Sexual Abuse need advice

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happymuslim

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Asalamualaikum brothers and sisters,
I know someone who's sister is being molested by their mother and has been for a long time and I don't know what to do. I don't want to tell authorities in fear of breaking the family apart, and she has tried talking to their Mother but she doesn't seem to care, or is trying to intentionally avoid the subject. Her sister keeps complaining and she doesn't know what to do or who to tell. I want to know what she should do from an Islamic perspective because so far googling has gotten me nowhere, and I have no one to really talk to. So please Brothers and sisters if there is any kind advice or anyone else who has gone through something similar, I'd really appreciate it.
 
walaykum assalam warahmatullahi wa barakatu
Has she tried talking to you about it? Does she want authorities involved??? Maybe you can speak to a local imam.
 
She has talked to me about it, I'm not sure if she wants the authorities involved, but there is no local imaan as they live in a majority non muslim area.
 
This is so sickening and I am so disturbed to read that this is something being done by a Muslim mother? The mother is normally the one who will protect her child from all kind of abuse but her mother seems to be far away from Islam and her Fitra has been corrupted so much that she is not more a human. This is absolutely unacceptable behavior and will have great psychological impact on this kid.
I suggest that in this case, she should talk to her father first. She should not remain quite about this because this is just the beginning and she need to stand up for herself and for her other sisters. If father turns a blind eye then call police. Make sure she record the incident in her phone as a proof to make her case stronger.
 
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She can't just tell dad because in Islamic culture there's lots of haya involved and this is a deeply shameful and taboo thing so its not so easy to tell dad as it is in Western non Muslim culture

And telling police will break up family (all kids will be taken into care and mother jailed and family will be subjected to public humiliation)

So more tactful measures should be employed first than the above 2 which should be a very last resort but the tactful measures should sort it.

At 14 years of age she is old enough to say 'no' to her mum and just push mums hand away and tell mum that this is a great sin. This should sort it.... If it doesn't and mum wants to forcefully continue then she can threaten to tell dad.... Next step, threaten to tell social services....

I think the first threat to tell dad should be enough to put a stop to this so tell her to try that first
 
Ahmed. said:
She can't just tell dad because in Islamic culture there's lots of haya involved and this is a deeply shameful and taboo thing so its not so easy to tell dad as it is in Western non Muslim culture
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I understand what haya is but in this case, she has to tell it to someone who cares for her and sadly if her mother is the one who is abusing her then she has to share it with her dad. It is better to share this pain with her dad than sharing with strangers. Involving police or any other social services group will eventually involve her dad and everyone else in the family. She will still go through long questioning and as you said it will be more humiliating not only for her but for entire family.

If she can't tell her dad directly, she can send him an email. She can write a letter and hand over to his dad to read or she can call her dad directly instead of telling him face to face.

If she does not have a loving relationship with her dad, then share this with someone within the family. This could be her paternal uncle, her grand parents, her aunts etc. By all means try to keep this matter within the family but one thing is clear that her mom needs to be far away from her as she will only cause more damage to this innocent girl. Her mother has already crossed the limits and damaged her perception of love and trust. I can only feel sorry for this kid and pray that Allah save her from further humiliation.

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Ahmed. said:
And telling police will break up family (all kids will be taken into care and mother jailed and family will be subjected to public humiliation)
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I agree and that's why I suggested to contact her dad or close/trusted/loving family members first. As far as I see, the family has already broken. Her mother has crossed all limits and she should not live with her anymore. It will be unfair to the kid and may cause much more physical and psychological damage to this little girl.


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Ahmed. said:
At 14 years of age she is old enough to say 'no' to her mum and just push mums hand away and tell mum that this is a great sin. This should sort it.... If it doesn't and mum wants to forcefully continue then she can threaten to tell dad.... Next step, threaten to tell social services....
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I think OP already mentioned that she has tried to convince her mother but she seems to avoid the subject and not care about it. Threats normally worsen the situation with people who fail to differentiate between daughter and son only to fulfill their animal desires. She may even end up killing the girl only to cover up her bad things. ​
 
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HabibUrrehman said:
I understand what haya is but in this she has to tell it to someone who cares for her and sadly if her mother is the one who is abusing her then she has to share it with her dad. It is better to share this pain with her dad than sharing with strangers. Involving police or any other social services group will eventually involve her dad and everyone else in the family. She will still go through long questioning and as you said it will be more humiliating not only for her but for entire family.

If she can't tell her dad directly, she can send him an email. She can write a letter and hand over to his dad to read or she can call her dad directly instead of telling him face to face.

