Controlling father??? Please help.

[luvhanna]

Basically I'm a Muslim girl 17 years of age (18 next month) but anyway I live with my parents and 5 siblings one more on the way. Lately I've been extremely frustrated at my dad because he's way overprotective I know it's out of love and care but honestly I feel trapped in this house. I've always obeyed my dad and have been the best daughter, he is religious and uses that as a way to belittle me and manipulate me whenever I want to do the smallest things. When I wanna go out with friends etc he first has to lecture before saying yes, he does the same thing to my siblings but I feel like it's don't affects them as much maybe because they are younger but I know they will be sooner or later. My father lectures everyone in the household constantly including my mom, he acts as if he's always right, he says we must ask him for permission on everything because "that's what families should do" he's constantly wanting to perfect everything and make sure nothing goes wrong he says the outside world is too dangerous which is true but you can't control us and want us to stay indoors (he lets us go out but after a lecture which is so frustrating I might aswell stay home). As a Muslim I believe everything is in the hands of god, only god can control what happens to us and for my "religious" dad whose contantly preaching the religion to try and control everything I believe is so wrong and utterly frustrating.
My dad recently had a brain surgery and I feel like he's just become worse ever since then like he had this anxiety that something may happen to us so he feels it's best for him to control and overprotect. I feel like I can't grow to the adult I want to be especially since I'm starting uni soon.
I have no idea how to deal with this honestly. I know Islam teaches us to obey our parents and I always do that but it's so hard in this day and age when you just wanna grow and explore and find out who you are. I feel like my mental health is getting bad recently because of this I know I should just be patient but I have for so long and idk if I can anymore, I've battled so hard with myself to become mentally strong and I think it worked for a bit but now I feel as if it's going down the drain.
Any word of advice, Quranic quotes and hadeeth to help me in this situation would be appreciated immensely.
Thank you.

[Serinity]

:salam:

I know I might not be of much help at all, if any. But I am 100% sure that he loves you, and he loves his family, and your siblings. He is afraid that you get drugged or maybe a boyfriend, etc. Try to answer his worries. Because I am sure there are things that are worrying him.

Because of this worrying he might become overprotective. It is natural. Try to communicate to him his worries.

And Allah :swt: knows best.

[Simple_Person]

As-salamu alaikum wa rathmatullah,

Welcome to the forum.

Sister, you first have to find the right perspective to conclude the situation you are in. Let me "lecture"... :D

You said "As a Muslim I believe everything is in the hands of god, only god can control what happens to us and for my "religious" dad whose contantly preaching the religion to try and control everything I believe is so wrong and utterly frustrating."

=======Hadith======
"Anas ibn Malik reported: A man said, “O Messenger of Allah, should I tie my camel and trust in Allah, or should I leave her untied and trust in Allah?” The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Tie her and trust in Allah.”

Source used: http://dailyhadith.abuaminaelias.com...orldly-causes/
=================

We as Muslims have to do whatever is in our power and ability that Allah has given us and what is outside, that is what is outside our control. So your father giving you the "lecture"...say "ALHAMDULILLAH", that you have such a father. I know we always tend to look from our own perspective, but we have to look from Allah's perspective. There are fathers that don't care with whom their daughter hangs out with..there are fathers that don't even care what their daughter does. There are fathers that are even ashamed of having a daughter as it is a "disgrace" to the "family honor".

Allah in the Qur'an MANY..MANY..MANY times repeats things over and over and over again. The question is WHY? I mean i know the story of for example Adam(as)..how come Allah yet again repeats it in a later surah? There is wisdom in it. We tend to forget things very easily. So instead of seeing as tiring..rather be thankful that your father yet again repeats the things you already know.

There are many sisters that age of yours who are being reeled in by loverboys or even introduced to loverboys by their own friends. Your father is a human being that has SEEN most probably some sick stuff in his life.

What your father is doing is not "preventing" you mentally to develop, rather he is again and again creating the boundaries where you mentally can develop.

So in other words this Allah also has done for us. Allah has told us NO alcohol..NO drugs..NO killing..NO marrying certain types of people..NO eating pork..NO speaking filthy words..etc. etc.

