Women these days...

Assalamu Alaikum

In the hopes of becoming successful and independent, women these days have placed their focus on their education and work but I've noticed many don't know how to do any housework things.

Then there's the feminists who try so hard to beat the boys or be recognized that they've lost their very uniqueness that makes them women.

While I'm not obligated to cook and clean and do all of these things, I LOVE to do them. I take pride in being able to do it all, but I've noticed my female friends or other women don't really know how to cook, or still have their parents or others cleaning after them. As they seek independence they are still child-like when it comes to domestic work. Maybe I'm just a generalist and like to learn and get my hands into everything, but I see doing these thing as survival skills too. Like how is it as an Arab I know how to make perfect biryani from scratch but my paki bff whose family owns a restaurant does not?

How many of you cook meals for your family?

And I don't really want my post just to be about women, because there are also guys who expect from women to do all the housework and they don't know how to do anything either :X.why don't you bros learn how to cook and clean up after yourselves as well, generally speaking? Is there shame in doing it or do you attach a stigma to it? Legit questions here.

*charisma* said:

Assalamu Alaikum

In the hopes of becoming successful and independent, women these days have placed their focus on their education and work but I've noticed many don't know how to do any housework things.

Then there's the feminists who try so hard to beat the boys or be recognized that they've lost their very uniqueness that makes them women.

While I'm not obligated to cook and clean and do all of these things, I LOVE to do them. I take pride in being able to do it all, but I've noticed my female friends or other women don't really know how to cook, or still have their parents or others cleaning after them. As they seek independence they are still child-like when it comes to domestic work. Maybe I'm just a generalist and like to learn and get my hands into everything, but I see doing these thing as survival skills too. Like how is it as an Arab I know how to make perfect biryani from scratch but my paki bff whose family owns a restaurant does not?

How many of you cook meals for your family?

And I don't really want my post just to be about women, because there are also guys who expect from women to do all the housework and they don't know how to do anything either :X.why don't you bros learn how to cook and clean up after yourselves as well, generally speaking? Is there shame in doing it or do you attach a stigma to it? Legit questions here.

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Walaykum asalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

Sis i totally agree with you, i think both men and women should learn how to cook, clean..
I mean the mens excuses are "my wife and mum does it why do i need to learn"
Well your mum is not going to be around forever, she is going to get old and not be able to do all these things for you, AND YOU SHOULD BE HELPING HER NOT JUST WATCHING HER PICK UP YOUR DIRTY CLOTHES AND COOKING DINNER EVERYDAY,
What about if your wife gets too sick to cook or clean, what then take-away? Well wife is sick and take away wont do.

Womens excuses "well why should i have to, he can do it himself"
I mean honestly come on, how is that looking after your husband or family when it is upon the wife to look after the husband, his possessions and house

Both cooking and cleaning falls upon both to help eachother out, no-one likes being orderd around or told to do something in a disrespectful way, but the best way to avoid this is to know who your marrying and check their character

Womens roles are based around the husband and family, and can include cooking and cleaning if that's what the husband wants, even Allah tells women it is better for us to stay at home. Ofcourse certain circumstances call for women to go out and work etc etc, but we have women who look down on homemakers and say they have done nothing with their lives and just live to serve their husbands.
Well i would rather do that and please Allah, than be in a situation where i am not pleasing him, working with men at work, not being able to be segregated at college/ uni
(These are just how i think, but i would rather have an opportunity to learn or work away from men)

I occasionally cook for mine, but they dont really like my food as i do it too spicy and have to tone it down alot for them LOL.

I recently took up sewing still learning the basics, its very frustrating but also really fun ( i kept thinking to myself why didnt i learn this sooner, why did i look down on things that where basically potrayed as "feminist" ) i mean its so therapeutic when i get it right LOL.