If she does not have a loving relationship with her dad, then share this with someone within the family. This could be her paternal uncle, her grand parents, her aunts etc. By all means try to keep this matter within the family but one thing is clear that her mom needs to be far away from her as she will only cause more damage to this innocent girl. Her mother has already crossed the limits and damaged her perception of love and trust. I can only feel sorry for this kid and pray that Allah save her from further humiliation.[/FONT][/COLOR]



I agree and that's why I suggested to contact her dad or close/trusted/loving family members first. As far as I see, the family has already broken. Her mother has crossed all limits and she should not live her anymore. It will be unfair to the kid and may cause much more physical and psychological damage to this little girl.



I think OP already mentioned that she has tried to convince her mother but she seems to avoid the subject and not care about it. Threats normally worsen the situation with people who fail to differentiate between daughter and son only to fulfill their animal desires. She may even end up killing the girl only to cover up her bad things. [/LEFT]
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Brother I think you might be a convert who's just used to the non Muslim culture. In the Muslim culture a teen girl cannot just tell her dad about these things as modesty and haya will get in the way and that's a good thing as both these attributes are from fitrah and their opposite is shamelessness.

Also in Islam we have to weigh harm and benefits before we do anything, destroying family by telling police is a far greater harm

You should have got a hint of the do's and don'ts of our culture from [MENTION=39723]happymuslim[/MENTION]'s post when she said she doesn't want a break up of their family. To Muslims, family is greater than sticking mummy in jail

No don't worry she won't try and kill the daughter lol, again you're judging with non Muslim yardstick brother lol. I'm sure her mum ain't the jack the ripper type. She's probably a porn watcher and has these evil desires but I think a good ole threat to tell, will put a stop to it! :)

If all these fails, then yes, tell daddy!
 
Ahmed. said:
Brother I think you might be a convert who's just used to the non Muslim culture. In the Muslim culture a teen girl cannot just tell her dad about these things as modesty and haya will get in the way and that's a good thing as both these attributes are from fitrah and their opposite is shamelessness.

Also in Islam we have to weigh harm and benefits before we do anything, destroying family by telling police is a far greater harm

You should have got a hint of the do's and don'ts of our culture from @happymuslim's post when she said she doesn't want a break up of their family. To Muslims, family is greater than sticking mummy in jail

No don't worry she won't try and kill the daughter lol, again you're judging with non Muslim yardstick brother lol. I'm sure her mum ain't the jack the ripper type. She's probably a porn watcher and has these evil desires but I think a good ole threat to tell, will put a stop to it! :)

If all these fails, then yes, tell daddy!
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I am not an advocate of breaking the family either and no one in right mind would be whether Muslim or non-Muslim. Its part of our fitra (nature).

Second, you have very wrong understanding of Islam and Haya. Her life is in danger, put yourself in her shoes and imagine what she might be going through. I read this post last night and was unable to sleep. It was so disturbing for me to imagine that a mother would do such a thing to her own kid. On top of that this mother in so called Muslim. If this continues then girl with run away from home most likely with a non Muslim guy who will use her like a tissue paper and through her out in streets. She will end up leaving Islam and her whole life will be ruined just because of something you think is so trivial.

Please don't tell me Islam prohibits her to share this pain with her own dad. If she can't tell this to her dad, I am not sure who else she can trust? Her dad will not question her like police or social services group would. That would be far more humiliating.
Islam encourages us to tell our problems to our parents and seek guidance from them. If we can separate Islam from our cultures, we can benefit from true teachings of Islam but sadly for many culture is more important than Islam and life of an innocent girl. It is most likely your culture which puts such barriers between daughters and fathers. I did not see such barriers when I read the stories of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and his dealing with his daughters. I did not see these barriers when women openly asked questions to Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) about mensuration. If you don't know what Islam is all about, may be it is better not to give any advice.
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Adding a video by Muftī Menk on similar issue:
 
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habiburrehman said:
i am not an advocate of breaking the family either and no one in right mind would whether muslim or non-muslim. Its part of our fitra (nature).

Second, you have very wrong understanding of islam and haya. Her life is in danger, put yourself in her shoes and imagine what she might be going through. I read this post last night and was unable to sleep. It was so disturbing for me to imagine that a mother would do such a thing to her own kid. On top of that this mother in so called muslim. If this continues then girl with run away from home most likely with a non muslim guy who will use her like a tissue paper and through her out in streets. She will end up leaving islam and her whole life will be ruined just because of something you think is so trivial.

