PDA

View Full Version : Iman levels extremely low - mum and daughter feud - MARRIAGE RIGHTS



cupcakes
06-08-2018, 03:18 AM
Salams,

Recently my mum has been on bad terms with me because of a guy who has proposed to me - I am interested in him and she just doesn't like him because he comes across as 'dry'. I don't think it's fair that she tells me to choose between him and her and that religiously I'm disobeying her by wanting to get to know him more.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never get married - I don't even go anywhere or see anyone. And every time someone shows interest and comes to my place, there is so much fear and paranoia. 'He will leave you and divorce you and you'll be left with kids' .. 'you'll come back to us crying'.

Islamically don't I have any rights to choose who I want to marry?? Everything I do is in the halal way with parent involvement I just don't get it. I think it's so unfair. And their treatment (parents) is putting me off fasting, praying etc. I just feel like I'm on the verge of rebelling. And I know some people might attack me for saying that but I just feel like I'm under so much pressure. Like no matter what I do they never see the good - it's always 'oh you're desperate for marriage'. I mean how is that even desperate???? YES I do want to get married - where's the issue?? And no I'm not rushing. And now mums like well if you choose him goodluck because you won't be allowed to come to my house and he won't be allowed to come over to our house.

How is that fair... WALLAHI I always respect my parents and they know what type of daughter I am - modest, don't mix, so open and honest with them, hard working and always trying to make them happy.

When they know he wants to come over I get lectured - 'oof does he really have to come now'... etc. Like seriously... It makes me just want to give up and meet him elsewhere. I just feel like they're putting me under so much pressure ... I'm hating life right now and I really wanted to use the last 10 days of ramadan wisely. But how can I.. they don't even take me seriously because I'm the youngest child ... (24 yo)...
Reply

Login/Register to hide ads. Scroll down for more posts
xboxisdead
06-08-2018, 05:09 AM
Originally Posted by cupcakes
Salams,

Recently my mum has been on bad terms with me because of a guy who has proposed to me - I am interested in him and she just doesn't like him because he comes across as 'dry'. I don't think it's fair that she tells me to choose between him and her and that religiously I'm disobeying her by wanting to get to know him more.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never get married - I don't even go anywhere or see anyone. And every time someone shows interest and comes to my place, there is so much fear and paranoia. 'He will leave you and divorce you and you'll be left with kids' .. 'you'll come back to us crying'.

Islamically don't I have any rights to choose who I want to marry?? Everything I do is in the halal way with parent involvement I just don't get it. I think it's so unfair. And their treatment (parents) is putting me off fasting, praying etc. I just feel like I'm on the verge of rebelling. And I know some people might attack me for saying that but I just feel like I'm under so much pressure. Like no matter what I do they never see the good - it's always 'oh you're desperate for marriage'. I mean how is that even desperate???? YES I do want to get married - where's the issue?? And no I'm not rushing. And now mums like well if you choose him goodluck because you won't be allowed to come to my house and he won't be allowed to come over to our house.

How is that fair... WALLAHI I always respect my parents and they know what type of daughter I am - modest, don't mix, so open and honest with them, hard working and always trying to make them happy.

When they know he wants to come over I get lectured - 'oof does he really have to come now'... etc. Like seriously... It makes me just want to give up and meet him elsewhere. I just feel like they're putting me under so much pressure ... I'm hating life right now and I really wanted to use the last 10 days of ramadan wisely. But how can I.. they don't even take me seriously because I'm the youngest child ... (24 yo)...
Exercise patience sister. Make Dua'a to Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) that he will make it easy for you that you get married. Also tell your parents that if you live in Western word and he divorces you, that you can take half or more of his wealth and prevent him access from seeing his children. This way you can assure your parents that no man want to really leave you alone because he will be losing everything, use that to win an argument about him divorcing you and leaving you with the kid(s). ;D Also tell your parents that they need to have faith in Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) that you will find a good man, who will love you and treat you well and who is censer in forming a family.

By the way, what you are facing with your family hundreds if not thousands of families are going through the exact same scenario you are going through. I know I have this with my mom. She always tell me, I am not ready. I need to grow up. I am 39 years old and so on. But in my case, I do not want to get married so whatever my mom tells me to convince me not get married..it is easy for me to accept it.
Reply

azc
06-08-2018, 05:59 AM
:wa:

Why does your mother dislike this guy?

Has she seen any other guy for you..?

And yes, parents are always your well wisher.
Reply

cupcakes
06-08-2018, 06:18 AM
Originally Posted by azc
:wa:

Why does your mother dislike this guy?

