as mehr, that he would look after my children as his own children. This was all I thought was important. He was introduced to me as a responsible father who was looking after not only his own children, but his deceased brother's children, too. And I was very willing to look after his poor children, who (I was told), had been abandoned by their mother, because they were destitute refugees, and she wanted a better life.


(sigh) But it was all not true.


And this man was not only very unkind with my children, but he was terrible with his own. And those children (copying his example) were violent with mine. And even threatened me.


It was awful. Because I wanted so much to make everything work and be a “good” wife and have an intact family, I exposed my children to some really bad times.


Alhamdullillah, my children have mostly recovered from this ordeal. But it has made us all very wary.


So even though I still believe that it is important for children to have two parents, I think it is better to have only one parent who is kind, than two if there are great problems in the marriage. And as it is hard to know whether a person is sincere and kind, I can completely understand being reluctant to marry again.


And yes, it is lonely. (sigh) Especially when you don't have any family support. But (twinkle), that's why it's so nice to be able to discuss things with all the nice people on this Forum!


Avoid my mistakes. Be cautious to marry again, and don't remain in an abusive marriage. It is very bad for children.


May Allah, the One Who Fashions and Shapes, mature all the bitter fruits we pick, into sweet and juicy ripe ones we can share with others.

[ardianto]

:salam: Ardi Bhaisab :)

I see what your saying. It depends on their age I think as teenagers tend to find it hard to adjust to the change. But at the same time nothing beats a woman touch when rearing children in my honest humble opinion... but there is a place and time for everything I guess.

Maybe I digress a little but it's hard to get over ones first love. Mohammad(SAW)s love for Mother of the Believers Khadija(RA) never waned... Aisha(RA) once testified how her rival in love was not amongst the living wives of Mohammad(SAW) but the one that passed away...


Once the Prophet mentioned Khadija near Aisha, Aisha responded: "She was not but a such and such of an old lady, and Allah replaced her with a better one for you." He replied: "Indeed Allah did not grant me better than her; she accepted me when people rejected me, she believed in me when people doubted me, she shared her wealth with me when people deprived me, and Allah granted me children only through her."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khadija_bint_Khuwaylid

And Aisha(RA) love for Mohammad(SAW) is well known; she is reported to have said (I believe in Tirmidhi?)
“O Zulaikha, you only cut your fingers at seeing Yusuf(RA). Had you seen the Messenger of Allah :saw: , you would have cut open your heart.”

Reminds me of one of my fave Nasheeds:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4h9nGPZr63E

:wasalam: brother InToTheRain. :)

If a woman married a man who has ever married before, people usually will compare her with the previous wife. (Same thing happen to a man too if he married widow/divorcee). In many case the person who compare her is her stepchild. In example, when she scolds her stepchild because naughty, her stepchild protest with "My mother never scolded me like this!. Unlike you, she always ...blah ...blah ...blah". Not only feel compared, but she will also feel that she is unaccepted.

Frankly, what in my mind is, if I get married again, can my new wife love and treat my children like her own children?. Can my children accept her?. Maybe is too far if I expect my children to accept her as their mother, but at least they can accept her presence beside me.

Yes, I love my late wife so much, and this is the second factor that makes me feel hard to get married again, although actually in the end of her life she told me that I can get married again. She was just given me a message that I should not neglect my responsibility toward our children.

I know, not every widower or divorced man think like me. Many of them get married again without consider the consequence for their children. In number of cases, it gave bad consequence like the stepmother treats her stepchild very bad, or vice versa. This is what I don't want to happen.

Jazak Allah Khayr, for the nasheed. :)

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[ardianto]

Assalaamu alaikum,


I think this is a good point to reflect upon.


Personally, I believe that is important for children to have both a mother and a father. This is why, after the collapse of my first marriage, I married again quickly to a man who promised as mehr, that he would look after my children as his own children. This was all I thought was important. He was introduced to me as a responsible father who was looking after not only his own children, but his deceased brother's children, too. And I was very willing to look after his poor children, who (I was told), had been abandoned by their mother, because they were destitute refugees, and she wanted a better life.


(sigh) But it was all not true.


And this man was not only very unkind with my children, but he was terrible with his own. And those children (copying his example) were violent with mine. And even threatened me.


It was awful. Because I wanted so much to make everything work and be a “good” wife and have an intact family, I exposed my children to some really bad times.


Alhamdullillah, my children have mostly recovered from this ordeal. But it has made us all very wary.

Wa'alaikumsalam, sister.

I am sorry to hear your experience. I've ever knew a man who married a divorcee with children. He look good when I acquainted with him. But later I found, he treated his stepchildren badly.

Like I've told in another thread, my father passed away when I was 20 and my mother was 44. But few years later my mother got married again. Alhamdulillah, my stepfather was a good man. But then he passed away. So my mother became a widow for second time, and never thought to get married again.

So even though I still believe that it is important for children to have two parents, I think it is better to have only one parent who is kind, than two if there are great problems in the marriage. And as it is hard to know whether a person is sincere and kind, I can completely understand being reluctant to marry again.

Relationship between stepmother/stepfather and stepchildren is not always work well. Yes, this is the main factor that make me hesitate (not really reluctant) to get married again, although in another side I often feel ....

And yes, it is lonely. (sigh) Especially when you don't have any family support. But (twinkle), that's why it's so nice to be able to discuss things with all the nice people on this Forum!

Hmm .... I don't know the right word to describe my situation, "lonely" or "feel alone". Actually I live among many people who care to me, and my big family always support me in take care my children, but ....

Yeah, maybe my friends were right, I have a woman's heart. And just like a woman, my greatest happiness is if I can love and beloved.

