farazali
04-20-2015, 03:59 PM
Excellent new blog, with a relatable article. Muslimwords dot com.
Why Can’t I Get Married?
Boy, did I ask this question a lot. A LOT. It took me nearly 7 years of searching before I finally had success. In fact, I’m confident that my sole purpose for attending university was to get married. There should be a national university league for ‘Marriage Opportunities’. My university would be last – because it was appallingly inept at hooking me up. I also lived in a very closed circle with fairly limited options. They were so limited that I was being suggested girls for a third or fourth time by the so-called ‘Rishta Aunties’. Bless them, constantly looking at young ones like fresh meat, psycho-analysing personality traits and linking them up just like that.
Perhaps I was at fault for wanting to get married so young (18 to be precise). And for actively pursuing it myself at university, which, let’s face it – is primarily for ‘Higher Education’. But what choice does living in ‘The West’ leave for hormone-ridden, verging on insane, teenagers? We all want the great romantic promises of films like ‘The Notebook’, or ‘DDLJ’ for the Bollywood fanatics. I was convinced traveling around Europe would definitely result in me bumping in to my ‘senorita’…. shudder. Ah to be young and desperate and totally influenced under the magic of popular culture. Every step was as if you were in a musical and something great was around the corner. Well, it wasn’t and Bollywood is a big fat lie – almost. I say almost, because ‘love’ and ‘romance’ are real, but perhaps its definition has been over-ridden by pages of fantasy.
That’s the problem. It’s a major, major problem. How we expect marriage to be in real life is a direct translation of what we have experienced through songs, adult fiction and television. We all want that perfect story, full of hurdles and incessant declarations of love with poetical symphonies. We want a grand demonstration of our affection so the world remarks ‘now that, that is true love’. Weave this with witnessing your own parents / false exteriors of other couples and you have this fantastical interpretation of marriage that is devoid of the most important thing: YOU.
What do you want? What did I want? Was I even sure? Perhaps I was so grounded in carnal desires alone, without a true understanding of what marriage actually was, that in reflection it was better that I didn’t get married early. Too many young souls dive in to it thinking life will be as it always was, and then it hits them like a gale force hits a man wearing a thawb and no underwear. Off-guard and completely clueless. Horrible for the person, and horrible for the witnesses.
I didn’t have a childhood sweetheart. Never found anyone growing up. So I had to do it the old school way. Families talk, families meet and if things don’t work out – families awkwardly ignore each other till The Day of Judgement. So this blog is for those who know that struggle.
This is not an exhaustive guide, it’s merely reflection. I’m going to list the thoughts that ravaged my brain as I searched for the ‘perfect one*’ through a billion meetings and two billion samosas. I’ll add a little commentary on each thought knowing what I know now, and knowing that I still have a lot to know. Y’know?
*NB ‘perfect’ does not, in any way, signify faultlessness.
Perhaps you may corroborate, perhaps they may seem like alien concepts. Whatever they are for you, they were true for me.
1) ‘Am I Too Picky?’
My standards were incredibly ambitious initially. Was I being too picky? Will I really find a supermodel hijaabi who would be an excellent cook and just happen to be a Haafidhah?
It’s a phenomenally effortless job to haphazardly jot down all your preferences and tiny details like ‘her left 1st incisor tooth has to be 1.2 cm’. It’s simple mathematics. The longer the list, the lower the probability of finding those specifications in one person. Let’s not be that desperate that we have just ‘woman’ on the list – let’s invite some realism to our search.
There are infinite things to be picky with, and we choose them all minus one. I was definitely picky, because of my own actions. I’ve interacted with, and seen, so many women that I created this perfect image in my head of all the great qualities across them all. I created a super-wife and I suffered the consequences. I became the villain of my own story. Free-mixing has some serious pitfalls.
Be honest with what you truly need in life and in a partner. That honesty needs to be brutal, and short. If push comes to shove, what three qualities are a must, for example?
Physical attraction is crucial to every marriage, and it’s subjective. Do not sacrifice that. Please don’t go by what your friends consider as ‘hot’. They’re not marrying your spouse – you are. Alas, so many of us are convinced that we require the same things our companions unanimously desire. We forget our own individuality. People have different tastes, and you may well be in your own class. A Sheikh humorously once told me: ‘Make sure your spouse turns you on. So stare at her to see if that’s the case…’
On the other hand, looks fade. A clichéd phrase that cannot be emphasised enough. Furthermore, why do all these supermodels and actors cheat on their spouses who are already ‘super-hot’? The heart becomes dead and the nafs wants something new and exciting again.
