Please Help - I am really very desperate - Family issues

Salaam all,


My dad wasn't a good husband or father he left us for another women. Therefore my mother raised me and my siblings. Provided us with shelter, food, and ensured that all of us go to a reputable university and graduate. At the age of 20 I found a work placement therefore started supporting my family ever since I graduated. By Support I mean I pay the mortgage house food bills all the expenses of my brother sister and mum completely.

I got married in December last year back home. The marriage proposal was found using a matrimonial website. My mother initially was Ok with my wife but then when she met my in-laws she didn't like my wife or the family as they live life in a more simple manner rather than flashing out money. Anyways, my mother asked me if I like my wife I instantly said yes therefore cut the story short we ended up getting married.

Now, when I got married my wife wanted me to stay more than 9 days with her. I asked my mum if that's Ok she refused with the reasoning that as I am the only person earning in my family and supporting because my father has left us so I need to act wisely. I ended up coming back to London after 9 days. During this I applied for my wife's visa but it was refused. It was after 4 months (APRIL) my wife and I had the courage to tell my mother that we want to meet each other. Therefore I asked my mum as I don't want her to feel that just because I got married now. She initially combined with my sister jointly deciding wasn't happy but somehow agreed so I booked the ticket and met my wife and performed Umrah.

On my return I came back with gifts that my in-laws gave which my mother or my sister didn't like even though they were gold ring and gold ear rings. I then started working on my wife's paperwork for the visa as this was in process my wife repeatedly every day was crying as she missed me and so did I. We both went through difficult time and by this it was July. My sister marriage was also in process which got decided to be held in end of august. I ensured all the hotel bookings to decoration gifts food everything was paid for upfront so that my sister doesn't feel that just because she doesn't have a father I cant get her married how she wants to. By the middle of July as I performed everything that needed to be done for my sisters marriage I decided that I need to see my wife for merely 8 days. I then requested my mother again if I can go she refused saying that its ur sisters wedding how can you think of it and my sister started creating this whole fitna. I told my mother that everything is all set all we now need to do is attend the wedding so why cant I be allowed to go. Somehow I convinced both my sister and mother. On the other side my wife was demanding that I visit her for more than 8 days. So I decided I will book the ticket for 10 days not tell my mother or sister as they will create a big issue. Anyhow, I booked the ticket and my mother 1 day before I was meant to go said when are you returning I gave her the wrong date as I was too scared to confront her. All of a sudden my mother stated telling me off saying you should be ashamed your going because its ur sisters wedding couldn't your wife have any sabar. I told my mum that mum I want to go too cant you see your sons happiness. This created a fire and there were arguments and my mother brother and sister decided to stop talking to me because I was heading off to see my wife.

Also, every time I used to go and see my wife I used to give my mum her weekly food allowance and my sister and brother pocket money so that they don't feel bad. I used to also ensure that all the bills and everything was paid so that nothing comes in the way for my family.

On the day I was meant to go and see my wife no one hugged me spoke to me nothing therefore I went. Now on the plane I get whatsapp messages from my sister that I am finished for her and that I should stick to living with my sister. I rang my mother she started shouting at me telling me that I am not a good son and I am just like my dad and how I should just stay with her now..

Anyways, when I went to see my wife I made my wife ring my mum but my mum didn't pick her calls or spoke to her so my wife started suspecting there is a problem I ended up telling her so my wife messaged my mum and said I apologise and I am grateful you sent me to see her. She did the same with my sister who also refused to pick up my wife's call.

During my whole stay with my wife I couldn't really enjoy and give her the best time as there were problems at my house. I messaged my sister who ignored my for few days but then ended up talking to me and convinced her by saying I am sorry your hurt and I will be grateful if you help me in convincing mum. She decided to help me and then I apologised to my mum too and she ended up talking to me. GREAT.

Now, upon my return the wedding happened all went well alhumdullilah. All my documents were ready by now so I got a lawyer to send my case this time rather than me just doing it myself who was expensive. Now, I had to find another accountant too because home office wanted one who was certified. Therefore, to sort my wifes visa and documents out I ended up paying 2500 to them so they can kick start the process and sort it all out. Now, one day my mother and I was sitting down and she said your so concerned about her visa and your ending up paying so much money and you want to submit her application on a priority basis. I with a lot of courage said to mum she's my wife and I upset shes away from me its been 9 months. Anyways, mum started saying how lucky she is and how you have done better etc etc.

Its now october and I decided that I need to see my wife again as we couldn't both our first EID together because my mum refused that I should go as It will cost alot of money. My wife said to my mum and myself that I will send you the ticket but please come its our first EID. I ended up not going...

