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Signor
06-16-2015, 02:33 PM
Marriage Bandits

Muslim communities around the world face many challenges, from both within as well as outside sources. Certain issues, such as poverty and substance abuse, are widespread amongst all races and religions. The Muslim community, however, also has problems unique to itself.

One particular phenomenon has come to be known as that of “marriage fraud” – a problem found in both the West and the Muslim world, although its occurrence has been more widely documented in the West. Most cases of “marriage fraud” are recorded to take place in certain areas of America, Canada, and the UK, although there is evidence that it also occurs in other Western and Arab countries.

Shaykh Younus Kathrada, a South-African born Canadian imam has provided Islamic counseling and support services for over 20 years. He identifies the “marriage bandit” phenomenon as being when Muslim men and who claim to be knowledgeable and pious Muslims, prey on vulnerable women and convince them into marriages, only to use and abuse them, and leave them soon thereafter. Some of these individuals have married and divorced women countless times, passing them around to their friends and treating the women like a disposable commodity.

It is an evil practice which abuses and damages Muslim women; which destroys numerous homes, scars entire generations of children, and turns formerly earnest Muslims away from Islam completely.

The mentality that encourages this conduct has no religious backing or justification whatsoever, no matter what they claim or how they attempt to twist and use the Deen of Islam to excuse their exploitation of naïve and sincere women.

“Marriage fraud” is no small thing; it involves psychological, emotional, and physical abuse; manipulation; outright deceit and duplicity, and worst of all, lack of any sense of conscientiousness, responsibility, or taqwa.

Targets and Tactics

In a time when marriage is a hot topic amongst every generation of Muslims, when young Muslim men and women find it extremely difficult to find suitable marriage partners, women inevitably remain the most vulnerable sector. Pressured by family or the community, or simply due to their great desire to fulfill the sunnah of marriage, many women fail to take the necessary precautions when choosing a spouse.

In his experience with “marriage bandits” and their victims, Shaykh Younus has noted that certain women are at particular risk for being targeted by predators: converts/ reverts and newly-practicing Muslim women, especially those with non-Muslim or non-practicing families. There are various factors which place them at risk of being lured into abusive relationships.

Some women have turned to Islam after many difficult experiences in their lives, including having had previous multiple relationships and children from those relationships. In an effort to support themselves and their children, and often with a naïve view of what Muslim marriages are like, they eagerly accept proposals of marriage without digging deeper into their suitors’ backgrounds. Some of these women may have other issues which they feel make them “less deserving” of being “choosy” when it comes to choosing a spouse, such as mental illnesses, financial instability, or even body image issues.

Unfortunately, the predators know exactly what to look for, what to say, and what to do to persuade these women into marriage. In some cases, they will find their victims through cyberspace: in the context of “Islamic” chatrooms and forums, these men will reach out to women seeking Islamic knowledge and build an emotional relationship with them based on the Deen. They place a strong emphasis on marriage and polygyny, and will remind these sisters that their “place” is in the home as a wife and mother. Sooner or later, the men – and sometimes even the women – will propose to the other party.

Other abusers have a tried-and-tested method within their own communities. They will have a friend’s wife look out for and befriend new sisters who join the community, building a relationship with them and slowly encouraging them to marry “a good brother my husband knows.”

One extremely common tactic used both by the cyber-predators as well as the local ones is religious and emotional manipulation: pressuring these women to marry quickly to “fulfill the sunnah” and “protect their desires.” For women seeking stability and a life partner, the combination of emotional blackmail (a woman who does not get married quickly is not a good Muslimah) and flattering attention (“You are such a pious, wonderful Muslimah and I must marry you in order to protect myself!”) can be very persuasive.

When approached by men who promise to give them a “happy Islamic household,” who tell them that their beauty lies in their practice of the Deen rather than their looks; and convince them that polygyny is a sunnah that they should practice, many Muslim women are convinced by the idea of a perfect Islamic marriage and agree to these proposals.

Warning Signs
Almost all “marriage bandit” abusers display characteristics which should act as red flags for any Muslimah about to get married.

To begin with, the woman is often told that her wali is either unsuitable (due to not being practicing enough, not approving of the suitor, or because he is “making marriage difficult for no reason”), or not valid (especially in the case of women with non-Muslim parents and family). The man will then convince the woman that they have a better person to act as the wali, usually a close friend of the man.

Many women are also told that to ask for a mahr of any financial value is wrong, or against the Sunnah. The hadeeth about the most blessed marriage being that with the easiest mahr is trotted out and used to make the women feel guilty about making any kind of monetary request.

A woman’s right to a wali who has her best interests in mind, and to a suitable mahr, are an inviolable part of the Shari’ah. No woman should ever be made to forgo these rights which she has been given by Allah Himself!

The Deceit Continues
Unfortunately, the abuse only continues and exacerbates once the woman agrees to the marriage. In many cases, she will find out that she has been lied to all along – that she is neither a first wife, or the only wife, but that the man she has just married has one or more other wives already. In other cases, she will be told that as a second (or third, or fourth) wife, she must either support herself financially or live in the same household as the other wives, and “share” everything!

Other women will find themselves suddenly not only responsible for themselves and any children they may have, but for the man as well. Some predators will hide their criminal records or lack of any education until after the nikah has been done, and then informing their wives that they are unable to work and support their family. They may insist that because they are “seeking knowledge” (usually on Internet chatrooms), it is the wife’s duty to support them in every way, including financially. If the wife complains or challenges him, she is then accused of being a disobedient wife and causing problems. Their earlier recommendations of women remaining within the home are quickly forgotten.

Abuse Across the Board
Financial abuse is not the only type of abuse many women experience in these marriages. Mental abuse and emotional blackmail are rampant; physical and sexual abuse also take place. Victims are often unable to share their experiences or receive the necessary assistance to recover from these traumatizing incidents. Instead, due to the stigma and taboo of all these issues, women who leave these abusive marriages or speak out are more likely to be ostracized within their communities.

Many women have found themselves not only used and abused, but abandoned as well. In some cases, women are divorced for no reason at all other than that their abuser has become tired of them or interested in new prey. Others find themselves pregnant, and are left both divorced and without any child support or even acknowledgement from the child’s father.

Losing Faith
Obviously, every type of abuse takes its toll and has a deep effect on those involved – not only the women themselves, but their children as well. One of the most terrible effects on the victims is that having lived through this vicious cycle, not only once but in many cases several times, the woman or her children may associate Islam with the abuse that they experienced. As a result, they may lose interest in practicing Islam, or leave it completely with extremely negative thoughts and emotions regarding it.

Less drastically, but equally painfully, is that the women feel used and rejected; that their Islamic rights have been violated and that they have no recourse. Some become completely embittered with the idea of marriage and see all Muslim men as predators and abusers.

How to Avoid the Trap

Ask questions! - Don’t jump into a marriage blindly. Be aware of the type of person you are considering. Investigate, have your wali investigate, and don’t trust anyone naively.

A wali is a Muslim woman’s right – a guardian who keeps her best interests in mind. Make sure that your wali is someone who truly looks out for you and whom you trust.

Don’t give up your mahr - Again, this is a Muslim woman’s right which no one can take away! Be reasonable, but don’t be pressured into a “symbolic” mahr either, unless you’re absolutely sure of it.

Patience does not equal suffering - Be aware of the difference between patience with hardship, and being oppressed by someone who is withholding your Islamic rights. If your spouse is abusing you, whether mentally, emotionally, or physically, do not tolerate it. Seek the help of a supportive Imam or sisters who will find the appropriate resources for you.

It is beyond time for the Muslim community to recognize the predators that exist in its midst, and to stand up for its Muslim sisters. The Prophet Muhammad (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: “Help your brother whether he is the oppressor or the oppressed.” He further emphasized that the only way to help the oppressor is to stop his oppression from continuing. Any Muslim who perpetrates or allows such blatant evil to continue is transgressing the rights which their fellow Muslims have over them.

May Allah enable us to stand up for justice, and grant us the courage to fight evil wherever it may be.

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strivingobserver98
06-16-2015, 03:56 PM
:jz: for share.

Wow we have to be really careful these days. Always investigate, don't oversee any red flags because of "Hormonal Love". Nouman Ali Khan has a lecture on that topic too, find it on Youtube. I reckon young Muslims are most prone to these bandits. When the "Chemical love" blinds them, common sense and logic drifts away.
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Lisa921
06-16-2015, 04:09 PM
Assalamu alaykum
Yes this is a big problem in the west. Almost making converts give up on marriage altogether.
We need to address this on a widescale public appeal to the muslims of the west to protect our convert sisters and other sisters who do not have a wali to protect them.
May Allah help us rectify this probem.
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ardianto
06-16-2015, 04:33 PM
The common mistake of women is they are obsessed to marry the prince in their dream. Criteria of 'the prince' in their dream can be varied. There are women who regard handsome man as their prince, there are women who regard rich man as the prince. There are women who regard a man with specific job such as doctor, engineer, as the prince.

This obsession makes them 'blind'. They cannot see the important things of a man, character and personality. So, when a woman like this meet a man who meet her criteria as the prince, like he is a doctor, she would close her eyes and would not look at his character and personality.

The women in the cases of marriage bandits above were obsessed to pious man who has high knowledge of Islam. So, when they met the men who looked pious and fluently talk about Islam, they thought their dream had come true and they forgot to notice those men characters and personalities. Yeah, it's not difficult to pretend as pious man, and learn Islam is not as difficult as practicing Islam.

My advice for sisters is, do not ever have the prince in your dream then obsessed to marry him. But marry someone who can treat you well and make him as your prince.
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Signor
06-16-2015, 04:34 PM
Beware of the Marriage Bandits

I am sick of hearing about those brothers who prey upon the susceptibility of our sisters, using deception as a tool for marriage, and marriage as a guise for the fulfillment of their evil desires. I fear that if something is not done to tackle these abuses, we will only see the number of such incidents increase. Therefore, I feel compelled to share some of the cases I have encountered in order to highlight the nature of the issues at hand, and that we as a community must take drastic action to stop or minimize this evil.

