Need engagement advice

Hi all, I'm new to this community so excuse me if i'm breaking any posting rules.

The reason for why I started this thread is because I have quite a big problem whenever I have a first meeting with potential fiancees. It's all hunkey dorey until the inevitable question of occupation arises, what is your job? My problem lies in the fact that I don't have a job because of years of trading and investing. I have made a lifetimes salary in my early twenties so I don't see the need to work. You may be wondering where the problem lies, well as soon as the question of jobs is asked and i give my answer of either; I don't have one/ I'm an investor/ I'm retired, the next logical question for them to ask is, so how much do you make (per year)? This answer usually corrupts their opinion of me into a massively favourable light and skews the rest of the pre-marital 'courtship'. I'm a humble guy and so this is alien to me. I always heard that money had this effect on people but i'd rather be on an equal playing field and be judged based on who I am and the compatibility between the girl I'm interested in.

So my question is, would it be okay to lie and say i have a normal job? I am a university graduate so it isn't completely implausible to have a reasonably high paying job. should i try to dance around the question? should I ask the family to go through the whole the pre-engagement spiel and ask about occupation as the last question?

Help pls. I've lost too much already

temp123 said:

I have made a lifetimes salary in my early twenties so I don't see the need to work.

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As a businessman I know that if someone want to have 'lifetimes salary without working' like this he has to have big shares in a strong-stable company.

My question, from where you got capital to have the shares in that company?. From you dad?.

I am a bitcoin investor (early adopter) and so I didn't need massive amounts of capital. Just needed weekend job savings and watch that baby climb.

salaam

Tell her the truth - If your going to get married then truth is a good place to start and to stay on after marriage.

peace.

salaam brother,

The problem is that the truth will lead to an illegitimate attraction between the girl (and her family) and me. I'm not in the game of marriage to woo just some girl into betrothal, instead i'd rather get to know the person im going to be committing to for the rest of my life. If i wanted that kind of attention i would roll around in a fancy car and wear designer fashion labels but instead im trying to actually get to know this person. You also have to remember that this is a two way game, I need to know if im right for them and in order to do this they need to act like them selves instead of a person they think i want (It's actually funny (but depressing) to see the difference in the family, the girl in question and their house from the first meeting to the second) and they usually get it wrong anyways.

I don't have a problem telling the truth, they have a problem handling the truth - It turns into the MASSIVE elephant in the room

Wa alaykum salaam,

Unfortunately in this day and age there are so many westernized muslims that are attracted to the duniya and all things materialistic.
You need to find a sister upon the sunnah and the haqq who's goal is the akhirah and not this temporary life.
I am currently divorced and In the process of getting remarried (if Allah set wills) so I know how hard it is to find a good spouse.

My suggestion is to try and find a sister via the masjid and keep your questions aimed mainly towards Deen and keep it clear that this is what you want In a spouse and make clear your expectations.

I wouldn't say lie about your money but if asked about work just say you are in investment or trading - because you were so it isn't deceit. Do not discuss how much money you have, this doesn't need to be discussed just say you have enough to support your wife for house living etc.

In shaa Allah may Allah swt bring you a pious wife and make this process easy for you. Ameen.

*Allah swt

Assalamu Alaikum [MENTION=41474]temp123[/MENTION]

I kinda see it in two different perspectives here. The first is that it would be concerning if the first impression I had of you as a potential wife is that I'd be marrying someone who does not work. You'd be asking me to trust your word in regards to having made "enough" to financially support us potentially for the rest of our lives together. If you are indeed that successful, then it would probably be best not to bring it up in the beginning of or even the first conversation. Sharing with someone that you're an investor is kinda a red flag too because it doesn't connote that you'll always be making money. It may instead make it seem like you're into taking risks with your money.

The second perspective is the one where I can see your side of things in regards to finding a spouse who wants to marry you for you and not for financial gain/materialism. To be honest, most women these days are materialistic, but that doesn't mean there aren't any good women out there who aren't. There are also women who just feel secure knowing that their husband is on his grind and working hard to support the family even if he's not making enough. The attractiveness is not about how much you make but rather that you are putting in the effort to make something.

