Thank you for your question. As you've shared your difficult circumstances before, I definitely sympathize with your circumstances and can understand your sentiments.
Please take a moment of self-reflection and search your soul from where this question has come. If my guess is not mistaken, this question arose from dissatisfaction, as in lack of contentment, which is lack of rida (contentment)
. This question usually arises in our breast as a lodged protest against our circumstances when we turn our attention away from the Creator and turn our attention to creation whereas Islam's entire focus is centered on Allah.
A wonderful YouTube video that I'd recommend you watch to contextualize your personal feelings and struggles is Reliance on Allah: The Cure for an Ummah in Crisis
Also, I'd remind and share with you this:
[T]he Messenger of God Muhammad, peace and blessings of God be with him, in his early day of his mission [...] [was] outrightly not only rejected his message but also tortured and humiliated him and the very vulnerable small community consisting of mostly slaves, socially marginalised poor and destitutes who followed him. In those trying days he went to a city called Taif to invite people to Truth, yet they not only rejected him but also chased him out of the city and threw rocks at him to drive him away. The Prophet bled so profusely from the stoning that his feet became clotted to his shoes and he almost collapsed outside the city walls. There at the height of his deep sadness and suffering the supplication prayer that was uttered by the Prophet remains etched in human history forever. These were his words in translation [in prayer]:
Ashkoo dhu'fa quwwati,
Wa qillata hilaty,
Wa hawany alla nas,
Ya arham-ar rahimin
Anta rabbul mustadaafeen,
Wa anta rabbi,
Ila man takilny,
Ila baeedin yatajahhammuny,
Am ila aduwwin mallaktahu amry,
In lam yakun bika ghadabun alayy,
Wa laakinn aafiyatuka
heeya awsa'uw lee
A'uzu biNoori wajhik
Allazee ashraqtu lahuz- zulumatu
Wa saluha 'alayhi amrud-dunya
Min an yanzila bi ghadabuka
Aw yahilla alayya sakhatuka,
Wa la hawla
Wa la quwwata
|To You, my Lord,
I complain of my weakness,
and my lack of support
and the humiliation I suffer from my fellowmen.
O the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful!
You are the Lord of the weak,
and you are my Lord.
To whom do You leave me?
To a distant person who receives me with hostility?
Or to an enemy You have given power over me?
As long as You are not displeased with me,
I do not care what I face.
Your forgiveness is all
that matters to me
I seek refuge in the light of Your Countenance
By which all darkness is dispelled
and dissolved are all challenges of the world
and the hereafter,
lest Your wrath descends upon me.
I desire Your pleasure and satisfaction
To You is the supplication
Until it reaches Your Rida
Verily there is no power
other than You.
Recite and repeat reciting this beautiful prayer until you feel inside of yourself a serene acceptance of your situation and the circumstances in the world and understand that Allah is All-Wise and we may not understand why everything is as is and yet we do know that God loves us and wants the best for us.
Everyone, whether believer or unbeliever will experience his/her share of problems and difficulties, but the best part of being a believer is that Allah promises us is that we have the pleasure of our Lord to which we can look forward here and hereafter if we should be patient. And patience, my sheikh (Islamic teacher) (may Allah bless him)
had repeatedly emphasized was/is meant to be an exercise against the self for all our lives to the dying breath.
So, when you feel you are losing patience and your heart asks these questions, seek to become reacquainted again in private with Allah SuhbnaAllahwaTaala (Glorious and Exalted is Allah)
until your breast weeps with extraordinary love for Allah SuhbnaAllahwaTaala (Glorious and Exalted is Allah)
. Then your softened heart will find rest In-sha-Allah (God-willing)