If I had daughter, I would be a protective father

[ardianto]

:sl:

Yesterday I wrote a post in one thread, although later I edited that post because that could lead to out of topic. But now I decide to show what actually I wrote in that thread. Here, the post

I have two sons, and I never ask them to obey me. What I do is just showing which the good, which the bad. And I let them to live their own life.

But if I have daughter I would stricter and would asked her to obey me with purpose to protect her from predators that named “The Men”.

There is difference between raising boy and raising girl.

In 51 years of my life I cannot count how many times I saw girls fall victims by the guys who deceived them, fooled them, cheat them. It made me felt concerned. That’s why in the past I’ve ever thought “If in the future I have daughter, I would always watch her and protect her. And she must obey me if I saw something wrong could be happen to her”. Why I thought if I had daughter she had to obey me?. Okay, I explain.

In some cases that I found, that’s happened because the fathers didn’t care on their daughters. Those fathers just busies with themselves. But some other cases happened because those girls disobeyed their fathers. The fathers had warned them to stay away from the guys who then fool and cheat them. But those girls did not listen.

Some guys are smart. They know how to fool the girls. But the girls fathers are not easily being fooled since those father are men too, and have experienced in approaching the girls in their young age.

But Allah didn’t give me daughter. Allah gave me two sons. So what I do is teaching my sons to always honor the women, and do not ever fool or cheat a woman.

Okay, maybe there are forum members who think that I am sexist, or maybe there are who think that’s what a father must behave to his daughter. Feel free to discuss.

[FilleTriste]

No, not sexist at all. I do not see anything wrong with what you are saying.

[MazharShafiq]

exactly it is true that fathers are not intereste and Cate in daughter, s matter and Come on, parents do not guide them therefore the girl are cheated.

[Nájlá]

:wa:

I very much agree with what you said. I can see the concern you might have if you had a daughter.

However there is one thing that is really getting into me:

If I had a daughter I would be stricter

I do see why you would want to do that, but is that a really effective way to protect a daughter and keep her away from haram?

I'm an Arab and I come from a community where many daughter's don't even finish their education. Mainly for reasons so they don't bring shame to the family, nothing to do with Islam. Although yes they very much do care and are overly protective over them.

Also I remember a fatwa on Islamqa that said an opinion of why would a lady go to university and be in a free mixing environment. That really bugged me. Yes I understand the free mixing but since when has education become haram? Instead of teaching our daughter's to stay away from contact with men without a valid reason. We are instead making the halal haram for our daughter's. If education was haram, Aisha (RA) wouldn't have been a scholar. If having a job was haram for women, Khadijah (RA) wouldn't have been a bussiness women nor would have Aisha (RA) been a teacher.

Also lets say yes, a lady goes to university makes a mistake etc (we are not perfect) why then do we treat a girl differently to when a boy makes a mistake? We are sinners after all. And we will be held accountable the same way by Allah (SWT). Allah would not a punish a women differently for the SAME mistake a guy made.

From what I see being strict has never really worked, I know girls whose parents are soo strict on them yet these girls always find a way to do wrong. They simply don't care because they was not taught, nor given love and care when they made a mistake or even when they was forbidden things without an explanataion.

I myself I made mistakes in my teen years, if my parents was not understanding & caring but simply became angry, strict and forbid me of things. I would have never seen my mistake. But thankfully they was the opposite.

What is the right way to raise a daughter? I have only one toddler daughter and I worry about her future a lot and sometimes I wish she never grow up. This world is scary. I can only Make duaa but definitely being strict with her is not in my plan. I'll have to fight with the community to allow her to have a proper full education. Sending her back home for some time seems like a good idea

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[SintoDinto]

:wa:

I very much agree with what you said. I can see the concern you might have if you had a daughter.

However there is one thing that is really getting into me:

I do see why you would want to do that, but is that a really effective way to protect a daughter and keep her away from haram?

I'm an Arab and I come from a community where many daughter's don't even finish their education. Mainly for reasons so they don't bring shame to the family, nothing to do with Islam. Although yes they very much do care and are overly protective over them.

