wife doesn't want children

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NewYorker1626

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Salaam. My wife (31 and I (34) have been married for 20 months. Prior to marriage we had agreed to wait a year before we start trying for a child. I found out on my wedding night my wife was on the pill. I asked my wife to come of the pill after 9 months so we could start trying on the 12 month and the pill would be out of her system. She refused, and came off the pill on the 13th month. So I said we'd wait for a few months to let the body remove the remains of the pill. After the 4 months had passed I brought up the discussion about trying and I was told that if my wife fell pregnant instantly that would mean she would give birth during Ramadan. She didn't want to put others out her family etc and she thinks people would be in a bad mood. Now we are finally trying and during the most fertile days my wife decides to stay with her own family and spend time with her friends and then comes home tired. I desperately want to start a family. My wife is well aware of this.

A little background on my wife. She had a lot of problems living with her fathers family. Her mum has been basically told to run around after children and her dads brothers. My wife lived in the household running around after her cousins. She said she despises children. She barely bonds with my nieces and nephews.

I love my wife to bits. Ive given her own house. she sees her family, friends and I want her to have a career. I have always put her first. I just really want children. Where do I stand? I always thought women would want children and grow the ummah. I really don't know what to do..... please help
 
Give her time, talk to her, have a frank discussion regarding children to see where she stands.
Also, what do you mean by: "Ive given her own house?" Are you guys living together or separately? I'm just asking because perhaps she doesn't feel secure in her marriage if she's spending more time away from you than with you.
 
Assalamu Alaikum

Not every woman wants children. However, if she led you to believe or even agreed to having a child at the time of marriage, then she should uphold those expectations. It is also better for her to have it now rather down the line when her eggs are more prone to defects and her body is more prone to miscarriages. I don't think it's fair to you that she is backing out after you married her. Although maybe you should continue to discuss it with her. Having your own children is not the same as taking care of someone else's. I understand her side of it, but it's still not fair for you.
 
NewYorker1626 said:
Salaam. My wife (31 and I (34) have been married for 20 months. Prior to marriage we had agreed to wait a year before we start trying for a child. I found out on my wedding night my wife was on the pill. I asked my wife to come of the pill after 9 months so we could start trying on the 12 month and the pill would be out of her system. She refused, and came off the pill on the 13th month. So I said we'd wait for a few months to let the body remove the remains of the pill. After the 4 months had passed I brought up the discussion about trying and I was told that if my wife fell pregnant instantly that would mean she would give birth during Ramadan. She didn't want to put others out her family etc and she thinks people would be in a bad mood. Now we are finally trying and during the most fertile days my wife decides to stay with her own family and spend time with her friends and then comes home tired. I desperately want to start a family. My wife is well aware of this.

A little background on my wife. She had a lot of problems living with her fathers family. Her mum has been basically told to run around after children and her dads brothers. My wife lived in the household running around after her cousins. She said she despises children. She barely bonds with my nieces and nephews.

I love my wife to bits. Ive given her own house. she sees her family, friends and I want her to have a career. I have always put her first. I just really want children. Where do I stand? I always thought women would want children and grow the ummah. I really don't know what to do..... please help
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Asalaamualaykum

I am sorry that you and your wife are undergoing this issue.

Whatever happens - Talaq is the last resort. Do not even consider that for now.

Being a woman is not synonymous to a baby machine. A woman is a prideful flower of creation and like a flower is gentle and sways with the wind. The hand that plucks a flower has to be gentle too.

Speak to her with gentleness and different times of the day and month. Woman don't only have chemical imbalances during the periods but can also have many other imbalances based on diet and changes of their physical environment. These changes can impair the judgement - Every human undergoes this.

Give her time yet be firm on it. She has already agreed to it before marriage ALTHOUGH that doesn't making it binding. We all have a change of heart from time to time and that change of heart is sometimes a knee jerk reaction to some other stimulus in our lives.

It is amazing most men think that wooing a woman suddenly becomes "instructions" after marriage.

Write her a love letter

Buy her flowers

Read a poem to her ......Bring the heavens down for her !!

Woo her into your love !!! She is a woman...Treat her like a REAL woman - she is not a Slave !!! You think because you tied the knot that suddenly your demands are the given ??? How sad.

You want that baby ......then treat her like the WOMAN and heavenly beauty that will deliver that baby.

If you not prepared to do that - buy yourself a doll and pretend.
 
Karl said:
The whole point of marriage is to reproduce. She may be close to menopause. He has a case for divorce if she does not want to have children. Your liberal lefty sentiments are very un Islamic.
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Karl...Asalaamualaykum.

You obviously haven't given much thought before or whilst typing that. You accused me of un Islamic sentiments.

If the sole or as you phrased it, "whole point" of marriage was just reproducing - then the marriages of Rasool SAW to all the wives other than Khadijah RA would be put to question as none of them had children from him. Furthermore, the most beloved wife of Rasool SAW , Hz Aisha RA was barren according to Scholars.

So from a person who accused me of in Islamic sentiments - you have now effectively embarrassed every marriage of Rasool SAW (besides Khadijah RA).

