About to marry but shaytan is destroying me!

Assalamu alaikum ue Rahmetullah ue Barakatuh

Excuse me for my poor english.Please read it all in shaa Allah.It is not as long as it seems.

I am stuck in a terrible situation.After a life of haram i became a muslim.The feeling of loneliness and depression
i got while i was being tested for my religion has driven me to focus on finding a partner.Allah has blessed
me with beauty and what i believed it was until a while ago,a good heart too,so it wasnt hard for me to find one.

I have tried with muslims and non muslims,but as soon as things would get serious,id feel suffocated and like my life was
over.At that point i would just want to dissapear and not have to do with them anymore.
I gave up eventually as i always thought the problem was with them and Allah would give me the right girl at the right time.
Then this girl came into my life,very good muslim girl,so pure and kindhearted,and guess what,i have broken her heart twice,and
am about to break her heart again.

We agreed to marry,i felt suffocated and backed off,letting her know i dont want to talk again and dissapeared.I came back in her life while she
was about to accept a proposal which was,according to her mother,perfect for her,and since she loved me she forgave me,agreed
to marry me again and rejects that proposal.Now while she was counting days till i meet her parents,i feel suffocated again
and let her know i dont want to marry her.AGAIN i feel terrible i let her go and i turn back AGAIN!!.She says she will
think about it,but am pretty sure she will say yes,because she loes me.
NOW I FEEL SUFFOCATED AGAIN AND I WANT HER TO SAY NO!!.then there are part of the day when i want her to say yes.
I have done istikhara so much and talked to people.Some told me that her answer,yes or no,is what Allah wants you to do.
Do you think the same?

Shes is short and normal looking and i thought the prob was her but no.The same prolem i have with girls i have it with
male friends.When we get too close i start keeping distance.
I have this big prolem of what people this of me.I put myself in imaginary situation and i see that i feel happier if
i had a beautiful/rich wife despite her ruining my life.My happiness is attached to what people in my family circle think
of me.I grew up with my cousins braging to me,braging all these years for having more success and money than me.I can never
be free unless i win this "race" with them.Marrying a beautiful rich wife is the only halal way of winning
this.Thats why everytime things get serious shaytan tells me leave her and find a richer and more beautiful.

As you see my heart is sick.I am sick and I need help.This is not the real me that wants this.Idk what it is but the real me
wants to be a good muslim.I want to be responsable and to make people happy,because i want Allah to love me.
I hate myself for the first time!,i hate it!!for years ive been focused on learning about the prophet saws so i can be like him,and i have turned out to be
completely different.

This feeling is eating me from inside brothers,only Allah knows what hell i am going through inside.Im sleeping past 6 am everyday,
cant sleep,cant focus on anything,cant progress on my deen,im thinking about this the whoooole time.What if,what if,what if,every minute for days and days.
Like i was browsing a muslim group in telegram and there came a sister suddently.She had pic of her on,with half face covered
astagfirullah,and ofc it was only the first glance but that part of second it was enough to put me into another what if situation.What if
she is more religious than the one am marrying,and shes also more beautiful,what if i married her someone like her.
Deep down i know this is sickness,i dont do it on purpose,but i cant stop!!! I cant take it anymore!!!!

How can i be like you please? a good husband she deserves,How can i be happy with her and not feel that i could have gotten a better one?
How can i be free and not care about about what people think of me?
or even better how can i stop being a damn child and grow up?

Brother believe me when I say this you are going to regret letting this girl go because of something petty like this. You can become rich by your own setting up bussiness etc etc. But letting this girl go could be a huge mistake for you.

Don't play with peoples emotions and don't take them for granted. Going back and forth to her seems like a major sin to me because you are wasting her time and this has obviously become a game to you. Fear Allah and somehow you might regret and if she dosen't make you regret this than you will somehow. Take heed brother I have experience with something similar. Don't play with girls emotions this is more dengerous for you then them. Marry this girl honorable and avoid bad fate that is my sincere advise to you and never consider a rich girl or what not. Make your own destiny and make yourself rich if that is what you desire.

This sin might make your suffer alot in your life going forward and try to avoid it altogether now. Never ever waste other peoples times nor take them for granted especially girls who have romantic feelings towards you as the betrayal level sky rockets. It's a sin your should fear greatly

Besides...marrying a rich woman does not automatically mean you will become rich too.
İn İslaam...wealth and property of a woman is hers alone...she does not have to share that with you...
On the other way around....she can demand from you to sustain her in her expensive way of living....
Third...she will always look down on you because she has a lot more money than you.
You will make your own life a hell...

So forget about that plan and marry the person you love because of her personality

So you want to marry a rich, good looking woman because you grew up with your cousins bragging about success and money? And you wont be happy till you dont win this 'race'?

My advice is dont marry this sister. She deserves better. Alot better than someone who left her once before and is thinking about leaving her again.
She deserves better than a man who doesnt want a wife to complete half his deen but to put on his arm and show her off as a trophy so he can win an 'imaginary race'.

I hope and pray that you realise that the quality to look for in a good spouse is piety not wealth or beauty. This is the teaching of Islam.

Ask yourself, what would you do if you married someone beautiful and rich who lost her wealth through poor investments and her beauty faded with age?

The Prince said:

So you want to marry a rich, good looking woman because you grew up with your cousins bragging about success and money? And you wont be happy till you dont win this 'race'?

My advice is dont marry this sister. She deserves better. Alot better than someone who left her once before and is thinking about leaving her again.
She deserves better than a man who doesnt want a wife to complete half his deen but to put on his arm and show her off as a trophy so he can win an 'imaginary race'.

I hope and pray that you realise that the quality to look for in a good spouse is piety not wealth or beauty. This is the teaching of Islam.

Ask yourself, what would you do if you married someone beautiful and rich who lost her wealth through poor investments and her beauty faded with age?

Click to expand...

I wish I can press like a hundred times!