Also I remember a fatwa on Islamqa that said an opinion of why would a lady go to university and be in a free mixing environment. That really bugged me. Yes I understand the free mixing but since when has education become haram? Instead of teaching our daughter's to stay away from contact with men without a valid reason. We are instead making the halal haram for our daughter's. If education was haram, Aisha (RA) wouldn't have been a scholar. If having a job was haram for women, Khadijah (RA) wouldn't have been a bussiness women nor would have Aisha (RA) been a teacher.

Also lets say yes, a lady goes to university makes a mistake etc (we are not perfect) why then do we treat a girl differently to when a boy makes a mistake? We are sinners after all. And we will be held accountable the same way by Allah (SWT). Allah would not a punish a women differently for the SAME mistake a guy made.

From what I see being strict has never really worked, I know girls whose parents are soo strict on them yet these girls always find a way to do wrong. They simply don't care because they was not taught, nor given love and care when they made a mistake or even when they was forbidden things without an explanataion.

I myself I made mistakes in my teen years, if my parents was not understanding & caring but simply became angry, strict and forbid me of things. I would have never seen my mistake. But thankfully they was the opposite.

What is the right way to raise a daughter? I have only one toddler daughter and I worry about her future a lot and sometimes I wish she never grow up. This world is scary. I can only Make duaa but definitely being strict with her is not in my plan. I'll have to fight with the community to allow her to have a proper full education. Sending her back home for some time seems like a good idea

Yes, the girls with the strictest parents often once they leave their parents' households they become the "wildest", audhubillah. Or even behind their parents back they do things, as I have witnessed.

[Mandy]

But if I have daughter I would stricter

As other have said, strict is good, but it is a fine balance to maintain.

I have only sons, but I believe boys also need a strict environment to grow in. It is just being strict to a level that is appropriate. And yes some things might not be appropriate to a young girl and some other things are not appropriate for a young boy. But it is important that kids understand WHY. I believe often as parents we are shy and uncomfortable to explain the why to our children.

For example, if a girl was asking if she can go out alone at night to explore dark back alleys, any sane parent would just say "NO you cannot". But few would feel comfortable to explain all the reasons as the explanation of what might happen to her leads to explaining very dark and evil things. We love our children and want the best and fear for them. But often those fears drive us to give imperfect answers.


It is hard to be a good parents, it is impossible to be a perfect parent!

[ardianto]

I didn’t mean to say if I had daughter I would be a strict father for her. But what I meant was I would be stricter to her in some matters than to my sons.

I was born in educated middle-class family. I have one brother and two sisters. My parents were open-minded, especially in education matter. They loved us equally. But since I was kid I have seen something different. My parents did not mind when I played far from home with other boys. But they did not allow my sisters to play outside our residential area. Then after we grown up into teenagers my parents did not forbid me to go outside at night. But they forbade my sisters, with classic reason “You are girl. It’s dangerous for you if you go outside. But your brother is a boy. He can protect himself”.

Honestly, I was not a boy who liked to stay at home. I went out almost every night. And what I’ve seen out there made me understand why my parents forbade my sisters to go outside at night. I saw the girls who still outside at night, and I saw what happened to them. Not something good.

But danger for the girls threatening them not only at night.

I befriended with many guys from various characteristics and behaviors, including “the smart guys who knew how to fool the girls”. Some of my close friends were guys like this. Did they chase the girls?. No. But they made the girls chased them. They knew how to make a girl infatuated without this girl realized it.

[ardianto]

One day when I was young, when I entered my sister room I saw photo of a guy there. I thought that was photo of a male singer who popular in that time. But a moment later I realized, that was not photo of that singer, but photo of a guy who was known as playboy. So I called my sister and ‘interrogated’ her, from where she got that photo, and why she kept it. She told me that she got the photo from that guy himself. So I warned her to be careful on that guy.

Was I over protective toward my sister?.

[azc]

One day when I was young, when I entered my sister room I saw photo of a guy there. I thought that was photo of a male singer who popular in that time. But a moment later I realized, that was not photo of that singer, but photo of a guy who was known as playboy. So I called my sister and ‘interrogated’ her, from where she got that photo, and why she kept it. She told me that she got the photo from that guy himself. So I warned her to be careful on that guy.

Was I over protective toward my sister?.

No, rather, you as her brother wanted to protect her from getting trapped by that playboy.

[Insaanah]

Wa alaikum assalam,

I hope things are well with you brother Ardianto.