Has she seen any other guy for you..?

And yes, parents are always your well wisher.
I feel like my mum always compares him to my ex - who was charming (literally) very good looking and energetic. When I try telling her it's not all about the looks and remind her of how he TREATED me (terribly - dishonest and not religious) she seems to brush it off with 'at least he knew how to put a smile on your face' etc.

I mean this guy isn't your typical fun/energetic or remotely exciting type of guy.. he comes across as dry but I feel he has a good heart - very caring, understanding, honest and religious ... but I think my parents are put off by his character - I have to admit he is kinda boring in that way... but I'm trying to look at the bigger picture because I know nobody is perfect
Reply

Welcome, Guest!
Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up
xboxisdead
06-08-2018, 06:47 AM
Originally Posted by cupcakes
I feel like my mum always compares him to my ex - who was charming (literally) very good looking and energetic. When I try telling her it's not all about the looks and remind her of how he TREATED me (terribly - dishonest and not religious) she seems to brush it off with 'at least he knew how to put a smile on your face' etc.

I mean this guy isn't your typical fun/energetic or remotely exciting type of guy.. he comes across as dry but I feel he has a good heart - very caring, understanding, honest and religious ... but I think my parents are put off by his character - I have to admit he is kinda boring in that way... but I'm trying to look at the bigger picture because I know nobody is perfect
Honestly, have you told your parents that it is you who will be marrying him and not them. You are the one who is going to be living with this guy 24/7 and not them and if he makes you happy that your parents should support you. You are aware it is your right alone and exclusively alone to pick the man you want to get married too.
Reply

azc
06-08-2018, 07:35 AM
Originally Posted by cupcakes
I feel like my mum always compares him to my ex - who was charming (literally) very good looking and energetic. When I try telling her it's not all about the looks and remind her of how he TREATED me (terribly - dishonest and not religious) she seems to brush it off with 'at least he knew how to put a smile on your face' etc.

I mean this guy isn't your typical fun/energetic or remotely exciting type of guy.. he comes across as dry but I feel he has a good heart - very caring, understanding, honest and religious ... but I think my parents are put off by his character - I have to admit he is kinda boring in that way... but I'm trying to look at the bigger picture because I know nobody is perfect
You should see other guys as well before choosing someone for marriage.
Reply

ardianto
06-08-2018, 04:51 PM
Assalamualaikum.

Long time ago when I was young but started thinking about getting married, I met a girl. We liked each other, and felt matched. However, her mother didn't approve me, and told her many bad things about me. Even her mother tried to match her with another guy. That girl almost gave up and followed what her mother want. But I didn't. So I came to that girl's mother and told her that I serious intended to marry her daughter. She rejected me. But I still not gave up and tried to negotiate again until finally that girl's mother approved me.

Then?. ... Hmm, ... no, no, that girl was not the girl who then became my wife. :) There was a problem that later made that girl changed her mind and decide to not marry me. But this is different issue. The point that I want to say in this post is, the guy should not easy to give up when facing rejection from the girl's parent.

Some parents are indeed fussy and bit paranoid about the guys who interested to their daughters. They often see those guys with negative view and and forbide their daughters to marry those guys. However, in many cases the girl's parents later change their minds and willing to accept those guys after those guys approached and convinced them.

Yes, the key to solve problem like this actually is in the guy's hand. If the guy dare to approach the girl's parents and convince them, then there is possibility the girl parents will change their mind and accept this guy. However, if the guy easy to give up, even if the girl beg her parent, it's very difficult the girl's parent will change their mind.

So what the girl must do in this situation is tell the guy to 'negotiate' with her parents.
Reply

xboxisdead
06-08-2018, 07:07 PM
Originally Posted by ardianto
Assalamualaikum.

Long time ago when I was young but started thinking about getting married, I met a girl. We liked each other, and felt matched. However, her mother didn't approve me, and told her many bad things about me. Even her mother tried to match her with another guy. That girl almost gave up and followed what her mother want. But I didn't. So I came to that girl's mother and told her that I serious intended to marry her daughter. She rejected me. But I still not gave up and tried to negotiate again until finally that girl's mother approved me.

Then?. ... Hmm, ... no, no, that girl was not the girl who then became my wife. :) There was a problem that later made that girl changed her mind and decide to not marry me. But this is different issue. The point that I want to say in this post is, the guy should not easy to give up when facing rejection from the girl's parent.

