second wife help

[Lisa921]

I have a personal question and I would like to discuss it with my muslim community here.
It is an issue of being in polygamy in the west.
My own situation is such that polygamy might help me retain access to my kids since they are in my exhusbands custody. I asked him if he would consider having me as an islamic second wife so that I could continue contact and live with my kids. he said he would ask his new wife now.
the benefits are
1. access to the kids
2. a stronger mother role in the kids life
3. being supported as a wife emotionally and psychological
4. supportive assistance of a sister there to help me
the disadvantages
1. discrimination
2. being judged by society

So I don't know what to do. I asked him but I find myself struggling with wanting someone of my own and my own private family
If I do this and be a second wife then I will have to have supportive resources out there and a lot of knowledge which I don't know where to find. I would like to know what resources are there in Canada or the world for me to learn from.

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:


keep praying to Allah to grant what is best for all of you.

[ardianto]

:sl:

I can understand if a woman decided to become the second wife. But become the second wife of ex-husband who has remarried?.

Presence of another woman always cause pain for a wife. And if this another woman was someone from the husband's past, this pain would be double, or even multiply. I think, as a woman you know about it.

So, will you ruin the happiness of your ex-husband's new wife?. If you just want to be close with your children, you can discuss about it with your ex-husband without ask him to take you as his second wife. You should be willing to 'release' your ex who now is belong to someone else. You should be able to close the story that has been end.

I can understand your situation. You are alone now, and you are regretting the divorce that happened. You want start again the old story in the better way. But since your ex has remarried, you make a deal with yourself which tolerate yourself to become your ex-husband's second wife.

Yes, this is cause why you think you should become his second wife. If you just want to be close with your children, then you would think and do like other divorcee, discuss with your ex-husband to share responsibility toward your children.

Try to see something through wider perspective, try to thinking long about the consequences that will be happen before you take a decision. To be honest, sister. I follow your post, and I can see that you have an impulsive personality. I am sure, you often took decision that based only on momentary feeling.

I understand your situation. I understand if you feel alone. But it's better if you make dua wish Allah gives someone new as your new husband.

I am sorry if my advice is too harsh. But this is the best advice that I can give to you.

[saifdeen]

Do what you think is right by your kids. Social stigma is nothing to us, we are the strangers. You named 2 clear objective advantages (3 and 4 aren't) versus 2 subjective disadvantages. You wouldn't have had this idea if you thought there was other avenues you could pursue. As a child of a single mother, I urge you to put them before your feelings. I rightly or wrongly blame many of my shortcomings on my parental situation and upbringing, and had there been a way to keep them both in my life, I would have jumped at it.

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[Abz2000]

Presence of another woman always cause pain for a wife.*

Lol not always bro, i had this algerian aquaintance (jhd type) who spent a lot of time away from home, and his wife would ask him if he would marry her best friend so they could spend more time together and have halal company.
The brother declined i believe due to concern over his financial abilities.
Dunno if he accepted later though as we lost contact.
Not all situations are the same. ;)

Also there are many women (even infidels) that would choose polyginy if given the choice between sharing a rich or powerful husband - and an insecure monogamy.
check all those famous rappers with two or more cuties on either side.
Women usually choose safety over risk - even when it comes to driving.
Maybe it's natural, due to their need to be able to rear children comfortably.
Others can be quite jealous and play cunning tricks.

Sister, it's halal, befriend the woman if you can and choose Allah's guidance over the ignorant.

[Signor]

Assalamu Alaikum

sentence edited

Can you please rephrase this sentence? or come up with other words.

[Lisa921]

salaam alaykum
well he found this woman when we were married. I divorced him because he found her and I was not ready to be in a polygamous marriage.
But now I'm reconsidering my first decision because maybe it was right for the family all things considered.
I appreciate all the kind advice.
thank you all
lisa

[ardianto]

salaam alaykum
well he found this woman when we were married. I divorced him because he found her and I was not ready to be in a polygamous marriage.
But now I'm reconsidering my first decision because maybe it was right for the family all things considered.
I appreciate all the kind advice.
thank you all
lisa

Hmm, ... the background is clear now.

Okay sis, you don't need to try to grab him back, especially if you must become his second wife while that woman now is the first wife. What you have to do now is open your heart for someone new.

[Signor]

Assalamu Alaikum Sis Lisa

Are you aware of this condition(given in link)?

http://islamqa.info/en/158075

[Abz2000]

Assalamu Alaikum



Can you please rephrase this sentence? or come up with other words.