(Sorry i know i went off topic abit whooopsy)

Yep I mean I agree. It´s one of those skills what everyone should learn. I am wondering does young people get any teaching for cooking from their homes - both boys and girls. If not, they should. As well people should know many other things like repairing their own clothes. I have seen how many people just throw some piece of clothing away, because they don´t know how to fix it.

*charisma* said:

How many of you cook meals for your family?

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Well, please visit in the IB Kitchen Club thread. I have tried all those recipes I have posted to there.



Family hasn´t complained.

I love to cook and I don't think there's a woman here who can compete with my level of attention to cleanliness and hygiene!!

'Abd-al Latif said:

I love to cook and I don't think there's a woman here who can compete with my level of attention to cleanliness and hygiene!!

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Erm i wouldnt be so sure about that Lol, i dont like dirt, or mess or anything being out of place or it drives me crazy, when i have my moments of madness i clean the walls LOL and make sure everything smells like fruits
Beat that

Sorry let me rephrase my wording. I intended to say there's no "person" here who can compete. I leave a section of my wall untouched for tayyamum. I don't perfume them though.

I am guilty of this... I can't even cook the most basic of meals but this is because my mother does all the cooking and I've never really felt the need to learn. When my mother isn't home we get given money to get a takeaway. At some point I'm going to have to learn but I will never be like my mother. I don't want to stay at home and slave over a stove or scrub the house top to bottom. My mother always complains about her back or knees and I don't want to be like this when I'm her age. Yes Muslimahs these days are becoming more and more independent in terms of education, career and financial stability but we're neglecting some core skills such as cooking as a result.

I think it's romantic if a man can cook for me once in a while but I don't think it's fair to bundle women as cooks and cleaners while men have the careers, money and education. If me and my husband work, I expect us to split the responsibilities fairly so we both do our part. Any husband that thinks he can just marry a women and after she comes home from a hard days work just start cleaning and cooking is going to be in for a major shock.

Some women love cleaning and cooking and providing these things to their husbands but I hate cleaning and cooking. I think men need to start accepting that women are becoming more independent and as such, chores around the house need to be shared. So cmon men, get your rubber gloves on, there's a bucket and brush under the sink, start scrubbing that toilet.

No i dont perfume it lol.
I get bleach sprays and anti-bac sprays with fruit smells.

Im not sure if "wall dust" counts as being able to be used for tayyamum though, maybe taking the dirt from a plant pot would be better as its actual dirt (soil) and not skin cells and fluff

Wa alaykum assalam,

Sis, you have this spot on ma'sha'Allah. Nothing wrong with education or a career, but I have found women now use 'manhood' as a standard by which they value themselves - which only degrades them. They themselves make men to be superior to them, that their life will be incomplete and they will be inferior unless they be as 'manly' as possible.

I see this so much that anything feminine is considered degrading - whether it is being sensitive, becoming a mother, taking care of your house and kids. I find it ironic how this whole inequality thing seems to be 'self-created'. For me, this whole feminism movement began with great ideals, but has kinda just disintegrated since then and lost its true purpose.

I just think sometimes we forget Allah swt has created both genders equal but different. As women we are given our value by Allah swt, not by men - and to want to be like men is well, futile and we'll never fulfil that sacred role we have. I sometimes think as women we have the better side, lol. Alhamdulillah.

I'm not married, but I help my mother around the house, I help her in the kitchen (not much, lol), whilst also studying. I think it's great. Not too generalise but especially some families from Pakistan use it as a status symbol these days to say 'My daughter doesn't even know how to fry an egg!' I have seen this way too many times, it's nothing terrible but is it something to really declare?

Women being expected to cook and do domestic duties is a cultural expectaction. Islamically, there is nothing that makes any connection between women and cooking/cleaning, unlike the very clear requirement of a man to provide. Biologically, it makes sense for a woman to know how to prepare food not only for herself, but to able to feed her young children. But that's about it. If a woman cooks for her husband and irons his clothes, it's because she's doing it out of love, it's the more practical arrangement or she is obeying him. Not because it's a female duty.