Some parents are indeed fussy and bit paranoid about the guys who interested to their daughters. They often see those guys with negative view and and forbide their daughters to marry those guys. However, in many cases the girl's parents later change their minds and willing to accept those guys after those guys approached and convinced them.

Yes, the key to solve problem like this actually is in the guy's hand. If the guy dare to approach the girl's parents and convince them, then there is possibility the girl parents will change their mind and accept this guy. However, if the guy easy to give up, even if the girl beg her parent, it's very difficult the girl's parent will change their mind.

So what the girl must do in this situation is tell the guy to 'negotiate' with her parents.
Hmmm. I do not like the advice about a brother not giving up. I would say if there are obstacles that prevent him from marrying her (be it her parents or his parents) I would advice for him to stop and ponder and think perhaps there is good thing behind this. Perhaps if he did marry her then later in life problems may ensue (it gets even more complicated when kids are in the picture). I say if there are issues to marrying that person because her parents are stopping her..perhaps that is a good thing. I would take that as a sign that girl or her parents might be trouble. Also...be careful with this advice "Of not giving up!"...what if her father or mother would kill the brother for marrying their daughter. I am not saying physically kill him (although that is a possibility) I am saying emotionally and psychologically kill him by making his life miserable. You know there are more than one way to kill someone.

But coming back to the sister's issue...again...exercise patience. If you did not get married in this world for whatever reason or had kids...something is better for you in the afterlife. You need to look at things in positive perspective :statisfie:statisfie
Reply

ardianto
06-08-2018, 08:10 PM
Originally Posted by xboxisdead
Hmmm. I do not like the advice about a brother not giving up. I would say if there are obstacles that prevent him from marrying her (be it her parents or his parents) I would advice for him to stop and ponder and think perhaps there is good thing behind this. Perhaps if he did marry her then later in life problems may ensue (it gets even more complicated when kids are in the picture). I say if there are issues to marrying that person because her parents are stopping her..perhaps that is a good thing. I would take that as a sign that girl or her parents might be trouble. Also...be careful with this advice "Of not giving up!"...what if her father or mother would kill the brother for marrying their daughter. I am not saying physically kill him (although that is a possibility) I am saying emotionally and psychologically kill him by making his life miserable. You know there are more than one way to kill someone.
If the guy take the girl run and get married without the girl's parents approve it, probably the girl's parents will kill him. However, if the girl's parent approve him to marry their daughter, then In Shaa Allah, everything will be okay, as long as the guy does not do something wrong that make the girl's parent change their view on him.

The purpose why the guy should approach the girl's parents is to make them approve him to marry their daughter.

Originally Posted by xboxisdead
But coming back to the sister's issue...again...exercise patience. If you did not get married in this world for whatever reason or had kids...something is better for you in the afterlife. You need to look at things in positive perspective
Oh, no, do not give pessimistic advice like this.
Reply

xboxisdead
06-08-2018, 09:19 PM
Originally Posted by ardianto
If the guy take the girl run and get married without the girl's parents approve it, probably the girl's parents will kill him. However, if the girl's parent approve him to marry their daughter, then In Shaa Allah, everything will be okay, as long as the guy does not do something wrong that make the girl's parent change their view on him.

The purpose why the guy should approach the girl's parents is to make them approve him to marry their daughter.


Oh, no, do not give pessimistic advice like this.
I suppose...but I am just saying in case she does not get married or have children it is not the end of the world. There is something better than this life. She should really focus on her akhira to be honest and put her trust on Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa). If she end up getting married...that is great. But even then it is not guaranteed it is going to last or she will have children or the children will be good people or healthy or..or. In this world, you cannot have everything you want :) Doesn't mean she give up and not do any action....it just if it does not happen she should not get hurt and get depressed or think the world is ended. Because it is not.

My mom convinced me not to adopt children and to have my own lineage and when I said sure let us do it..she said no one will have me because I do not make enough money. So really I cannot get A or B. This is what we do to each other ;D;D We loooooveeee closing doors and telling each other what to do.
Reply

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 3
    Last Post: 05-11-2016, 08:15 PM
  2. Replies: 4
    Last Post: 01-13-2010, 08:12 PM
  3. Replies: 2
    Last Post: 01-03-2010, 04:06 PM
  4. Replies: 54
    Last Post: 09-01-2009, 09:26 AM
HeartHijab.com | Hijab Sale | Pound Shop | International Institute of Entrepreneurship and Professional Development - IIEPD | Truly Halal Humour

IslamicBoard

Experience a richer experience on our mobile app!