Self-control still exists after marriage, so don’t make the mistake of thinking ‘Yes, all sorted. Nothing to worry about any more’.
I didn’t want to sacrifice religion. Your spouse is entrusted not only to you, but to your children as well. No one will fulfil your rights better than a person who’s relationship with God dictates life. And Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was indeed right – choose the one with faith.
If you agree with the above – that only really leaves one spot, right? Go wild. But you’ll realise you’ve opened up your choices a lot more.
2) Am I Too Religious?
If you ever marry someone hoping they’ll become more, or less, religious – then you’re in for a really, really hard time. Don’t expect changes. In fact, have no expectations – at all. With anything!
Intend to marry someone on the same level, religious or not. Promise to love them not for who they are, but for whomever they may become (to a reasonable extent).
See, for me, the struggle was identifying exactly how religious I was. Am I a hardcore-every-Islamic-course-attending-Egypt-travelling-scholar or am I a simple ‘stick to the basics’ type of guy. Of course, there are 50 Shades (apt? too crude?) in between. Then, where do I want to be?
From experience, it seems most young ‘Western’ Muslims are somewhere along the middle category here. Love Islam, support all the great causes and courses, but love to have a laugh, watch TV, go to the cinema etc. It’s important to know where your potential spouse draws the line. Are there things that you just cannot abandon? Music? Smoking? TV? Think. Small things have a propensity to become big in marriage.
I once met a girl who told me football was haraam because it was ‘a waste of 90 minutes of your life’. When I asked how she imagines ‘chilling with her husband’ – she replied: ‘Oh, probably playing golf’
LOL OKAY THEN, BYE BYE.
3) Am I Looking In The Right Places?
Man, I tried everything. I had random uncles even suggest a 16 year old who had just flown in from Pakistan on political asylum. I went online and found seemingly decent people at first, but their questions frequently became sexual. I never tried the ‘speed-dating’ style services – though I definitely would have.
The fact is, my luck was bad. The internet, marriage events, rishta aunties, uncles, friends. These are all excellent avenues. Ignore the world and its ridiculous stigmatisation. Do what you have to do. Don’t be afraid to expand your horizons and seek help where needed. It’s a difficult world to get married in as it is, so don’t make it more difficult. I’ll be controversial here and say if it’s someone from online social media that’s caught your eye – investigate (in an appropriate manner). I find true reflections of people are extremely difficult to grasp in the few meetings before marriage. The Internet is at least a little *more* honest to the personality of the person concerned in most cases.
If it’s someone you know, either ask a proxy, or approach them yourself. Ain’t nobody got time for waiting around. It’s increasingly becoming less taboo for women to ask first (though it should never be taboo in the first place). If you don’t ask, you’ll forever regret it.
4) Am I Rebounding?
Some of us are probably hurting a lot from previous failed proposals. Some of us have probably crushed hard on someone only to attend their wedding to someone else a few weeks later. Whatever it is, do NOT get married to someone else just to make yourself feel like you’ve proved a point. Trust me, it’s all too easy to do that, and it happens.
There were many times when I was upset from broken proposals, that I would’ve either given up on marriage, or been extremely open to another proposal. Stabilise your emotions, assess what’s real, then make the move when you’re ready. Just make sure that move isn’t a rebound. It would be a tremendous mistake where you live every day in regret, ruining not only yours – but your spouse’s life along with it.
5) What If She Has A Problem? What If I Have A Problem?
I may well be looking for the perfect woman who complies with my long-list of traits. But what about flaws? Am I too picky in the NEGATIVE sense?
May be I shouldn’t really care about her family history of fifteen toes. Or that she has a mole right on the base of her left nostril. I don’t know.
What I DO know is that spouses may have serious health problems and it’s a very delicate issue. It’s great that I would openly support disabilities, for example, but what if I am unable to deal with it in my personal life?
These are some valid, and pertinent points of discussion. There could be diseases which affect mobility, impacting sexual intimacy. There could be mental health disorders which a person without understanding may not be able to deal with. There may be genetic links that may present themselves with children in the future.