Yesterday, I spoke to my mum that I trying my best but I cant hold my emotions for my wife and I want to meet her please just allow me 4 days. She agreed and I thanked allah. Today, my sister came and I told her that I am going on holiday for a couple of days she said where you going? I hope your not going to see your wife again.. I said no I am going with my mates... So as my sister was suspicious she rang my wife who confirmed that I am going to meet her. My sister said to my wife that your very demanding and how she has ruined her life and our family and how her brother is always stressed. My wife replied by saying hes my husband I should be allowed to meet him. My sister started telling her that he has spent so much money on you. My wife said I never asked him for a single penny all I ask is to just meet him why cant I do this. Your happily married so why cant you let my husband and my mother in law decide.

As soon as my wife said this then my sister started abusing her using a language which I don't even want to mention here. I rang my wife as she wasn't answering to my text messages upon she picked up the call and I could hear my sister abusing and my wife crying. This was also witnessed by my wife's sister. My wife told me dont worry I will not tell my parents as this will only cause more issues.

I was at work during this and then my sister messaged and said to me this women isn't coming to my house i said I heard what you said. So my sister started abusing me and said that how I have changed etc. Anyways, I left work and went home because I was very angry as my wife was crying so much and I confronted my sister which resulted in my sister breaking all our decoration pieces in the house which were made of glass vase, flowers, ya seen picture frame, everything she could pick she wanted to threw at me but ended up throwing on the floor. My mum left the house and said you sort this amongst yourself she started abusing me even more which ended up in me abusing her too. I want to ask allah forgiveness for this as this was wrong of me to do..

My mother came back and saw the house was in a mess and at this point my sister was crying and shouting which meant that my mother told me to leave the house and how she would not accept my wife in this house anymore as everything was due to her. I said to my mum that why are you saying this I don't want this I want to stay with you all as 1 happy family. My mother said this is now impossible. At this point I stared shouting at my sister that your ruining my life. Why don't you go back to your own home. This led to my sister abusing me even more she said this is my house I own half of it as the deed is on hers and my name. I said to my sister that I don't care about money and house I instantly wrote a letter saying that I give my share to my mother because I don't want my family to think that just because I am supporting them all financially I own everything. My sister left and then my mother started shouting by saying ur wife has a big tongue and she will NOT be welcome to my house and I need to start looking elsewhere if I want to live with her.. This hurt me alot alot to the point I wanted to kill myself as ever since my father left there isnt anything that my mother said or siblings said I didn't do. So I decided to go back to work on the way I spoke to my uncle who I told all this and He said How this always happens in asian families and he was also a victim of this..

I went home last night and tried speaking to my mother but my mum didn't want to even see my face. I apologised that I want to go see my wife. She said its best if you live with her you have changed. I said mum tell me when have I not listened to you. I got married because you wanted me to settle down I restrained myself from gf's now that I have got married why cant you accept my wife. She said this is not you talking this is ur WIFE.

I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes and hope this will resolve soon but after speaking to my mother again she is in no mood to sort this out. My wife last night made numerous attempts to speak to my mother but my mother didn't pick up the phone. My wife sent all the messages that my sister had wrote to her after the call (abusing) to my mother. My wife last night once again sent her an apology message.

I dont want to leave my mother as she has sacrificed her life for us but I also dont want to leave my wife as she is a really good person and I love her...

There are times when I want to just kill myself what do I do I am helplesss - please can someone advice.

Jazakallah

wa'alaikum as'salaam,

what you have is abusive mother and sister who are greedy selfish and self centered. Rather then appreciating you taking care of the whole family, they are taking advantage of you. You do not need your family's permission to see your wife, that is your haqq. If your other siblings are old enough to get jobs then everyone should get a job and support the family together. They see you as a softy so they feel they can be pushovers and that emotional blackmail of your mother is not helping either. Maybe that's why your dad left for another, maybe she was an ungrateful wife?

What you need to do is go talk to an imam. Not a desi imam who is going to go on and on about parent's rights over the kids, but a proper islamic imam who can give you proper islamic advice in this matter. This is something you need their advice on, not from online.

Thank you all for your reply so far. I will take advice form imam. I just want to be happy

Any more advice from someone please?

Greetings and peace be with you altaf.

There are times when I want to just kill myself what do I do I am helplesss - please can someone advice.

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You are a kind and caring person, and sadly you want the impossible to happen, that is for your mother, sister and wife to be friends. Sadly the impossible takes time, fight all battles with loving kindness, constantly forgive, and always look for the good in all people. Maybe in five, ten or twenty years, there will be peace in your house.