I still can love my wife with du'a. But, it's hard to lie to myself that I often feel an emptiness in my heart because there's no someone beside me, who I can share stories, happiness, sadness. This is why often feel ‘alone although not really lonely'.

Avoid my mistakes. Be cautious to marry again, and don't remain in an abusive marriage. It is very bad for children.


May Allah, the One Who Fashions and Shapes, mature all the bitter fruits we pick, into sweet and juicy ripe ones we can share with others.

In Shaa Allah, If I can get married again I will be careful in choosing my new wife. I don't want the bad things happen to my children.

By the way, I know few widows and divorced women who do not get married again although I am sure, there are men who interested to marry them. Previously I often wonder why they didn't get married again. But now I begin to thinking, maybe they think like me too. Worry, if their new marriage will cause something bad to their children.

Jazakillah khayr, sister. [smile]

[InToTheRain]

:salam: :)

I can understand where your both coming from... it would be wise to be cautious as there are risks not just to you but your family also...

If someone did introduce you to someone and the marriage fell would you blame the "match maker"? I am currently introducing a friend of mine to an extended cousin of mine; both divorced and looking for partners. I actually know the friend quite well as I have lived with him while working outside London for a year so we helped each other with cooking, cleaning and work outside etc ...but I don't want to put my cousin through another ordeal. She actually married a lawyer who beat her at one stage... the Irony :raging:

But then again I don't think any marriage has smooth rides. We can only hope they live according to standards set by Qur'an and Sunnah so piety is the most important factor. Problems are bound to happen and if we don't have a common foundation to resolve these issues, Islam, then their will be conflict. But Sahabas too had their divorces and falling out so some people just don't complement each other in which case we can only hope for a graceful ending to the marriage...maintaining a marriage is a huge responsibility that's why I guess Mohammad(SAW) has said you complete half your religion when you get married.

Jazak Allah for sharing your thoughts. May Allah Most High bless you and your family my respected elders :)

[ardianto]

If someone did introduce you to someone and the marriage fell would you blame the "match maker"? I am currently introducing a friend of mine to an extended cousin of mine; both divorced and looking for partners. I actually know the friend quite well as I have lived with him while working outside London for a year so we helped each other with cooking, cleaning and work outside etc ...but I don't want to put my cousin through another ordeal.

Actually my wife was not my first future wife. I've ever planned to get married with another girl before, who introduced to me by a friend of mine who is her cousin. But later she decided to not marry me due to too many problems that occurred between us.

No, I didn't blame my friend. He just introduced her to me, but decision to choose her was my own decision. It's means, everything that would be happen, would become my responsibility. And the biggest responsibility that I could give to that girl was let her to leave me. Many of those problems caused by my mistake.

Since I was kid I have been taught that if I dare to do something, I must dare to bear the risk and responsibility. That's why in my married life I never blamed anyone for every problem that happened. Even I never blamed my wife because I realized that she was under my responsibility. So, when she made a problem, instead of blame her, I always tried to overcome it.

Jazak Allah for sharing your thoughts. May Allah Most High bless you and your family my respected elders :)

Amin. :)

[MuslimInshallah]

Yeah, maybe my friends were right, I have a woman's heart. And just like a woman, my greatest happiness is if I can love and be loved.


I still can love my wife with du'a. But, it's hard to lie to myself that I often feel an emptiness in my heart because there's no someone beside me, who I can share stories, happiness, sadness. This is why often feel ‘alone although not really lonely'.

Assalaamu alaikum brother Ardianto,


(Smile) I think all healthy people, men and women, seek to love and be loved, because Allah made us this way. Unhealthy people may try to avoid a loving connection, but they are unbalanced, and their hearts are in a state of dis-ease, in my observation.


Consider what He Tells us in 30:21


Sahih International: And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.




This translation is pretty good, but it still fails to capture the full meaning of this passage. Because the word for “mates”, azwaj, has the connotation of being one of a pair. Because the phrase for “ that you may find tranquillity in them”, li-taskunu ilaiha, is a lot richer: it means: in order that you may rely on/trust/have faith in/feel at home with/be reassured, by them. It implies that you will feel peaceful, tranquil, calm. Because the word for “affection”, mawaddah, means love and friendship, and has a flavour of fondness. Because the word for “mercy”, rahmah, means love/mercy/compassion/kindness/understanding/sympathy.


Allah made us as a pair: male and female. We are supposed to be a source of great relief for one another, someone we can rely on, trust, feel at ease with. We are supposed to be the best of friends. We are supposed bond with someone to love and be loved.


I have noticed in my life that there are men who feel weak inside. They feel inferior. So they try to deny that part of the way Allah created them, was with the impulse to bond to a woman. Instead they will bully women in order to try to convince themselves and others that they are strong, and they will be obsessed with the public perception of their “manliness”.


But men who are comfortable with their masculinity, and who are truly strong inside, can express their inner compulsion to connect with a woman and form a pair. They have the freedom to love and share... and reap all the benefits that Allah Provides for them through their spouses.


A man who can admit that he would like to share his life with a woman, that he feels a wish to share himself with a woman, is a man who is in harmony with the way his Creator Created him. He does not have “a woman's heart”, he has a healthy human heart.


In the Light of Revelation, is it possible to understand otherwise?


Does this mean that if we do not have a spouse that we are incapable of functioning? No, of course not. For instance, humans are Designed to have a pair of hands. But we can function with only one hand, if necessary. It's just that with a pair, we function optimally.


(smile) But if a person were to insist that having only one hand was the optimal way to function, and wanted to cut off one of his or her hands, we'd think he or she was a bit crazy! However, if someone lost their hand in an accident, or had to cut it off because it was diseased and threatening their health, yet they struggled to still keep on working and fulfilling their duties, we'd respect such a person very much.