I really dislike the sexist attitude that is prevalent in a lot of asian/arab cultures. Not a response to the OP, just my opinion.

I hate cooking, just abhor it. It just seems illogical to me to spend 1hr or more cooking something only for it to disappear in 2 seconds. I don't mind cleaning though, I find washing the dishes quite satisfying lol. Nothing like a nice, clean empty sink to soothe the eyes.

noraina said:

Wa alaykum assalam,

Sis, you have this spot on ma'sha'Allah. Nothing wrong with education or a career, but I have found women now use 'manhood' as a standard by which they value themselves - which only degrades them. They themselves make men to be superior to them, that their life will be incomplete and they will be inferior unless they be as 'manly' as possible.

I see this so much that anything feminine is considered degrading - whether it is being sensitive, becoming a mother, taking care of your house and kids. I find it ironic how this whole inequality thing seems to be 'self-created'. For me, this whole feminism movement began with great ideals, but has kinda just disintegrated since then and lost its true purpose.

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I think you have this completely backwards. You may be comfortable being 100% reliant on your husband for money, food, clothing and your home but many women feel incredibly vulnerable with this level of dependence. What if 10 years down the line the marriage does not work out and you have to divorce? You are left with no job, no education, no money, no way to feed or clothe yourself, no home and no leg to stand on. You pretty much will be forced to stay with your husband out of fear of being left with nothing. Perhaps you have your parents to go back to or something but it's still a horrible feeling of being powerless to sustain your own life.

Now the second option is to delay marriage for a while, get an education, get a career so you have your own source of income. Then get married, both work and contribute towards a functioning household and during this time, you can work and save up a nice chunk of money for if things ever take a turn for the worse. Then when you have children you can quit your job while he works and once the kids are old enough to go to school, you can return to work part time or something of that nature.

Then 10 years down the line if things don't work out at least you have money to rent your own place, feed yourself etc. You'll have an education that will last a lifetime. You have previous work experience so finding another job will be a piece of cake and most importantly, you won't be forced to stay in a marriage you detest.

Naturally men don't like this way of thinking because they no longer have 100% control over us and that creates an unsettling picture for them. Now men are forced to respect their wives fully otherwise we'll be out the door and I imagine they dislike that.

muslimah_B said:

No i dont perfume it lol.
I get bleach sprays and anti-bac sprays with fruit smells.

Im not sure if "wall dust" counts as being able to be used for tayyamum though, maybe taking the dirt from a plant pot would be better as its actual dirt (soil) and not skin cells and fluff

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I am of the opinion that well dust can be used as tayyumum. I just won't smell like fresh fruits in the morning.

'Abd-al Latif said:

I am of the opinion that well dust can be used as tayyumum. I just won't smell like fresh fruits in the morning.

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I honestly didnt know a wall could gain enough dust for a tayyamum alhamdulilah lol.
I used my car seat before for tayyamum, felt quite weird

Get one of those plug in air freshers, safer than candles and smells of it all around

(Sorry i know off topic but im rather amazed at wall dust for tayyamum LOL)

EgyptPrincess said:

I think you have this completely backwards. You may be comfortable being 100% reliant on your husband for money, food, clothing and your home but many women feel incredibly vulnerable with this level of dependence. What if 10 years down the line the marriage does not work out and you have to divorce? You are left with no job, no education, no money, no way to feed or clothe yourself, no home and no leg to stand on. You pretty much will be forced to stay with your husband out of fear of being left with nothing. Perhaps you have your parents to go back to or something but it's still a horrible feeling of being powerless to sustain your own life.

Now the second option is to delay marriage for a while, get an education, get a career so you have your own source of income. Then get married, both work and contribute towards a functioning household and during this time, you can work and save up a nice chunk of money for if things ever take a turn for the worse. Then when you have children you can quit your job while he works and once the kids are old enough to go to school, you can return to work part time or something of that nature.