These "no's" are boundaries that Allah has given us and within those boundaries we can do whatever we want. We can drink tea, fruit juices, water, coffee and other kind of beverages..we can use all kind of herbs to eat. We can marry our cousin, the boy/girl next door (with certain rulings off course)..the boy/girl in the neighboring country of on the other side of the world. We can eat fish, beef, lam, goat, chicken, turkey, birds..

So with you instead of getting annoyed by it..listen to your dad..respect him and love him for his care. There are parents that TRY TO FORCE people to worship sticks and stones..be very grateful your dad is the one that is worshiping his and your Rab and teaching you to do the same. There are even children who have never had a dad or died a long time ago before they could have spent some time with him. Just imagine that your dad would go back to Allah tomorrow..how much would you miss him or even wanting to listen to him lecturing you.

Please try to re-read this comment and if you are confused about something..do ask for clarification.

[AbdurRahman.]

:sl:

so your dad lets you go out but after a lecture????; if thats him, than you have to learn to live with that sis; it' aint that bad as some dads dont let their daughter go out at all!

be patient when he lectures; he does it for your own good [presumably he talks about safety and not talking to strangers etc]; just a few more years of that until your married right??; so consider it a test from Allah to be pateint and to 'make allowance for your dad', i.e, let him feel the boss, the righteous one etc and let him have his way and you be patient

now i'm sure you know Quran and hadith enjoins on us patience and to obey your parents and not to make them unhappy; also there is a verse that says:

Make allowances for people, command what is right, and turn away from the ignorant. (Surat Al-A‘raf, 199)

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[luvhanna]

:salam:

I know I might not be of much help at all, if any. But I am 100% sure that he loves you, and he loves his family, and your siblings. He is afraid that you get drugged or maybe a boyfriend, etc. Try to answer his worries. Because I am sure there are things that are worrying him.

Because of this worrying he might become overprotective. It is natural. Try to communicate to him his worries.

And Allah :swt: knows best.

May allah reward you, thank you very much.

[luvhanna]

:sl:

so your dad lets you go out but after a lecture????; if thats him, than you have to learn to live with that sis; it' aint that bad as some dads dont let their daughter go out at all!

be patient when he lectures; he does it for your own good [presumably he talks about safety and not talking to strangers etc]; just a few more years of that until your married right??; so consider it a test from Allah to be pateint and to 'make allowance for your dad', i.e, let him feel the boss, the righteous one etc and let him have his way and you be patient

now i'm sure you know Quran and hadith enjoins on us patience and to obey your parents and not to make them unhappy; also there is a verse that says:

Make allowances for people, command what is right, and turn away from the ignorant. (Surat Al-A‘raf, 199)

Thank you very much may allah protect you and answer all duaa's

[luvhanna]

:sl:

so your dad lets you go out but after a lecture????; if thats him, than you have to learn to live with that sis; it' aint that bad as some dads dont let their daughter go out at all!

be patient when he lectures; he does it for your own good [presumably he talks about safety and not talking to strangers etc]; just a few more years of that until your married right??; so consider it a test from Allah to be pateint and to 'make allowance for your dad', i.e, let him feel the boss, the righteous one etc and let him have his way and you be patient

now i'm sure you know Quran and hadith enjoins on us patience and to obey your parents and not to make them unhappy; also there is a verse that says:

Make allowances for people, command what is right, and turn away from the ignorant. (Surat Al-A‘raf, 199)

I appreciate your advice so much. I feel much more at ease after reading your reply may allah reward you!

[luvhanna]

As-salamu alaikum wa rathmatullah,

Welcome to the forum.

Sister, you first have to find the right perspective to conclude the situation you are in. Let me "lecture"... :D

You said "As a Muslim I believe everything is in the hands of god, only god can control what happens to us and for my "religious" dad whose contantly preaching the religion to try and control everything I believe is so wrong and utterly frustrating."

=======Hadith======
"Anas ibn Malik reported: A man said, “O Messenger of Allah, should I tie my camel and trust in Allah, or should I leave her untied and trust in Allah?” The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Tie her and trust in Allah.”

Source used: http://dailyhadith.abuaminaelias.com...orldly-causes/
=================

We as Muslims have to do whatever is in our power and ability that Allah has given us and what is outside, that is what is outside our control. So your father giving you the "lecture"...say "ALHAMDULILLAH", that you have such a father. I know we always tend to look from our own perspective, but we have to look from Allah's perspective. There are fathers that don't care with whom their daughter hangs out with..there are fathers that don't even care what their daughter does. There are fathers that are even ashamed of having a daughter as it is a "disgrace" to the "family honor".

