Polygamy and finances

[Zahiba]

Salaam all, firstly I am new here and apologise if I am posting in the wrong place.


My scenario is that I am very eager to marry soon as I am not getting any younger and reached the point where I am in desperate need of a husband


however I have had to think long and hard about my scenario and now think being in a polygamous marriage and being a 2nd wife to someone is my only option as there are many factors preventing me from having a 'normal' marriage


Firstly I am a carer to my parents and thus need to remain at home after marriage


secondly I've always been very socially awkward and even though I have spent many years trying to overcome it I just cannot and so the thought of marrying a man and meeting his whole family is scaring me too much, I just know I will never be able to handle being a daughter or sister-in-law to anyone


My questions are:


do you think it's possible/will there be a man out there who will marry me and be my husband without me having to meet his family after marriage? or do they usually hope that 2nd wives will bond with his external family too?


And secondly how do I address the issue of how much money I need


I don't work and require help with bills and stuff, I looked at my expenses and seemed like my annual living allowance - standard bills and food - will cost over £6000 a year so how can/do I ask my future husband this. Do I just bring it up in conversation with him, does my wali mention it? More importantly is it ok to ask this of my husband - for him to be paying my bills for me even when he won't be living with me? Do you think he will say yes, is he obligated to say yes? Can second husbands afford to give this much to their other wife?


I hope you don't think I sound childish just have no idea what I'm doing and need to know my rights, anything you can tell me will be great! Thank you


..

[ardianto]

Assalamualaikum.

There is difference between second wife in open polygamy, and mistress. In open polygamy a man has two or more 'families' which he does not hide it. Of course, all of his wives interact with his origin family (parent, siblings). While mistress is a woman who become 'the secret wife' of a married man. Mistress does not interact with the husband origin family and does not live with the husband. Her husband just visit her and back to his home again.

Sister, what you describe actually is condition of a mistress, not condition of the second wife. No, no, sister, do not lower yourself like this.

And why you think the only option is become a second wife?. If you think you will never get a young unmarried man, why don't you think to marry a widower or divorced?.

[Zahiba]

Thanks for your reply brother, in regards to your last question I am not seeking a truly old man, someone in his late 30s to early 40s is fine with me. Firstly I am not a young girl myself, I am 30 and secondly even if I had the option to marry a young brother I would not. From experience it seems like 20something brothers still have a lot of maturing that needs doing and I don't have much patience for immaturity, I need my husband to be a man not a boy. So I'd prefer the option of an older mature man

In regards to my original statement, I did fear my post may make me sound similar to an mistress and this is not what I want. But I do have a very big problem meeting new people, especially huge groups of people. It's a psychological problem which is the very reason I have been put off getting married for so long.
Brother I did not say I want to keep the marriage secret, the scenario would be that the first wife knew he was married and his family too, all I want is to not have to meet with his whole family. I want to not go to invited like eid parties and weddings and without sounding selfish I want to look after my parents only not his?

Is this really unavoidable? What can the other option be then - to remain single forever? I cannot chose this option as it may lead me to commit zina. Plus I've heard of women who have married and kept their distance from his family so it can't be impossible

What about the subject of the money?

[ardianto]

Sister, if you become a wife although the second or third wife, you need to have and maintain the ties of silaturahim with your husband family. You cannot expect that you married someone and you don't have to meet and interact with your husband family. Avoid silaturahim is not a good attitude for a Muslim.

About finance matter. Of course you can tell your future husband that you expect him to pay your bill after he marry you. But you must also consider his financial capability.

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[Zahiba]

Ok thank you brother, I will take into consideration what you have told me. Jazakallah khair

[greenhill]

Welcome to the forum.

First, remember Allah.
Second, ask His guidance

There are several parts to your situation. The area which struck my attention is about the central pillar of your reason revolving around your parents. In normal circumstances, the children will bury their parents. Then what is there for you? You have to build your life too!

Battery running out.

Speak soon


:peace:

[Zahiba]

Then I will have my little brother to look after who has a mental handicap

So you see, normal marriage was never going to be in my fate :(

[ardianto]

Hmm, ... I begin to understand why you expect married life like that.

I am sorry if my previous posts have offended you.