One of the incidents which I came across just recently involved a sister who was divorced and the custodian of her children. She was living alone, away from her parents, when she was approached for marriage by a brother who seemed to be a practising Muslim. She had described that her parents were unhappy with her re-marrying due to her situation. The brother managed to convince her she had a legitimate Islamic right to search for a walī other than her own father due to the fact he was forbidding marriage for her on the basis of what he deemed to be a non-Islamic pretext. She was apprehensive in having a walī appointed from the same cultural background as she feared she may have been exposed within the community. However the brother managed to comfort her, exhorting her to appoint him, himself to find her a suitable walī. Due to her naivety and his callous experience in manipulating women, she accepted. So to summarise; she accepted to marry the brother without consent from her parents via phone and skype, with no witnesses or wedding, her walī was anonymous to her, and the brother she was to marry had the ability to appoint an anonymous walī for her. A few days after the questionable ‘nikāh’ had taken place, her ‘husband’ came to her with no other reason but to fulfil his sexual desire. It was only after this that she discovered he had various other sexual partners whom he had claimed to have married previously. A few days later he left her, however he would continue to return in order to blackmail her for sexual relations as he had convinced her their ‘nikāh’ was still valid. As a result, the sister unfortunately contracted a sexually transmitted disease.

In another incident, a sister who reverted to Islām ended up cohabiting with two men at the same time! Initially she married a brother who had come to the UK to study. The brother then left for his country, only to return within a few months. As a result of being alone, she was approached by another brother who offered to help annul her marriage contract. As she now believed her husband was no longer able to return to the UK, she proceeded. The brother introduced her to a supposed mufti who was located abroad. He went on to annul her contract and pronounce her as a divorcee who was able to marry again. Sometime later, the proclaimed mufti, who this brother had recommended, approached her for marriage himself! As he claimed he was of a certain school of thought, he managed to convince her she did not need a walī and hence they could marry over the phone. They went on to proceed with what I call a ‘tele-nikāh’, and she, without even seeing this so called mufti, was ‘married’ once again. Similar to the previous incident, there was no wedding ceremony and the witnesses were all communicating to the sister via telephone. She later met the mufti, who pronounced himself at her door with a gift and flowers. Overwhelmed, she ‘consummated the marriage’ with him. Shockingly (!), this proclaimed mufti also left after a few nights to his home city where he had a previous wife. A few weeks later, the first husband returned to find that she had ‘married’ someone else. He thereby explained that her marriage was invalid as she was still married to him, and began to sexually exploit the sister through blackmail while forbidding her to speak to the so called mufti. This brother would then leave, and the mufti would return, leaving the sister confused as to who she was legally married to. Eventually, the sister began to comprehend the seriousness of the situation at hand and decided to get in contact.

To mention yet another case in which a sister was taken advantage of: a brother had managed to deceive this sister into believing he was seeking asylum in the UK due to crimes he was accused of in his country. He needed a place to take refuge and so persuaded the sister to marry him. They lived together in secrecy, within which time the sister used to act as a slave for this brother. She used to cook, clean and spend money on the brother only to receive abuse in return. To make matters worse, she found the brother would sleep during the day and watch pornography during the night. He used emotional and religious blackmail to give her the impression that she was always in the wrong, and made her feel debased. He used to say “Allāh will never forgive you if you call the police” and used rhetoric such as “It is kufr to seek help from the disbelievers against a Muslim” to prevent her from reaching out for help from the authorities. She lived as a slave for some time until eventually she managed to escape from his web of deceit and torture, in what is a long, disheartening and traumatic story.

As you can see, these are distressing incidents. Prior to discussing any solutions, we must analyse these cases to determine the explanation behind their occurrence. The reasons are vast and complex, so I will mention but a few key factors.

We are able to ascertain that the sisters mentioned is these and most other cases are living alone or do not have a guardian present. They are either divorcees who have left the home of their parents, or new Muslims living by themselves. It is disheartening to know that many sisters insist they are able to live independently from their protectors and maintainers (who are their husbands, fathers and brothers) as Allāh has mentioned of them in the ayah. On the contrary, our sisters should accept that without the presence of any of these individuals who care for their safety, they will become easy and vulnerable targets, prone to susceptibility. It is within the fiṭrah (natural disposition) of a female to look for a male custodian around her, whether it be her father, brother or husband. This is why the sharīʿah gave the custody of the daughter to her father when she has reached maturity. A female who reaches the stage of adolescence is in need of a father figure in her life. If this figure is absent, the desire to replace this fulfillment could end up through a means which is ḥarām.And Allāh mentions in the Qur’ān:

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” al-Qur’ān 30:21

It is sad that some Muslim women show dissatisfaction when knowledge is brought to them that the custody of the daughter lies in the hands of her father once she reaches maturity. Are they unaware that the dissatisfaction they show may be directed to the teachings of Allāh and His messenger (Ṣallāhu ‘alayhi wa salam). May Allāh protect us all from this hypocrisy. Many sisters, in particular those who come from broken families with the absence of any father figure, are more likely to be led astray by individuals who they misplace their trust in knowingly or unknowingly. These sisters need to take counter-measures to construct a barrier between themselves and evil individuals, through appointing a reliable and honourable safeguard. A hungry lion is more likely to target an isolated gazelle. Many sisters may have disagreements with their fathers due to age and cultural gaps which is understandable. However there is no man in the world who will protect and go through what a father will for his daughter. I recall several cases in which sisters would leave their fathers’ home to stay with friends and then fall into ḥarām relationships through them. To conclude, there is no greater shield than that which your parents (and particularly your father) may provide for you, so do your utmost to cherish them. And live mercifully with them without speaking an ill word to them, as they nurtured you when you were incapable of anything, and they have and will always be there for you.

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Signor
06-16-2015, 04:46 PM
Four Convert Marriage FAILS (and how to avoid them)

I asked a very large pool of convert women of mixed races to tell me what mistakes they made and lessons they learned when seeking marriage. The following are the four main responses I got and wanted to share with other convert Muslimahs. This list isn't exhaustive, but is meant to highlight the four main pitfalls that converts seem to be most prone to when tying the knot.

Pitfall #1: The Incompetent/Useless Wali
Because a convert does not have a Muslim father, her wali, or male custodian, at the time of marriage often falls to someone with a leadership position in the local community. This can be an imām, resident scholar, or respected male (usually middle-aged). Often times this person is not born and raised in the convert's place of birth, as most Muslim males in their middle-age are still from the immigrant population. Most women I talked to felt their wali was a “joke” or “didn't want anything to do with it, really” or “was just a token” in the process or “didn't make any effort to learn about me.” Often times, as long as the suitor seems superficially good to the the wali (he's a nice, practicing brother), he will think it is a good match, without considering the conflicts of an intercultural marriage or visa-scam.

The sharī'ah requires a wali to protect the interests of the woman and prevent her from marrying a man who is not compatible with her, or will take advantage of her (two points that will come next). However, one must wonder how someone who is not only a complete stranger, but also comes from a different culture and upbringing, is suited to look out for the best interests of the convert in this regard.

Typically the role of wali goes to a woman's father, because he knows his daughter better than any male in her life and will naturally do as much background checking as needed before marrying his daughter to someone. An American or European convert, however, may find her well-being placed in the hands of an older Arab or Desi man, who does not understand her disposition or cultural nuances, and who may not even feel entirely comfortable being around a non-mahram woman in the first place. Some converts said that they felt like their walis were not even comfortable talking to them. One must wonder how a woman who cannot even have a frank discussion about herself with her wali, can expect such a person to really be able to care for her personal interests or find someone compatible? This discomfort for both parties has led to marriages with glaring conflicts that were arranged too quickly, or some in which the wali did not even speak to the woman except to give her the marriage contract, hoping she found a way learn more about her future husband through other channels. Some imāms who may do a good job are so overtaxed with other duties they don't have ample time to dedicate to the process.

The Solution:
Though perhaps this requires further discussion by our local 'ulemā', is for the convert to choose her own wali. In cases of born-Muslim women this is obviously objectionable, because the danger is she will choose a wali who will be a token-piece and allow her to marry someone clearly harmful to her. With converts, however, it seems that the delegated walis are often already token-pieces by default. A convert needs to select a wali that she is confident can understand her background, has the time to dedicate to the process, and one that is open to sufficient communication. Obviously the best arrangement would be a man who is born and raised in her country, and one whose wife she can openly speak to and is also willing to be involved and act as a middle-man. My own husband acted as wali for two women who asked him to do so, because being married to a convert, they were confident he would understand their situations best. Arranging the marriage was really a team-effort for my husband and me, but it worked very well.

Of course the man should still be someone that can be vouched for and has a good reputation in the community. Though it may be a slight turn from the books of fiqh that say, in a Muslim state, the wali-ship should go to the qāḍi or imām, in reality the spirit of the sharī'ah indicates that the wali-ship should go to a trusted individual who will best fulfill the requirements of the position, not someone who has a technical term of leadership attached to his name. If a woman feels her chosen wali is not handling his position well, she should be able to find another without it backfiring on her reputation. Communities would do well to have a number of wali references ready, especially if an imām knows he does not have the time or background to handle the job.

Pitfall #2: You Haven't been Muslim Long Enough
Let's be real, a lot of converts already have some amount of sexual experience, some of them even leaving relationships or dating upon accepting Islam. For this reason many of them feel an especially strong need to satisfy their sexual desires. Aside from rushing in on their own, the Muslim community may also pressure these young women into marriage in order to protect themselves not only from zina, but also from leaving Islam; a lot of Muslims think that a good Muslim husband is just what is needed to keep this new Muslimah from straying. While those intentions are noble, they often backfire.

Intercultural marriages will come up next, but firstly a Muslimah needs time to “find herself” as a Muslim, to learn about her deen and grow into it before she selects a lifelong partner. While we like to pretend there aren't different stripes of Islam that attract different types of people, in reality there are. One convert may become a sūfi, another a salafi. One may become attached to a particular madh-hab and yet another may just be content doing the bare minimum. Different people will adopt different opinions. This is reality, and instead of arguing the merits of this group or that, a convert needs time to learn and read and “settle” on what they believe is correct; it's ultimately what we all do.

Sometimes a convert is only exposed to one thing and believes it is Islam, only to move to another city and realize Muslims are not as homogenous as we said we were. They may start attending a halaqa or class and familiarize themselves with an outlook that they decide to follow, nixing the old one. This isn't to say that converts all need to try on different sects of Islam like hats on a rack, but a convert may only be exposed to the masjid of one ethnic group for example, then go to a conference and realize a lot of what they thought was correct was cultural or even wrong.