Allah in the Qur'an MANY..MANY..MANY times repeats things over and over and over again. The question is WHY? I mean i know the story of for example Adam(as)..how come Allah yet again repeats it in a later surah? There is wisdom in it. We tend to forget things very easily. So instead of seeing as tiring..rather be thankful that your father yet again repeats the things you already know.

There are many sisters that age of yours who are being reeled in by loverboys or even introduced to loverboys by their own friends. Your father is a human being that has SEEN most probably some sick stuff in his life.

What your father is doing is not "preventing" you mentally to develop, rather he is again and again creating the boundaries where you mentally can develop.

So in other words this Allah also has done for us. Allah has told us NO alcohol..NO drugs..NO killing..NO marrying certain types of people..NO eating pork..NO speaking filthy words..etc. etc.

These "no's" are boundaries that Allah has given us and within those boundaries we can do whatever we want. We can drink tea, fruit juices, water, coffee and other kind of beverages..we can use all kind of herbs to eat. We can marry our cousin, the boy/girl next door (with certain rulings off course)..the boy/girl in the neighboring country of on the other side of the world. We can eat fish, beef, lam, goat, chicken, turkey, birds..

So with you instead of getting annoyed by it..listen to your dad..respect him and love him for his care. There are parents that TRY TO FORCE people to worship sticks and stones..be very grateful your dad is the one that is worshiping his and your Rab and teaching you to do the same. There are even children who have never had a dad or died a long time ago before they could have spent some time with him. Just imagine that your dad would go back to Allah tomorrow..how much would you miss him or even wanting to listen to him lecturing you.

Please try to re-read this comment and if you are confused about something..do ask for clarification.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS REPLY!!!! wallah I feel so much better. I guess I'm going to have to be more patient and always ask for allahs help and guidance I strongly believe this is a test from allah. Please pray it becomes easier for me however.
May allah always answer your prayers and grant your wishes amen.

[AbdurRahman.]

I appreciate your advice so much. I feel much more at ease after reading your reply may allah reward you!

:jz: for your duas sister! :)

[xboxisdead]

Basically I'm a Muslim girl 17 years of age (18 next month) but anyway I live with my parents and 5 siblings one more on the way. Lately I've been extremely frustrated at my dad because he's way overprotective I know it's out of love and care but honestly I feel trapped in this house. I've always obeyed my dad and have been the best daughter, he is religious and uses that as a way to belittle me and manipulate me whenever I want to do the smallest things. When I wanna go out with friends etc he first has to lecture before saying yes, he does the same thing to my siblings but I feel like it's don't affects them as much maybe because they are younger but I know they will be sooner or later. My father lectures everyone in the household constantly including my mom, he acts as if he's always right, he says we must ask him for permission on everything because "that's what families should do" he's constantly wanting to perfect everything and make sure nothing goes wrong he says the outside world is too dangerous which is true but you can't control us and want us to stay indoors (he lets us go out but after a lecture which is so frustrating I might aswell stay home). As a Muslim I believe everything is in the hands of god, only god can control what happens to us and for my "religious" dad whose contantly preaching the religion to try and control everything I believe is so wrong and utterly frustrating.
My dad recently had a brain surgery and I feel like he's just become worse ever since then like he had this anxiety that something may happen to us so he feels it's best for him to control and overprotect. I feel like I can't grow to the adult I want to be especially since I'm starting uni soon.
I have no idea how to deal with this honestly. I know Islam teaches us to obey our parents and I always do that but it's so hard in this day and age when you just wanna grow and explore and find out who you are. I feel like my mental health is getting bad recently because of this I know I should just be patient but I have for so long and idk if I can anymore, I've battled so hard with myself to become mentally strong and I think it worked for a bit but now I feel as if it's going down the drain.
Any word of advice, Quranic quotes and hadeeth to help me in this situation would be appreciated immensely.
Thank you.