(smile) Feeling the lack of your zawj (pair) is healthy, in my opinion. Whether we find our zawj or not, is...(twinkle) in His Hands.


May Allah, the Gentle One Who Designed us, Enfold us in His Care.

[MuslimInshallah]

If someone did introduce you to someone and the marriage fell would you blame the "match maker"?

Wa alaikum assalaam brother InToTheRain,

I think it would depend on the circumstances. If you knew of any defects in character in the future spouses that you did not disclose, then I think that a person might justifiably hold you responsible for that. But if you introduced a couple of people with a clear explanation of how well you know them and what you know of them that could be pertinent, then I can't see how any reasonable person could be upset. (smile) However, people are not always reasonable, and sometimes we seek to throw blame on others rather than seeing our own responsibilities.

(smile) So while I personally would not blame you if a marriage with someone collapsed, you should be aware that it is possible that another person might.

But Allah Rewards according to honest efforts.

maintaining a marriage is a huge responsibility that's why I guess Mohammad(SAW) has said you complete half your religion when you get married.

(smile) I personally think that one of the main reasons that marriage is half our deen is because its hard. Increasing levels of responsibility as your family grows, trying to figure out how your spouse thinks and why, trying to deal with crises with little or no sleep, tantruming toddlers, hormonal teenagers, difficult in-laws... all excellent ways to help us practice the Divine Qualities (in our imperfect human way) and get closer to Him Who Created us.

Another reason, I believe, is because we were made to be a pair, and it is part of our natural state of being to be married. It is what we try do when we are in a state of Islam, a state of harmony with His Will.

Jazak Allah for sharing your thoughts. May Allah Most High bless you and your family my respected elders :)

(smile) Thank you for your du'a. (twinkle) And the respect for my age. Though you know, it is always a bit of a surprise when I look in the mirror. Because inside, I still feel like the young and clumsy person I was many years ago. It's just I've had more time to make mistakes! (twinkle) Inshallah, I have learnt a few things along the way.

May Allah, the Giver of Honour, Bless you and your blossoming family.

[InToTheRain]

:salam:

Another reason, I believe, is because we were made to be a pair, and it is part of our natural state of being to be married. It is what we try do when we are in a state of Islam, a state of harmony with His Will.

I never thought about it like that, Thanks for sharing :)

(smile) Thank you for your du'a. (twinkle) And the respect for my age. Though you know, it is always a bit of a surprise when I look in the mirror. Because inside, I still feel like the young and clumsy person I was many years ago. It's just I've had more time to make mistakes! (twinkle) Inshallah, I have learnt a few things along the way.

I think how old you "look" all depends on your demeanor and vivacity and less to do with your actual age. Not so long ago I received an email from a Sister claiming she is now a Grandmother! (her Daughter had triplets Mash'Allah) I had no idea she had a daughter almost same age as me as I thought she was not so old from me! I have made same mistakes in guessing age with Brothers also. ;D

May Allah, the Giver of Honour, Bless you and your blossoming family.

Wa Alaikum Manifolds :)

[ardianto]

Assalaamu alaikum brother Ardianto,

Wa'alaikumsalam, sister MuslimInshallah.

"You are like a woman!". This was the comment from few of my friends to me. Even my wife ever comment like this too, few times. No, no, they were not talking about physical appearance, but they were talking about what I've said or what I've done. Usually they continued it with "Only women who think/feel like this!".

Maybe they're right because I often took inspiration from women, like principle "It's better be loved than love". That's why when I was in period of look for life partner, I didn't try to get someone who made me fall in love, but I tried to accept and then build a love for someone who was willing to be my life partner. My reason was simple, if I love someone, probably I would failed to make her love me too. But if someone love me, then I would feel happy and would start to feel a love to her too.

Sister, do you agree with my friends that only women who think like this?. [smile]

And about my feeling toward women. The thing that makes me very grateful is, I feel inferior toward women. Maybe you are wonder, how could a man like me feel inferior toward women?. Sister, have you ever heard story of The Ugly Duckling?. That's my life story.

I was a competition swimmer when I was kid. I also compete in BMX race, and play softball. However, in late of my childhood I got bored with sport activities and turned into another hobby, cooking and eating. Of course it made my body becoming fat.

Then I entered my teen age which like other teen boys, I also start to have feeling toward the girls. But immediately I realized, I was not the type that could get attention from the girls. Even some of them insulted me as the ugly fat boy. Also I was not type of boy who talkative and could make the girls feel like 'fly to the moon' with sweet words. I was a quiet boy who listen more than talk.

I still remember the moment when I walked in hill area and met without stopping with a group of school girls. They made me as joke, they insulted me, and they laugh without they care about my feeling. I didn't respond them, even didn't say anything. But I cried in my heart, and asked to myself "Why?. Why they insult me?".

Did that make me hate the girls?. Alhamdulillah, no. Instead of made me hate the women, these experiences made me able to appreciate women, especially those who kind to me. It's because I never generalize. I believe, if some women insult me, it doesn't mean all women insult me. There must be among them who could be kind to me. Alhamdulillah too, I have met many women who very kind to me. And of course, I always try to be kind too.

So, inferior feeling is not always bad. Even it could be good if we could manage it in positive way.

About zawj (pair). People in my place say "the life partner is in the hand of Allah". It's meant, who would become our life partners are those that destined for us. I know, not everyone agree. But I believe it because there was a long story with my wife before. Like I've said above, my wife was not my first future wife. There was another girl before, but then I married my wife, who I knew few years before I met my friend's cousin.

And amin to your du’a, sister.

