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Jap1990
01-19-2017, 05:15 PM
Salaam all. I'm new here and seeking some advice about my problem.

I am married to a lovely man MashaAllah, everything is going great apart from that I recently found out (through an aquaintance who couldn't keep her mouth shut and happened to spill the beans) that my husband had a girlfriend before he married me. Apparently this person who told me used to be at the same Uni as my husband so she knows. Anyway, I confronted him and he accepted it. I am truly truly heartbroken! We have talked about it and he said he was still a virgin when we got married as he didn't have sex with his ex girlfriend. They just kissed and he said he didn't even touch her inappropriately.

I honestly feel betrayed because I saved myself for my husband, never got close to a guy let alone touch or kiss one because I wanted to only be my husband's. I'm not saying I am perfect and that he isn't but in this regard I feel as though if I could keep my chastity then why couldn't he?

He keeps telling me that I have nothing to worry about because there was nothing sexual between them and that he didnt even get 'turned on' when they kissed etc BUT having studied medicine and human physiology at university I know very well that guys can get turned on very easily from things as simple as hugging. I don't know why he is lying to me about that. I feel sick to my stomach whenever I think about how he must have got sexual feelings with her to the point where I can no longer go near him. I've lost all desire to be physically close to him because I feel as if he has already given what was mine to someone else.

He is getting frustrated over this but being the good man that he is, keeps reassuring me that I have nothing to worry about, that it was a mistake and he repented to Allah. Now I know this sin is between him and Allah alone and I don't want to interferre but I just can't help feeling betrayed.

Can someone, preferabble if they've been in my shoes, advice me as to how I can overcome this sickening feeling and enjoy life with my husband?

Thanks
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aadil77
01-20-2017, 12:28 AM
May Allah give you sabr

Time will heal inshaAllah, his past is not as bad as it could have been and if you did not make it clear before marriage what you were looking for then theres not much you can do. That feeling of exclusivity may be gone but I'm sure he will make it up to you in other ways

Take it as a test and don't let it cause your marriage to fall apart. Allahu musta'an.
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greenhill
01-20-2017, 09:09 AM
Welcome to the forum.

You know, it is all about you and there is nothing anyone can do to make you change if you do not want to.

First thing is first, you are married to him. So, that changes things. Now, the glaring thing to me was that when you confronted him, he accepted it! He did not deny it and the second part is that despite your frustrations and distance from him, he still is assuring you rather than also keeping his distance… so the rough signs shows that he was genuine and is trying to make amends.

I would bridge the gap with him but yo will have to 'move on' and push these negative feelings away. But you have to tell him that this is a real battle with self to give him a chance to redeem himself and build the marriage but if something similar happens again you would be shattered.

I don't know.

Wishing you a great stay.


:peace:
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azc
01-20-2017, 10:43 AM
Originally Posted by Jap1990
Salaam all. I'm new here and seeking some advice about my problem. I am married to a lovely man MashaAllah, everything is going great apart from that I recently found out (through an aquaintance who couldn't keep her mouth shut and happened to spill the beans) that my husband had a girlfriend before he married me. Apparently this person who told me used to be at the same Uni as my husband so she knows. Anyway, I confronted him and he accepted it. I am truly truly heartbroken! We have talked about it and he said he was still a virgin when we got married as he didn't have sex with his ex girlfriend. They just kissed and he said he didn't even touch her inappropriately. I honestly feel betrayed because I saved myself for my husband, never got close to a guy let alone touch or kiss one because I wanted to only be my husband's. I'm not saying I am perfect and that he isn't but in this regard I feel as though if I could keep my chastity then why couldn't he? He keeps telling me that I have nothing to worry about because there was nothing sexual between them and that he didnt even get 'turned on' when they kissed etc BUT having studied medicine and human physiology at university I know very well that guys can get turned on very easily from things as simple as hugging. I don't know why he is lying to me about that. I feel sick to my stomach whenever I think about how he must have got sexual feelings with her to the point where I can no longer go near him. I've lost all desire to be physically close to him because I feel as if he has already given what was mine to someone else. He is getting frustrated over this but being the good man that he is, keeps reassuring me that I have nothing to worry about, that it was a mistake and he repented to Allah. Now I know this sin is between him and Allah alone and I don't want to interferre but I just can't help feeling betrayed. Can someone, preferabble if they've been in my shoes, advice me as to how I can overcome this sickening feeling and enjoy life with my husband?Thanks
don't make your life hell by sheer stupidity.
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noraina
01-20-2017, 12:28 PM
Wa alaykum assalam,

Sister, we all have a past, most of the time one we're not exactly proud of, but the only way we can ever move forward is if we ourselves and those around us provide the opportunity to, if not forget, then forgive.

In Islam, a fundamental concept is that it does not matter how you were in your past, what state you were in or what you did, the only thing matters is the person you are in the here and now. Allah swt always gives us the opportunity to turn back to Him in forgiveness, no matter what, and as people we should also show compassion when someone sincerely turns back for the better.

I understand it can be hurtful to know that, but if your husband genuinely regrets what he has does and has repented, then there's no need to dwell on that one point and ruin your marriage over it. If he is a sincere and loyal righteous husband now, ma'sha'Allah, then the person he was in the past doesn't matter. Everyone has to start off somewhere.

Honestly, it's not worth you breaking your marriage over this, especially if you have a good relationship one another. Overcome this trial and you'll find your marriage is even stronger for it.
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