How can I tell her I can NEVER LOVE her?

assalam alaikum

Read until the end please and dont judge.I had a hard life when i was a child and had to spent most of time alone since early age,then i got bullied at school till mid high school,and then i became a muslim,which made my hard even harder (tests etc).So the feeling of being loved and accepted was growing very much inside me making me,maybe caused a psychological distorter but to make up for the empty feeling i had inside i have been going female to female,married,engaged,young,old,all kinds.I have never commited zinnah,i would just make them love me and then leave them,go to another,it was like a drug.Then i was becoming religious until a day came when i had enough of it and totally regreted and be completely diff person then who i was.
Until one day i meet a muslim girl in a muslim group online,and we talked about religious things first,how i became a muslim etc.I was feeling very lonely and she was making me feel good so i continued with it.It wasnt late until she fell in love with me.I deleted my account and she searched for me everywhere until she found me again.
Now I was used to go female to female,so i was feeling suffocated,but she is very good and very religious,and i am her first love,so I tried to make myself love her back,made duaa,made istikhara,convince myself i need to settle and in a few months am about to go to her country and meet with her family.
But i didnt know the way she looks,id never ask a muslim for pictures.Now that i have seen,i cant take it anymore..

I just cant take it...i feel extremely suffocated,i dont want to marry her,i can never love her.She isnt ugly,she has a lot of proposals,but i cant be with her,and i know i will never love her.
But i cant tell her that,am her first love and shes head to toe in love with me,i would rather die than break her heart.But on the other side,i can never love her,and i cant even fake loving her

It is destroying my faith as i was focused in being a good muslim but now i only think of this and i have just left everything from the total depression and suffocation that i feel.

So she is waiting for me to meet her father and I know I can NEVER love her.What should i do without breaking her heart????
I would choose death 1000000 times over this i feel like everything has ended and i feel my chest exploding from all this sadness.I feel imprisoned.Shaytan has got me really bad.

Please help me out and i swear on Allah I will never get into this situation again

It sounds like this situation got out of control: you started up a casual friendship with a like-minded girl, it developed into something emotional, and then into love, and before you knew what was happening, it was too late to pull back without inflicting emotional harm upon her.

But it also seems like you are scared of commitment and family, and this makes sense, since you had a difficult childhood that may not have been stable or predictable. Islam gives you your spiritual and moral foundation, but there is still the human and social element. Are you sure that when you say "I cannot love her", that you do not mean "I am scared to love anyone"?

she started,i was keeping away from girls,i went just along with it cuz i was lonely,but yeah,its all my fault am not trying to justify myself.

Yes you are right about that.I thought the same when i said first that i made istikhara,duaa etc to love her back,and it was going good,but its all ruined now that i saw how she looked like. Its not ugly as i said,but completely out of my tastes,and i know i will never feel for her and i will be a terrible husband and a terrible muslim as i will be feeling more for other women than my own wife.

- - - Updated - - -

Silas said:

It sounds like this situation got out of control: you started up a casual friendship with a like-minded girl, it developed into something emotional, and then into love, and before you knew what was happening, it was too late to pull back without inflicting emotional harm upon her.

But it also seems like you are scared of commitment and family, and this makes sense, since you had a difficult childhood that may not have been stable or predictable. Islam gives you your spiritual and moral foundation, but there is still the human and social element. Are you sure that when you say "I cannot love her", that you do not mean "I am scared to love anyone"?

Click to expand...

sorry i didnt know i had to quote you.I wrote the answer above

The first thing is that there is no concept of friendship with the girl in Islam, you should not talk to this girl at the beginning. Then the second thing is that you can save this girl from getting hurt, say clearly in words that are in your heart and walk on your way. If you do not agree with it, get married with her love will become self-sufficient its my thinking.

MazharShafiq said:

The first thing is that there is no concept of friendship with the girl in Islam, you should not talk to this girl at the beginning. Then the second thing is that you can save this girl from getting hurt, say clearly in words that are in your heart and walk on your way. If you do not agree with it, get married with her love will become self-sufficient its my thinking.

Click to expand...

I know but shaytan got me.It happened.I regret it,if i could change it i would.
How can she not be hurt if I say i dont like the way you look and i can never love you,while she is waiting for me to go and meet her father?
If i say i dont want to talk anymore because its haram she would still be waiting.I dont know,all roads are closed...

It may be possible that Satan is putting a sorrow in your heart that you can not be happy with it

You just have to be honest and face the issues you started.

Tell her you can't marry her and that you prayed istikhara and it doesn't seem right. You'll have to break her heart because what's wrong and haram ends in heart break. Let this be a lesson for both of you.

Walaikum Assalaam

You need to grow a backbone. Did you think you can play with people's hearts and get away with it? Now that it's getting real just say the truth for ONCE by telling her, make your peace, and grow up. Besides, I'm sure if she knew you were a player she probably wouldn't want you herself. Next time you actually like a girl, be a real man and ask for her hand through her father. Your sappy story about having a difficult upbringing is not really any excuse for what you're doing. We've all had difficult upbringings, the thing is if you KNOW what you're doing is wrong, which it clearly seems you do, then you have to be a decent person about it and fix your mistakes. Crying over spilt milk isn't going to do much for you. She'll get over it. You'll get over it. Life goes on.