[BeTheChange]

We've all lived a very different life with many different responsibilities. It's permissible in Islam to get married again if your a widower or widow - we shouldn't burden ourselves and think about what society may think. I think it's very sweet and a very logical and parent thing to do to worry about the implications that another wife may bring to your family dynamics and structure. I wish more parents were more considerate and thoughtful like you. I agree with all the comments here that the childhood, socialisation & upbringing of children is extremely important. Your childhood ultimately shapes your views and opinions and shapes your adulthood.

Feeling lonely is very normal and part of being a human being. If we didn't feel lonely we wouldn't be human beings. You have children alhamdulilah and am glad you find peace and happiness in them. When we're alone and don't have the support system behind us (i.e. through family, a wife or husband) it makes us value the little interaction we do have with human beings. In order to tackle loneliness keep yourself occupied in zikar, sport, family gatherings, social outings etc.

It's funny because couples can be lonely even if they married. It all depends on the situation and circumstance. Focus on your relationship with Allah swa and you will never be alone. Trust me on this - you will even start enjoying your own company because when you do mingle with society it takes you away from society. (most of the times). This life is a test and everyday is a struggle just keep fighting and make yourself & Allah swa proud. In sha Allah.

Think about this - in the graves we're all on our own. It doesn't matter how much time you give your friends and family and how much you love them you won't be able to take them with you. This is reality. This is the truth. Only Quran will be your companion if you've read Quran in this world and practised the teachings.

[ahsankhan]

go with your heart but do consult with your children about it first, and see what they will say.

[ardianto]

go with your heart but do consult with your children about it first, and see what they will say.

Now is not the right time. My children haven't ready to have stepmother. I can feel that they worry, if I got married again then my attention toward them would be shared with my new wife and her children (if she had). Also they worry their stepmother would not treat them well.

I have two sons. The oldest is 16 years old, the youngest is 10 years old

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

I think you should have a heart-to-heart discussion with your children. To be honest, if I were in your children's place, I would feel guilty and sad that my father's happiness was sacrificed for mine. Maybe we don't realize it while we're young, but at an older age we eventually do come to realize things about our parents' sacrifices for us that we hadn't before. I cannot sway away the feelings of sadness when I think about how much my parents have done for me and what little I have done for them.

Your new wife would not be considered as a replacement mother, and I highly doubt she'd be thought of so because in a child's heart no mother is replaceable. However with proper understanding, your kids can respect her just as they respected their mom and appreciate her. I do think it's important to wait until your kids are ready to receive a new person in their lives, but you can't just stand by and wait for it to happen, you should talk to them about it often and get them used to the idea that you want to be with someone. Perhaps this is why you feel that they are worried. The idea is new to them, but don't feel discouraged just because they are not quite comfortable with the idea. There is a lot going on in their heads, and that is going to happen whether they are young or older, trust me.

Your eldest is 16 so he is old enough to understand, in a few years, who knows he will be falling in love as well, and he'll be able to empathize with you; and the best time to introduce someone new for your 10 yr old is while he is young, because to introduce someone new while he is older and still living with you will feel very awkward. However if he's young and he grows up seeing this woman there, he will see her as a motherly figure rather than a stranger. Otherwise, the only other comfortable situation would be to wait until both of your kids are out of the house. But that is not really ideal.

Your situation doesn't have to be black and white, you have options and ways to discuss these things with your children, and believe me I'm sure they are more mature than you take them to be, they just need to see your confidence and feel assured that after this marriage you will be happy.

fi aman allah
w'salaam

[ardianto]

Assalamu Alaikum

Wa’alaikumsalam, sis.

You're right, parent can't be replaced. My mother got married again few years after my father passed away, but I didn't see her new husband as my new father. Just as my mother husband. However, I was 25 in that time while my youngest sister was 20. We were mature enough in that time.

I think my oldest son can understand. But I am not sure about my youngest son. Indeed, sometime I feel lonely. But I try to overcome my lonely feeling with doing activities with children.

But, honestly, there is another thing that made me hesitate to get married again. I feel like I betray my wife if I get married again, although she has passed away.

I highly value the loyalty. That's why during my married life I never thought to have another wife, never had affair with another woman, never thought to leave her whatever happen to her, and always forgave her whatever she had done to me.

When I was young I've ever vowed, if Allah gives me someone who can love me, I will always love her and will always loyal to her. And Allah gave me someone like I expect.

My marriage story was different than many other men. I did not get her, but she got me after great patience that finally made me surrender. That's why I regard myself belong to her, not she belong to me. And she really loved me with love that always makes my heart touched whenever I remember it.

Now she has gone from my side. But I still feel that I belong to her. Yes, it makes me feel guilty whenever I think about getting married again.

[Signor]

Now she has gone from my side. But I still feel that I belong to her. Yes, it makes me feel guilty whenever I think about getting married again.

Assalamu Alaykum Dear Ardianto

I know you are between a rock and a hard place but you really sounds like an old school Hindu widow,the one who burns her self alive when her husband die.Your friends are very right about you.

On a serious not,It also make me sad how every time you write about being widower/widow,another member posts his/her own story of grief.

May Allah set right your affairs; help you set right the affairs of others; guide you and help you guide others; increase your honor in this world and in the Hereafter,Aameen

[ardianto]

Assalamu Alaykum Dear Ardianto

I know you are between a rock and a hard place but you really sounds like an old school Hindu widow,the one who burns her self alive when her husband die.Your friends are very right about you.

On a serious not,It also make me sad how every time you write about being widower/widow,another member posts his/her own story of grief.

May Allah set right your affairs; help you set right the affairs of others; guide you and help you guide others; increase your honor in this world and in the Hereafter,Aameen

Wa'alaikumsalam

Hmm, I think you are right, brother. I am to exaggerative in love matter.