With all of that being said, before you answer any questions about how much you make or what you do as a living, I believe that when you meet these women, you should have a deeper conversation about the type of lifestyle they expect to be living when they are married. You should also ask them about their expectations of you as a husband to get an idea of the type of man they want. You could also ask them about how they would deal with financial distress or having to work if something came up like you got ill or whatever, and in contrast how they would feel towards the husband if he was very wealthy but didn't work. At the very least, these types of "hypothetical" questions will let you know if this is the type of woman you want regardless of how much money you have. I think when you can get a feel for what the woman's ideals, expectations, beliefs are, then you wouldn't have much of an issue letting her know how much you make or what you do, or at the very least you will understand whether they are materialistic, just prefer a working man, or who don't care as long as they are taken care of.

Assalamualaykum sisters,
[MENTION=41356]habiba2017[/MENTION] you make a valid point about lying not being an option which is the mindset i'm also currently in. building a relationship on distrust cant end well. I fear the masjid may not be the best option for me as i come from an ethnic minority within the muslims in my country and the (possible but not 100%) requirements for me to be a certain ethnicity would leave me in the dark most of the time.

@charisma thank you for the alternative way of approaching the whole meeting situation. the male party usually gets grilled first under the watchful eye(& ears) of the parents but i may suggest that i ask the questions first which is the only way your suggestion would work out - I suppose asking the girl a bunch of questions and getting to know her would be easier if you met in a setting outside and conversed naturally but that is what im trying to avoid as things that start negatively cant end well.

Thanks again guys. I might just let this thread die out but rest assured that im leaving with a new lease on life which is thanks to the contributers. As you can probably tell this account isn't a real account hence the name temp123 - May Allah help us all find happiness in the dunya and the Akhirah, Ameen.

P.S. Money doesn't bring you happiness in the dunya, trust me, i know. Try to focus on your deen and don't let the imaan boost from ramadan die out cause once thats gone its much harder to get back.

temp123 said:

Hi all, I'm new to this community so excuse me if i'm breaking any posting rules.The reason for why I started this thread is because I have quite a big problem whenever I have a first meeting with potential fiancees. It's all hunkey dorey until the inevitable question of occupation arises, what is your job? My problem lies in the fact that I don't have a job because of years of trading and investing. I have made a lifetimes salary in my early twenties so I don't see the need to work. You may be wondering where the problem lies, well as soon as the question of jobs is asked and i give my answer of either; I don't have one/ I'm an investor/ I'm retired, the next logical question for them to ask is, so how much do you make (per year)? This answer usually corrupts their opinion of me into a massively favourable light and skews the rest of the pre-marital 'courtship'. I'm a humble guy and so this is alien to me. I always heard that money had this effect on people but i'd rather be on an equal playing field and be judged based on who I am and the compatibility between the girl I'm interested in.So my question is, would it be okay to lie and say i have a normal job? I am a university graduate so it isn't completely implausible to have a reasonably high paying job. should i try to dance around the question? should I ask the family to go through the whole the pre-engagement spiel and ask about occupation as the last question?Help pls. I've lost too much already

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why don't you do any Job or start a business. Instead of lying..?

temp123 said:

@charisma thank you for the alternative way of approaching the whole meeting situation. the male party usually gets grilled first under the watchful eye(& ears) of the parents but i may suggest that i ask the questions first which is the only way your suggestion would work out - I suppose asking the girl a bunch of questions and getting to know her would be easier if you met in a setting outside and conversed naturally but that is what im trying to avoid as things that start negatively cant end well.