Many converts are also still sorting out painful issues with their families, some feeling isolated, despised, or even disowned. While getting married into a Muslim family seems like a great idea at face-value, almost like a “replacement,” getting married when one is especially emotional, hurt, and vulnerable is not the best time. Such a woman is liable to jump into a marriage, seeking comfort and validation, only to find out later that she isn't compatible with this person. What she really needs is the support of good friends and time to sort out her problems.

Lastly, there are many women who convert because of boyfriends that, by American standards, seem like they are religious guys, but as she becomes genuinely interested in following the deen, she realizes this guy is barely practicing. She may end up leaving him to find a practicing Muslim. Pressuring a brother's girlfriend to convert just to marry him is another situation that has huge potential to backfire on the convert.

The Solution:
Focus on yourself and your personal/family issues first, and find good friends. Besides just reading, go with a group of Muslimahs to conferences or classes in places other than the community you've converted in. Yes there is the internet, but meet real people. Just walking around an ISNA or ICNA conference can be an eye-opening experience for a convert, I know it was for me. Just seeing all the different types of Muslims, seeing the different booths and spreads of books, can be a turning-point or “wow” moment, as is the exposure to different sheikhs and academics. Find some good Muslim girls who are not groupies, hopefully a group that is a little diverse. Find a shoulder to cry on or a convert support group. It can be very hard to grapple with sexual desire, but try to get distracted with that new-Muslim “Iman-rush” and some bachelorette friends. Take some classes. If you see someone you're interested in, keep him in your little black book for now.

Pitfall #3: Misevaluating an Intercultural Marriage
So you're practicing Islam and fairly educated about it and you're ready to marry the man you've had your sights on (the tall, dark and handsome one, I know). Many women jump into an intercultural marriage without realizing just what the expectations of their husband will be, and naively believing his marital behavior will be a direct reflection of Rasūlullāh's

. The result of this is that many women end up leaving Islam after having terrible experiences in bad marriages where they were disrespected, controlled, or even abused. The very person (the husband) who it was assumed would protect her from the vices of her American/European upbringing actually ends up driving her away because of his own cultural vices.
Other times two people are just so incompatible that living together is an endless cycle of conflict and resentment; it's not his fault or her's, but they are just too different to live in harmony. Even during the time of the Rasūlullāh

there were differences in the people of Madinah and Mecca that caused marital issues, such as the disposition of women from each area (Madinan women were known for being more restrictive in intimate practice, Meccan known for being more liberal). Imagine, then, two people from entirely different continents, with differences which, although acceptable in the sharī'ah, are still far apart.

An intercultural marriage has inevitable challenges even when the two partners live in mutual respect or have a significant amount of common ground (after all there are still in-laws to be dealt with). In the case of converts who married men from overseas, many said they were expected to adopt their husband's culture entirely and leave off their own “evil” western culture. The reality is that there is good and bad in every culture, and no matter how religious a person is, the place they were raised affects their personality, norms, preferences, and expectations in marriage. Just because a country is Muslim, it does not mean that all aspects of its culture are Islamic, and likewise, just because a country is not Muslim, it does not mean that all aspects of its culture are evil. Even the Prophet

praised certain aspects of Roman culture and the pre-Islamic Arabs.

In a bad intercultural marriage, converts may find themselves being forced to lose their identity completely and take on a foreign one. A husband may try to estrange his convert wife from her family. He may make little effort to interact with them or will speak ill of them and feel justified because they aren't Muslim. He may try to make her into a “good” Arab/Desi/Malay/African/Afghani woman, not realizing his own impositions are not as Islamic as they are cultural. Many women become depressed as they lose themselves completely and live in constant sacrifice.
It is also important to mention here the stigma of being “impure” that so many converts feel because of past relationships prior to accepting Islam. Many feel inadequate as Muslim women because of this blight, which is completely wrong but no less existent. A convert woman may settle for whatever man will take her, and he may want her at the sight of fair skin and light eyes, smothering insecurity that is likely to rear its ugly head later when the novelty of her western beauty starts to wear off.

The Solution:
Think really hard about marrying someone who is not born and raised in your own country. Realize you are very American/European, probably more than you realized until you were immersed in the ethnic groups of the Muslim community, and that's okay. Understand that all Muslims are just as cultural as you, at the very least in halal or unconscious ways. You will never meet someone who is just Muslim—never.
Because there is such a hang-up on virginity and purity in other cultures, a convert should never marry a man who acts in any way like he's doing her a favor by marrying her, or one who talks a little too much about her “white-girl” looks (beware of the mother-in-law who does the same). This isn't to say she should talk about the details of her past, that would make any man uncomfortable, but should she see too much questioning from him about it, or too much brooding when it comes up, it's best to reconsider. Similar situations are paralleled in the African-American community. In fact, marriage bandits are common in the African-American convert community too, as are carousel/fly by night marriages where the woman is passed around the community.

That being said intercultural marriages can be successful, but it takes work. As a woman you are in a vulnerable position because the authority in the marriage rests with the husband; you are in a position where your religion can be used by your husband to guilt-trip you into making endless sacrifices lest you become a denizen of Hell. Do not take a chance on someone who shows signs of wanting to change you or shows distaste for your ethnic or cultural background, marry a man who wants to understand you and sees his authority as responsibility, not entitlement. Do not marry a man with a superiority complex about his own race (or likewise one that fawns a little too much over you being American/European). Do not marry a man who does not respect your family and wants to pull you away from them (this will get ten times as ugly when you have children with him). As a matter of fact, try to marry a man that will help you resolve your family issues or at least support you in maintaining ties. Watch out for hardcore momma's boys because chances are their mom is from overseas and she may impose the same things on you, through her son, and you'll end up controlled by her.

Pitfall #4: He's Really a Scam-Artist/Playboy or Wants you to be his Secret Second Wife
Yet another reason we need good walis who can sniff out the visa scam-artists and playboys who want to use her and lose her. The two predominant reasons a man will marry a convert, but leave her, will be to get a visa or to find a naive woman to blow off steam with while he's in school or working in America/Europe. He will quickly drop her when it's time for him to go back home and marry a good girl from his country, or he gets his green card and mom arranges a marriage. Such men will make all sorts of lofty promises from under their dark lashes about taking you back with him to meet his parents, some even having children with you to make it seem secure, when in reality they either have no intention of doing so or will quickly cave into pressure to leave “that American/European ***** and her baby” and come back up to marry the nice girl down the street that mom has in mind (everything will be kept hush-hush of course). Both ex-wife and child are quickly disowned while he vanishes without a backward glance.

Then there's the guy who's already married and wants to take you as a second wife, though his first wife (and probably his family) has no idea of his intentions. He's totally ready to nikkah and shack-up with you, but not ready to man-up and deal with the repercussions it will inevitably have on everyone else in his life. When you ask him about it he keeps telling you he'll tell his other wife…later. He leaves you in your town or country to go back to his first wife and he'll bring you over….later. He'll tell his family about you…later. He'll come and see you (and eventually the baby)…later. He was very quick on the draw when it came to marrying you but after that he just wants to duck and run. Eventually when he drops the poly-bomb on everyone else you find your initially glamorous, secret marriage quickly sours under all the external pressure and negative emotions circulating between him, his first wife, and you. Either he can't handle it and he divorces you or he keeps you around but becomes stressed and regretful. He may just keep you in secret and become distant (emotionally and physically) and you lose a lot of your rights as a wife. And keep in mind it is twice as easy for him to divorce you if no one else knows about you.

The Solution:
For scam-artists and playboys, ask to meet his parents and family straight-up, do not get involved with him otherwise, ask to even go back with him to his country to visit them before you commit to consummating a nikkah. Ask for a celibate marriage so he has to commit before he gets the “perks” and you can really get to know him and his family. Ask about his legal status and what his plans are for that, ask where he plans on settling and how he will get you status. Don't have any kids (or be very wary) until you both have legal status in the same country. Don't agree to any secret marriages.

For poly, don't agree to any secret second wifery. If you're going to get into polygyny, ask to meet his first wife and make sure she's at least aware and better yet, okay with it. Some people think that a first wife can't be, but she can and any guy who's going to drop the news on his first wife the night of his wedding to his second is probably someone who is used to keeping secrets. You also don't want to end up divorced because she handled it so much worse than he thought (because really, was he thinking it through to begin with?). I know my approach may step on some people's toes, but a woman can be okay with poly, even supportive, and a man who tells his wife and family up-front is, at the very least, a man of integrity. The respect he shows for his first wife is ultimately telling of the respect he will show you. And if his first wife is forever embittered, those emotions will impact him and then you; the stress from one marriage won't just evaporate when he's involved with the other. If he acts dumbstruck or avoidant when you say you want to meet his first wife, keep your guard up. If he says he told her, make sure you ask for contact info so you can get to know her (or at least confirm he's told her), and of course, don't forget to send her a wedding invitation (or color-coordinate your outfits if you really want to go out on a limb).

Source
Reply

Signor
06-16-2015, 05:01 PM
False Marriage Testimonies And Marriage Bandits

False or exaggerated testimonies are surprisingly not uncommon in the area of marriage. If it’s not the parents of the sister exaggerating about how good and obedient she is, it’s the family or friends of the brother exaggerating about how just and generous he is. We should all be reminded that exaggeration is tantamount to a lie. To say that someone is always praying in the Mosque paints pictures of righteousness and determination to please Allah. If the person in actual fact is only visiting the Mosque for the Jummah and the occasional congregational prayer, this can lead to serious trust issues regarding any testimonies given about other elements of the person’s life. Likewise if the parents of the sister talk about how she loves to maintain the home and is also very respectful, when in actual fact these things are rare occurrences, and at other times she is unruly and unhelpful in the home, again this can be tantamount to a lie.

Allah says in the Holy Qur’an [33:70]:
O you who believe! Keep your duty to Allah and fear Him and speak (always) the truth. He will direct you to do righteous good deeds and will forgive you your sins. And whosoever obeys Allah and His messenger (saw), he has indeed achieved a great achievement (i.e. he will be saved from the hellfire and will be admitted to paradise)

May Allah forgive us. It has become so easy to exaggerate. The pious companions of our beloved Prophet salallahu alaihi wa salaam were so filled with uncompromising integrity. Through immense fear of Allah they would never dream of lying but beside this they viewed lying as a breach of honour. Many of us have lost sight of this honour, and indeed the fear of Allah. Honour and integrity were precious gifts of those that came before us. Look at the story of the woman who after committing zinnah (fornication), went to the messenger of Allah to be purified. She approached him and revealed her sin. He turned his back on her but she went around him to face him again. She declared that she should be punished. He turned away from her again but she was adamant. This time he acknowledged her and declared her punishment. She was stoned to death. Subhanallah! None of the beloved Muslims of that time would have dreamt of giving a false testimony knowing full well that Allah would be watching them.