Never give up hope in Allah, pray for a blessing for your mother, sister and wife. Persevere with loving kindness, learn to become more resilient, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

You sound as if you are already constantly trying to do the right thing.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a great mystery, Lord grant me the peace and serenity to live this day and every day, knowing that you hold me in the palm of your hand.

May you and your family be blessed through all your trials.

Eric

Sorry to hear of your troubles brother. You are being treated unfairly for simply wishing to spend time with your wife. That is something you shouldn't need anyone's permission for. You should not have to be in a position where you feel afraid to go see your own wife.

It's a very difficult position that you are in, I understand. You don't want to upset or be unfair to your family and neither do you want to be unfair to or upset your wife. The root cause is the shaytan and his whispers, causing conflict. So, before anything, make dua for protection against him for all parties.

It's quite common to see Asian parents, particularly mothers, being too "overprotective" of their children. They refuse to let their children be independent or their own people. I think you need to take baby steps in being more assertive. The more you do it, the easier it will get. You'll feel guilty due to not wanting to upset anyone (and it probably will in the initial stages) but it's something that needs to be done.

Imagine if your wife were to end up living with you - the present situation is quite toxic and is likely to prove difficult and testing for your wife and your relationship. You can't continue having a marriage without being strong enough to assert yourself when necessary.

Take control, brother. May Allah make it easy for you. Aameen.

Thank you brothers.

Just to give you an update my wife has rang my mother at-least 50 times now but my mother doesnt pick up her calls.

My wife also sent my mum messages asking for forgiveness because she wants to spend time with her husband...

Yesterday my sister rang and she said to mum which I overheard that shes will not be happy that my wife will come to the UK.

I told my mum that if you love me then why cant you be happy with my happiness. I also told her that what do you want my wife to do so that you forgive her. She said to me not to talk back but I am in constant worry all the time just trying to resolve matters.

I have even pleaded infront of my mother that forgiveness is a sign of good iman and you need to forgive her. She said no your wife has a long tongue. I said what did she say to you. She only confronted my sister because my sister was being so rude to her. And my wife didn't abuse my sister even though my sister did so many times.

All i and my wife talk about on how we can resolve matter but my mother or sister is in NO mood to. Why does Allah test so much? What does Allah want. What does he have planned for me in the future? Why is this happening? :exhausted

bro , very sorry to hear about your problem . It's a very common problem in Indo - Pak - Bangladesh sub-continent. It's a tradition here for parents to depend on son(s) . When sons get married , parent specially mothers have a fear that they have no control over sons and son's wife is responsible for it . It's because of her , mom's son is now changing and going away from mom .

You have to ensure your mom that you will fulfilll your duties to her . Before visiting your wife , make sure that your mom has enough money for daily expenses . You don't need her permission to visit wife but don't let your mom feel neglected and helpless .

Talk calmly with mom and sis and tell them you will try your best to fulfill your duties as son , brother , husband .

Forgive your mom as i already said it's a kind of psychological fear of losing son . May be , your sister is also thinking that because of sister in law , she will lose your support . U have to remove fear from their hearts . May Allah help you . Go to mosque daily , offer salat regularly , ask Allah to help you .

AssalAmualaikum brother,

i feel very touched by your situation. You have every right to visit your wife and live with her. According to Hazrat Muhammad P.B.U.H The best among men are those who are the best to their wives. Please don't abandone your wife in this family drama. You are a responsible and noble man from your actions stated above, therefore you have rights too. To be happy and free. The way your mother and sister tried to control you and prevent you from seeing your wife as if it's a sin is very disturbing. May Allah help you and bless you with satisfaction and happy married life. Aameen.

Thank you all. Sorry for the long text above.
I always ensure that I do this. I have allocated a weekly allowance for my mother in addition to the rest of the support i.e paying mortgage bill etc.

Also, I also got my sister married the best one I could afford. I just want to be happy with all my family which includes everyone not just my wife. I explained to my mother that my wife is my wife and your always going to be my number 1 women till i die. My mother just doesn't want to budge at the moment. Yesterday, I tried speaking to her again and in the end after so many arguments etc she was convinced for me to go. But she goes she doesn't want to speak to my wife. How will things work out if she doesn't. My wifes parents are asking my wife on why my mother doesn't ring her anymore and if there is a problem.

I said to my mother yesterday that you need to look at my wife as some1's daughter/sister and treat her as your own. My wife also has a right to live and what does she ask me only to meet her which I believe I have every right to. I then gave an example that recently my brother wanted money for his car insurance and to buy a new car. I insistently gave the money and ensured he gets what he wants so why cant I do this for myself it is my wish to see my wife.