Going even further into your "intelligence" regarding this issue - You have not only embarrassed that, but have now insinuated that the wives of Rasool SAW deserved to be divorced or served no purpose.

The fact that i have told the person Talaq is the last option is an option nevertheless. I have tended to the first avenue of the possible Solutions.

Remind me again who had un Islamic sentiments here....
 
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*charisma* said:
Although maybe you should continue to discuss it with her.
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This is it. It might be that now it’s come to it, there’s an element of fear as to what she’s going to have to go through, but she doesn’t feel that anyone would understand or is too embarrassed. Hence the avoidance. It does happen among women, especially if they’ve heard of other women’s bad experiences. But talking to her in a caring way, and continuing to do so, is the key. Along with dua. May Allah make it easy for you both and grant you pious healthy children who will be the comfort of your eyes and beacons for the ummah, ameen.
 
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Unlike men, a good romantic experience is necessary for a lot of women so try, and do something romantic like bringing her flowers etc... and inshallah she will come to you.
 
The question I want to know the answer to is:

Is contraception allowed in Islam?

I strongly suspect the answer is NO.

peace
 
Scimitar said:
The question I want to know the answer to is:

Is contraception allowed in Islam?

I strongly suspect the answer is NO.

peace
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Actually im pretty sure contraception is allowed, (not tryna argue here or anything, lol) however i think it depends on the method, without getting into detail, im not sure if the pill is allowed since it affects your hormones but i think other methods are allowed
 
NewYorker1626 said:
Salaam. My wife (31 and I (34) have been married for 20 months. Prior to marriage we had agreed to wait a year before we start trying for a child. I found out on my wedding night my wife was on the pill. I asked my wife to come of the pill after 9 months so we could start trying on the 12 month and the pill would be out of her system. She refused, and came off the pill on the 13th month. So I said we'd wait for a few months to let the body remove the remains of the pill. After the 4 months had passed I brought up the discussion about trying and I was told that if my wife fell pregnant instantly that would mean she would give birth during Ramadan. She didn't want to put others out her family etc and she thinks people would be in a bad mood. Now we are finally trying and during the most fertile days my wife decides to stay with her own family and spend time with her friends and then comes home tired. I desperately want to start a family. My wife is well aware of this.

A little background on my wife. She had a lot of problems living with her fathers family. Her mum has been basically told to run around after children and her dads brothers. My wife lived in the household running around after her cousins. She said she despises children. She barely bonds with my nieces and nephews.

I love my wife to bits. Ive given her own house. she sees her family, friends and I want her to have a career. I have always put her first. I just really want children. Where do I stand? I always thought women would want children and grow the ummah. I really don't know what to do..... please help
Click to expand...
Wa alykum a salam akhi, like all the other posters said: speak to her, find out where shes coming from and why she's feeling hesitant to have children etc. Maybe you just need to give it a bit more time? Eg maybe she's not ready at the moment. Like another user said: please consider divorce as the last option, it has trememdous effects/consquences. Maybe she just wants to spend more time together as a couple, but without the child yet- i mean, children are cute, and they are blessings from Allah, yet once theyre born it can be difficult to spend time together( i wouldnt know personally but thats my opinion, lol). Anyway, i hope you sort all this out inshallah!
 
Supernova said:
Asalaamualaykum

I am sorry that you and your wife are undergoing this issue.

Whatever happens - Talaq is the last resort. Do not even consider that for now.

Being a woman is not synonymous to a baby machine. A woman is a prideful flower of creation and like a flower is gentle and sways with the wind. The hand that plucks a flower has to be gentle too.

Speak to her with gentleness and different times of the day and month. Woman don't only have chemical imbalances during the periods but can also have many other imbalances based on diet and changes of their physical environment. These changes can impair the judgement - Every human undergoes this.

Give her time yet be firm on it. She has already agreed to it before marriage ALTHOUGH that doesn't making it binding. We all have a change of heart from time to time and that change of heart is sometimes a knee jerk reaction to some other stimulus in our lives.

It is amazing most men think that wooing a woman suddenly becomes "instructions" after marriage.

Write her a love letter

Buy her flowers

Read a poem to her ......Bring the heavens down for her !!

Woo her into your love !!! She is a woman...Treat her like a REAL woman - she is not a Slave !!! You think because you tied the knot that suddenly your demands are the given ??? How sad.

You want that baby ......then treat her like the WOMAN and heavenly beauty that will deliver that baby.

If you not prepared to do that - buy yourself a doll and pretend.
Click to expand...
"buy yourself a doll and pretend" ahahahah, that's funny brother
 
Family planning IS allowed. How a couple chooses to do that is up to them. I would never suggest contraceptives, but family planning yes. :)

As for the wife not wanting to get pregnant, you have to understand that its alot of responsibility on the woman and it takes a MASSIVE toll on her body. If you have reassured her you won't be dumping all of the responsibility on her and you are up for changing nappies and losing a ton of sleep then its only a matter of time.

She is supposed to ask your permission to leave your house anyway, so why are you allowing her to leave your bed on her most fertile days? Play it smart lol. She probably has some anxiety as well so just back off and let her come around. I'm quite certain she will :)
 

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