A wali’s character should be strong. Even if he is normally a soft natured person, in the face of justice he must put that softness to one side. If in the event of an arbitration he knows something about the sister he is representing, or he knows that she is lying he must speak out against her. As a father, uncle or brother of the sister, it may seem like an unnatural thing to do and may earn her displeasure, but ultimately it will help to bring everything out into the open to be dealt with properly inshallah. As for the wakeel if he is representing a sister, he knows is lying, he should not be afraid to speak the truth. Remember his intentions are to help reconcile a broken marriage. This cannot be done sincerely by siding with someone who is lying in order to make the other party appear to be in the wrong. As a wakeel you would have been appointed to protect her. Assisting in an untruth is not an example of this. She may decide to dismiss you but you should not be concerned with that because alternatively you could end up as an accomplice in a sin against her husband. If she respects justice and honour she will appreciate your actions, but if she doesn’t you’d be better off somewhere else.

Unfortunately our imaan doesn’t stay the same, so we have to gauge ourselves daily to ensure we haven’t compromised or changed for the worse. If left too long we may no longer be able to recognize our weakness and could end up being completely corrupted by the people we are dealing with or acting on behalf of. Again for the wakeel, he must remember that all eyes are on him. Aspersions could easily be cast against him if he is believed to be helping a sister in her lies. As a non-mahram (non blood relative) he could be accused of having some personal interest in the sister. If indeed he is helping her in this sin, he will only have himself to blame if exposed. It’s a shame how easy it actually is for us to lie. A good personal test for us is to make a mental note of how many times we consciously tell lies in a day, even the little white ones. You may amaze yourself. Sometimes the smallest little lies roll effortlessly off the tongue. How many times have you been seated in a gathering where food is served unexpectedly of which you have no desire to eat? How many of you use the most common excuse claiming to have eaten earlier when what you actually meant was you’re not too keen on that dish? A good wali/wakeel is someone who can look a person in the eyes and tell them they are in the wrong. He also has to understand that a person may lie because they are embarrassed and he should know how to deal with that to keep the situation calm and civil.

We have some very beautiful examples of honesty and integrity. Another beautiful story I’d like to share with you is that of the sahaaba Suhaib ibn Sinaan, may Allah be pleased with him, who was hunted by the Quraish during his flight to Medina. As they closed in on him he shouted from a distance, warning them that he was a keen marksman and could find his target long before they could reach him. Then he said, ‘If you like I will tell you where my money is so leave me alone.’ They agreed to this and he disclosed the location of his wealth back in Mecca. They left him and returned without question. They believed his words without doubt and did not ask him to prove his honesty. Many of us preoccupy ourselves fearing the consequences of telling the truth. We worry that people won’t like us and won’t like being in our company for fear of criticism. Truth is a shield that protects us from many things in this life, but more than that, telling the truth the way our prophet and his companions did can win you Allah’s favour.

Marital discord is like a cataract in the eye of marriage, which once removed (by arbitration or counseling) allows the couple to see clearly again and be reminded of why they married each other in the first place.

Now we turn our attention to testimonies given about a brother wishing to marry a sister. Brothers, how many times have you exaggerated or lied about someone you know who is wishing to get married? This is far more a regular occurrence than you can imagine. I hear it all the time. Perhaps you may feel that you have gotten away with it because the brother is a friend so you feel you know him to a certain degree. Perhaps. However brothers you must now beware as there is a new phenomenon in our community. The evil phenomenon of the marriage predator or marriage bandit.
Brothers if you exaggerate or lie about a brother you know, or think you know, be ready for the wrath of Allah because your act could potentially destroy lives. The life of the poor sister and your life in the aakhira. When a brother wishing to get married talks about his expectations, this usually gives an indication of what type of person he is and by this I don’t mean that he could just be after one thing. It can well be argued that there is nothing wrong with someone wanting to get married purely to feed his/her physical desires. We know that the young men are encouraged to fast if they are not married and we know that if a married man is affected after seeing an attractive woman on the street, he should go home to his wife as described in a hadith from our beloved prophet (SAW). From this we can say that if someone needs to get married to avoid haraam, then it is something which becomes fard on them. These are not the dangers I’m talking about. I’m talking about the instances where a brother refers to sisters in derogatory ways and may be perhaps too explicit about his desires. There is now a danger that he does not value his sisters and that they are just objects of desire. When a brother like this is a friend, or someone you know and someone approaches you for a character reference, subhanallah! The test is certainly on you.

Our sisters need protecting and sadly the modern Muslim man has become soft. He feels that he cannot be the new age Mu’tasim who went to war in order to protect the honour of one woman, so instead he sits back and allows his sisters to be preyed upon. The first steps towards regaining one’s honour begin with truth. Say it like it is. If a brother you know has spoken badly about sisters or has been known to have many short marriages, you have to say something when asked about him and stay far from lies or exaggeration. Then and only then can we force the bandits out of the woodwork and Allah knows best.

Source

An Investigation On Marriage Predator X also provides some useful insight about the methods adopted by sick minds.
Reply

Lisa921
06-16-2015, 08:12 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Signor
Beware of the Marriage Bandits

I am sick of hearing about those brothers who prey upon the susceptibility of our sisters, using deception as a tool for marriage, and marriage as a guise for the fulfillment of their evil desires. I fear that if something is not done to tackle these abuses, we will only see the number of such incidents increase. Therefore, I feel compelled to share some of the cases I have encountered in order to highlight the nature of the issues at hand, and that we as a community must take drastic action to stop or minimize this evil.

One of the incidents which I came across just recently involved a sister who was divorced and the custodian of her children. She was living alone, away from her parents, when she was approached for marriage by a brother who seemed to be a practising Muslim. She had described that her parents were unhappy with her re-marrying due to her situation. The brother managed to convince her she had a legitimate Islamic right to search for a walī other than her own father due to the fact he was forbidding marriage for her on the basis of what he deemed to be a non-Islamic pretext. She was apprehensive in having a walī appointed from the same cultural background as she feared she may have been exposed within the community. However the brother managed to comfort her, exhorting her to appoint him, himself to find her a suitable walī. Due to her naivety and his callous experience in manipulating women, she accepted. So to summarise; she accepted to marry the brother without consent from her parents via phone and skype, with no witnesses or wedding, her walī was anonymous to her, and the brother she was to marry had the ability to appoint an anonymous walī for her. A few days after the questionable ‘nikāh’ had taken place, her ‘husband’ came to her with no other reason but to fulfil his sexual desire. It was only after this that she discovered he had various other sexual partners whom he had claimed to have married previously. A few days later he left her, however he would continue to return in order to blackmail her for sexual relations as he had convinced her their ‘nikāh’ was still valid. As a result, the sister unfortunately contracted a sexually transmitted disease.

In another incident, a sister who reverted to Islām ended up cohabiting with two men at the same time! Initially she married a brother who had come to the UK to study. The brother then left for his country, only to return within a few months. As a result of being alone, she was approached by another brother who offered to help annul her marriage contract. As she now believed her husband was no longer able to return to the UK, she proceeded. The brother introduced her to a supposed mufti who was located abroad. He went on to annul her contract and pronounce her as a divorcee who was able to marry again. Sometime later, the proclaimed mufti, who this brother had recommended, approached her for marriage himself! As he claimed he was of a certain school of thought, he managed to convince her she did not need a walī and hence they could marry over the phone. They went on to proceed with what I call a ‘tele-nikāh’, and she, without even seeing this so called mufti, was ‘married’ once again. Similar to the previous incident, there was no wedding ceremony and the witnesses were all communicating to the sister via telephone. She later met the mufti, who pronounced himself at her door with a gift and flowers. Overwhelmed, she ‘consummated the marriage’ with him. Shockingly (!), this proclaimed mufti also left after a few nights to his home city where he had a previous wife. A few weeks later, the first husband returned to find that she had ‘married’ someone else. He thereby explained that her marriage was invalid as she was still married to him, and began to sexually exploit the sister through blackmail while forbidding her to speak to the so called mufti. This brother would then leave, and the mufti would return, leaving the sister confused as to who she was legally married to. Eventually, the sister began to comprehend the seriousness of the situation at hand and decided to get in contact.

To mention yet another case in which a sister was taken advantage of: a brother had managed to deceive this sister into believing he was seeking asylum in the UK due to crimes he was accused of in his country. He needed a place to take refuge and so persuaded the sister to marry him. They lived together in secrecy, within which time the sister used to act as a slave for this brother. She used to cook, clean and spend money on the brother only to receive abuse in return. To make matters worse, she found the brother would sleep during the day and watch pornography during the night. He used emotional and religious blackmail to give her the impression that she was always in the wrong, and made her feel debased. He used to say “Allāh will never forgive you if you call the police” and used rhetoric such as “It is kufr to seek help from the disbelievers against a Muslim” to prevent her from reaching out for help from the authorities. She lived as a slave for some time until eventually she managed to escape from his web of deceit and torture, in what is a long, disheartening and traumatic story.

As you can see, these are distressing incidents. Prior to discussing any solutions, we must analyse these cases to determine the explanation behind their occurrence. The reasons are vast and complex, so I will mention but a few key factors.