Then 10 years down the line if things don't work out at least you have money to rent your own place, feed yourself etc. You'll have an education that will last a lifetime. You have previous work experience so finding another job will be a piece of cake and most importantly, you won't be forced to stay in a marriage you detest.

Naturally men don't like this way of thinking because they no longer have 100% control over us and that creates an unsettling picture for them. Now men are forced to respect their wives fully otherwise we'll be out the door and I imagine they dislike that.

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SubhanAllah, I didn't say anything about relying completely on your husband or not working!

Women can and should have careers, but overall in society there is a view that taking care of your family makes one inferior - we shouldn't base our value compared to the standard of men - both men and women are utterly different from one another and is something we should celebrate it.

I didn't mention anything at all about not educating yourself or not having a career and that has nothing to do with the topic in question. I was just agreeing with sister Charisma that sometimes we try so hard to be like men, and lose the qualities Allah swt has given us which make us uniquely feminine. There is nothing unfeminine about working and supporting your family, it is admirable, I will be going to uni next year and inshaAllah would want a job in future - but we mustn't forget our duties also.

And no-one is comfortable about complete dependence - and you shouldn't be. The beauty of marriage is co-operation and teamwork, alhamdulillah now all women can work and support themselves, to be dependant isn't a good thing and honestly I don't think women do be 100% reliant on their husbands these days. However neither is it bad if she chooses not to work and focus on her children - I know this working woman who left her job to take care of her kids - you don't have to do this but she chose to do it and did get some criticism, which doesn't make sense to me at all.

EgyptPrincess said:

Now the second option is to delay marriage for a while, get an education, get a career so you have your own source of income. Then get married, both work and contribute towards a functioning household and during this time, you can work and save up a nice chunk of money for if things ever take a turn for the worse. Then when you have children you can quit your job while he works and once the kids are old enough to go to school, you can return to work part time or something of that nature.

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You don't have to delay marriage for education.
It's possible to be married and do school at the same time.
(Especially if both members of the couple are studying.)

Completely agree! Marriage is not the end as some people make it out to be. Alhamdulillah you can continue to study, or enjoy your hobbies, and be yourself.

Cpt.America said:

You don't have to delay marriage for education.
It's possible to be married and do school at the same time.
(Especially if both members of the couple are studying.)

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OK Assume you get married then your husband doesn't like that you want to go to university or he starts pressuring you to start cooking and cleaning etc. How can you possibly manage a full time degree while living at home cooking and cleaning all day? You'd have to find a man that would be willing from the start to accept that you're going to uni and when you leave uni you want to start your career.

Have to lay it out for them in advance so they know.

I think women take this whole feminism thing to another level, that the husband asking you to not do something or to do something is a form of oppression or something LOL.

Like if you want to work or carry on getting an education, then you speak to the potentials and explain this to them and if theyre happy with you doing that then theres no problem.
But if they would prefer the wife to be at home and them be the only provider then you find someone else who is happy with your plans.

Just because the man doesnt want the woman to work doesnt mean hes controlling or trying to be possessive, they sometimes have their reasons, but if you dont want to be in that situation then dont marry someone who wants that for his wife... simple

Everybody has their different wants and expectations of their husbands and wives, you just have to find someone who agress with you and fits into it.

A woman DOESNT have to work, unless she wants to
Education is totally different, from an islamic point everyone MUST learn about their deen, women especially so they understand their rights in the marriage and their rights over their husband, they can then learn the Quran and teach women, they can learn arabic and become an Alimah, moving onto muftiah (if thats the feminine word of it) and even a female judge that deals with women specificly.

And techinally a women is only meant to leave her house out of necessity, and if a woman is to get a job its meant to benifit women of the ummah, such as a female doctor, female surgeon, female muftiah, things where women are NEEDED, where there will be no interaction or mixing with men.

Women and men where made different have different roles for reasons made by Allah.

