The Non-Muslim Husband: A Lesson

[Little_Lion]

I wanted to tell you all a very difficult story for me, so that hopefully others may learn from my mistakes and my heartbreak, insha'Allah.

In September of 2010, I married a man that I loved very, very much. This was before I had reverted to Islam, so we had known each other for many years, he had stood by me through my divorce, we had helped each other through many tough times, and we had taken a long time to fall in love, having been friends for a long period first. He asked me to marry him on his 40th birthday, so that he would never forget our anniversary, as he was absent-minded when it came to dates. Even after we were married we constantly asked each other in reminder of how long we had been married, as it simply felt like forever.

He was not a perfect man, but I loved him. He struggled very hard with alcoholism, and would go for over a year without touching a drop, and then fall into binge drinking that would land him in the hospital before he sobered up again. But he was gentle, kind, polite, humble, caring toward everyone, and spoke softly. He was also an excellent student (we decided to both attend college together) and a very hard worker. He was, in almost every sense of the word, a very good man.

We decided that after we finished college, we would move to the Middle East to work in disaster mitigation, both from war and also natural disasters; he would work primarily on the environmental engineering side of it, while I would work on recovering historic artifacts and documents and ensuring their safety. He had bad experiences with religion in the past, so he left learning the cultural norms up to me, and for me to teach him what he would have to know to not cause offense in a foreign land. This is how I came to start studying Islam, and the more I learned, the more I became convinced that what I was studying was the true way. He became concerned, because of that which he did not know scared him, considering that to his Western ears, converts to Islam became extremists who ran off to join holy wars. I told him this was not the case, but he was still doubtful.

I gave my shahada privately, as dawn was breaking, one morning in March of 2011. I did not tell him for a week, and when I did tell him, he was upset that I hadn't until I explained to him that I had only not told him because I wanted him to see that reverting would not change me, and I was still the same wife I was before. He remained upset for a few more days, and asked a lot of questions, and was sometimes mad, but finally he accepted it. And he accepted it, to him, whole-heartedly. He moved up our plans to move to the Middle East for the sake of hijrah, we looked at schools where I could major in Islamic sciences (I even joined an online one out of Pakistan), and we spoke for hours about Islam weekly.

But he did not convert. This means I should have divorced him. I had joined these boards shortly after converting and everyone here said yes, divorce him. But I did not.

One night he got drunk, and said many nasty things about "my Muslim friends" (ie. the people here, who he had never spoken to). And he complained that my reverting was ruining our lives. I was just beginning to learn the prayers and getting up for Fajr is hard for anyone, and Asr and Maghrib were often during our study time, and Isha' came when we were winding down for the night or had already gone to bed. Even though he did not keep it himself it was a tough schedule for him. And with Ramadan coming, he knew it was going to get worse. He completely lost it.

I, in trying to preserve our marriage, for I was still sure I could convince him to revert, backed off on my prayers so his schedule would not be upset. I stopped coming to the boards so my company would not upset him, and I read the Qur'an in private, less and less as time went on. I gave up my Islamic studies and focused on my college classes. I spoke of Islam less and less. He had one of his binge drinking episodes that landed him in the hospital, and shortly thereafter I was in the hospital with pneumonia for a week. I spent my nights reciting the Shahada because I was convinced I was going to die then and had not been doing my prayers.

Well, he lived, and so did I, Jazak Allah Khair. Every day I thought, I should divorce him. But I still loved him. When Ramadan rolled around again he was gracious in urging me to fast, making sure I was okay, and consoling me when my doctor said I could not fast Ramadan because of my medications. He helped me calculate out my zakat - I am very poor at math - and began asking me more and more questions about Islam again.

In June of 2014, he finally said the words, ALMOST, that I had waited to hear: "I am thinking about reverting to Islam too".

But then he started drinking again.



On August 20th, 2014, at 2:20 in the afternoon, my husband took his own life.


Perhaps he would not have done so if we had divorced; only Allah knows. Perhaps he would have listened to my dawah if he was on his own and not feeling as if it was his wife trying to change him for her own sake. Or perhaps he would have started drinking worse . . . again, only Allah knows.

But it means that my love is gone, and gone for eternity. Allah does not accept those who commit suicide to Jannah. Of course, Allah can do what He wills, but this is what we are taught. My greatest wish, to spend Eternity with my husband, will not come true unless Allah finds his good deeds better than his great sin (and many Muslims will say that if he was not a Muslim, even they will not count).

So please, learn from my lesson. If you convert to Islam, sisters, and have a non-Muslim husband who is not willing to convert, divorce him. The pain you feel in doing so is nothing against the pain that comes with not being able to live your religion fully and the lesson that Allah might decide to send to you. Men, if you choose a bride from the People of the Book, choose carefully, and do not choose one who will keep you from practicing Islam as we are told to do in the Qur'an and the hadith.

I am now in the process of re-reverting to Islam, and trying to make up for lost time. I read the Qur'an daily, watch lectures daily, and am relearning proper wudu and salah. Obviously I have rejoined my good sisters and brothers here so I may learn from them as well, insha'Allah. The school I joined in Pakistan seems to be no longer functional, but their lessons are still online so I am taking those. I have five years of postponing my learning for the sake of my husband to catch up on. If I had divorced him when I should have, where would I be in the eyes of Allah now? But no, I put it off, knowing that my day of reckoning could come at any time. Mashallah, I have been given the time to rectify my lapses.

Insha'Allah someone will benefit from this story, or they may remember it if it would be of benefit to another to teach the dangers of being married to a non-Muslim man.

[greenhill]

Wow.. sorry to hear and read this.

Hope the future gets better for you..


:peace: