A dialogue with me

[Ali Hammuda]

Me:
“You know, why would Allah pardon me when I wouldn't even forgive myself?!”

Myself:
“Come on, what are you saying?! Haven’t you read the Ayah,
إِنَّمَا التَّوْبَةُ عَلَى اللَّهِ لِلَّذِينَ يَعْمَلُونَ السُّوءَ بِجَهَالَةٍ ثُمَّ يَتُوبُونَ مِنْ قَرِيبٍ فَأُولَئِكَ يَتُوبُ اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِمْ وَكَانَ اللَّهُ عَلِيمًا حَكِيمًا
“Allah accepts the repentance of those who do wrong in ignorance and then they repent soon after. It is they whom Allah will forgive, and Allah is ever knowing and wise.” (Al-Qur’an)

Me:
"Well, there you have it! According to the verse you quote, it’s only the repentance of those who do wrong “in ignorance” that’s accepted. But as for me, I’m not ignorant of what I’m doing, I know very well that my actions are prohibited .."

Myself:
"Wait, please. You’ve misunderstood what Allah means by “ignorance” in this Ayah. Mujaahid said, كُلُّ مَنْ عَصَى اللَّهَ خَطَأً أَوْ عَمدًا فَهُوَ جَاهِلٌ حَتَّى يَنْزِعَ عَنِ الذَّنْبِ.
“Every person who disobeys Allah, whether out of mistake or purposely then this person is ignorant, till he leaves the sin” (At-Tabari)
In fact, did you know that the companions would say, كُلُّ ذَنْبٍ أَصَابَهُ عَبْدٌ فَهُوَ بِجَهَالَةٍ
“Every sin which a person perpetrates is in ignorance” (At-Tabari)

Me:
"Subhan’Allah, I honestly never knew that. How merciful is Allah. But hold on, there is another obstacle. The verse says that Allah will pardon those who repent “soon after”. See?! I told you that I am exempt from Allah’s mercy! I’ve been messing about for years and years! So even if I do decide to change, this is not “soon after!”

Myself:
"Guess what? You’ve misunderstood the expression “soon after” as well :)"

Me:
"Really? Please reassure me!"

Myself:
"Ad-Dahhaak said, explaining this phrase, مَا كَانَ دُونَ الْمَوْتِ فَهُوَ قَرِيبٌ
“Every repentance that happens before death is ‘soon after’” (At-Tabari)
And Al-Hasan Al-Basri would say, مَا لَمْ يُغَرْغر
“So long as repentance is before the pangs of death”"

Me:
"Subhan’Allah .. Then .. I really don’t have any excuses, do I?"

Myself:
"These obstacles are imaginary, invented by shaytan so that you never weep to Him in regret. In reality however, Allah has removed every obstacle!"

Me:
"So, you’re saying that if I make a move towards Him, Allah may allow me in?"

Myself:
"The answer to that question is in the last part of the verse. Go on, read it"

Me:
"“It is those whom Allah will forgive.
And Allah is ever knowing and wise”"