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You can always ask to speak privately to the girl with her relative watching from a distance. Also I do want to say that how much you have or what make doesn't always mean that the person will say yes or will be a gold digger lol. I have had proposals from brothers who were in prestigious professions, or those who were wealthy, or those who were extremely handsome, and I still rejected them. The reality is, in the end we all take who is destined for us. So don't forget to make sincere du'a that Allah send you someone worthy of you and who will make you a better person! And please don't feel discouraged; I know it's really difficult to take those chances and put in the effort each and every time, but don't take it personally or let it break your spirits because it seems that you are doing it all in the right manner inshallah and Allah will reward you in the end for that May Allah ease your affairs ameen.

temp123 said:

Hi all, I'm new to this community so excuse me if i'm breaking any posting rules.

The reason for why I started this thread is because I have quite a big problem whenever I have a first meeting with potential fiancees. It's all hunkey dorey until the inevitable question of occupation arises, what is your job? My problem lies in the fact that I don't have a job because of years of trading and investing. I have made a lifetimes salary in my early twenties so I don't see the need to work. You may be wondering where the problem lies, well as soon as the question of jobs is asked and i give my answer of either; I don't have one/ I'm an investor/ I'm retired, the next logical question for them to ask is, so how much do you make (per year)? This answer usually corrupts their opinion of me into a massively favourable light and skews the rest of the pre-marital 'courtship'. I'm a humble guy and so this is alien to me. I always heard that money had this effect on people but i'd rather be on an equal playing field and be judged based on who I am and the compatibility between the girl I'm interested in.

So my question is, would it be okay to lie and say i have a normal job? I am a university graduate so it isn't completely implausible to have a reasonably high paying job. should i try to dance around the question? should I ask the family to go through the whole the pre-engagement spiel and ask about occupation as the last question?

Help pls. I've lost too much already

Click to expand...

Your situation is relevant to many of those who are looking for marriage and run into such situations. Firstly what I would say is regardless of how much wealth you have amassed then I don't think it should stop you from working completely. Maybe get a part time job or study something you have always wanted to do or become especially if it will benefit mankind in some way. Even if it means volunteering for a charity, working for the less privileged in your community etc. Just because Allah has given you wealth you should not allow this "comfort" to stop yo from doing that which will benefit others.

Also there is no guarantee in life with regards to one's financial situation. As you know wealth comes and goes and in a flash your amassed wealth can disappear. In that case if you haven't worked for a long time then you may find it difficult to get into a job because of having a blank CV and not being in the routine of work.

On top of that working naturally gives one respect because it is in a man's nature to work. So if you are going to get married then you want to have that natural respect from your partner, her family and yours as well as others. Also when your married then trust me you would want to work to have the excuse of getting out of the house sometimes! ;D

With regards to questions asked by a potential's family, then I can understand why they would ask you what your occupation is as it is natural that they want reassurance that you will give their daughter financial stability but I personally think asking that asking about the specifics of your salary is going too far. I would also say that you are within your rights to kindly decline having to answer such a question. What many parents do not understand is that happiness, contentment and happiness in a marriage is not in a big salary. In fact the more money many have the more problems, in many cases. Unless the wealth you have you are spending in the path of Allah night and day as per the Hadith for such a person it is permissible to envy them. Therefore spend in the way of Allah, build Islamic schools, water wells, an that which will be Sadaqa Jaariya (ongoing charity) for you. The other downfall of not working and earning is you may hesitate to spend in the path of Allah thinking you need your wealth to last you a lifetime.

With regards to what you can say to parents then there is no harm in saying you trade and invest and Alhamdulillah you are financially stable and leave i at that without having to go into the specifics. Ask of Allah to aide you in your search to find a good pious partner and good inlaws. Stand up in the latter part of the night for Tahajjud and continue praying this prayer for the rest of your life and you will find that it will bring you such peace, blessings, contentment and happiness in your marriage. This is the secret of happiness in a marriage. When both partners awaken together and pray in the latter part of the night and the kids grow up knowing their parents prayed Tahajjud and adopt the habit themselves. Subhanallah it is such a neglected prayer but one with the secret of success in this world and the next.

May Allah find you and others to find good pious partners and put peace, love, happiness, blessings and contentment into such marriages. Ameen