Living with in laws- Muslim woman's rights

[lostbint]

Asalamu alaikum,
I am here to seek advice, insh Allah. I am engaged to be married and my future husband has informed me that he will not marry a woman who refuses to live with his parents. By "live with his parents", I mean, he wants me to marry him and then his parents will move into our home. I feel as if he is taking my right to separate accommodation which is granted to me by Allah. He is more than capable of affording a separate home for me if I don't like living with them, but I have not even brought the subject up as I fear he will leave me.

I don't like the idea of starting my marriage with 2 other people in the house, and I am under no obligation to care for his parents. Anything I do for them is out of my own free will, but he thinks I am obliged. I would gladly help the parents out but I want him to understand that he is not getting a servant for his parents. The concept of a joint family comes from the Hindu culture, and I forgot to mention that his brother will be living with us too (non-mahram). I do not want to live with a non-mahram, and I refuse to slave after him.

I understand he has a duty to his parents, to care for them in their old age and I hope I don't sound condescending, I don't mean to. Is he allowed to give me the impression that I don't have a right to my own home?

Also, he refuses to pay mahr. If he married a woman from his homeland, he planned to pay mahr, but he thought I had no clue about mahr, and thus said my living expenses will be my mahr. Again, I am terrified to bring this subject up as I think he will be angry and say I am greedy.

[lostbint]

I apologise for posting this in the wrong forum, I didn't have options. Kindly move it to the appropriate forum.
Jazakallah khair.

[Regrets1]

Walaikum salaam sis.

He's made it clear to you that he doesn't want someone who won't live with his parents, you should speak to him without hesitation about how you feel..if you bring up this topic after marriage he will say he told you everything before marriage and you had no problem with it.

I suggest you speak to him and let him know your well aware of his and your own rights. I think as your not saying anything and just agreeing with whatever he's saying he thinks you don't know about your rights as a woman/wife in Islam. (He's taking advantage)

Your not asking for something haram its your right so don't be scared of him leaving you..if he does decide to leave (which I pray he doesn't) then it's best he leaves now then after marriage. When you love someone and want to marry that person (or ones already married) you have to compromise BUT you can't be the only one compromising.x

Your sacred he will leave?? He's not talking about your rights now, even without being married your scared he'll leave or what he wil think etc do you think he will give you your rights or listen to you after marriage?? Even at that time Youl be the one worrying that "if I speak to him about my rights he will leave" that's wrong sis..

[aaj]

Wa'alaikum as'salaam,

What he is doing is not Islamically acceptable. He is obligated to provide for you, not move into your own house. One of the conditions of marriage is if one is able financially (able to support a wife). If his brother is old enough to work and he's father is not pass the retirement age then they both can work and live in their own place. Your husband can move into your place if you allow it (rather then demand he provide you one instead) but he can't just bring along his family with him. You need to communicate to him what your rights are in Islam and what you expect out of marriage and ask what he expects and dispel any misguidance on his part. It's better you get this resolved now then go into a marriage and have issues. I hope things work out for you inshallah, but if not then know that it's better to deal with this now then afterwards. A broken engagement is better than a divorce. It's easier to find another brother after broken engagement then after being a divorcee. This is a reality in a society where its even harder for single non-divorcee sisters to find a good Muslim partner. You are making a life commitment decision here, don't let the fear of him leaving you cloud that judgement.

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[aaj]

Also wanted to add, since he is clear he won't marry anyone who won't accept his family living with them and this is not something you want, then has it not already been decided?

The dowry (mahr) is an obligatory part of the marriage contract, as stipulated in the verse (interpretation of the meaning):


“All others are lawful, provided you seek (them in marriage) with Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) from your property, desiring chastity, not committing illegal sexual intercourse, so with those of whom you have enjoyed sexual relations, give them their Mahr as prescribed”
[al-Nisa’ 4:24]

How can you have a marriage contract with its obligatory parts missing? is it even valid?

More on this at https://islamqa.info/en/2378

[lostbint]

Jazakallah khair soooo much, you are wonderful and I really value your advice.
May Allah bestow a thousand blessings upon you ukhti

[lostbint]

Jazakallah khair aj, your advice is really valuable and I appreciate you taking time to help me. I have not discussed this matter of the household with him, he just stated that he will not marry a woman who won't take care of his parents and live with them. Insha allah when we discuss marriage soon (he hates discussing it), I will get the confidence to approach this topic and tell him what I expect.

[Serinity]

:salam:

Discuss it now, the weigh of regret will heavier. Say you don't want live in a joint family, as that is your right. AFAIK.

Say what you have in your heart, cuz you will regret not having said it sooner.

And Allah :swt: knows best.