In Shaa Allah, I will try to be realistic.

:)

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

If your sons are close, I'm sure the older one will help the younger one learn how to accept the new change.

As for it being difficult to marry another woman after your wife, I can understand that. However, if your wife loved you as I love my husband, I would want him to be happy. It is more difficult for a man to cope being a widower than a woman is. Women are able to remain social and it may be easier for them to remain single for the rest of their lives, whereas men may not have a special connection with anyone like they did with their wife, and so they yearn for that bond again.

One day your children will grow old and you will too, and you will want someone to be by your side. I'm sure if you find a great lady, you would have wanted to meet her sooner. Also, think of the prophet (pbuh). He loved Aisha (ra) and it did not decrease from his love of Khadijah (ra) or his memory of her.

At the end of the day, it's your heart you will need to convince to be married again, not your childrens' :)

Anyways, May allah grant you ease in whatever you choose.

Fi aman Allah,
w'salaam

[Muhaba]

Wa'alaikumsalam

Hmm, I think you are right, brother. I am to exaggerative in love matter.

In Shaa Allah, I will try to be realistic.

:)

Personally, I think whether one remarries or not depends a lot on their age. For example, a younger widow/widower would have a greater requirement to remarry. On the other hand, someone older, like in your case, won't need to remarry so much and can focus on their children. Well, that's my opinion.

[ardianto]

Personally, I think whether one remarries or not depends a lot on their age. For example, a younger widow/widower would have a greater requirement to remarry. On the other hand, someone older, like in your case, won't need to remarry so much and can focus on their children. Well, that's my opinion.

I often feel hesitate to remarry because I am worry it will give psychological effect to my children. But in another side I can't deny that I feel lonely without a partner. And it put me in 'risky' situation because maybe I would lose control. So what I do now is spend my times with my children to prevent me fall into fitnah that could be happen if I spend my time alone outside the home.

[ardianto]

"Does Allah want me....... ". This is the question that suddenly came to my mind since few weeks ago. Yes, something happen.

Few weeks ago someone came to my office to say her condolences. She just knew that my wife had passed away after she met my another friend. I have never met her for long time. My last contact with her happened on phone 19 years ago when she phone me in my office.

We talked many things, and she told me that she had divorced since long time ago and doesn't have child. It's shocked me. Last contact happened because she wanted to tell me that she had married. It made me happy because I thought finally she met someone who could cure her pain after she could not get the man who she loved.

She told me that she wanted to build again the ties of silaturahim that ever existed when we were young and unmarried. So we built again our ties silaturahim. We met again when she visited my office again, and we also share news through phone message. But we don't do something wrong.

She look older now, of course. But she still not changed. She still kind and attentive to me. And I can feel that she still keep a special feeling that ever caused pain in her heart. It raised a question in my mind.

I've ever heard that if we lost something, then Allah will replace it. The meeting again with her make me wonder, does Allah made it happen?, does Allah want me ....... "

But currently I haven't think about that. For this time I choose to focus to raise up my children. Also I notice, my children still haven't ready to accept someone new beside me.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow. But I believe, if Allah want something happen, then it will be happen. If Allah want something not to be happen, then it will not happen.

[فصيح الياسين]

Its better to be in polygamy if one dies other will be thre..

[ardianto]

Its better to be in polygamy if one dies other will be thre..

Polygamy is permissible in Islam, but it should not based on principle "I should have more than one wife. So, if I lose one, I still have the other". That is playboy's principle in having girlfriends. :hmm:

But honestly, the question in my mind came because I have a view that almost similar although I see it from different angle. I am not a man who like polygamy. I prefer monogamy marriage. And also I was not a playboy when I was young. But I could not avoid situation which I had 'waiting list' with few names on it when I was with my first future wife.

The woman who meet me again was on the list, but not on the top. On the top was the girl who then became my wife. That's why when my first future wife decided to not marry me, I went to girl who ten became my wife. And not so long I got phone call from someone who want to confirm the news that she heard. She was the girl who now meet me again.

My wife passed away on June 2013, and a month later some people started to urge me to get 'the new one'. Started by my late wife's friend who introduced me to someone, and when she saw I looked not enthusiast she whisper "If you feel not matched with her, I will introduce you to more women". Wow!

Insistence from some people sometime makes me think "Should I get married again?". But I am worry it will break my children happiness. And finally I arrived in thought, I will not think about getting married again. But then someone come again.

Frankly, if she was not someone who ever on the 'waiting list' I would not have question "Does Allah want me to get married again?". I feel like Allah shows me that I still have someone if I want to get married again.

Now I am in confusion, should I change my mind and get married again. Honestly, in last few days I used my time to read articles about "single parent and getting married again". But I still confused.

[sisterjee]

I totaly understand what you are saying. You are thinling about your childrena happiness and you feel your kids wont accept someone else as there mother.

[ardianto]

Just this morning I realize I should not let sympathy (or pity?) to her makes me lose my ability to thinking clearly. Like I've said she was in pain because she could not get the man who she loved. That man was me.

It made her often insinuated by her friends. She was also ever verbally abused by my ex-future wife who felt jealous when they accidentally met. But she was always in patience, and always kind, always attentive to me. It made me had a sympathy to her.

Now I notice her attitude toward me still doesn't changed. It make me feel that she still keep a love in her heart, and it raised a question in my mind, should I make her reach her dream?.

To be honest, I am worry that I will hurt her. But I must prioritize my children feeling over my feeling.

This is one problem that can be happen to single parents.

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum Ardianto,


(smile) You seem to be vacillating a lot on this question.