Only women can carry babies have a more nuturing side to them
Only men can be imam of masjid
Men are the providers and head of household
Women look after husbands possesions, money, house
Etc etc etc

I think people go a bit too far with these western feminist ideals that "that whatever a man can do, i can do" - well im sorry but no you cant LOL

Islam gave women rights and what they can and cant do long before these feminist wackos came along and tried to change things and "speak for us"

Like honestly whats wrong with cooking and cleaning for your husband lol, you do things for people you love, it doenst make you any less of a woman doing what your husband asks, obeying your husband is pleasing to Allah, but that doesnt mean that the husband cant pitch in and help, it shows good character and following what prophet mohammed s.a.w used to do by helping out his wives

What is this stigma that people put on marriage... it completes half your deen and should be the most beautiful thing ever in this dunya providing its with the right person LOL

:salamext:

I love cooking, baking, cleaning, ironing, hoovering, etc. My Dear Sisters envy me... JOKING, PLEASE DON'T. I'M BEING SILLY AND WEIRD ;D;D;D

Back to being serious... I believe it is essential for men AND women to at least know the basics of cooking i.e. How to cook rice, make roti/chappati, make a simple pasta dish etc. Also to be aware of basic cleaning i.e Laundry, washing up dishes, ironing etc.

Marriage is about teamwork, understanding, compromise and learning. So both parties should help each other out whenever they can.

In this day and age, women aren't being taught how to cook or to observe cooking, at least observing they might have an idea of what is required for various dishes. Culture, society and community play a part too, particularly once a girl becomes a daughter-in-law. They are judged and looked upon for their housework skills, cooking skills, hostess skills and social skills. Not knowing how to cook, to make appetisers or a cup of tea can be sneered upon, made horrid comments about, thus "staining" the reputation, image of their husband's family plus insults and degradation to woman's own family.

I hate that part about culture, that women are expected to do everything in the house and beyond, otherwise they'll be talked about and slandered. There is pressure upon the girl to learn housework and cooking. The fact that the husband has done some ironing, or washed his own dish or made his own cup of tea (OH MY GOODNESS, HE MADE HIS OWN CUP OF TEA?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!) is not allowed or unacceptable, it can be met with outrage and horror. I'm not joking. At all.

The fact that some girls don't know how to do any of these skills is surprising to me, all of my acquaintances, Muslim and Non-Muslim, know how to do basic cooking an cleaning, the minimum amount they can get away with, lol.

As long as the husband is okay with the wife's set of skills, however minimal or amazing they are, that's all that matters, plus helping each other out, covering their backs will go towards the everlasting love and appreciation they have for each other.

EgyptPrincess said:

Have to lay it out for them in advance so they know.

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Precisely


Take care y'all

muslimah_B said:

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It's not about trying to be a man. If I wanted to be a man I'd lift weights, watch football and get a job in construction. Most women don't want to be categorised... ie you are a women so you belong in the kitchen. I am a women and I belong wherever the hell I choose. Same rights as a man.

If I wanted to cook for a living I'd be a chef, if I wanted to clean for a living I'd be a maid. I want to do what I want, not what people think I should be doing. Yes I would cook for my husband and clean the house and take care of the kids but I also expect my husband to do his fair share to help out. I totally understand if he works all day and I do not, then I would not even want him to lift a finger with the chores because he works all day so the household duties fall to the wife.

You have to understand that people are different and want different things. Some women may love nothing more than to be at home all day cooking and cleaning for their husband and to serve his food and this brings them great joy, fantastic, hooray for you. Some women don't like to do this but seeking an alternative to cooking and cleaning is somehow being feminist. It's called having equal rights.

Even if my husband earned £125k a year I would still WANT to work. Not to show him that I'm "a man" but because I want my own self accomplishment and I want to be successful.

I have no problem with men that want their wives to be maids, what I have a problem with is when they think that is where we belong. If my husband tried forcing me to be a hermit maid and stay in doors all day I'd tell him to sling his hook.