[Lisa921]

assalamu alaykum
I think that you need to talk to him and give him the option to provide you your rights or leave you.
Don't be afraid. We are not supposed to be attached to someone before marriage anyways. so If he leaves you then you should be okay with just prayer and dua to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Don't let codependant feelings keep you in a bad engagement. Codependance is excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner. You don't need him. you need allah and if he is not giving you your rights or making you happy before the marriage think about how it will be after the marriage when you will be living in a situation you dislike.
Women seem to take for granted what they have when they are single. If you are single and have a home and a job then say alhamdulillah. And don't search for a husband. Just let that husband find you naturally by God's help and dua. I believe one sign that you are making a wrong choice is if that thought comes in to your head that "I'm scared he will leave " What is better to be scared of Allah or a mans's desertion?
Please sister, be strong and do whats right for you. Marriage is not a thing to get into because you are scared of the future. If you are scared of the future then do something to change your future on your own. Go to school again. Get a better job. Improve your relations wth your parents. But don't go into a marriage because of you think you can't find another or whatever the fear is.
Fear and love should not be in the same equation')
take care
lisa

[Abz2000]

It is also essential to bear in mind that the son has a duty to look after his parents as long as it is within the service of Allah, and to disobey his parents if it's within the service of Allah.

It is essential therefore to keep Allah in mind as you bargain things out amongst each other since ultimately you'll all stand before Allah and embrace each other if you all pleased Allah and did your best to obey Allah - and the ones who angered Allah didn't take the opportunity for themselves to repent o Allah whilst they had time will disown each other when they face the torment.

Regarding they brother in law, he is indeed a non-mahram and a female would need to screen herself from him according to the guidelines of Allah and His final messenger Muhammad pbuh using wisdom and sincerity, with no risk of falling into haraam.
if the house does not allow for consistent adequate privacy from non-mahrams, it is better that in non-mahram in-laws live separately.

Chapter Name:An-Nisa Verse No:1

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ اتَّقُواْ رَبَّكُمُ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُم مِّن نَّفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَخَلَقَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا وَبَثَّ مِنْهُمَا رِجَالاً كَثِيراً وَنِسَاء وَاتَّقُواْ اللّهَ الَّذِي تَسَاءلُونَ بِهِ وَالأَرْحَامَ إِنَّ اللّهَ كَانَ عَلَيْكُمْ رَقِيبًا {1*

I am translating the verse provided myself since i feel it essential to clarify further:

* O humankind, fear/adhere to/get on the side of your Master/Lord and Cherisher who created you from one soul and created from it it's spouse, and spread from them both many men and women, and fear/adhere to/get on the side of Allah by/via whom you ask/demand, and the wombs/close relations/ties of kin/what is sacred **, indeed Allah is over you a watcher.

Notes:

*the slashes in the sentence above can mean "and or",

** the word "arhaam" leaves the reader thinking about sacred legal boundaries too, the word literally means womb, but (being encompassed in) rahmah (mercy), sanctuary, haraam area of a house forbidden to non-mahrams (not a brothel as haraam was wrongly defined by perverse rapist crusader colonialists who even destructively perverted the term whoore -nastaghfir wa na'oodhu bi Allah min as-shayateen min-al jinn, wa al-kuffaar wa-al munaafiqeen! Although pimping and prostitution are haraam - forbidden - too), mahram, sacred inner-circle, etc revolve around it. The masjid Al Haraam at Batn (belly) of Makkah also sheds light upon the relationship of the term.
Just some things to keep in mind.

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:


sis , where are your parents ? If you are so afraid to talk to him , tell them to discuss it with him .


The soon you / your parents discuss it , it's better . I don't understand , why you are so afraid to express your opinion to him and to your parents ? He is not the only man in this world . Make dua to Allah to bless you with a pious husband . May Allah bless your marriage.

PS. You may tell him to stay near to his parents res ; so that u 2 can visit them daily . Offer Istekhara salat before taking the decision.

[lostbint]

I do not have a male guardian or wali, sorry but not all Muslims are Asian

[aaj]

I do not have a male guardian or wali, sorry but not all Muslims are Asian

Normally for one who does not have a wali, the Imam acts as a wali for her. What some sisters do in the west is have a brother or a father of a close friend act as a wali when dealing with the other party. It can be any Muslim you trust to act on your behalf with your best interest at heart. If there is no one that you know of then you can ask the imam to be the intermediary for you inshallah.

[Muslim Woman]

I do not have a male guardian or wali, sorry but not all Muslims are Asian

:sl:

No uncle , aunt , cousins , who can talk to him on behalf
of you?

As already suggested , try to get help of local Imam.