It seems to me that on the one side, you have a very natural wish to find a wife, but on the other, you have a fear of the consequences. But it seems to me that you are not very clear on many things.


Have you considered drawing up a list of the pros and cons, a bit as you might if you were planning setting up a new business? And I mean actually writing them down. There are obvious ones, which you have noted: pro: you feel lonely. A wife could help fill this void. Con: your new wife may not get on with your sons. But there are other points, that perhaps should be considered.


To help you come up with your list of pros and cons, you might want to ask yourself the following questions: Do I ever want to marry again? If yes, when? (And consider how likely it is that you can marry at a given age.) What does marriage mean to me? What do I want of it? (And put your requirements in order). Companionship? Sex? To help with my finances? To gain status of some kind (not just status through marrying a woman who has status, but also societal status for being married, perhaps)? Children (and consider that if you definitely don't want any more children, this may limit the women who would want to marry you. But if you want children, then you have to consider the likelihood that a woman with high childbearing potential (i.e. young ) will want to marry you)? A wish to look after someone (and feel your importance as a husband- it seems to me that men tend to have a need to feel like they are looking after a woman, in order for them to feel really satisfied with themselves)? Other reasons…?


As a Muslim, it seems to me that there is also a spiritual dimension to the question of marriage. As it is stated in a well-known hadith, marriage is half of one's deen. Half! Why?


I meditated on this question a while back. And it seems to me that the reason marriage is so important is because it opens us up to change and challenges. In other words, the prerequisites for spiritual growth. Even the best of marriages (as you know) are not easy. We can learn to be patient, loving, forgiving, kind... but also strong, self-sufficient, just, firm, good, fulfilling our trusts, wise... and grateful... indeed, we can practice so many of the Divine Qualities. And it is not only in the socially “successful” marriages that we can learn these. It may be that we will learn and practice these qualities though marriages that ultimately “fail”.


I met a woman a little while ago. She was in her early 50's. And she had a “successful” marriage: she was still married to her first husband. She had several children, one even married with a child. Her husband was wealthy. He went regularly to the jum'ah prayer. But as I got to know her, I discovered some rather deep problems. Her husband neglected her, and her children. He no longer even pays for her food (her children support her). He no longer sleeps with her. He has been violent for many years, both towards her, and towards his children. He has scammed one of his children of some very large sums of money (to the point where this child feels he can't marry). He has falsely accused one of being a threat to him (fortunately, the police didn't believe him). He cheats on his fasting in Ramadan, when he thinks no one sees him... And the woman? Yes, she is sweet and kind. Very patient. But she is also very dependent. She gets nervous going out by herself. She has stood by while great injustices have been done to her children. She permits people around her to mistreat her (not just her husband).


And contemplating this woman, I suddenly realized that Allah, in His Wisdom, offers us many lessons through marriage. But that the dissolution of marriage is not necessarily a failure to learn these lessons. Perhaps, sometimes, we can only learn the lessons we need through the agonizing process of a marital failure. Perhaps. (smile) Though not necessarily.


What I am trying to say, is that marriage, whether it's “good” or not, whether it is “successful” or not, is actually a great opportunity for us to work on those qualities that bring us closer to Allah. If we love Allah, then we will want to be like Him. Though we can never succeed, we can get closer. Islam is about submitting to God's Will, and finding the inner peace that comes with this. But ihsan, I believe, is about thirsting to get closer to God. It is about loving Him so intensely that you want to emulate him in the feeble way that a human can.


I would suggest that marriage is an important tool for both submitting to Allah (because He Made us to be a complementary pair), and also for getting really close to Him. And this, I think, is why marriage is so highly recommended. It is not just about the propagation of humankind. It is also about finding the balance of the complementary pair, and it can also be about the optimal growth of the human essence.


Now perhaps you are saying to yourself: well, ok, what if I'd like to marry... but what about my children? What if they get hurt? This is a very valid and excellent point. Your children are a trust Allah has Entrusted you with. And fulfilling trusts is part of getting closer to the One Who Fulfills All Trusts.


You have also cherished the idea of marrying, and never letting go. This is a very wonderful idea- in the right circumstances. But as I myself discovered (I used to cherish the same idea), sometimes, you must let go of this idea. Sometimes, the person to whom you are married is not a nice person. (gently) And indeed, it is more true to say that we are all forced to let go, in the end. As you know, perhaps, letting go is one of the lessons we are given to learn in this life. Because in the end, we have to let go of everything that we hold precious, and stand naked except for our deeds, in front of our Creator. (smile) And if our ragged deeds are stitched into clothes of rare and costly fabrics by our Compassionate and Merciful Lord... then he fills our longing hands with all we ever desired to hold... and more.


So perhaps, rather than saying to yourself: if I marry, I'm going to hold on no matter what + my children are precious and need to be protected, therefore, better not marry because things may not work out... why not change the equation to: My children are precious and need to be protected + I will marry, but if she is not good to my children, I will divorce her...?


Is divorce easy? No, it never is. But it is an option, if necessary. And it can be a learning process, too.


Perhaps you may say to yourself: ok, what about if I wait till my children are all grown and have families of their own, and then I'll look for a wife. After all, there seem to be plenty of options!


Mmm. For now this is true. But will this always be true? And how long do you think it will be till your sons leave your home?