Please don't tell me islam prohibits her to share this pain with her own dad. If she can't tell this to her dad, i am not sure who else she can trust? Her dad will not question her like police or social services group would. That would be far more humiliating.
Islam encourages you to tell our problems to our parents and seek guidance from them. If we can separate islam from our cultures, we can benefit from true teachings of islam but sadly for many culture is more important than islam and life of an innocent girl. It is most likely your culture which puts such barriers between daughters and fathers. I did not see such barriers when i read the stories of prophet muhammad (peace be upon him) and his dealing with his daughters. I did not see these barriers when women openly asked questions to prophet muhammad (peace be upon him) about mensuration. If you don't know what islam is all about, may be it is better not to give any advice.
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bravo!!
 
happymuslim said:
Asalamualaikum brothers and sisters,
I know someone who's sister is being molested by their mother and has been for a long time and I don't know what to do. I don't want to tell authorities in fear of breaking the family apart, and she has tried talking to their Mother but she doesn't seem to care, or is trying to intentionally avoid the subject. Her sister keeps complaining and she doesn't know what to do or who to tell. I want to know what she should do from an Islamic perspective because so far googling has gotten me nowhere, and I have no one to really talk to. So please Brothers and sisters if there is any kind advice or anyone else who has gone through something similar, I'd really appreciate it.
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MashAllah Sister you are doing the right thing by prioritising the unity of the family as we don't want one evil to result in a greater one. Kids that are taken into care often end up being sexually abused by evil pedo's who run the care homes

I think the elder sister (your friend) and her younger sister should both confront the mother privately and threaten to tell their dad., and if that don't work, then threaten to tell social. This would put an end to this evil InshAllah

Maybe the 14 year old is not resisting much which gives mum the impression she may like it, so she has to be very vocal in insisting this stops or else!

There's all sorts of Muslim principles to be taken into account here such as, keep a Muslim's sin secret and Allah will keep yours secret on judgement day, forgiveness, respect for mum despite her evils etc etc and above all, the all important family unity, hence going down the non Muslim way of whistle blowing and making all hell break loose isn't right for us too unless all other options are exhausted
 
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Ahmed. said:
keep a Muslim's sin secret and Allah will keep yours secret on judgement day
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Above principle shouldn't apply to all Muslim pedos if there is a risk of them abusing other children as keeping stum only makes it easier for pedos to carry on their evil, however for a Muslim Mum who a threat might sort out, all leniency should be applied
 
Ahmed. said:
MashAllah Sister you are doing the right thing by prioritising the unity of the family as we don't want one evil to result in a greater one. Kids that are taken into care often end up being sexually abused by evil pedo's who run the care homes
​
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How can you be so short sighted? She is already being abused in her own house. That's fine with you, it is also okay with you if she shares her story with strangers but its somehow very un-Islamic for her to tell that to her own dad? Where do you read this sort of stuff?

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Ahmed. said:
I think the elder sister (your friend) and her younger sister should both confront the mother privately and threaten to tell their dad., and if that don't work, then threaten to tell social. This would put an end to this evil InshAllah
​
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They already tried that and it did not work.

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Ahmed. said:
Maybe the 14 year old is not resisting much which gives mum the impression she may like it, so she has to be very vocal in insisting this stops or else!
​
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Just WOW! Put yourself in her shoes, if you want to know the pain she goes through. If you can't speak good, may be keep quite.

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Ahmed. said:
There's all sorts of Muslim principles to be taken into account here such as, keep a Muslim's sin secret
and Allah will keep yours secret on judgement day, forgiveness,​
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Next time you see a Muslim raping a girl, just don't say anything because according to you, that's a right thing because you are hiding the sin of a Muslim. I am literally speechless on this interpretation.
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Ahmed. said:
respect for mum despite her evils etc etc
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only if she is remorseful and changes her attitude. If she is not, then Islam does not ask you to be respectful to such parents. Islamic teachings comes first and what she did to this kid is not Islamic<< PERIOD>>
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Ahmed. said:
and above all, the all important family unity, hence going down the non Muslim way of whistle blowing and making all hell break loose isn't right for us too unless all other options are exhausted
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Which family are you talking about? Family where mother can keep abusing her kids at the name of so called Islam? When kids are not safe at their own home, that means the family has already broken. It is only a matter of time, this girl will most likely run away from this prison if no one hears her pain and agony.

There is nothing personal between you and I and I apologize if anything I said above hurt your feelings. I just can't stand when people provide their own interpretation of Islam to give an advice but in reality, their advice has no basis and no grounds to be found in Islam. Its fine if you want to give any advice, but please don't associate that with Islam. All what you said has nothing to do with Islam and I want to make that clear.