The bottom line here is simple. Know what you are capable of understanding, and coping with – given the facts presented to you. There’s a fine line between good intentions, and marrying someone *thinking* you’ll do great things for them, when you can’t.
I, myself, have some medical history in the family. These are important (and relevant) facts potentials should know. I’m certain this fact had distanced many potentials in the past.
But I know that anything can happen at any time. Healthy spouses may become bed-ridden just like that. Recently came across a mother who lost her husband to a coma whilst she was pregnant with their first child. She gave birth to a beautiful daughter, who grew up watching her father in a coma every day for four years – until his ventilation was turned off. She now leads a very, very difficult life in an ignorant society.
Health issues and disabilities are incredibly challenging, for the sufferers and for those in their families. If you suffer with disabilities, God is your protector and know that there IS a beautiful reward in the end. It’s important potential spouses know how your life is currently, and how their lives can change as a result. I wish there was an easy way to pick out the insincere ones, but in the end, you have to go with your gut.
God may test us just as we are settled on a clear journey, forcing new paths. But that’s when great discoveries are made – right?
6) Are My Meeting Tactics OK?
God knows how many meetings I went to. It’s an art – a form of stage drama if you will. It’s an art that continuously needs refining the more you practice. But the more you ‘practice’ the more you realise a facade is pointless.
I still remember my first meeting – it was in Manchester (funnily, my last meeting ever was there too). Awkward is a gross under-statement. You’re not sure how much you’re allowed to say. I mean, can I ask about kids straight away? And if I do ask, what if I accidentally look like a pervert?
I don’t think I actually saw what this girl looked like at all during the first meeting. I was too scared I’d look like a sleaze-ball. I’d end up doing really fast glances and I just looked like one of those shady cartoon characters who clearly is up to no good. I realised, eventually, that it’s important to look and make sure you’re completely at ease physically.
Then there are the parents. Oh God the parents. They stare like no tomorrow. And they’ll stare. And stare. And stare. It’s like some crazy mind-reading game and you’re just looking back with an increasingly fatiguing smile. Then you grab another samosa. The silence lasts forever and you’re forced to consider farting to break the trend.
The siblings of the potential spouse can be real revelations. Occasionally, they’re of the same generation – so at least they understand what’s going on. They know you’re a nervous wreck – and if they’re nice enough, they’ll ease you in to it.
The more meetings you attend, the more slick (or exasperated and full of hopelessness) you become. You’ll know the perfect questions to ask first time around and the questions that can wait.
A joke ice-breaker is always a safe bet when you first chat – though avoid racism, sexism and violence as a subject matter. Just a tip.
Jokes may not be your thing. I realised that I needed to be myself. Not Rahul, or Jack. Being true to yourself, invites a truthful relationship in the future.
And that’s what I started doing. I answered questions with honesty, even if I knew they’re not the answers the other party would want to hear. It takes time though, unless you happen to be so lucky that you hit the jackpot on the first visit.
The butterflies will always be there, and they should be there till marriage to be honest. If they disappear after the first meeting – something’s wrong.
7) Do I Actually Want To Get Married?
At 18? For the wrong reasons. At 25? Yes.
When you’re failing at something for so long, you secretly question if you’re sub-consciously sabotaging all the opportunities that present themselves.
The truth is no one is ever prepared for marriage to the fullest extent. Until you take the plunge, it’s all conjecture and misinformed experiences. On reflection, a lot of things about marriage are different from what you expect.
It’s human nature to enjoy chasing the unattainable. It’s my personal theory as to why couples are so enthusiastic and lovey-dovey before marriage, and then are unable to cope with the rights and responsibilities after. That objective is achieved – that thrill and ‘next step’ is gone. So now what? You spent perhaps 2-3 years knowing each other, of which perhaps half was wasted on being engaged (without valid reason). Now that you’re married – what more is left to enjoy? You already know the other’s favourite dishes, their pet peeves, their dreams. Sometimes even physical intimacy is not new. The honeymoon then becomes like a trip with an old couple who argue at the silliest of things.
Savour that honeymoon period. It’s a balance trying to know everything about someone to identify if they’re suited versus irrelevant details. Save that till after, because it’s that much sweeter.