I have read that young women tend to be very choosy (smile, and I've read men's irritated comments about this!), but that as they get older, and they realize that they are not so appealing anymore, and that time is running out for them to have a family, they become less picky, and indeed may marry rather unwisely, if they panic. Men have a different lifecycle, in that their appeal increases as they age, then splits into two, so tospeak. That is, the younger women (under 30) are not so interested in them, but women closer to their own age are perhaps more interested. At first, the men in their late 30's and early 40's feel depressed about this because they notice the younger women's reactions (and their own aging bodies), and ignore the older women's reactions. They go through a mid-life crisis. But then, once they have made peace with their aging selves, they start to realize that there are a lot of available women over the age of 30. And now it is the men who get choosy (twinkle, and the women who complain!). But, just as the women realize one day that they are not so appealing, so do men become less appealing as they age, though this is more apparent to men as they get closer to 55-60, I find (there is a certain amount of variation between men). (smile) I read recently that the Hollywood actor Jack Nicholson, who had formerly boasted of sleeping with 2000 women (yuk...!)...is feeling lonely. No one is interested in him anymore, it seems. This has happened to him later in life than many, but it goes to show that we all reach this point in the end. We become less attractive to the other gender.


I have also been noticing that women after menopause seem to feel less of a need for men. There seem therefore to be less women actively looking for a husband after this age (around 52-55;again, there is variation between women).


So basically, right now, you have a lot of appeal. If you wait 10 years, you may have less, and you may find that the number of women available has decreased. (twinkle) As a businessman, would you wait till the customers start to lose interest in your product before putting it onto a shrinking market?


Furthermore, you believe that a particular woman you know, cares about you. If a woman cares about you, she will very likely care about your children. Particularly if she has none of her own (though even if she had some of her own, you'd be surprised how attached a woman can become to another woman's child...we tend to be a bit crazy about children, you know. (twinkle) A bit like how men are crazy about attractive women).


You are being presented right now with several women who are of an age to be interested in marrying you, to whom you were attracted when you were young, who are of a similar background to you, and who even care about you! What more could you ask for?! Furthermore, this puts you in a very solid position to to consider the next point: unusual solutions.


For instance, is it absolutely necessary for you and your wife to live together? Of course, it is nicest (and cheapest) for everyone to be together, but is this the only option? Could you not, perhaps, live in your house/apartment with your children, and your wife live in another house/apartment? Perhaps even next door? You could do this in the short-term, whilst everyone is getting to know each other, or you could prolong it till when your sons move out with families of their own, if necessary (because in your culture, from what you have said, the men join their wives' families).


Would all women accept this? No. But some would. Maybe you could find one that would (if you were interested in this option)?


Of course, if you are hoping for a wife who could physically care for you and your children (healthy food and a clean house are nice to have...), then unless she lives really close to you, you won't get this benefit. But if you want someone to talk with, ask advice of, fulfil your needs for some physical closeness... it could work.


There may be other unusual solutions. If you are interested in marrying, I'm sure you could find a way to make things work, either by yourself... or perhaps your future wife could offer some ideas...or others around you... As long as divorce is an option, you can afford to take a risk (though if you opt for more children, this makes things more risky...).

And you know, it may be that your future wife could bring great benefits for your children. Not all step-mothers are evil, you know. It could happen that she live with you, be a fabulous cook (junk food is no good for growing boys, you know…), be wise, caring… and have an interest in football (or whatever your sons are interested in)! Knowing that you can get out of an unpleasant situation, means that you can take the risk of trying for a much better situation, too.

Of course, you must have the strength to opt out of an unpleasant situation… but maybe the love you have for your children will give you that strength…?

Finally, on an unrelated point (I'm not quite sure why a previous poster brought it up in the context of this thread), polygyny does not have to be about playboys (though it seems that this is a stereotype in your culture, which effectively means that pretty much only playboys take this option, as decent men would be ashamed to, and therefore, the stereotype is validated). It could be about kindness. It could, indeed, be an act of worship, done for the sake of Allah. (twinkle) You could, perhaps, make all the available women happy (unless there are more than four...).(laugh) Ok, I know this isn't for you. You're struggling to even figure out if you could marry one! But then again, if you could hold this image in your mind for a few moments (even as a joke), perhaps you might be able to realize that just one wife... isn't so difficult? That perhaps you are more capable of dealing with remarriage than you currently believe?

(smile) Anyway, think about it. We humans tend to get fixated on one of two options (in your case: marriage for your needs or singleness for your children's needs). But often, there are many more options and shades of colour…if we choose to look. I've thrown out a few ideas. Perhaps you can generate one that fills your particular situation and needs?


(gently) May Allah, the Giver of Life, Help you... to live again.

[Insaanah]

If we love Allah, then we will want to be like Him. [...] It is about loving Him so intensely that you want to emulate him in the feeble way that a human can.

:salam: sister,

I must admit, I have not read through the thread, only the last post which has some good food for thought. However, there is one part, which I thought needed clarification.

If we love Allah, then we will want to be like Him.

Say, (O Muhammad): "If you love Allah, follow me; Allah will love you and forgive you your sins. Allah is Forgiving, Merciful." (3:31)

The Prophet :saws: was commanded by Allah to tell people, that if we love Allah, then we should follow the Prophet :saws:, not that if we love Allah, we should try to be like Allah.

Allah sent human messengers to people, to be human role-models and examples of what we ought to be like, and we should strive to emulate the human exemplars that they were, within the finite bounds of our humanness.

Indeed in the Messenger of Allah (Muhammad SAW) you have a good example to follow for him who hopes in (the Meeting with) Allah and the Last Day and remembers Allah much. (33:21)

It is the prophet :saws: who we should try to be like. He embodied all the excellent qualities we should have, and it is he :saws: who we should try to emulate, to try to get closer to Allah.

Say: "If there were on the earth, angels walking about in peace and security, We should certainly have sent down for them from the heaven an angel as a Messenger." (17:95)

Allah only sends as examples, those of the same kind as those being sent to. So a human would not be expected to emulate an angel for example.