We are able to ascertain that the sisters mentioned is these and most other cases are living alone or do not have a guardian present. They are either divorcees who have left the home of their parents, or new Muslims living by themselves. It is disheartening to know that many sisters insist they are able to live independently from their protectors and maintainers (who are their husbands, fathers and brothers) as Allāh has mentioned of them in the ayah. On the contrary, our sisters should accept that without the presence of any of these individuals who care for their safety, they will become easy and vulnerable targets, prone to susceptibility. It is within the fiṭrah (natural disposition) of a female to look for a male custodian around her, whether it be her father, brother or husband. This is why the sharīʿah gave the custody of the daughter to her father when she has reached maturity. A female who reaches the stage of adolescence is in need of a father figure in her life. If this figure is absent, the desire to replace this fulfillment could end up through a means which is ḥarām.And Allāh mentions in the Qur’ān:
“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” al-Qur’ān 30:21

It is sad that some Muslim women show dissatisfaction when knowledge is brought to them that the custody of the daughter lies in the hands of her father once she reaches maturity. Are they unaware that the dissatisfaction they show may be directed to the teachings of Allāh and His messenger (Ṣallāhu ‘alayhi wa salam). May Allāh protect us all from this hypocrisy. Many sisters, in particular those who come from broken families with the absence of any father figure, are more likely to be led astray by individuals who they misplace their trust in knowingly or unknowingly. These sisters need to take counter-measures to construct a barrier between themselves and evil individuals, through appointing a reliable and honourable safeguard. A hungry lion is more likely to target an isolated gazelle. Many sisters may have disagreements with their fathers due to age and cultural gaps which is understandable. However there is no man in the world who will protect and go through what a father will for his daughter. I recall several cases in which sisters would leave their fathers’ home to stay with friends and then fall into ḥarām relationships through them. To conclude, there is no greater shield than that which your parents (and particularly your father) may provide for you, so do your utmost to cherish them. And live mercifully with them without speaking an ill word to them, as they nurtured you when you were incapable of anything, and they have and will always be there for you.

Source
subhanalllah. those stories are so atrocious and sad for the women involved.
I must say that us converts have to be very aware of the red flags of a potential dangerous and haram situation we could be getting into. Some red flags I can think of are:
-one the guy isolates the girl by convincing her not to use a wali or to use a wali HE found
-the guy communicates on an intimate level calling her honey/baby/sweetie before marriage thus manipulating her feminine side
-the guy wants to befriend her before marriage and listen to all her 'problems' thus getting to know her weakness in order to manipulate her
-the has a short fuse and possisive nature


I don't know those are just a few red flags I came across in people I talked to and have learned that they were not the right person for me or had ulterior motives
I have been married twice and my marriages were with honest gentlemen that just did not work out, so Alhamdulillah, I have put into practise my knowledge of psychology when selecting a mate...I think.

I think it would be helpful to brainstorm other red flags that the sisters or their male caretakers (fathers, brother, uncles, etc) can be aware of.

jazak Allah khayr for opening this topic.

Lisa
Reply

MuslimInshallah
06-17-2015, 01:30 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by ardianto
The common mistake of women is they are obsessed to marry the prince in their dream. Criteria of 'the prince' in their dream can be varied. There are women who regard handsome man as their prince, there are women who regard rich man as the prince. There are women who regard a man with specific job such as doctor, engineer, as the prince.

This obsession makes them 'blind'. They cannot see the important things of a man, character and personality. So, when a woman like this meet a man who meet her criteria as the prince, like he is a doctor, she would close her eyes and would not look at his character and personality.

The women in the cases of marriage bandits above were obsessed to pious man who has high knowledge of Islam. So, when they met the men who looked pious and fluently talk about Islam, they thought their dream had come true and they forgot to notice those men characters and personalities. Yeah, it's not difficult to pretend as pious man, and learn Islam is not as difficult as practicing Islam.

My advice for sisters is, do not ever have the prince in your dream then obsessed to marry him. But marry someone who can treat you well and make him as your prince.
Assalaamu alaikum Ardianto,

Mmm… it is true that women can become wrapped up in the Disney "one day my prince will come" dream, but I'd say that this is not the case here. It is more that vulnerable women are preyed upon. You are suggesting that women who have been abused are responsible for their abuse… but where are the perpetrators then? Are they not the ones who should be held responsible for their actions?

If you have a situation where there are few men to marry, where decent men and women are kept apart and don't know one another, where women may be very isolated from any support systems, where women learn about Islam and believe that Muslim men protect their wives and treat them with honour and dignity, where people are exhorted to follow those with Islamic knowledge and not question, where women are told to obey their husbands… then you have a situation that is just perfect for predatory men to operate within.

And predatory men actively search out vulnerable women.

If women are not to interact with men before marriage, then how can they be expected to assess a man's character? Furthermore, while men have a list of criteria of what constitutes a good Muslim wife, Muslim women are often exhorted to only look at a man's piety. So what does a vulnerable woman do? She looks at what appears of his piety, and has to make the decision to marry or not on virtually no information. Please don't blame her for this.

Instead, let's have the discussion on what can be done.


May Allah, the Perceiver, Help us to understand the vulnerable… and Help us to find ways to protect them.
Reply

Signor
06-20-2015, 08:36 AM
Love on the Net?

Wedding season has just passed, and almost all the new couples that I have come across met their spouses online. Muslim matrimonial sites have burgeoned in the last few years, ranging from the standard sites such as SingleMuslim.com, to sites that aim to match personalities such as HalfOurDeen.com, to sites aimed at only practicing Muslims such as PureMatrimony.com, to sites for specific ethnicities such as MauritianMuslim.com and to even pay as you go sites such as Muzmatch.com (to name but a few)!

However, the taboo of advertising oneself online and this being a “desperate last attempt” remains. Parents are still sceptical of using this method, worried about other people's opinion and also uncomfortable about stepping outside the traditional methods of family and friends. For this reason, this topic is rarely discussed to the detriment of those using this system and those who want to but are not sure how to start.

Therefore, the purpose of this article is to kick start a discussion with some basic advice. The content of this article was created from the experiences of a disparate group of sisters who have all been online for a considerable time, some of who have been successful. Of course marriage – like any other social issue – can never follow one template and there is no “one-size fits all” solution; everyone has specific circumstances, which cannot be fully incorporated in an article. Hopefully through comments, people – especially brothers as this advice is gleaned from sisters –can add their own stories to help and encourage others.

Family Involvement:
This is probably the most difficult yet the most important piece of advice. Many brothers/sisters have the impression that they will find a spouse online and once they are happy, introduce them to their parents. In reality, parents want to be involved from the start. Think for a moment about your future children – you raised them and know them well and you want a role in deciding who their future spouse should be.

Remember, marriage is not just about two people coming together; it is also about two families joining. Even if the parents disagree with finding a spouse online, it is important that they have an active role in your search and they know whom you are speaking with. One of the main reason parents are sceptical of matchmaking online is the lack of control and the fear of the unknown. By getting them more involved it will ease them into the process. Not just for basic safety measures, but because the process of getting married is not a one man job. The family plays a vital role in judging the character of your prospective spouse and his/her family. Since you can come across literally hundreds of profiles online, it is wise to inform your family after compatibility is established, but definitely before a more serious bond is formed..

Moreover, when families are involved on both sides, it dramatically increases the level of seriousness and eliminates those people who are online for fun. If the person you are speaking to refuses to tell his parents about you, then that is a sign that they are either not serious about marriage or not serious about you. Informing parents does not mean a marriage invitation, it means that you are seriously considering this person for marriage and want your family to consider them and give their input as well. Also, if your parents do not agree to the person at this stage for whatever reason, it is better to end it early without too much emotional attachment. It may cause family drama to let them know early on, but the emotional damage to get to know someone and end it after many months of chatting away due to parents not agreeing is far worse. Also emotions are high throughout the process, and families help the prospective couple see clearly and to remind them not to expect perfection if they are being too selective.

“”I was speaking to this guy online who would always whisper, as he did not want his parents to know he was online looking for a wife! Not only that but he lied on his profile about his ethnicity and height and sent me a dodgy picture, again to remain anonymous. I ended it immediately, as there was no guarantee that even if we were compatible his parents would accept me. Why should I invest my time and energy in someone who does not have the courage to tell his mum he wants a wife!””

“”My spouse first spoke to my mum for a short time, and only after her approval was he allowed to speak to me! From the start, my mum was involved which made her happy. Also this pushed him to get his family involved early on too. Both families were happy as they got to know each other and their presence ensured we both remained focused on getting to know each other for marriage and not wasting time.””

“”I got to know this guy for 6 months and alhamdolilah we both liked each other and wanted to get married. He knew his parents would not be too thrilled but since both of us were of the age where we did not require parental consent we both continued. Also he said that no matter what his parents say, he would marry me. Yet his parents simply refused and he went back on his word. We were both devastated. Make sure families are involved near the beginning of the process. You might think your parents would be happy with whom you are speaking to but you could be wrong.””

Don't put all your eggs in one basket:
Simple advice – matrimonial sites are only one method. Don't reject other methods such as matrimonial events and contacting match-makers or even traditional methods such as recommendations from family.

“”I was on the Internet on a handful of websites, attended many matrimonial events and my family and friends were also on the scavenger hunt. Alhamdolilah, after sticking with this method for 5 years, (early years probably not as active as the last few!) I found my husband through the recommendation of a friend. If I have one tip to give to any girl – don't put all your eggs into one basket. Give everything a try and definitely sign up to more than one website. The good news is once you have one profile it is a copy and paste job! Many people reading this might feel a bit embarrassed for being that active. Why? You are searching for halal marriage, and as long as you keep your parents actively involved at all stages and stay within the bounds, there is nothing wrong with actively looking for a spouse – it is half your deen and natural to want to settle down and start a family. If you want to get married, then stop moaning and get proactive.””


Be Wise on the Net – what goes online, stays online:
If you are serious about finding a spouse, then you need to invest time crafting a decent profile and finding the right pictures to represent yourself. When you are preparing to look for a job, the first thing you do is iron out your C.V. Similarly, you must put in the time and effort on your profile so that it shows your personality and what you are looking for. A good litmus test is asking yourself, “If my uncle read this and saw my photo would I be embarrassed?” Inappropriate photos or comments in your profile will not only attract the wrong type of people but can also come back to haunt you. There is no point in lying, be honest and upfront. Sisters – you are looking to attract a prospective spouse, so while you should point out your qualifications, don't forget to also write about your personality. Brothers – if you are not financially stable, then too, be upfront about it and state your plans.

With that all being said, never judge a person by their profile. It is easy to write a good/bad profile. Give people a chance. Some people are better communicators in person, rather than on paper. For others, it takes a little time for their personality to shine through.

Moreover, there are many people who go on these sites just for a good time. There are liars, cheaters, time wasters and –for lack of a better term – downright psychos! Always be on guard; never give out personal information too soon. Family involvement early on helps to eliminate these types. If you cannot speak to your family, it is useful to always talk through your experience with someone else. A third person may find it easier to spot liars and stories that don't quite add up.

