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islamboards
08-12-2018, 04:56 PM
One month ago, I was at a wedding. A woman approached me and wanted to introduce me to her son. He told me on day 1 that he was previously divorced with one child. I wanted to give him a chance so we continued to talk. I had a strong connection with him and we would talk on everyday for hours. He told me he loved me, and I said it back. I honestly felt like I had found the one for me. I met his 2 year old daughter a few times (she is too young to understand that her dad is divorced). A few days ago, he asked me to marry him. However, I just found out yesterday that he has been divorced 3 times. Each marriage lasted 2-3 months with the exception of the last marriage that resulted in a child which lasted for about 1.5 years.

This man ha a pattern of marrying quickly and divorcing shortly after. Do you think I should give him a chance, or cut ties with him? I care about him so much, and was so sad to hear about his past divorces. I am scared that he is manipulative, and might be emotionally or even physically abusive down the line. I have not seen any abuse or maltreatment from him thus far. He treats me so well, and is very kind.
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'Abd-al Latif
08-12-2018, 04:59 PM
How religiously committed is this man?
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islamboards
08-12-2018, 05:01 PM
He recently became very religious after his last divorce. He prays 5x/day and he is currently performing hajj.
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BeTheChange
08-12-2018, 05:14 PM
Asalamualykum,

I would advise to speak to his ex wives, his community, his family etc. to learn more about his character. Don't let your emotions make a decision for you. Take your brother, dad or uncle with you and consult with your family. Also make istikarah prayer. If you are talking to him stop all communication whilst you make your decision as you have more of an opportunity to think with a clear head.

May Allah swt help you with this important decision. Ameen. These are very blessed days make dua and pray to Allah swt in the night.
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'Abd-al Latif
08-12-2018, 06:39 PM
Originally Posted by BeTheChange
Asalamualykum,

I would advise to speak to his ex wives, his community, his family etc. to learn more about his character. Don't let your emotions make a decision for you. Take your brother, dad or uncle with you and consult with your family. Also make istikarah prayer. If you are talking to him stop all communication whilst you make your decision as you have more of an opportunity to think with a clear head.

May Allah swt help you with this important decision. Ameen. These are very blessed days make dua and pray to Allah swt in the night.
I don't think it's a good idea to encourage someone to speak to their ex-partner. That sounds like a recipe for an absolute disaster as you can guarantee that ex-partners are unlikely to say anything good! That's like the worst thing someone can do. A better approach is to get to know the man himself.

I want to be absolutely clear that I'm not taking anyone's side but you'll only really know the person when one gets to know him in person.
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BeTheChange
08-12-2018, 10:39 PM
Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif
I don't think it's a good idea to encourage someone to speak to their ex-partner. That sounds like a recipe for an absolute disaster as you can guarantee that ex-partners are unlikely to say anything good! That's like the worst thing someone can do. A better approach is to get to know the man himself.

I want to be absolutely clear that I'm not taking anyone's side but you'll only really know the person when one gets to know him in person.
Asalamualykum

I know everyone is different Alhamdulilah and everyone takes different approaches but i personally would if i was faced with this situation. I am not judging anyone but 1 divorce is bad and yes it does happen. I get that. There are cases where a divorce is healthy. 2 divorces is okay something is seriously wrong here but again it can happen due to bad choices etc.! But 3 divorces and married for such a short space of time?! You start to question the person's commitment and the value one places on marriage. Yes the ex wives will more than likely exaggerate some of his bad qualities but one can then use thier own intiative and take the gist of the reason for separation. Again i completely understand why some people would prefer not to take this approach but me being me i would feel more confident and comfortable after i speak to the ex's. Also once you speak to his friends, family and neighbour's it will help you clarify his character and conduct further insha Allah. One final but important advice is to get your family involved if you have any insha Allah or a learned respected teacher. They advice is always invaluable.

May Allah swt guide us all Ameen.
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'Abd-al Latif
08-13-2018, 12:13 AM
Originally Posted by BeTheChange
Asalamualykum

I know everyone is different Alhamdulilah and everyone takes different approaches but i personally would if i was faced with this situation. I am not judging anyone but 1 divorce is bad and yes it does happen. I get that. There are cases where a divorce is healthy. 2 divorces is okay something is seriously wrong here but again it can happen due to bad choices etc.! But 3 divorces and married for such a short space of time?! You start to question the person's commitment and the value one places on marriage. Yes the ex wives will more than likely exaggerate some of his bad qualities but one can then use thier own intiative and take the gist of the reason for separation. Again i completely understand why some people would prefer not to take this approach but me being me i would feel more confident and comfortable after i speak to the ex's. Also once you speak to his friends, family and neighbour's it will help you clarify his character and conduct further insha Allah. One final but important advice is to get your family involved if you have any insha Allah or a learned respected teacher. They advice is always invaluable.

May Allah swt guide us all Ameen.
There's nothing to be gained by speaking to the ex and you'll be introducing complications and issues that aren't needed in anyone's life. I understand that being divorced multiple times could sound concerning but speaking to the ex's won't tell you about the person. You're more likely to meet a jealous/angry ex who'll say anything than being objective about it. This is seriously really bad advice.

Imagine the conversation:

Spouse-to-be: "Hi. My name is X and I'd like to get married to your ex. So tell me about him"

I am strongly against this. No. Just. No!

The best thing to do is get to know him as much as you can from the man himself than to get a distorted opinion from others. The more you know him before you marry him the better you'll feel about your decision whatever the final decision is.
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xboxisdead
08-13-2018, 04:00 AM
Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif
There's nothing to be gained by speaking to the ex and you'll be introducing complications and issues that aren't needed in anyone's life. I understand that being divorced multiple times could sound concerning but speaking to the ex's won't tell you about the person. You're more likely to meet a jealous/angry ex who'll say anything than being objective about it. This is seriously really bad advice.

Imagine the conversation:

Spouse-to-be: "Hi. My name is X and I'd like to get married to your ex. So tell me about him"

;D;D;D;D;D;D;D;D;D:haha::haha::haha::giggling::gig gling:


@BeTheChange

Is it too much to ask for a popcorn and orange juice when this happens? I have not watch drama movies for a long time and what better drama show than real life!! :D:D
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Junon
08-13-2018, 10:15 PM
Salaam

I would be cautious sister and find out as much information as you can, being divorced multiple times is usually a big red flag, he has to give a good reason why.
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