I agree with your sentiments, and even though that situation hasn’t happened to you, ie you don’t have a daughter, may Allah reward for the intention you have if you were in that situation, ameen.

My take on it, is that we need to be equally strict or rather have similar rules and principles with both boys and girls. We would stop daughters from going out late at night, but should we actually allow boys to? Most of the evil in society is after dark. Even boys can be coerced or pressurised by friends into doing things they shouldn’t. It would be nice if night time the doors are shut and it is a time for the family to be together. Boys can see their friends earlier in the evening or at weekends or chat by phone, video call etc. If we encourage both genders that it’s best not to go out unnecessarily at night, and that going to bed at a good time means they can get up for fair in time, it makes them adopt good habits from a young age. Those men, when they get married, if they are in the habit of going out late at night and hanging out with friends, that might cause problems after marriage.

Both genders need to be aware of dangers in society, so we need to be strict (perhaps firm is a better word) with boys too, especially nowadays.

[MazharShafiq]

exactly well said

[Mandy]

My take on it, is that we need to be equally strict or rather have similar rules and principles with both boys and girls. We would stop daughters from going out late at night, but should we actually allow boys to?

I agree with this. Boys do not need to be outside running around at night. There are danger that lurks out there for them too. The dangers are different. But there are danger non the less. A young man can get injured in fight and other such things.

In general, the dangers that await a girl might be a bit more immidiate. But there are many long term dangers that await a boys (like the bad habits sister @Insaanah described.



Suddenly, I feel very happy that my oldest is only 9 and I have yet to face all those difficult decisions and choices!!!

[Nitro Zeus]

I agree with this. Boys do not need to be outside running around at night. There are danger that lurks out there for them too. The dangers are different. But there are danger non the less. A young man can get injured in fight and other such things.

In general, the dangers that await a girl might be a bit more immidiate. But there are many long term dangers that await a boys (like the bad habits sister @Insaanah described.



Suddenly, I feel very happy that my oldest is only 9 and I have yet to face all those difficult decisions and choices!!!

What's that "lurk"?? Another type of spiritual species? Or what?

[Mandy]

What's that "lurk"?? Another type of spiritual species? Or what?

"danger that lurks out there " is just an expression. It just means all sort of dangers that are looking for someone to fall onto. Like a thief looking for someone to rob, a wild dog looking for a prey to bite, etc.

[ardianto]

"danger that lurks out there " is just an expression. It just means all sort of dangers that are looking for someone to fall onto. Like a thief looking for someone to rob, a wild dog looking for a prey to bite, etc.

The dangers you mentioned are just small danger that can be avoided easily. The real danger of night life is temptation that can easily make someone fall into it.

Night life is full of ‘night people’ who offer drugs, offer sex to men for money, and offer money to women for sex. If someone falling into this offer, then he/she will become the ‘night people’ too.

I have seen many good people who turned into ‘night people’ with sinful wild life. And most of them are teenagers.

[ardianto]

Wa alaikum assalam,

I hope things are well with you brother Ardianto.

I agree with your sentiments, and even though that situation hasn’t happened to you, ie you don’t have a daughter, may Allah reward for the intention you have if you were in that situation, ameen.

My take on it, is that we need to be equally strict or rather have similar rules and principles with both boys and girls. We would stop daughters from going out late at night, but should we actually allow boys to? Most of the evil in society is after dark. Even boys can be coerced or pressurised by friends into doing things they shouldn’t. It would be nice if night time the doors are shut and it is a time for the family to be together. Boys can see their friends earlier in the evening or at weekends or chat by phone, video call etc. If we encourage both genders that it’s best not to go out unnecessarily at night, and that going to bed at a good time means they can get up for fair in time, it makes them adopt good habits from a young age. Those men, when they get married, if they are in the habit of going out late at night and hanging out with friends, that might cause problems after marriage.

Both genders need to be aware of dangers in society, so we need to be strict (perhaps firm is a better word) with boys too, especially nowadays.

Alhamdulillah, my sons are not the boys who go out at night. They spend the night at home. My oldest son busy with his computer, or make indoor video. Yes, he loves to make video. My youngest son chat with his friends on his smartphone.

I took many lessons from my past life as youth. So I always try to prevent my kids fall into the wrong way.