format_quote Originally Posted by
AbdullahAziz
Bro you can have intimacy with someone you're not attracted to, however it will fall far short of full satisfaction... and never think you won't be vulnerable to shaytan, especially if you're recovering from depression... a weak mind can be the trigger point for weak self control
You need to move on from this however much you may disappoint her
Might be, but why should you do this? As you say if you find someone not only the character beautiful, you will feel attached to that person. I think if you marry someone not attractive but you are physically attracted to will make the marriage successful. That depends from person to person what you're attracted too.
You're right with the part, that depression makes it harder. I really see how my behavior changed in regard to women. Before this depression I was really strict and disciplined with not mixing or at least not talking to women. However, in the last years it changed a bit. I am still aware that this is not right, but I say to myself: I haven't commited any sin in that regard, so I won't do it in the future. That might be a trick by Shaytan. However, I recite Quran as much as possible and keep the Ayah regarding to Zina in mind and fear Allah as much as possible. So inshaAllah, Almighty will prevent me from being one of the evildoers. Another thing is, I cannot really avoid mixing with women because of school and work. I kind of don't take it that serious anymore, because I know my character already, but I am also aware that more pious people than me has fallen into zinaa. So it's a dangerous game and I try to really focus and deal with the situation so Allah is not displeased with me.
format_quote Originally Posted by
Abz2000
It is likely that Allah :swt: has a good match for her and won't abandon her, If you marry her out of imagined pity, you may be putting yourself at risk of feeling very hurt when you have arguments (as is inevitable as you callibrate each other to common ground) since you will likely perceive her to be ungrateful and reaching above her league.
Marriage is not only about self or compromise - it's frustratingly complicated and erratic (sometimes you wish they just fk off and leave you to progress without the emotional drain, that's when attraction in some lawful way is necessary - although it may be her inner purity that attracts you (snow white isn't necessarily as fair on the outside as within).
I can't provide an answer and i don't think anyone else can, i am having more and more frequent arguments myself of late and struggling to find a balance of compromise, physical attraction is not the issue, rather - mental.
i would advise you to make your choice with Allah :swt: in mind and with your own self interest taken into account up to a degree so that the value of the spouse is also an incentive to keep going through the storms.
One thing i'll say for certain is - seek someone who is genuine.
I think as you probably to do, that most people don't know how to fight or argue. I remember that I read an hadtih when RasulAllah saw. had a fight with one of his women and he left and went to the masjid and didn't come back after 3 months, if I remember correctly (if you know the hadith, please share it here). Sometimes it's the best to just take a break and calm down. If this bad energy is released often people see that the issue is smaller than it appeared.
format_quote Originally Posted by
ardianto
Assalamualaikum.
Getting a wife is not as simple as buying t-shirt. If you want to buy t-shirt you can go to t-shirt shop, choose the t-shirt you like, buy, and the t-shirt now belong to you. …. But if you want to get a wife?. You can find a woman who meets your criteria. But if she is not interested to marry you, then how can you marry her?.
When you meet a woman you maybe think “ah, she is not the type of woman that I want”. But do you realize?, when you meet a woman who you like, this woman maybe think too “ah, he is not the type of man that I want”. You can ask about it to the men who have ever rejected by women who they liked.
That’s why, when a man seeks a wife he must able to tolerate if this woman does not really match his expectation, rather than insist to seek a woman in his dream but always get rejected and rejected, and finally he never get married.
I don’t want to judge you as shallow because I know that you haven’t had experience with women, so you haven’t realize that not the woman beauty that will make a man loves her and feel comfortable. Different than me who is a widower who ever married for 19 years.
My advice for you, try to see a woman not only on her physical attractiveness, because if you see a woman only on her physical attractivness, very possible you will fall into wrong woman, who look attractive but has very bad character and personality. Marrying woman like this will only makes you suffer.
:)
Yes, but what the point if you don't be happy with it? Beauty is subjective, everyone has a different view and taste on that. So what you might like I don't and the other way around. I myself am not good looking either, I would say on good days I look average and on bad days really ugly; but this is my personal view. Other people (except my mom) might find me attractive. I know that there are women they find me attractive (a few), but this is there view point. There are a lot of women many men would find them attractive, but I don't.
I don't have a dream women. I just don't want corpulent women, because it's not attractive to me, and it's not healthy to be corpulent. I am not corpulent and try to eat really healthy (less or no meat, no sugar etc.), and like doing sports to keep my body and mind fit (even though my mind is confused lately). So why should I marry someone who is the opposite. I don't expect a model but normal healthy women. Appearance is subjective, there are no ugly people, it is from his or her view.
As I said, I would not turn up appearance over character, but wouldn't marry someone with "perfect" character but subjective less physical appeal. I think there must be at least an atom of physical attractiveness, otherwise I would prefer being single. Because the reason for marriage is to be protected from zinaa, and if you feel not physical attractiveness what's the point? I know marriage is much more than intimacy, don't educate me on that :D
PS: Sometimes buying a T-Shirt is hard, or to be more precise boxer shorts. It's really difficult to find good one, that fits perfect, but the problem is, you can not try them or return them (what is actually a good think that I support) ^^
It's late, I am tired and apologize for any made mistakes.