Marriage is hard work, and the labour starts straight away. It’s actually about sacrifice, forgiving and selflessness. Yes, it is certainly beautiful, and completes half your faith – but if the other half; Zakaah, Hajj, Fasting etc is so difficult, why are we relaxed with marriage?
I forgot that at some point. Marriage is more than the romance, physical intimacy, cute messages. It’s about the little big things – when you walk slowly so that your spouse doesn’t wake up after a hard day. When you offer to change the nappy. When you’re ill but your spouse still chooses to stay next to you. When they make you a cup of tea without you even saying it. Or when you take the worst selfie and your spouse still likes your Instagram post.
Then there are things you may want to achieve before you get married. Perhaps a month’s PlayStation marathon, or a World Tour? Perhaps you want to live free and not worry about finances and saving for a house – buy the things you wanted to buy? Balance it all and be happy with where you are in life, before the next life begins. Perhaps your spouse wants to do the World Tour with you?!
Put this in the context of your pursuit of happiness. Are you ready? Once you’ve fulfilled that desire you’ve had for so long – are you ready to sustain the real fabric of a relationship till eternity? That’s the challenge.
8) What If I Love Someone Else?
I suppose this hearkens back to the ‘rebound’ thing. But it had me thinking. What if I actually did like someone else – and all these failed proposals were leading to that person?
Does ‘love’ exist before marriage? I certainly think so. I think God can place love in our hearts for anyone. But that does not make acting on it pure. Purity is attained by doing the right thing and tying the knot. That’s where the blessings lie.
So this is one of those tragedies in life. Five people can love one person but only one person will realistically end up with them. The other four will carry that thought with them to their graves. It’ll become a part of them forever. Sadly, most of them probably never asked.
Ask – honestly, ASK. Or you’ll forever regret it. I’ve seen it happen so often and then people ‘settle’. Too often, I see people wandering from house to house, rejecting proposal after proposal because they lied to themselves and they lacked the courage. Don’t be from that group.
I never knew anyone growing up, so I almost considered ‘settling’. That would’ve been incredibly stupid. Just because things don’t work out with others doesn’t mean you have to start forcing yourself in to relationships. Don’t misconstrue signs and signals. ‘Oh perhaps this is what God wants me to do’. You can never tell for sure. What you can tell though, is how God placed you in your situation and how you feel. He then trusts you to do the right thing.
9) I’m Just Not Marriage-Worthy
Nothing damages your self-esteem more than a ‘no’ rejection. It’s painful for the one being rejected, but doing the rejecting is hard too. People want to make it work, and we all want to proceed to the next phase of our lives so keenly.
This is where you have to overcome yourself. One has to focus and truly be in a position to think ‘it’s their loss’. The emphasis here isn’t on arrogance or self-praise, it’s damage control. Once you’re convinced you’re not marriage-worthy, the rest of you will catch up and make it a reality. Positivity is everything.
Sometimes I did the rejecting too. Once I rejected someone purely on physical attraction. The worst thing was we talked for a while before, and actually got along really well. Then when it came to looks – it was awks. You can’t help that, honestly. It’s really hard rejecting someone for that reason, so ask for a picture or two first!
10) ‘It’s The Family’
Technically, this section could be the longest of them all. I found that families from both sides can influence marriages more than anything else on the planet.
‘Their skin’s too dark’
‘Their skin’s too light!’
‘Ugh, not the same caste’
‘Doesn’t have a PhD’
‘Sorry, not from the same country/city/town/village/STREET’
‘They eat different food from us’
‘Father doesn’t have a good job’
Just some examples of things parents may say. Some are outright racist and un-Islamic, and it’s incorrect to repeatedly justify decisions based on these. It seems irrelevant that the couple want to marry each other, that they desperately want to make things legitimate.
Sometimes it’s a generational attitude that is difficult to break down. Sometimes it’s a misunderstanding that may be easily, and gently corrected. The underlying question here is: how do YOU deal with it?
Running away is not an answer. Perhaps speaking to a local common friend, or a local Imaam is? They can act as great proxies. Antagonising is not an answer – arguments, accusations, etc lead to a downward communication spiral and are often difficult to recover from. Silence in this situation is the same as inactivity.