You are aware sister that fatherhood is an endangered specie, right? I am born without a father since my father died when I was a little baby. Died of a heart attack when he was 34 years old. Now I am 38 year old myself. He died young. He never had an easy life, not even when he was 8 year old boy he struggled and lost his childhood and had to take care of his brothers at this young age. And he had a mother you would not want yourself, but he was a superb son, respected his mother and excellent religious character. Died right after Hajj. Left this world with clean slate. But for me I was raised by mother and grandmother, no father figure, no male influence, not knowing what it is like having a dad or a man around, don't know nothing about what it is like being a man. So you have a father that cares. That is rare. You are aware if I had a wife and children and they both united against me I would say F you all, I would pack my bag, leave not even look twice at them..pretend and easily mind you, never got married or had children and just from somewhere on Earth provide them financial means and that's that. Not to cut ties completely, I can easily just say hi to them ones a year and live happily ever after. Mind you, men like me are dozen and lots. Men like your dad is far few and between. Have you read in the 1st few posts how fatherhood will disappear. I will not be shocked that society and the human mind will eliminate fatherhood from their gene pole and believe it is naturally everyone raised by mothers alone, no such thing as fatherhood or fathers. Sister, you wait and see. We will live like animals. We will procreate like animals and majority of the world will be raised by mothers alone. We will consider in the future marriage, mother and father unnatural and wrong and we will consider having sex outside of marriage and children born by mothers alone and raised by mothers alone natural and we will compare ourselves to animals like horses, donkeys, pigs, cows, monkeys, apes, gorillas. But one thing we all forget if we wish to play this role we have to play it maximum and not pick from column A and column B. You see in the animal kingdom the male donkey, zebra, monkey, etc kill the baby of the mother so he can spread his gene. If we want to play this role then as a male we should be able to kill children so we can spread our gene...if that is the game we want to play. We will live a world of barbarism and chaos.

OR

We return back to path of Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) and raise ourselves from the dark ages and back to the true path. Really it is only one or the other.

[Misbah-Abd]

You are aware sister that fatherhood is an endangered specie, right? I am born without a father since my father died when I was a little baby. Died of a heart attack when he was 34 years old. Now I am 38 year old myself. He died young. He never had an easy life, not even when he was 8 year old boy he struggled and lost his childhood and had to take care of his brothers at this young age. And he had a mother you would not want yourself, but he was a superb son, respected his mother and excellent religious character. Died right after Hajj. Left this world with clean slate. But for me I was raised by mother and grandmother, no father figure, no male influence, not knowing what it is like having a dad or a man around, don't know nothing about what it is like being a man. So you have a father that cares. That is rare. You are aware if I had a wife and children and they both united against me I would say F you all, I would pack my bag, leave not even look twice at them..pretend and easily mind you, never got married or had children and just from somewhere on Earth provide them financial means and that's that. Not to cut ties completely, I can easily just say hi to them ones a year and live happily ever after. Mind you, men like me are dozen and lots. Men like your dad is far few and between. Have you read in the 1st few posts how fatherhood will disappear. I will not be shocked that society and the human mind will eliminate fatherhood from their gene pole and believe it is naturally everyone raised by mothers alone, no such thing as fatherhood or fathers. Sister, you wait and see. We will live like animals. We will procreate like animals and majority of the world will be raised by mothers alone. We will consider in the future marriage, mother and father unnatural and wrong and we will consider having sex outside of marriage and children born by mothers alone and raised by mothers alone natural and we will compare ourselves to animals like horses, donkeys, pigs, cows, monkeys, apes, gorillas. But one thing we all forget if we wish to play this role we have to play it maximum and not pick from column A and column B. You see in the animal kingdom the male donkey, zebra, monkey, etc kill the baby of the mother so he can spread his gene. If we want to play this role then as a male we should be able to kill children so we can spread our gene...if that is the game we want to play. We will live a world of barbarism and chaos.

OR

We return back to path of Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) and raise ourselves from the dark ages and back to the true path. Really it is only one or the other.

You do know that the original post was back in June of last year, right?

[Umm Malik]

All the good parent like that ... because of them love ...lets change the roles sister ... if you where your father and you have a lovely daughter would you let her go and outside without reminders ??
I think your father is very understandable than many fathers because he try to remind you and let you free
So you should take this as messages from allah every time to protect yourself from the temptations around us
And you know head surgery can let the person think more and sometime focusing more in his fairs so let him rest by saying thank you dad or okay dad may allah reward you ... things like this letting him know that my daughter understand and protected inshallah
And be happy having a dad like that .
May allah make it easy for you and protect your family and gether all of us in jannah
Ameen!