“”I spoke to this guy who seemed down to earth and genuine but when it came to getting the parents to speak over the phone he came up with many stories. While none of the stories were actually far fetched, the point is a serious guy will get his parents on the phone for a quick initial conversation. I didn't spot the inconsistencies at first, but it was only after talking it through with family I myself realised something was not right. Also I started getting prank messages from a different number. It got so messy that I ended up calling the matrimonial site for help. Alhamdolilah I blocked his number and ended all contact and he hasn't bothered me since.””

Emotions, Emotions, Emotions!
In any method, but more so on the Internet, you can either get desperate or depressed. After scouring through hundreds of profiles for years it is easy to fall into either one of these two camps. Seeing profile after profile, going through initial messages and conversations, you feel the need to just settle for the next person that accepts you. Or the opposite experience of repeatedly going through the process yet not finding anyone that suits you can leave you feeling hopeless.

The Internet generally gives you quantity, not quality. First and foremost, strengthen your relationship with Allah and increase the intensity of your du'a. Also use friends/family for support. Many people hide this from their friends, but it is at times like these good friends keep you sane and focused. [For more information about getting over a prospective spouse please see Picking up the pieces: Love drug syndrome article].

“”I had been looking for a few years on the Internet, and then found a guy who looked decent in theory – he was educated, financially stable, practicing and he found me attractive. The only issue was that I did not find him attractive in neither personality nor physical appearance. In short, I was desperate – I had to make this work. I tried so hard to convince myself but I found myself doing everything I could just to avoid speaking with him. At that point I realised, if I can't even speak to him over the phone for a minute, how can I marry the guy!? Alhamdolilah, a few years later, I met Mr. Right. In short, don't force yourself. Listen to your instincts. The right guy will come when the time is right insha Allah.””
“”I was on the internet looking for a spouse and I can honestly say, after Allah's help, the single thing that helped me get through it was my best friend. We both were in the same boat, and hearing that we both were having similar experiences made us feel normal. We both encouraged each other to continue, especially on those days when I just wanted to give up and accept a life without a husband or was about to continue with a guy out of desperation.””

Level of Piety and Manners:
A very common description of a future spouse is “practicing” or “religious”. Yet the definition of “religious” varies from person to person. For example, some people classify praying 5 times a day as very religious; others see it as a starting point. It is impossible to determine the level of piety by a profile – this only happens when you get to know the other person better. Some people act overly religious, others hide it and yet others need the right person to bring it out in them. The point is that this is an aspect of a person that has to be seen over time. . In short, don't judge a person by their profile, but by the way they conduct themselves whilst interacting with you and your family.

“”This one guy refused to speak to my dad. My dad just wanted an initial light conversation. That one refusal told me all I needed to know about his manners and respect towards elders.””

The above is a short – but by no means exhaustive – list of advice by sisters who have had experience in finding a spouse over the Internet. Some successful while others not. Matrimonial sites are just another method of looking for a partner and just like any method has its pros/cons and do's/don'ts. However due to the stigma attached, this topic is hardly discussed. Insha Allah it is hoped that this article will help break some taboos and lead to some interesting discussions.

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ardianto
06-21-2015, 04:00 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by MuslimInshallah
Assalaamu alaikum Ardianto,

Mmm… it is true that women can become wrapped up in the Disney "one day my prince will come" dream, but I'd say that this is not the case here. It is more that vulnerable women are preyed upon. You are suggesting that women who have been abused are responsible for their abuse… but where are the perpetrators then? Are they not the ones who should be held responsible for their actions?

If you have a situation where there are few men to marry, where decent men and women are kept apart and don't know one another, where women may be very isolated from any support systems, where women learn about Islam and believe that Muslim men protect their wives and treat them with honour and dignity, where people are exhorted to follow those with Islamic knowledge and not question, where women are told to obey their husbands… then you have a situation that is just perfect for predatory men to operate within.

And predatory men actively search out vulnerable women.

If women are not to interact with men before marriage, then how can they be expected to assess a man's character? Furthermore, while men have a list of criteria of what constitutes a good Muslim wife, Muslim women are often exhorted to only look at a man's piety. So what does a vulnerable woman do? She looks at what appears of his piety, and has to make the decision to marry or not on virtually no information. Please don't blame her for this.

Instead, let's have the discussion on what can be done.


May Allah, the Perceiver, Help us to understand the vulnerable… and Help us to find ways to protect them.
Wa'alaikumsalam, MuslimInshallah.

Actually I was talking about few case of abused by marriage bandits that I've ever read, which there was similarity between these cases. A sister joined in an Islamic group, then a brother in the group approaching her and impressing her with his Islamic knowledge. It made this sister impressed and interested to marry him. The rest of the story?. You can guess.

So, I was not referring to cases which a woman meet a man online, then being cheated for immigration purpose.

I did not blame the victim. But I notice, there is a mistake from some sisters that can make them easily being cheated by marriage bandits like in the cases that I have read. Those sisters judge a man only from his Islamic knowledge. They believe, if a man has high knowledge of Islam, then he must be good.

It's not true. Has high knowledge of Islam is not a guarantee that a man must be good and will treat a woman well. In fact, there are many fatawa that issued to justify oppression, or to support specific agenda. And these fatawa were issued by knowledgeable Muslims.

It's better if sisters learn to see a man from his character and personality, although I know, it's not easy for some sisters to learn it.
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Signor
06-21-2015, 06:32 PM
The Scourge Of Green Card Marriages

Portland, Oregon – He came from Morocco to the USA on the Lottery in 2011. He had only been here three months and was looking for every opportunity to find work. Khalid and I met on Facebook. He had seen that I visited Morocco several times and he needed a friend that he could relate to. He was in California and I was in Portland Oregon. He couldn’t wait to come and visit me. I welcomed him on an October day in 2011. It was his first trip anywhere else besides California in the USA. I showed him many tourist areas in Oregon and he loved it.


The day before he went back to California he shared his life with me in Morocco about how hard it was for him and his family to make a living there. He stood across my kitchen counter and said “If I hadn’t of gotten the lottery I would have married and old women to get to the USA” and he was serious. That was a year and a half ago, since then Khalid has a better job and attends college in California. He also makes enough money to live on his own and send money back to his family in Morocco. Not everyone is as fortunate as Khalid.

Before I met Khalid I thought it was horrible that so many Moroccan men used older women by marrying them to get to the USA and soon after they got their green card or citizenship they divorced. I have seen marry heartaches and devastated lives. But that day in my kitchen with Khalid changed my perspective a little. I understand how desperate people can do practically anything to better their lives and the lives of their family.

I personally know many older women who are engaged, married and in the petition process or divorced from Moroccan men, and to be honest the divorce rate is at least 90%. Most of the women are overweight and some have disabilities and most of them are 40-70 years old. And the Moroccan men are 19-30 years old. I have even seen a case where the woman was 45 and the guy was only 17. A Moroccan man chooses an older woman because she is financially stable and makes enough money to file for him and also take care of all his needs for the first 2 years after he arrives to the USA until he gets his green card.

The process to file for a petition is long, emotionally draining and expensive and most of the time the American woman pays for all the expenses because the man comes from a poor family. She flies to Morocco and has a beautiful traditional Moroccan wedding with the traditional wedding dress and henna.

She is a princess for the day. All the pictures look the same with the traditional marriage kiss on the forehead. She comes back to the USA and files for the petition for her new husband to come, which she pays for. Then in addition she begins to send him and his family money and gifts. The whole process takes 1-2 years and once they begin the petition there is no backing out. She joins support groups with other women who are married to Moroccans who are also waiting for their husband to come. She needs all the support she can get because her family most likely does not support her decision to marry a much younger man and bring him to the USA.

When he finally arrives in the USA he will have a lot of needs since he is young and has never been away from his country or his family. Many of these older wives will put their young husbands in school, buy him clothes and cars and even put his name on the bank accounts and the house. She will be responsible to take care of him legally for the first 2 years after he arrives in the USA. This contract is between the couple and United States Immigration. It is a totally different than the traditional Moroccan marriage.

I would like to share the typical stereo types and characteristics of a man looking to marry for the green card.

He finds her on Facebook, Myspace, Tagged, chartrooms or other single sites. ·

He may also find her in tourist areas in his country. ·

The woman in 40-70 years old · Most are overweight ·

She may have a disability ·

She has low self-esteem, due to a bad marriage ·

He says he is not attracted to younger women. ·

He promises to treat her like a queen ·

He quickly directs her to skype or yahoo soon after the first chat. ·

He begins talking about marriage after a few weeks. ·

He tells her religion is not a problem. ·

Most of these guys are sitting in cyber cafés and chatting with many American women and other women from European countries and is looking for the highest bidder. ·

The green-card hopeful knows she is too old to have children, so he says he doesn’t want children, but if Allah provides that is fine. ·
He says he doesn’t want to live in the USA and soon invites her to his country. ·

Later he will ask about her finances and request she send money, gifts and clothing. I am aware there are many of these marriages that do workout but the percentage rate is very low.

I can also understand the desperation of many people needing to seek a better life. But I don’t agree with deception, lies and using people to get it. There are many people involved, not only the man coming to the USA but the family he is marring into, and since she is an older woman she most likely has children and those children will have a relationship with him also.

Nothing is guaranteed in this life but a lot of heartache can be prevented if you take your time in any relationship before marrying anyone. I am aware that is also happens to men. There is a saying “desperate situations require desperate actions” so, proceed with caution.

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ardianto
06-21-2015, 08:33 PM
I am sure brother Signor and sister MuslimInshallah have known about my story with my late wife. I loved her until the last time of her life although she had lost her beauty.

Yeah, since I was young I have been taught that I would not know what would happen to me in the next day. Probably I would lose my wealth, probably I would lose my beauty. That's why when I was looking for life-partner I expect a woman who could really love me, not a woman who just interested to my wealth or my looks, because I was afraid I would be abandoned if I lost my wealth or my beauty.

This fear raised a consciousness that I should not 'playing' a woman, because I could imagine the pain that she would feel if I married her, but then I leave her just because she lost her beauty or I get new woman.