Assalamu'alaikum wr wb brother, it is not in any way meant to demean the splendid part which she (ra) played in our education, the best i can do is advise you to read the tafseer of surh tahreem:

Here's the word of Allah:

Surah 66. Banning, Prohibition

1.*O Prophet! Why holdest thou to be forbidden that which Allah has made lawful to thee? Thou seekest to please thy consorts. But Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

2.*Allah has already ordained for you, (O men), the dissolution of your oaths (in some cases): and Allah is your Protector, and He is Full of Knowledge and Wisdom.

3.*When the Prophet disclosed a matter in confidence to one of his consorts, and she then divulged it (to another), and Allah made it known to him, he confirmed part thereof and repudiated a part. Then when he told her thereof, she said, "Who told thee this? "He said, "He told me Who knows and is well-acquainted (with all things)."

4.*If ye two turn in repentance to Him, your hearts are indeed so inclined; But if ye back up each other against him, truly Allah is his Protector, and Gabriel, and (every) righteous one among those who believe,- and furthermore, the angels - will back (him) up.

5.*It may be, if he divorced you (all), that Allah will give him in exchange consorts better than you,- who submit (their wills), who believe, who are devout, who turn to Allah in repentance, who worship (in humility), who travel (for Faith) and fast,- previously married or virgins.

6.*O ye who believe! save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who flinch not (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do (precisely) what they are commanded.7.*(They will say), "O ye Unbelievers! Make no excuses this Day! Ye are being but requited for all that ye did!"8.*O ye who believe! Turn to Allah with sincere repentance: In the hope that your Lord will remove from you your ills and admit you to Gardens beneath which Rivers flow,- the Day that Allah will not permit to be humiliated the Prophet and those who believe with him. Their Light will run forward before them and by their right hands, while they say, "Our Lord! Perfect our Light for us, and grant us Forgiveness: for Thou hast power over all things."9.*O Prophet! Strive hard against the Unbelievers and the Hypocrites, and be firm against them. Their abode is Hell,- an evil refuge (indeed).10.*Allah sets forth, for an example to the Unbelievers, the wife of Noah and the wife of Lut: they were (respectively) under two of our righteous servants, but they were false to their (husbands), and they profited nothing before Allah on their account, but were told: "Enter ye the Fire along with (others) that enter!"

11.*And Allah sets forth, as an example to those who believe the wife of Pharaoh: Behold she said: "O my Lord! Build for me, in nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden, and save me from Pharaoh and his doings, and save me from those that do wrong";

12.*And Mary the daughter of 'Imran, who guarded her chastity; and We breathed into (her body) of Our spirit; and she testified to the truth of the words of her Lord and of His Revelations, and was one of the devout (servants).



Our mothers are human

[Lisa921]

Assalamu Alaikum Sis Lisa

Are you aware of this condition(given in link)?

http://islamqa.info/en/158075

^o)what are you suggesting?
He only divorced me once. And I would not marry someone on his deathbed to have someone back...that's just strange...sorry.
lisa

[Signor]

what are you suggesting?
He only divorced me once. And I would not marry someone on his deathbed to have someone back...that's just strange...sorry.
lisa

I failed to get my point across.I want to inquire,Are you aware of the conditions involved in marrying your first husband again as stated in Qur'an as well as Hadith?

“And if he has divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she has married another husband. Then, if the other husband divorces her, it is no sin on both of them that they reunite, provided they feel that they can keep the limits ordained by Allâh. These are the limits of Allâh, which He makes plain for the people who have knowledge” [al-Baqarah 2:230].

Link provided only expounds on above verse.

[Lisa921]

Ardianto has made some good points...I will not disturb the harmony of his new marriage and let him be...its probably just wishful thinking.
But whats done is done and I accepted that and moved on. But thanks for all the advice and even if I was going to marry him again it would be halal because he only divorced me once. I know about the hadith about divorcing three times. I think if a person divorces you that many times then just move on already...the limits of Allah are clear and wise. subhana allah. allahu Akbar.
thanks for the advice all. but from my new post its clear I moved on...its been three years of separation and 4 months divorced. I don't think its rushing.

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:


sis , why all your kids are with father and not with u ?

[Lisa921]

Assalamu alaykum
Its really was a personal decision sister...it had to do what was best for them at the time, and I had no choice really. But Alhamdulillah I still have contact with them.
I leave the door open for my kids anytime they need to stay with me in the future insha allah. I would never shut them out even if they reach 30 years old and need a place to stay.
But ya, like I said, I put their interests before my own in my personal situation. Although I loved them more than anyone on earth and could have killed myself with legal battles to have them, that would not have been good for them considering the situation they were in. So I picked the choice that led them to have stability, and a good future. I don't regret as I my exhusbands were good muslims and they let me see my kids anytime I want

[Zahiba]

How horrible sister, how or why on earth did he get access to your children and not you? in the west the courts ALWAYS favour with the mother!