Ma'a Salama
 
I do not know what it is like when girls get molested by the same gender and especially if that is the parent but I do know that if boys do get molested by the same gender, whether it is brother or father, he develops homosexual tendencies and as he grows older like vampire will spread it to other boy victims. This girl is not only molested at such a young age, she is raped at such a young age but to add lemon acid to open wound she have been molested by the same gender and then to add stomach acid to open wound in additional to lemon acid to open wound it is her own mother. She will get so endless loop of emotional disaster. She is already taught the high status of mother in Islam and now that very mother is abusing her sexually, she feels trapped and have no escape and no rights even. She is going to grow up...severely damaged, she may end up lesbian, have sexual relationship with other women or she may repeat her mother and rape other girls and it gets worse too...what if she starts doing insist to her own sisters. This mother have opened the very inner gate of Shaytan to her own daughter that was in her body for nine month. She is unfit mother in my opinion. The daughter need to talk this matter to her father immediately and report this abuse. She need to know that she have a parent shoulder to cry on. OP, please tell your dad immediately of what happened to you and leave no details untold.

Seek psychological and emotional help immediately, your mother have ruined your mind and broke the trust between you and her.
 
HabibUrrehman said:
How can you be so short sighted? She is already being abused in her own house. That's fine with you, it is also okay with you if she shares her story with strangers but its somehow very un-Islamic for her to tell that to her own dad? Where do you read this sort of stuff? [/FONT][/COLOR]


They already tried that and it did not work.

Just WOW! Put yourself in her shoes, if you want to know the pain she goes through. If you can't speak good, may be keep quite.


Next time you see a Muslim raping a girl, just don't say anything because according to you, that's a right thing because you are hiding the sin of a Muslim. I am literally speechless on this interpretation.

only if she is remorseful and changes her attitude. If she is not, then Islam does not ask you to be respectful to such parents. Islamic teachings comes first and what she did to this kid is not Islamic<< PERIOD>>
Which family are you talking about? Family where mother can keep abusing her kids at the name of so called Islam? When kids are not safe at their own home, that means the family has already broken. It is only a matter of time, this girl will most likely run away from this prison if no one hears her pain and agony.

There is nothing personal between you and I and I apologize if anything I said above hurt your feelings. I just can't stand when people provide their own interpretation of Islam to give an advice but in reality, their advice has no basis and no grounds to be found in Islam. Its fine if you want to give any advice, but please don't associate that with Islam. All what you said has nothing to do with Islam and I want to make that clear.

Ma'a Salama
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Brother you are taking this way out of proportion. In a situation like this there's no need to make a mountain out of what could be a molehill. I say 'what could be a...' because in order to minimise harm its best that both sisters employ their sense of sabr, forgiveness, tactfulNess and deal with this matter in the least harmful way to get it to stop, and then just forgive and forget.

Blimey It's her mum we're talking about here, who's probably otherwise good to her daughter in every way and she so seriously messes up only in this way so the Muslim humane aspects of loving one's mum and compassion and mercy in heart of forgiving mum and overlooking this unfortunate episode in their life should prevail

I'm afraid your dramatising too much brother based on how the kuffar deal with it, Muslims are different brother, Muslims are something else :)

Don't get me wrong, this is a very serious evil that's happening, but it's in the best interest of the family that harm is minimised while dealing with it
 
happymuslim said:
Asalamualaikum brothers and sisters,
I know someone who's sister is being molested by their mother and has been for a long time and I don't know what to do. I don't want to tell authorities in fear of breaking the family apart, and she has tried talking to their Mother but she doesn't seem to care, or is trying to intentionally avoid the subject. Her sister keeps complaining and she doesn't know what to do or who to tell. I want to know what she should do from an Islamic perspective because so far googling has gotten me nowhere, and I have no one to really talk to. So please Brothers and sisters if there is any kind advice or anyone else who has gone through something similar, I'd really appreciate it.
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Walaikumus Salam sister, you should give support to both sisters as much as possible and you should try to console them as this abuse will have a very disastrous psychological effect on these girls. May Allah protect them and have mercy on them.