And so, we are not expected to try to be like Allah, and nor should we try to. There is the risk that to do so could be inadvertently bordering on/leading to, shirk. If we want to be kind and forgiving, then we have an example in the Prophet :saws:. If we want to be generous, then we have an example in the Prophet :saws: . Yes, Allah is kind and generous in ways that only He can be, e.g. sustaining the whole world with food and drink, even the tiniest insect. We cannot do that. Our example, is in the Prophet :saws:.

And Allah knows best.

[ardianto]

Wa'alaikumsalam, sister MuslimInshallah.

When I was kid there was a popular song that describes life of unmarried young man is full of freedom because there's no someone who forbid him to go anywhere. Then when I had grown up as young man I knew that's true. I could do anything I wanted to do, I could go anywhere and anytime without someone forbade me.

I was like a bird that flew freely to wherever I want. I really enjoyed something which called freedom.

But was I happy?. In the beginning yes, until I saw a nest with couples of birds and their children. They looked very happy in the warmth of their nest. And suddenly I felt an emptiness in my heart. Suddenly I realize, I could fly anywhere but I flew to nowhere.

People say, marriage is like a jail. Yes I know that's true. But I am very happy to live in this "jail sweet jail". I had lost my freedom. But I got something that more valuable. The warmth of my own family. A warmth which called love. [smile]

So, I don't need to write down the pros and cons of married life because this pro and con is simple. If I lived as single I had freedom to fly anywhere that I want, but I would fly with emptiness in my heart.

Now after I lost my wife should I have someone new?. One thing that not everyone realizes, I lost my wife, but I still have my family. My children are my family, and I still have responsibility toward them. Their happiness is my priority. This is the reason why until now I still not remarry. Frankly, if I don't have children, very possible now I already have new wife.

Yes, I often get question why I do not try to get new wife. I know they wonder about it because they are sure that there's must be a woman who would accept me if I tried to find a wife. But actually this is what makes me worry. I am worry I would be accepted by a woman while the situation still not supportive.

I have no problem if I was rejected by a woman. I could go to the second woman. If rejected by the second woman?. I could go to the third woman. If all women reject me?. It's okay. It's mean I was destined to not get married again. But if I accepted by a woman but then my children reject her?.

I know, the reason why a woman accepts my marriage proposal is because she wants to get married and she regards me as the right man to be her husband. So she would be happy when she accepts my proposal. But then if I tell her "Sorry, I must cancel our marriage plan", what would she feel?.

So sister, if I decide to not try to find the new wife at this time, it’s because I do not want to hurt the feeling of a woman. I really consider the woman's feeling in this matter. This is what people don't understand about me. [smile]

Yes, I am often thinking how if my children, especially the youngest, need long time to can accept a new woman beside me. It's mean I must spend long time in my loneliness. Age is not really become problem for me. I believe, ten years later after I 57 I still have a chance to get someone. It's not because I overconfident, but because I do not look for the "young and beautiful".

If she's not young, but in my age?. It's okay. If she's not beautiful?. It's okay. If she had children?. Still okay. If she had bad behavior?. That's not okay!. What I consider is her character, personality, and behavior, which include her level of piousness. Yes, I want to have a wife who can make me closer to Allah, not being farther to Allah.

Why don't I look for "the young and beautiful"?. Oh sis, I know my condition and I know the situation. When I was young I indeed, was a good looking guy. But now?. I am just the former of good looking guy. Indeed, now still there are women who try to get my attention although very few. But I notice the difference. In the past the girls who tried to approach me were the girls who confident that they could get a good looking guy. But now?. They are desperate divorced women who think "I am lucky if there is a man who is willing to marry me".

By the way. My mother married again after my father passed away. My step-father was in late of 50’s age in that time. My mother in-law passed away when my oldest son was little kid. Then my father in-law got married again when he was in mid of 60’s age.

But actually what make me worry is if something happen and put me in situation which I 'meet someone' but my children still can't accept a new woman beside me. It would put me in confusion about how to tell my children. And to be honest, I still don't know how to tell my children. I am worry it will disturb their happiness.

Of course before I take decision to marry someone I must predict anything that can be happen in the future including how if my new wife and my children always in conflict. Should I divorce her?. No!. What I would do is try to reconcile her and my children and I would do the best thing that I could do. What if she had bad behavior?

Okay, let me say, the meaning of wife for me is the part of myself. So if then I find she has bad behavior, then instead of throw her out I would try to guide her to leave her bad behaviors and become the better person. I would do it because I must love her.

I have a principle, if I have a wife, then whatever happen to her, I will always love her. Maybe this principle sound unusual for many men. But I am sure you know that I am not kidding with this principle.


About option which I live with my children while my wife lives in separate home. Oh, sis, if I consider this option now I already had a new wife under 20 years old. As easy like this to get a young girl?. Sister, have you ever realize how destructive the effect of poverty toward mindset of poor people?.

I have realized it since I was young. Not because I was poor, but because I was born in upper middle class family and I grew up together with boys from my social class. We were the boys who drove our own cars and having fun anytime. The life like this made us meet the girls from poor families who saw us as people who could give them pleasant life.

And I have often seen through my eyes what those rich boys had done to those poor girls. Indeed, those poor girls had fallen on the wrong path. But why those rich boys misuse them?. Why didn't the rich boy treat the poor girl better?. Take her as a wife, not just sex toy that will be thrown out when he start to getting bored with her?.

Sis, I am not type of man who buy a woman by money. Unlike some other men who buy women by money as their other wives and put them in separate homes which visited only when those men need to have pleasure. If I married again, I would bring my new wife to live with me in the home where she would be the queen there. I will never buy a woman by money, but I will buy a woman by love. [smile]