Now imagine if every young man was taught what has taught to me?. They would learn about loyalty, they would learn about the woman's feeling, they would learn about true love. So, we would never hear about marriage bandits.
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Signor
06-22-2015, 01:07 PM
Think,Stay Alert and Don't Get Hurt

Marry Pakistani Man – beware. This is a sizzling hot topic. Many Pakistani men come to the U.S or the U.K in search of a better life. To get the better life, some seek out women in the U.S. or the U.K for marriage. I will use the word “foreign” when I speak of the women or wives from the U.S. and the U.K.

Women want to marry Pakistani man because he seems kind, sweet, charming, and debonair. She sees him as the man of her dreams. He treats her like a princess. Many of the women don’t know the Pakistani man uses those qualities to trap the foreign women. Some Pakistani men are deceitful. A Foreign woman who marries a Pakistani man could find herself spun in a web of deception.

Women from the U.S. or the U.K. marry Pakistani man without realizing the truth. Since polygamy 411 has been in existence, I’ve learned a lot about this topic from the commentators who are foreign women and have married Pakistani men.

Many of the Pakistani men marry foreign women, but do not tell the women that they already have wives and some have children too that are in Pakistan. When the already married Pakistani men marry the foreign women, as well, the men become polygamous. More often than not, the Pakistani man married his first cousin in Pakistan. They had an “arranged marriage.”

Sometimes these Pakistani men never take the foreign wives to Pakistan to meet their families, relatives, or friends there. Sometimes the people in Pakistan that I just mentioned never know of the wife who is in the U.S. or the U.K. The foreign wife becomes a “secret wife.”

The foreign woman who marry Pakistani man may one day get a surprise of her life. He may one day say he must go back to Pakistan and he comes back married. He probably married his first cousin. He says his mother made him do it. He gives the foreign wife excuses as to why he could not defy his mother. Although the reason is cultural, he’ll say it’s Islam. He’s got it twisted. It has absolutely nothing to do with Islam.

When the foreign wife learns of the marriage to the other woman, whether the marriage was an arranged one or otherwise, she becomes distraught. She doesn’t know what to do. She has already become emotionally invested, and has made a life with this man. She has a huge problem, which is extremely difficult and painful for her to resolve.

Why do these Pakistani men do this to foreign women? Many do it to get citizenship/naturalization/immigration status in the U.S. or U.K. They want a better life for themselves and their families back home in Pakistan.

Some actually fall in love with the foreign women whom they married. Others do not. They simply get the immigration status they sought and then divorce the foreign women.

Any foreign woman who marry Pakistani man should beware of the lies, deceit and betrayal that may await them. A foreign woman should investigate thoroughly the Pakistani man she intends to marry. She should make sure she meets his family, relatives, and friends in Pakistan. She should ask him if he is already married or if his family has arranged a marriage for him to take place in the future.

She should secure her assets, for instance, keep her funds separate from his, or have a prenuptial agreement. Most importantly, she should act, using intellect and not emotions. These men are very suave and convincing.

I, in no way, assert that every Pakistani man is as I described above. I simply want you to know that based on information I have received on this blog, I have learned there are very many Pakistani men who have done all that I have mentioned above. We all know nothing is absolute except our Creator. I simply urge all women – marry Pakistani man, beware!

The problem is so serious that the Muslim Minister Baroness Warsi spoke on it. Click link below to read the article:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/9275...ess-Warsi.html

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Signor
06-22-2015, 02:03 PM
Does My Foreign Fiancé Just Want a Greencard?

If your relationship shows all the signs of a healthy relationship–communication, each partner likes spending time with the other, interaction with each other’s family and friends, and so on, you probably don’t need to worry over this issue.
Remember, people in most countries of the world are very patriotic and would NOT want to live in the US. People in poorer countries where life is a challenge often want to come to the US, Canada, Europe, Australia, and so on to make a living–but they most often do this through student visas, tourist visas, and work visas, not by trying to scam natives into marriage!

However, there are situations when people get duped in relationships for legal permanent residency in a country–like a greencard in the US, landed immigrant status in Canada, and so on. So, it doesn’t hurt to evaluate your relationship for signs just in case. When a partner is getting scammed, there are usually signs. Here are some signs that a partner may be trying to scam you (or that he or she may just be an undesirable partner!):

  1. He or she asks you for a lot of help pretty early in the relationship. Sure, partners ask for help sometimes. However, in the scam marriages, the dishonest partner was asking for WAY too much help early in the relationship–buy me a plane ticket, call me because I just can’t ever call you, I can’t use email because I need you to buy me a computer, I need new clothes, I can’t pay my rent, etc.
  2. He or she tries to rush you into marriage.
  3. He or she tries to make you feel guilty for needing time to make a decision.
  4. He or she hasn’t introduced you to friends or relatives, or if they are in a different country, hasn’t even told them about you. If you are really suspicious, see how he or she reacts when you insist on marrying in their country in a ceremony attended by their family and friends.
  5. This person has lied to you about different things. (A liar is a liar and will be dishonest for many reasons, not one.)
  6. This person doesn’t do things a person in love would tend to do–call often, want to sit and talk to you for long periods of time, hold your hand, act affectionate, try to help you in different situations.
  7. Your friends tell you this person seems rude or seems to be using you. Even if you are blinded by love, your friends and family probably won’t be. A healthy partner in love will NOT treat you poorly. (Of course, it’s possible that a partner is mean, yet does NOT want a greencard. But who needs a mean partner regardless??)
  8. Your “partner” claims to love you but treats you very differently from how he treats his or her friends and family. He or she spends lots of time with friends or family, but barely has any time for you (though lots of excuses!).
  9. Anyone who makes wild promises and gives you too many gifts is suspicious. This person might give you huge compliments one moment, or gifts, especially if you have threatened to leave the relationship. But if the person just wants a greencard, he or she will not want to be with you very often and might act annoyed when you are together. If you find yourself asking questions like “Why don’t you call me more? Why do you always go out with your friends but never with me?” you have some things to figure out.

If you read this list and feel really suspicious, here are a few things you can do to gage your partner’s reaction:

  1. Talk about living together in his or her country rather than the US. Now, my husband would have said “No, we won’t make enough money there.” However, he would have been calm and respectful. If your partner gets irritable, angry, or acts completely shocked just because you brought this up, you might have a problem.
  2. Insist on getting married in his or her country too, particularly in a place of religious worship with your partner’s family in attendance. It may not be totally necessary if you know you’ll live here–that’s okay. Just ask to see how your partner reacts. But again, if your partner gets really freaked out about this suggestion, that’s a sign of a problem.
  3. Ask your partner for help in ways he or she can help you and see how he or she responds. If you have a fiance in Russia or China, for example, and you know she has NO money, ask her to send you photographs of places from her childhood–her school, her family, her pets, and so on. Ask her if she could send you a letter once a week in the mail because you miss her when you can’t call. If you get tons of excuses and no solutions every time you ask her to do something small and simple, you have a fiance who doesn’t love you enough to even mail a letter. Lose this person no doubt.

These tests will not definitely show you anything, but they may clue you into suspicious behavior and clue you in on the need to think further about possible issues.

Also note:
Your fiance may just be a less-than-desirable partner, and not necessarily a scammer. ALSO, there are many partners who scam people into marriage for reasons other than a greencard! Bottom line: Don’t marry a person you aren’t fulfilled with–marriage is hard enough even when you find the “perfect” partner. The challenges of intercultural marriage will cause a weak partnership to crumble. The partnership can only be strong if both people are reasonably respectful, kind, and healthy-minded.

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ardianto
06-22-2015, 02:28 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Signor
Marry Pakistani Man – beware.
Not every Pakistani man is marriage bandit, and not every Pakistani man who marries foreign woman do this for immigration purpose.

Ever heard about Indomc For Pakistan?. This is a community of Indonesian women who married Pakistani men. Some of them live in Pakistan, some are living in Indonesia. And from their stories seem those Indonesian women are happy with their Pakistani husbands.

But yeah, those Pakistani men are different than Pakistani men in article you have displayed. Those Pakistani men already have good job in Pakistan, or already worked as expatriates in Indonesia, before they marry Indonesian women. They also could respect the procedure of getting married. There's always contact between the woman families in Indonesian and the men families in Pakistan, before and after nikah. These marriage are legal marriages that registered in government in both countries, reported to, and recognized by embassies in both countries too.
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Signor
06-22-2015, 03:46 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by ardianto
Not every Pakistani man is marriage bandit, and not every Pakistani man who marries foreign woman do this for immigration purpose.
Yes my bro,Not all fingers are of same length.It is similar to not every US citizen agrees with the policy which American Government adopted.We can't and we shouldn't generalize,this is the reason I've applied the bold format on last few sentences.

I, in no way, assert that every Pakistani man is as I described above. I simply want you to know that based on information I have received on this blog, I have learned there are very many Pakistani men who have done all that I have mentioned above. We all know nothing is absolute except our Creator.
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Signor
06-27-2015, 05:29 AM
Will Marriage Solve My Problems?

After engaging more with the Muslim community through activities like da`wah (calling to Islam), conferences, and halaqat (study circles), I have observed something intriguing: there seems to be a fascination—even obsession—with the topic of marriage. Regardless of whether a particular lecture is dedicated to something other than gender relations, the topic of marriage somehow always creeps up.

Now, do I consider this a bad thing? Not necessarily. Indeed, considering the magnitude of fitan (trials) that many unmarried folks face, such as the pressure to date or deal with the opposite gender on terms outside of the boundaries of Islam, I believe that marriage is something that should be discussed and encouraged.

What I’m more fascinated with, however, are the underlying reasons for why people – especially the youth – want to get married so quickly. Despite not having enough resources to care for themselves, let alone a spouse, or whether they understand the Islamic obligations and duties of a spouse, it seems that many of our brothers and sisters have become consumed with the thought of marriage…why? I wonder: what are the psychological reasons behind why a person—who might not be physically or emotionally prepared—wants to get married? If this sounds like you—have you asked yourself why? I mean, apart from the obvious reasons of wanting to complete “half your deen,” or pleasing Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), do you think there are some underlying issues that may be driving you to consider marriage?

