Say what Needs to be Said to your Married Children

[Khalid Saifullah]

Often children approach their parents to complain about their married life! “I am being treated terribly and spoken to harshly! I cannot take it anymore! I wish I could just end this marriage!” are some of the endless complaints we probably hear. When faced with these complaints, how do we respond and react?

In a situation where they are jumping at the first convenient opportunity to bail out of the marriage and have not already tried their best to make it work, the correct response is, “My son! Go and make your marriage work! There is no way I am going to let you allow this marriage to fail!” or “My daughter! You need to make your home as there is no way that you will be coming back here!”

In essence, our sons and daughters need to be told what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. As parents, we need to remind ourselves that we also go through the same ups and downs and will sometimes have similar complaints in our marriages. Our children complain to us hoping that we will blindly believe them and justify their complaints for them. If we do this, they will regard themselves to be completely innocent and will place the entire blame for the failed marriage on their spouse.

As parents, we will definitely be emotionally affected by the complaints of our beloved children. However, we cannot allow ourselves to be governed by these emotions as this will lead us to blindly siding with our child after only hearing one side of the story.

Always remember that in marriage, the winners are not the parents who proved their child to be right. Rather, the winners are those parents who save the marriages of their children.

[azc]

You've depicted characteristics of intelligent parents

[Insaanah]

In a situation where they are jumping at the first convenient opportunity to bail out of the marriage and have not already tried their best to make it work, the correct response is, “My son! Go and make your marriage work! There is no way I am going to let you allow this marriage to fail!” or “My daughter! You need to make your home as there is no way that you will be coming back here!”

I think there needs to be a balance. There is one approach, which is now that we have got our children married off, our work is done, and now we wash our hands of it and they deal with their own problems, which we don't want to know about. There is an approach at the opposite end which is interference or intrusions in someone's marriage. Then there is the middle approach of being available and supportive, to guide couples to sort out their own problems. Sure, the children shouldn't make a habit of moaning about small things.

These days, it tends to be that two people get married, but no one has really told them what marriage really is. What are the rights and responsibilities of each party in the marriage. How do we make it work, how do we maintain it lifelong, what are some problems the couple might face and how do we equip them to deal with this. There needs to be some kind of marriage classes before marriage to educate young men and women.

I would say the correct approach is be supportive to a newly married couple, but not deserting them so they feel isolated and alone in difficulties, nor being intrusive or meddling. Otherwise, they, or a girl in particular can feel quite hurt, and feel that her wali got her married, but now doesn't care, especially if she is enduring abuse.

Education on marriage, and support from those around and beloved to the couple, both go hand in hand.