My wife always calls my mum and messages her but I see with my own eyes that she ignores her calls and messages. WHY WHY WHY

The answer she gave me was that it was coz of my wife that those issues happened but it was my sister who rang my wife when she could have sorted this out with me. I know they are over possessive about me but what I am surprised about is those same rules don't apply to my sister or my bother. I created a family group on whatsapp so that my sister mum and brother can communicate with my wife more often but they all left!

I really don't know what to do and it scares me that when my wife arrives what will happen then..

I even said to my mother yesterday that why get me married if you guys were going to do this with me..

Why can life be so difficult when it doesn't have to be...

Why cant all mothers accept there daughter in law as there own daughters

Why cant we all live in peace rather than fighting over things that aren't even worth fighting

Ya allah help

Greetings and peace be with you altaf.

You sound as if you are doing all the right stuff now, but you just have to keep fighting all battles with loving kindness, you need resilience and perseverance to keep doing the right thing. You could still be having this same conversation in five or ten years time, kindness takes ages to filter through and soften the hearts of those around us. Never give up hope that some good will come from all your struggles.

Pray for Allah to help you and your family do his will.

May you and your family come to be a blessing to each other.

Eric

you have been given a lot of good advice and support

now you have to make the right decision which happens to be moral/religious decision..

and live as a man with responsibilities and challenges which will never end..

you are not the first man to be ever tested nor will you be the last..

in fact many are in a worse situation than yours.

be courageous and do the right thing and stop procrastinating:inshallah

:salamext:

My dear brother, you seem like a very conscientious and generous person who cares deeply for his family and may Allah bless you for this abundantly. This trait of generousity and care is not seen in many people and I pray to Allah that He eases your affairs and brings peace in your home. Aameen. We know, in this life, Allah blesses us with many blessings. A family, wealth, provisions, a spouse and if we were to start counting, the list would be endless. You have a very good spouse, may Allah bless her with abundant good for her patience n insistence in trying to amend this upsetting and difficult situation with her new family and may Allah forgive us all for our shortcomings. Aameen.

My brother, some blessings are sent to us in the form of trials. Allah says in the Quran translation of which;

And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient (2:155)

These trials come into our life to remind us of Allaah and our purpose in this temporary abode and body, to turn our hearts to Him, and our eternal abode in the hereafter.

Everyone of us goes through this process of being reminded of Allah. Today, not only you and your wife, but your whole family is being tested. Allah swt says in the Quran (translation);

Indeed, We have made that which is on the earth adornment for it that We may test them [as to] which of them is best in deed (18:7)

My dear brother, trying to resolve and rectify family issues is perhaps one of the most difficult challenges, and when we experience this (our relationships turning sour), the first thing which we should reflect upon is; What is our relationship like with Allaah. Is there anything in my life that I may be doing or not doing which is upsetting my relationship with Allaah? How are my prayers? Are my earnings and financial transactions halal or does any of it involve interest?

My brother, we do not have control over the affairs or hearts of others, we can only correct ourselves and every one of us is in need of this correction. We are not here to judge one another, but to remind. My sincere advise to you, is to make your concern and focus on Allah being pleased with you and leave it to Allaah to make your family pleased with you. Be patient with them, remind them about the hereafter, seek knowledge about Islam and especially encourage the women folk in your home to attend Quran tafseer courses (there are many good ones in Urdu and English). The wealth that Allah has blessed you with, spend it on helping to spread the knowledge and fear of Allah in your household. It is the Quran that softens our hearts and brings blessings into our life. And if your family doesn't listen to you, then encourage your wife, and read the Prophets seerah together because you both will need these tools in order to deal with this difficult situation. Understand that the root cause for these problems is our weakness of Eemaan and forgetting about Allahs commandments. We need to remind ourselves and those around us. We need to save ourselves from doing any injustice to anyone and also save our families and those whom we love from doing any injustice.

Lastly, in the midst of sour feelings and arguments, when we wish to speak even if we are in the right, Remember this hadith, and for those who have implemented it, have seen the powerful effects of it in their life.

من صمت نجا (tirmidhi)

The one who remains silent, is saved / Jo khamosh raha, vo najaat pa gya

This situation is not easy brother. We are very weak and fall short many times, which is why we must always seek Allahs forgiveness and seek His help with abundant dua. May Allah help you to handle this situation wisely and patiently, and may Allah bring the light of Eemaan into all your hearts and home. Aameen.

P.s. I don't know if you and your family speak/understand Urdu but this is a very effective and heart changing Quran tafseer course that can even be played in our homes. The sister's name is Iffat Maqbool and she has touched many hearts Maa shaa Allaah.

http://nurulquran.com

If someone is treated poorly, of course one should try to help

A good read inshallah :

[h=4]To what extent can the husband’s relatives interfere in his wife’s life?[/h]https://islamqa.info/en/6388