Here are some reasons that I have come up with on my own:

  1. I have noticed that some people view marriage as an escape from their current situations. Perhaps they believe that by getting married, all of their social and familial problems will be solved. Unfortunately, some Muslims may be living under dire conditions at home and might be going through emotional and/or physical abuse, and so for them marriage seems like a way out.
  2. Some people may feel misunderstood by their peers and families, and may desire a partner who can understand and sympathize with them.
  3. Some individuals may be feeling pressure from their relatives or cultural/ethnic communities. They may be made to feel bad for not finding a spouse, or even ridiculed and ostracized for being single.
  4. A lot of people seem to be what I’d like to call “baby-obsessed”: for them, marriage is about having child, after child, after child, after…you get the point.
  5. For some, being in a relationship is about status: literally going from “single” to “taken” or “married.” It is about letting the world know that “Yes, I am important,” and the fact that they have a partner is a sign of that importance.
  6. What about those who feel left out? Some may find that all of their friends or peers are getting married, and yet there they are, all alone. They may internalize their “single-hood” and begin to think that something is wrong with them.

My point is, issues such as low self-esteem, lack of attention, the desire for appreciation, the need to be noticed, lack of emotional support, peer/familial pressures, and societal expectations are, unfortunately, some of the underlying reasons people may seek marriage. We have been made to believe that marriage will solve all of our problems; that after getting married, we will truly live happily ever after. In my opinion, this outlook turns marriage into an end instead of a means and as a result, marriage becomes the “end all, be all” for many of us, We tell ourselves things like: “after marriage, I’ll be happy,” “after I get married, I’ll be satisfied.” We begin to view marriage as the ultimate solution to all of our problems, when in reality it is not. Marriage must be viewed as a means, and understood in terms of your personal relationship with Allah (swt). It is not marriage, in and of itself, that will bring you things such as happiness or contentment. Rather, it is through the act of marriage that you will find yourself coming closer to Allah (swt) insha’Allah (God willing). Through coming closer to Him and turning back to Him, you will begin to find true happiness and contentment, insha’Allah (God willing). That said, marriage should be viewd as a means to draw you closer to Allah (swt); a means of attaining His pleasure and earning His Paradise.

Brothers and sisters, marriage won’t solve your problems—Allah (swt) will.

So, if you find yourself currently in a rut—everything seems to be going “bad” for you; you’re depressed, lonely, sad, angry, frustrated, confused, or hurt—take a step towards Allah (swt). Turn to Him to solve your problems. Who knows, marriage may be the means through which He decides to help you…yet at the same time, it may not be. The point is, we need to start viewing the idea of marriage with a healthy mindset: one that is enriched with knowledge and empowerment from the Qur’an and Sunnah and one that realizes that Allah (swt) alone is the solver of all our problems and issues—and Allah (swt) knows best.

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Lightingshine
07-25-2015, 09:29 PM
I believe this thread is very enlightening and an eye opener certainly.As much of the points being mentioned and cases are true and happen in Asian as well as European countries.But what I find sad and damaging for Islamic Society nowadays is that Islamic societies are plagued by such Marriage Bandits.Islamic society has forgotten the notion of marriage as a sacred bond.The most important institution and what is becoming of it???It is becoming a buisness transaction where predators are targeting vulnerable victims blinded by materialistic desires and laziness into deceiving alliances.Is this what Marriage a sacred Union would be based upon.It is sad indeed to witness such stories.The red flags you mentioned are informative indeed as many people don't Realize them until their in hot waters.Such cases are existing due to online cheating as well.Hopefully your thread proved fruitful for readers in this forum.
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Signor
07-28-2015, 02:27 PM
Assalamu Alaikum

I found this case study with few tips useful from an article Screening a Potential Spouse in Egypt from Abroad by Shannon Abulnasr.

So, you found someone you are interested in marrying that lives in Egypt.

What now?

It is hard enough, plus time consuming to get to know the details about a personal that is local, so how do you accomplish getting to know them enough to marry them from abroad?

Most importantly, do not get emotionally attached to a person until they pass a background check. Once you become emotionally attached, you may overlook, or not even notice potential harmful information that can arise.

Men use women all the time, all over the globe. This is a fact. When you don't even know each other face-to-face, it makes it even easier to manipulate a person. Women are used for immigration, money, military exemption, improving language skills, temporary “halal” sex, you name it...., they do it. You must do a background check to make sure they are on the up-and-up.

Seek Help from a Trustworthy Guardian
So, how do you dig up the dirt on someone that is living abroad? It is always important to find and make use of a wali (guardian). Many revert women feel they don't need a wali, either because they are divorced, or don't feel comfortable with a third person helping do the vetting. It is very unwise to neglect the use and availability of a wali.

I always encourage women (if possible) to find a wali that has no relation or connection to the potential spouse. Men usually encourage revert women to let their friends or relatives to be their wali, which is dangerous, because the purpose of a wali is to look out for the best interest of the woman and not the man. Of course, if he is a friend or relative of the man, he would be looking for his best interest instead. Don't fall into that trap like so many do.

I recommend (if possible) to find a wali that is from the same country as the man. If he has the same nationality, he will know the customs, expectations, rules, laws, tricks, scams, and usually familiar with the different areas of his country and the type of people in them, not to mention having a network of people to help collect information from. A wali from the same country can dig up things on a person better and quicker than someone that isn't from there. So find yourself a wali, and make use of him. It is your right, so don't neglect it.

I myself, have helped gather information on men for women in the past, and more often than not, it exposed a million and one lies. To give you an idea of what can happen, I will tell you a few stories about the people we've been contacted to help (after the damage was already done). The intention is to make sisters aware of dangers out there, not to shy them away from seeking a husband in Egypt. Egypt is filled with many pious men, but usually they are not the ones looking for brides on the internet... so you must be careful, and know how to filter out the bad seeds.

If a man is interested in you, tell him that you want him to talk to your wali first before you get attached to each other emotionally. If he resists this, then consider that a huge warning sign, and avoid him, because he is hiding something.

You find a wali either in your local community, or ask around, or ask international contacts in Egypt to assist you in this.

It is best to find a wali that is already married since he knows the process well, and will have a sense of responsibility about himself, and understands the seriousness of the matter. Have him contact the family of your fiancé, his friends, check on his work, the masjid he attends, etc. This is the normal process of finding a spouse in the Muslim world, so don't be shy to ask for that information from him. If he doesn't want to provide it and makes a drama about “trusting him”, then be very wary.

Start Your Investigation
You should also demand to speak to the person's family online with a web camera to make sure that you know them, and they know about you. If he says they don't know English, then I suggest you do your best to have someone on 'your side' that can help translate for you. Make yourself known to the family, even if they don't like or accept you, because many men will keep you as a secret, and even go to the extent of having actors pretend to be his family. I've seen this done, and I almost couldn't believe that people did that sort of thing, but they do.

You must check on everything that you are told, otherwise you would never know if he is telling the truth about things or not. Maybe he doesn't work, and isn't capable of providing for a wife, or already has a wife and kids. You never know. Usually, his friends or family, or other acquaintances will not hide that information from a future spouse unless, they too, are corrupted.

Don't allow people to play with your life, do your homework, and act responsible. It just may save your life. Read some of the stories of women I've had to help to know what kinds of things can happen if you are not careful.

Some Tragic Experiences
I helped a South African revert sister who was very new to Islam, and was a niqabi (i.e. wears the face veil). She illegally married a man, not knowing the method she did it was total fraud, because her wali was his friend, and he bribed a corrupted imam to do the marriage.

Her husband taught her what she knew about Islam because she thought he was a trustworthy source of information since he told her he was an “imam” (which he was not). It turned out that he was teaching her “Hislam” not Islam. (What he wanted her to know to suit his desires and not tell her of her rights). She also, unknowingly gave away her rights in writing through deception of her husband because she loved and trusted him. He held her like a prisoner in a make-shift home, but she escaped and ran for her life after her husband's family tried to kill her after learning about her marriage to their son.

She fled back to her country, and he was refusing to give her a divorce until he was fully exempted from doing military duty (men become exempt when married to foreign nationals). Military exemptions, along with immigration were his motives for marrying her. He even had several other revert women in Germany lined up and in love with him online just as a backup plan. He was already moving forward with them, and got a fiancé visa within days of the South African woman leaving.

I had to get her an attorney to help her from Egypt while she was in South Africa to get khul' (a type of divorce where the wife gives up her rights to be separated) from her husband. She took off her hijab, niqab and abaya and decided she had to start back learning Islam from the very beginning to know the truth from falsehood that her husband had taught her.

There was another woman we helped from New Zealand. We actually advised her before she even came to Egypt that things didn't add up, and that the little information she had given us didn't paint a good picture of him to us. We advised her as well as did many other Egyptians that he was not being completely honest with her about things, or being realistic about what it would take to support her. She came anyway, and didn't listen to the advice of anyone about what they knew.

She found herself living in a very bad area, that even Egyptians consider to be ghetto and filled with criminals, 100% unsafe for a foreign woman to be living in. This was a deal breaker for her.

In the end, she was being hunted down by her husband, and he came after our family as well. Police informed us that his family members were thugs that were famous in his area, and to take their threats seriously. He had held all of her possessions as a ransom and demanded that if she wanted any of her things back that she must take him to Australia or New Zealand. His intentions were stated loud and clear after his true colors were exposed.

Another American woman was happily married for over a decade until she accidentally discovered she was deceived for a decade. She discovered she was in a polygamous marriage, for an entire decade, as the second wife, and the first wife had 7 kids from him, while she had none.Neither wife knew of the other since he was in the tourism industry. He was lying to them both making them believe he was on tours with clients explaining his absences. I feel that she will never trust a man again after her ordeal.

I found out that she never met his parents, because he told her that they would never approve of her, so she decided with him that it was better not to meet them. Now she knows this was just a plan to keep herself a secret from his first wife, because his own mother would have told the first wife, which is exactly what happened.

So, after knowing these stories, one can understand the urgency and importance of fully investigating the background of an individual. There are more stories, but these should suffice. Go the full extent, and don't be shy to ask probing questions, or to demand proof of things they claim to you.

If they were to marry an Egyptian woman, they would undergo the same investigation, so it is expected. Many men opt for a foreign woman at times, simply because they know that foreigners are easier to lie to and manipulate and that an Egyptian woman would never marry them due to the things in their history.
To be fair though, many Egyptian men seek revert wives because Egyptian women demand huge dowries that are unattainable, and foreigners usually don't care about large dowries.

So, just be careful, do your homework, be strong, and pray istikharah. God will guide you to what He wills and thinks is best for you.
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