[BeTheChange]

Walaikumasalaam sis zahiba


Welcome to the forum.


You sound like a very busy sister with a very busy schedule. May Allah swa keep you happy and reward you IMMENSELY for assisting and helping your parents Ameen. Am confident this won't be overlooked in your book of deeds. Your making the right choices honestly i respect you sister because i know from experience this is extremely challenging on a day to day basis - especially if you're living with a family member who is impaired/disabled. May Allah swa reward you. Ameen.


I think it is important to address your needs as well as a human being and i think the proposal that you have put forward in terms of living with your parents is one that can work.


In terms of being shy and not wanting to meet the extended kin - i think this is a discussion you need to have with your potential spouse. Just be honest, real and truthful to yourself and have a very open discussion. I know sometimes it can be awkward and you don't want to burden him or put him off you but if you lay down your expectations - in sha Allah this will aid you in finding the right spouse & because you have made him aware about your parents and financial needs he will also be honest with you if he is God fearing man in sha Allah. By being honest right from the start you will avoid any future problems or arguments.


If you find it difficult write down your expectations on a paper and you can pass this to your potential spouse (with mehram present) in sha Allah.


Also, one more thing i understand why you say this - you mentioned you don't want to look after your potential in-laws. Maybe you won't need to if the first wife is more traditional and is already doing this? maybe in-laws are in a different country? lol sorry am not trying to remove in-laws from the situation just trying to say one step at a time in sha Allah. Also, by spending time with your family and your husband family increases love & mutual respect for both parties.


In Islam, we place so much importance on family and family life so i think it would be very good for you to at least try and consider spending time with in-laws. I think this will be very healthy for your relationship. Am not sure your potential husband will be too pleased if you advise him you don't want to see his parents...i don't think this will go down well...


On a positive note - i think it's very doable the marriage and the circumstances you find yourself - you just need to find a man who is accommodating to your requests. In sha Allah this will be easy for you.


If you don't have much family or contacts maybe try a matchmaking site like singlemuslims.com? Am not sure if this is islamically approved of but as long as you have intentions of marrying and only meet with mehram i think this will be ok?


I wish you all the best sister and may Allah swa give you loads of barakat in your time and give you happiness and peace Ameen


Sorry if my advise is not good - Allah swa knows best!

[Zahiba]

Your advice was exactly what I needed to hear BeTheChange, thank you for your reassurance, guidance and du'as brother

I will take it all on board, yes I have already discovered a matrimonial site to my liking where people already seem interested in me as a person but I couldn't complete my profile yet because I wanted to know whether it was even worth me asking for the things I require. Hopefully inshallah I will find the one man who is willing to work around my requirements and of course in return I will attempt to build some bridges with his extended family if they are in the same country as me.

Jazakhallah to everyone who took the time to reply!

[Zahiba]

sorry I called you 'brother', I meant sister :p

[BeTheChange]

Am sure you will do just fine.

I wish you all the best and keep us updated in sha Allah.

May Allah swa make life easy for you Ameen.

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum Zahiba,

(concerned) Do you have a Wali involved with your online search for a spouse? Please, please involve someone else. There are very many scammers of all types. Not just money scammers, but also men who are looking to play. And please get a legal marriage. There are Muslim men out there who will marry you Islamically, but who have very shocking intentions. They have no interest in a legal marriage, though, as they have no intention of treating you as a true wife. The only caveat to that would be the men (and there are many) who are looking for immigration. They will marry you legally to get into the country.

(sigh) I can't get into this in detail on this thread, nor right now. But as you are setting up a profile, I wanted to warn you. Please, please be very wary of men on marriage sites, even sites that are supposed to be Islamic. Always have someone check them over for you, right from the beginning. And be very cautious about accepting what they claim. Obtain hard proof.

May Allah, the Kind, Protect you and Help you find a good husband.

[Zahiba]

Thank you musliminshallah for your concern and yes don't worry I have already informed my wali that I am searching online. I'm being very careful because I already had the misfortune of joining a matrimonial website last year and deleted it soon after, after discovering what some of the men were like on there. Was truly disgusting to see them calling themselves devout Muslims but behaving very inappropriately online. Now I am walking into this with my eyes wide open.