Joining cultures in marriage

Asalamu-Alaikum

I am a revert a white British sister who would like to marry a British Pakistani.. BUT
I haven’t met the in laws yet his already told me it’s going to be hard anyway taking me home but says that his mum is going to be heart broken that I am not Pakistani that she will feel like she could not relate to me.
I can’t cook Asian food I can’t speak Urdu

i am nervous to me them I’m worried about what to expect are they going to tear me apart when they meet me
i pray inshallah that all goes well
his has told me so much about his parents And allhamdulillah he is very blessed to have them as my family situation is very different I was brought up in a non religious house hold and it will be a very big culture shock for all of us and he wants to live at home

what do I do?
whats can I expect from meeting them when I do?

Need a lot off advice this is a very big decision
I pray it works out he is a wonderful man who has a wonderful family I wish things work put the way we both would like them to inshallah

jazakallah

Sister Aya

its a good step hes introducing you to his family. It depends on how his family is like but they shouldn't say anything crazy. If they agreed to meet and go ahead then that is a good sign.

His brother who has said also his parents are not going to take it very well has agreed to meet me so far so that’s a good step

im very worried about moving in to his house it going to be a very big shock for all of us but I’ll be the only one in the house that doesn’t ‘fit’ in
How do I deal with this?

its a Pakistani cultural practice to live with the parents. You'll have to see and decide with your future husband if your comfortable with it. It all depends on the people.

:bism: (In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

(Peace be upon you)

Like Brother Zafran said, the fact that he's introducing you to his family is a great step in the right direction.

That said, I wanted to ask you though if it is a deal-breaker if you don't want to live with his family? I don't see South Asian families here in the U.S. usually asking or expecting any daughter-in-laws or wives to live with the in-laws. So, I find your potential's desire an odd expectation to have, and therefore I'd ask that you see if he's willing to reconsider.

If separate accommodation is not feasible in his current financial or familial situation, then I suppose you yourself have to decide if you feel this is something with which are willing to live, something brother Zafran also mentioned. Also, ask him if he's willing to at least create a separate kitchen and bathroom in the house for marital privacy purposes (if living separately is out of the question) because I think that will be better in terms of dealing with less stressors in a new marriage.

Islam gives each mature woman and mature man the right to choose one's own spouse. So, while I can understand the reservation of his family and especially his mother, I hope they InshaAllah (God-willing) recognize that it is their son who is pursuing this course of action of his own free will. Because it will never be right that they take out any residual frustration or resentment of his making a choice in whom he wants to marry out on you as a person. So, when you do meet his family, please do not be afraid to set boundaries and assert yourself while maintaining a respectful tone in your interaction with them. The worst thing you can do in such a situation is to present yourself as a weak person who's willing to be walked upon as a doormat, as it won't be setting healthy behavioral patterns or expectations for the future. Humility is not equivalent to spinelessness; the former is a great quality and the latter is undesirable as bullies and abusers are then magnetically attracted to the person displaying such.

The language barrier will be one of the worst aspects because you might feel excluded many times in conversations if they're not all also speaking in English; when a person knows another language and is conversing with another who knows the same, it is easy to get carried away and not realize that you're inadvertently excluding the other person. Have you thought about trying to learn Urdu? Because maybe you should consider doing so, especially if you easily pick up languages, as it mirrors Arabic in some ways and can be a point of finding common ground in the household. Learning a new language will take time and effort, but if you can expend both, it might be worth your while. There are Pakistani television dramas with English subtitles available that you can even watch on YouTube that might help you with learning some of the language and picking up on cultural mores. This is completely your choice though and only one outlet for fluid immersion in their household and humdrum of their lives.

If this marriage goes through, I expect that you'll have to, at least out of formality and respect, spend some time (like maybe an hour) perhaps in their company and the rest of the time you can find activities that keep you busy which can include anything from decorating your own bedroom to make it your sanctuary or watching Islamic lectures (or other things in that vein which make you feel at peace and contented).

With regard to his family, I expect that at first they might be stiff and formal with you, because they don't know you and might not know what to expect of you, just as you will not know what to expect of them. But I wouldn't try too hard to force a familiarity and bond that starts to exist in any relationship over time. Instead, I'd ask you to be your most authentic self and in that vein and with self-confidence try to participate in activities that will help both you and them feel like you're a willing and welcome member of their family. Maybe you can ask your mother-in-law, for example, to teach you how to cook a specific Pakistani dish like biryani as you said you don't know how to cook any Asian dishes? Maybe you can discuss with your father-in-law politics when he's either reading the newspaper or watching the news. The truth is that "fitting in" is less about you versus them and more about all sides learning and adjusting and compromising and moving forward in a healthier, positive manner for a mutually beneficial outcome, that is, peace and contentment in the household.

:wa: (And peace be upon you)

ayahassan said:

His brother who has said also his parents are not going to take it very well has agreed to meet me so far so that’s a good step

im very worried about moving in to his house it going to be a very big shock for all of us but I’ll be the only one in the house that doesn’t ‘fit’ in
How do I deal with this?

Click to expand...

Search said:

That said, I wanted to ask you though if it is a deal-breaker if you don't want to live with his family? I don't see South Asian families here in the U.S. usually asking or expecting any daughter-in-laws or wives to live with the in-laws. So, I find your potential's desire an odd expectation to have, and therefore I'd ask that you see if he's willing to reconsider.

Click to expand...

The US Pakistani culture and UK Pakistani culture must be different - its pretty common in the UK - especially newly married and after a time they move out unless its the only son. Its also common if the daughter gets married from Pakistan - then they usually live in the daughters family house until they are ready to move out.