should i seek help/alternative, or am i over reacting? - family issues

[jenna.]

Assalamu Alaikum brothers and sisters,
i've reached out to this forum because no body seems to be able to deliver advice in the base of islam and it's correct ruling in consideration with my personal situation. Basically, i'd like an opinion or possibly guidance on my issue. My father has his 'favourites' (eldest daughter, youngest brother), and with myself being the middle child, the blame and all controversy is put on me from both my mother and father. All five family members come to their own terms that i'm mental and have anger issues/attitude/no diligence, in the past i used to say otherwise and try to explain that i'm complete opposite of their perception, however, i've given up trying to explain myself last year hence having to focus on schooling. My father has physically abused me when there is an issue and im involved because somehow it's always my fault (since as far as i can remember, possibly since grade 2) though some would say its just parental discipline. Though it should never be to the point where one would have to through anxiety, in which i did. Evidently, this has been going on for over a decade so two years ago, i went through a stage where i didn't have care about anything, not my friends opinions, family issues, political conflict etc, i just agreed with everything to avoid having to get involved in anything ( i still got blamed for just existing) , which i think is a great mistake because i feel as if my family is taking advantage of my new character. i still do just take the blame, it's much easier this way. My father is a hypocrite, liar and a selfish man whom by reputation is what he feeds on, he'll physically and verbally assault me and my mother (very unlikely but has happened also with my sister) but in public's eyes, he's 'great'. So i hope you can understand my father's nature without me having to go into further detail. I'm 17 years old, school prefect, awarded with many leadership and academic awards within my community yet im still having to deal with such consequences that no one knows of because i keep my family life on a low. i cant complain that i'm allowed to go out or do pretty much whatever or where ever i desire, though being responsible, i initiate my own limits, to set the scene, i choose to go to the library though i have the option of doing anything else i desire. My mother who does cause quite a large fraction of my stress, does greatly however financially support all my needs and wants which i'm grateful for. i'm currently undergoing my last year in high school, which without doubt, comes along with major exams. I'm trying to do anything possible to focus on my studies, though my sister who i have to share i a room with, is on a mission to indirectly interfere and generally ruin my studies (she literally said it herself multiple time) . She's hidden my notes, taken my books, create a disturbance whilst im trying to study. My dad just says that i should inform him of when she does, however whenever i do, i get blamed severely for minor acts such as yelling at her to stop which is what has happened just this moment (as im writing this). I'm out of options, my family are all against me, and i cant discuss this with my friends nor do i want to address a helpline or counsellor. I'm bottling everything up for the day i move out, by which i cant until i've "finished university and get married" ( such a futile typical thing to say by parents). It is for god's sake that i haven't exploded out of fury or chosen to act like my sister's character who is in general terms 'a bad person'. This is obviously just my point of view compared to the five others, i'm not perfect as a child/daughter/muslim but i'm always trying to progress without doubt. Should i just endure another six years, or move out when i feel that i can, or is there another option i should i take? please, any advice or opinion is of great need. Thank you all!

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

I think the answer is patience. At 17, your problems seem massive when in reality by comparison to other things in life, they are quite small (I know you won't agree with me on this now - however, I believe you will when you're older and have experienced more of life in sha Allah).

My dad just says that i should inform him of when she does, however whenever i do, i get blamed severely for minor acts such as yelling at her to stop which is what has happened just this moment (as im writing this).

Maybe it is your reaction of shouting which causes them to get annoyed. Try to not react at all to your sisters behavior but go directly to your parents and let them know and let them handle it. By shouting as an immediate reaction, you end up "creating a scene" and the knee-jerk reaction of your parents might be to tell you off because it is your shouting that is causing them an inconvenience - whereas your sisters behavior although very bad, is not obvious to them immediately.

But honestly, you won't be 17 forever. Life will change pretty fast the years go by. Take it easy and not stress over things too much.

[Supernova]

Asalaamualaykum
Sister in islam -

After reading your non-paragraphed episode, (which was rather harsh on the eye might I add), i am baffled about something.

In the end you have stated that you will not discuss or seek help from friends, helplines nor a counsellor.

Sorry for being pedantic - but the very fact that you asking this question here is in itself seeking help in the form of counselling. In fact, any sane person would recommend 1 to 1 counselling over seeking council on the internet based on the fact that a councillor can get deeper into the issues at hand.

The fact that you have denounced practically all possible help and then come here is a worrying situation itself. There are other people on this site who have no other option hence come here with their situations justifiably, but in your case whereby you have CHOSEN not to seek the direct impact help that will really help your leaves much to be questioned.