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View Full Version : Matrimonial site, no wali permission. Qs for men: what do you think of such girls?



anonymous
04-03-2015, 04:43 PM
As-salaamu alaykum,

Brothers, If you were to use an online marriage web-site, such as HalfOurDeen or Pure Matrimony (which are islamic), and you "met" a girl, during a conversation you hear she hasn't told her parents about registering on the respective web-site. What would you think of her? Do you think this could make her husband respect and appreciate her less in the future?

Now, my story. I've wanted to get married since I was 16. I would have hoped to meet my spouse normally in my everyday life, and I used to patiently wait in the past. However, after I reached the age of 20 in university, I was hoping to get married soon as I had always hoped to get married young and to see my children when they've grown up. Still I didn't meet anyone. During the next two years, I started to wonder a lot if I'll ever meet anyone and "became obsessed" with marriage. I even went back to my home country for a quite long period of time solely in hopes of being approached by someone. Didn't happen. Then back to Europe after realizing that the men there have a completely different set of mind (not that I was proposed to, but I realized it was for the best as the locals there dream of living in Europe). Then at the age of 22, I ended up registering at two online matrimonial web-sites.

This isn't the safest way I had planned to meet a potential spouse, but to be honest I had started to literally continuously think of marriage and companionship. Previously I had been to shy to go for online options, but when feeling extremely lonely (I live alone although it's considered unacceptable in my culture), I started to influence my studies and life very negatively. I know our purpose of life isn't marriage, and I did try to "control" my thoughts, but failed. I changed as a student and my grades fell significantly only because of this topic, unfortunately.

I guess I just want to do something about getting married, and have difficulty just sitting in a flat waiting for the suitable person to appear.

Please brothers answer my question honestly...


p.s. I have never posted my picture online, never spoken to men on phone, and I do avoid unnecessarily talking to men alone.
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legendaryman
04-04-2015, 04:28 AM
First thing ...you said you live alone, can you elaborate. ...and next thing in Islam nikha cannot be done without your wali permission .this is very strictly. ..and next thing is you cannot met non mahram alone without your wali (unless for marriage also) ....
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legendaryman
04-04-2015, 04:42 AM
The question is not what men think of you when you met....but you cannot do this..any Islamic boy doesn't aspect this ..remember this rules are from Allah (swt) .the creator of this world .he knows world better than anyone and undoubtedly if break any rule, you will be in problem ....
So ease your mind and try to convince your parents ..
If you fail than wait for some time .may Allah has something better for you
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greenhill
04-04-2015, 07:17 AM
I have read several posts in the past about marriage prospects and the Islamic perspective. Despite what is said regarding the sunnah etc, it appears that local customs have a very strong foothold on the actual process.

Although the marriage is between two people who will be building a new family of their own, the marriage is also about uniting the two 'larger' families too.

My only input here is to remember that you only grow older with each passing day. What you want and what you should get are separate matters.

Don't waste your opportunities at hand whilst waiting for your preferred desires. As you said, there are no candidates for the moment in terms of marriage, concentrate in your own development via education. Get something for yourself.. you deserve it. When marriage comes along, you can still get married. But please complete your education and not pull out because marriage is available. You will sell yourself short.

:peace:
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anonymous
04-04-2015, 07:18 AM
Of course, I would never do a nikah without the permission of my father. I know I need his agreement for a marriage. But the question was not about that. The question was about if it is inapproapriate to search online for a spouse in the case of girls. I'm asking because of the conservative culture I'm coming from.

This question was raised in my head when one guy expressing interest briefly mentioned "I hope you have told your parent as I personally wouldn't like it if my daughter would search online without telling me first".

Imagine if I were to marry one of these guys who would consider it inappropriate...

I've learned from the marriages of the people around me that if a guy gets a girl easy or she sees her coming after him he won't appreciate her after marriage. I was wondering how about if a guy meets a girl online (not dating sites), would that affect him?
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anonymous
04-04-2015, 07:26 AM
Originally Posted by greenhill
I have read several posts in the past about marriage prospects and the Islamic perspective. Despite what is said regarding the sunnah etc, it appears that local customs have a very strong foothold on the actual process.
In my case, definitely does. Although I do have my limits when agreeing to the demandments of my culture. I wouldn't agree to a wedding party filled with dancing with opposite gender, but when it comes to marrying someone from a similar culture, that I think I would have to follow as I would otherwise have a very difficult time convincing my traditional parents.

My only input here is to remember that you only grow older with each passing day. What you want and what you should get are separate matters.
.
Don't waste your opportunities at hand whilst waiting for your preferred desires. As you said, there are no candidates for the moment in terms of marriage, concentrate in your own development via education. Get something for yourself.. you deserve it. When marriage comes along, you can still get married. But please complete your education and not pull out because marriage is available. You will sell yourself short.
This sounds like something my mother would definitely tell me. I was planning to continue my studies after marriage. To tell the truth my brains know you're right, but my heart feels lonely (and sadly this has affected my studies negatively by wasting time in idleness)
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anonymous
04-04-2015, 07:29 AM
Originally Posted by legendaryman
First thing ...you said you live alone, can you elaborate.
I study in an area where my family aren't located --> hence I live alone in my own flat.
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greenhill
04-04-2015, 07:41 AM
What a guy might think is something I cannot speculate. The term 'easy come easy go' might have a bearing to what you are trying to imply. But playing hard to get will not make it any more different in the long run because it is human tendency to take things for granted eventually.