You should also advice them that they should stay away from their mum as much as possible. They should sleep in a separate room and make sure to lock it up. And if this evil mother tries to molest the daughter then she should not let her do that. She's 14 years old, she CAN stop her and it is her first duty to protect herself and for that she must take every step possible. She should jerk her away, look her in the eye and tell her firmly to stop. And if she doesn't listen even after this then she should involve her father, maybe tell him that she doesn't want to live with her mother or that she doesn't feel safe with her. I don't know what type of relationship this girl has with her father, or if the father is even living with them or not, and whether he will support his daughters or not. But let the daughters first show more courage in front of their mum and see how it goes. May Allah make their difficulties easier. Ameen
 
Ahmed. said:
Brother you are taking this way out of proportion. In a situation like this there's no need to make a mountain out of what could be a molehill. I say 'what could be a...' because in order to minimise harm its best that both sisters employ their sense of sabr, forgiveness, tactfulNess and deal with this matter in the least harmful way to get it to stop, and then just forgive and forget.
​
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Its not a molehill, child molestation by their own mother is the most heinous crime I could think of but anyways I do agree that they should try to deal with it in least harmful way. Which is to tell their dad about it and get away from their mom. But of course you disagree with that approach because according to "your Islam" Islam prohibits daughters to share any such thing with their father because of "Haya." In reality Islam does not prohibit this at all.

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Ahmed. said:
Blimey It's her mum we're talking about here, who's probably otherwise good to her daughter in every way and she so seriously messes up only in this way so the Muslim humane aspects of loving one's mum and compassion and mercy in heart of forgiving mum and overlooking this unfortunate episode in their life should prevail
​
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A person who molests her own daughter, can't be good to his/her kids. I would not risk staying with such a sick person for a minute even if she is my mom. Only possibility is if she truly repents and be a good Muslim.

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Ahmed. said:
I'm afraid your dramatising too much brother based on how the kuffar deal with it, Muslims are different brother, Muslims are something else :)

Don't get me wrong, this is a very serious evil that's happening, but it's in the best interest of the family that harm is minimised while dealing with it
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I know where are you coming from. I know it hurts when family breaks apart. But your yardstick of understanding Islam is different in different cases.

Not a long ago, you insisted that if a person gives three divorce in one sitting then that's considered as final divorce. A mistake of one human being costs the whole family. Especially when more than 50% of such divorce cases say that they really did not mean to get separate or give divorce. Both husband and wife in many cases still want to live together as married couple but that mistake of few seconds is such a big deal in "Your Islam" that you are totally fine in breaking the family. Let the mom suffer because her husband made the mistake of saying three words in one sitting and let their kids suffer because of the small mistake their dad made.

On the other side, in this case you are okay to let mother continue her abuse because you don't want family to break and suffer. Both cases I mentioned are related to family and your yardstick to of Islamic understanding is different in both cases. I will leave it up to you to judge your own judgements.
 
I wonder if Ahmed. would have the same point of view if that parent is the actual father and not mother? Assume it is the father who is [post edited]

...would Ahmed. then say the same thing or would he demand that the father be hanged by a rope or rally for divorce?

Just wondering...
 
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I have read all of your advice and I agree that telling the father no matter how difficult should be the next course of action, and I do think contacting the authorities is a last resort. Lastly, this often occurs when she is sleeping, and she wakes up to this so she can't always defend herself. Thanks for your advice and concern in helping me address this issue, may Allah make it easy for her help heal this girl and straighten out the mum.
 
HabibUrrehman said:
How can you be so short sighted? She is already being abused in her own house. That's fine with you, it is also okay with you if she shares her story with strangers but its somehow very un-Islamic for her to tell that to her own dad? Where do you read this sort of stuff? [/FONT][/COLOR]


They already tried that and it did not work.

Just WOW! Put yourself in her shoes, if you want to know the pain she goes through. If you can't speak good, may be keep quite.


Next time you see a Muslim raping a girl, just don't say anything because according to you, that's a right thing because you are hiding the sin of a Muslim. I am literally speechless on this interpretation.

only if she is remorseful and changes her attitude. If she is not, then Islam does not ask you to be respectful to such parents. Islamic teachings comes first and what she did to this kid is not Islamic<< PERIOD>>
Which family are you talking about? Family where mother can keep abusing her kids at the name of so called Islam? When kids are not safe at their own home, that means the family has already broken. It is only a matter of time, this girl will most likely run away from this prison if no one hears her pain and agony.

There is nothing personal between you and I and I apologize if anything I said above hurt your feelings. I just can't stand when people provide their own interpretation of Islam to give an advice but in reality, their advice has no basis and no grounds to be found in Islam. Its fine if you want to give any advice, but please don't associate that with Islam. All what you said has nothing to do with Islam and I want to make that clear.

Ma'a Salama
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YES.!I agree with this post. This girl needs some serious help from other people!
 

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