Of course, commonly families DO encourage good. They encourage good qualities in a spouse, and their stubborn is based on valid foundations. In such cases, it is often the children who become the enemies – rebellious and stuck in their ways. A certain part of us young ones wants to rebel just for the sake of it, even if our inner souls recognise that we are in the wrong. The experienced wisdom of elders is priceless.
This is why I feel that God’s laws and guidance is the perfect ‘go to’ point. In any disagreement, let God be the judge. If only both parties were open enough to this idea. The other issue is, of course, that people don’t agree with God’s laws.
I’ve had proposals called off because of simple disagreements, and it’s bewildering. I’m grateful though, Alhamdulillah my parents were easy going in every regard – May Allah grant them Jannah. I’m Indian and I married a Pakistani. Can’t get more chilled than that right?
Level-headed, calm, collected conversations are under-utilised. Try that first.
Living with in-laws itself deserves a 7 book series and has big implications on a filial level. It’s a highly contentious issue, but I’m going to be clear cut here.
Men: Live with your parents only if there is a necessity (extreme ill-health, or extreme old-age). It’s NOT your wife’s duty to stay with or even look after your parents after marriage, regardless of how they are. It is your duty. Whether she does it as part of good etiquette and kind-heartedness is different. An extended household otherwise rarely works. If she wears hijaab and you have siblings, how will she ever look her best for you? Then you also deny her the right to be the master of her own home. If you do decide to stay with your parents, be clear and transparent. Make it known what is expected of her. Then be man enough to stand up for her rights if ever they are oppressed.
Women: Be 100% certain before you decide to live with his parents. It’s so easy to be consumed by how great the guy is, and as a result ignore the challenges of living with in laws. It’s an enormous task full of more sacrifices than marriage alone. And it will be a daily struggle and conflict of preferences. So many women recognise this now, but many are still not psychologically prepared for it, and fail to ever be. Be sure. Be sure. Be sure.
It’s beautiful to see extended families working, but unfortunately it’s so rare. I honestly do respect women who stay with in-laws with patience, it’s not easy. When parents reach old age, it just makes sense to keep them close. This is a duty for the children, and it’s part of the normal cycle of life. My own circumstances meant this discussion happened a lot, and I had to be frank about it.
Spouses need to know the rights of each other, and this goes a long way after marriage.
What Does This All Mean?
It means be patient. Take it easy. Every time someone you know gets married, despite genuine happiness, you may feel ‘Why him? Why her? Why not me? What’s wrong with me?!’. It’ll happen if it’s meant to be. And only the things that are the best for you happen in reality. That’s how God tests us.
There are a lot of things in your hands however, so it’s important to be careful in how you prioritise everything. Don’t lose hope – ever. Hope exists in tandem with happiness.
I know this blog was a little exhausting, but these were some genuine concerns and worries I experienced in my 7 year journey. By no means is it a comprehensive guide; a book needs to be written on this and my blog is a selection of thoughts personal to me.
Constantly renew your intentions, look at The Sunnah, do Istikhaarah and protect yourself with regular Adhkaar. There’s a jealous world out there.
I cannot emphasise the importance of doing things the right way. We all falter, I faltered and still falter. But the more ‘halaal’ we keep our interactions with the ones we want to marry, the more blessings we’ll find raining upon us.
Finally, how do you know if you’ve found the right one? How on earth do you know after you’ve seen a thousand potentials, that just ONE from them is the right one?
You know. You just know. There will not be an ounce of hesitancy and your heart is at peace. Alhamdulillah, that’s how I knew.
In 2009 I had a dream of my wife wearing green clothes entering a room. One year later, coincidentally, she wore the same colour at our Walimah. Who said there isn’t place for a little bit of Bollywood in our lives? I got married at the same age as Prophet Muhammad ﷺ when he married Khadijah: 25. She was 40 according to the majority. So don’t let age defeat you. Don’t let the words of disparaging aunties put you down. It’s easily said, and particularly severe for women in our society. But it’s time to take a stand and change things for the better. A defeatist attitude will only propel the prejudices out there.
The tears, the struggles and tests of faith – these sometimes underline our journey to marriage. We’ll get there in the end, in this life or in the next, more-beautiful ever-lasting one. Mark my words, regardless of the triumphs and failures you experience, finding a partner is a journey of self-discovery. If it isn’t, you’re doing it all wrong.
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