On what your mother might say, ;D , a lot of people I see in this day and age put their happiness in the hands of others. It hardly ever starts with themselves as being the the prime motivator. Develop yourself first. Feel it important to achieve something before marriage. Who knows, that your future husband is the one you were destined to meet in a successful work environment?

:peace:
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anonymous
04-04-2015, 07:58 AM
Originally Posted by greenhill
What a guy might think is something I cannot speculate. The term 'easy come easy go' might have a bearing to what you are trying to imply. But playing hard to get will not make it any more different in the long run because it is human tendency to take things for granted eventually.

On what your mother might say, ;D , a lot of people I see in this day and age put their happiness in the hands of others. It hardly ever starts with themselves as being the the prime motivator. Develop yourself first. Feel it important to achieve something before marriage. Who knows, that your future husband is the one you were destined to meet in a successful work environment?

:peace:
The thing is I will graduate when I am 25 year-old. Girls post mid-twenties are less "popular". Generally, I've felt that religious brothers tend to get married when they're 21-26 year old.

To be honest, now that I'm reading my texts I sound so immature. Truthfully I am unable to form my own decisions in life, I don't know what is acceptable and what not. Don't know what to do, or the biggest question is, am I supposed to do anything (till now online has been only possible means) if I want to get married. Girls are the ones who receive the proposal, guys are the ones who search. Should I view it as destiny and God will put the right one in my way?
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greenhill
04-04-2015, 08:45 AM
Immature? No. Confused or uncertain, yes. Everybody goes through it in their own ways.

But I think you have gotten your answer. That is your inability to make your own decisions and on deciding what is acceptable and what is not.

I never knew what my future would hold. All I can see is what is available out there (and it does not mean I will get it). But back then I knew I had to get a job and I had to get married, (everyone did). Mutually exclusive. Perhaps, the choice of spouse depended on the potential of me as the provider.

So I thought then, everything that is on offer is up for grabs. But of course I didn't want everything. I was thick as two short planks.

Of course at the time I was too young to get married. The point is, marriage is not on the cards right now, so GO DO something good for yourself. Don't throw it away.

:peace:
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BeTheChange
04-04-2015, 08:45 AM
Walaikumasalaam

Your wanting brothers opinion's so i won't comment but maybe this thread will help in sha Allah >>> http://www.islamicboard.com/family-a...ng-person.html

I hope you find a husband that fulfills your need in this life and the next Ameen!
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anonymous
04-04-2015, 08:55 AM
Originally Posted by BeTheChange
Walaikumasalaam

Your wanting brothers opinion's so i won't comment but maybe this thread will help in sha Allah >>> http://www.islamicboard.com/family-a...ng-person.html

I hope you find a husband that fulfills your need in this life and the next Ameen!
Ameen dear. Thank you for the link. Sisters' opinions on the topic are welcome as well. I directed the question to brothers because this whole question arose when conversing with a bro.
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ardianto
04-04-2015, 09:04 AM
Assalamualaikum, anonymous, whoever you are.

As brother Greenhill has said, what a guy think is something that cannot be speculated. It's because everyone is different, every guy think differently too.

I myself, if I were to seek a wife in matrimonial site, I would not ask a girl whether she has told her wali or not because a girl doesn't need permission from her wali if only to do effort to get a life-partner. However, when I met a girl, must be I wanted to talk to her wali. Not only because this is Islamic procedure, but also to make sure that her wali would not prevent me. So, young sister, soon or later you must tell your wali that you have registered in a matrimonial site. And I suggest you to tell it before someone propose marriage to make your wali not 'shocked' when someone suddenly want to talk with him.

You are right, the girl in position which she wait for proposal, while the guy in position which he 'look around' and then propose marriage to a girl who makes him interested.

What makes a guy interested to propose marriage?. There are only two factors. First, the guy knows that this girl is 'opening her heart' to accept someone. Second, the guy sees her as a girl who is worth to be taken as a wife. If there is only one factor, then the guy will not interested to propose marriage.

What you should do now is develop yourself to be a girl who is worth to be taken as a wife. I means, you should improve your good manner and etiquette, improve your good attitude and behaviour. To make people have positive image toward you.

Register in matrimonial site is one way that you can do, but not the only way. In one thread I have ever gave idea which a girls must not lock herself in her room, but must active in socialization with other women, especially older women in the "mother and auntie generation". Then she must try to make those women have positive image on her because it can make those women interested to introduce her to their sons, or nephews, or male relatives.

This idea came from what I have noticed. In my society, the mothers have habit to match someone with another. When a mother see a girl who look good, then she will think "Hey, she can be the right wife for my son/nephew". Then she will try to match this girl with her son, or nephew, or her male relative. There are many women in my place who get husbands through this way. Maybe the mothers and aunties in your Muslim society have same habit too.

Okay young sister, at last I will say, may Allah give you easiness in your effort. Don't forget to always make dua.

:)
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greenhill
04-04-2015, 02:05 PM
Hi Anonymous,

Brother Signor posted a thread "Things my grandmother told me" might be of use to you inspirationally.

:peace:
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