Problem with parent

[AbdelAziz]

Hi, I'm here to talk about my ongoing problem with my mother. As a kid I was pretty obese and today I've lost a pretty good amount but I'm still overweight. I have asked my mom if I can play soccer, but ignored or never fulfilled the promise since my mom hated that my dad played soccer. So I have been bullied for my weight. Not only at school but from my mother. Today there are still problems with me and my mother I'm a teenager now. I have always gotten the best grades out of all of my 3 other siblings, yet my mother still refuses the fact I'm smarter. My mom bet me that her iq was larger and yet I had beat her score by 25 points at the age of 11. I have always tried to be a good Muslim and pray as many times as I can in a day, and I pray more than my siblings, yet my mother decided to treat me badly. I've figured out already gn the years that my mother has a cycle on which she treats me on. She gets angry, I feel hurt, then we resolve the problem, then we start treating each other well and so forth. My dad works outside the country and he comes every 2-3 months for a 1-2 month intervals. So my mom is very busy with her 4 children. But then until recently my mom decided to commit suicide, and I've thought of it as well. Ever since then my mother had always threatened to leave us and start a new life else where. And she knows that if this happened my dad will have to take us to live where he works. And I've always been skeptical since my dad has a good paying job, yet we find ourselves short on money at times. Which I've begun to think he has a different family or affair. So my mom curses at me and treats me horribly. When I talk to her about something she always believes that I'm ungrateful for her and then she wishes me death. Once I asked her for dinner and started cooking this horrible meal and contaminating it and I refused to eat, my mother started a whole fit. Recently I've started arguing on a daily basis and yelling back and forth. I don't think my mom is stable and I feel like that she will never allow me to enter heaven. And wishes me death and curses at me. What should I do?

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

Do you mean that your mother attempted suicide? You said she committed suicide but she is still alive, right?

It seems your mom is depressed and angry inside, so she takes it out on you. It's very clear that you care a lot about your mom, but perhaps she abuses you the most because she knows that you will always love her no matter what. I think some people hurt the people they love the most because they can count on them to always be there and not judge them for their actions. So while I know it's hard to feel accepted by her, she needs you to be her rock. So try not to take what she does or what she says to heart all the time. I think she just has no one to open up to or communicate her anger towards. For example, she might be angry with your dad for not being there all the time, but she cannot express her anger to him because he is not there.

Secondly, I think it's great that you are losing weight. GOOD JOB! It's really hard, so feel proud of yourself and don't let anyone take that achievement away from you. Continue to do it and if you're being allowed to play sports, then I don't think you should turn away the opportunity. The bullying from parents about weight is very common in soooo many families. I don't want you to think that you're the only one experiencing it. They feed you unhealthy food, or complain if you don't finish your plate, but expect you to be fit :p and sometimes it's the opposite where they think you're too thin if you're normal weight! But you do what will make you healthy and happy and don't worry about other people's opinions of how you look. You don't need anyone to appreciate it for you because you're not doing it for THEM, you're doing it for YOU; you're the one putting in the hard work.

Thirdly, I don't want you to have suspicions of your father. Even if he is not around as much and is not sending enough money, it's not right to have suspicion without real proof. It's only going to make you and your family paranoid and sad to think so negatively of him. You have to do the opposite and try to make the environment you're in more positive for your family because they are going through hard times. Your mom seems depressed so maybe she can seek professional help for the way she is treating the people around her and for trying to commit suicide. You all should be more connected with your faith as well. Pray your prayers, make a lot of du'as, and ask for forgiveness for all of your shortcomings. Being connected with your faith takes so much stress away from you and increases your reliance in Allah.

Lastly, do not fight with your mom. She is probably in a fragile state and arguing with her and yelling is only going to make her feel worse. How old are you?? it seems you are old enough to do some things on your own like cook your own meals. Doing little things around the house and being more independent may take away the stress of her having to raise 4 kids on her own. It's really hard to do that so you guys should be helping her as much as you can. May Allah ease your affairs ameen.