Lost, confused, sad, missing out the point.

[bushido9666]

I just want to give a fast clarification from the begining of this topic:
I am just trying to make sense out of the things I will write, and I try to be obedient as much as I can, so please, don't come up with advices make more dua or read more Quran cause I am doing my best.
Okay so I am a 23 old Muslim by birth, born in a family where Islam wasn't practised at all, except by my mom. The family of my father were never in Islam nor they are now, nor is he. I have a brother who I found was gay when I was 15 years old.
No one knew about it except myself. I was struggling too much to find the path, I smoked weed, drank alcohol, and wasn't much of a religious person.
Then, anxiety happened to me which has been lasting for the last 4-5 years.
I got used to it and I don't have a problem with it, I will bear the problems that I have to face.
What makes me lose sense of religion are mainly two things:
The humanity and love and compassion of my mother towards every being thats on earth, her imaan and her never ending support( and how, even though she has all the qualities of a great and obedient servant, how did she end up having a gay child who will never give her the luxury of having grand kids as all her friends do?
How in the hell, the mothers that are disobedient and changed million partners in their young age got together with husband that respects them, cares for them, loves them?
Unlike my mom whose husband which is my father never showed an ounce of love for her presence?
I have been in Islam for 5 years. Making dua, crying on sajdah, trying to find a way as the Quran gave me a bit of hope, I always think about the ayahs where Allah tells us that a believers will have a good life on this dunya and in the akhirah, and all I can see around me is the believers being tortured the most.
If there is a predestination, God knew He will create my mother
He also knew He will create her son who will be gay (not by choice,he is my brother and I know his past and I know how he acted even when we were young kids who knew nothing about sexual orientation) which happens to be a sin that is so disputed by Allah s.w.t that the people that are gays will be destined to go to eternal Hell, which brings me to a point of wondering if my mom is obedient servant and she deserves Jannah, of what use will it be to her if her son is in jahannam eternally? There are people on this earth that have done so many bad things, I see guys that slept around with a million of girls and are marrying pious and good girls, while I abstained even from masturbating and every chance of me trying to form a relationship with someone is destined to end from the beginning. Is my mom such a bad person that God gave her a gay son?
Is my mom such a bad person that God gave her a husband that will never respect her?
Is my mom such a bad person that she dreams of her two sons having a family and her kissing her grandchildren? While for other people who have done so many sins thats like a normal thing which they are not even grateful for?
This is destroying my imaan, as hard as I try to hold on to it is destroying my inner being and makes me not to keep doing good deeds as I dont see the point of getting to a place of Heaven if my family wont be happy there...who is there except them for me? I am in a big need of help. I dont know the direction anymore. I am lost and I feel like im losing it.

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

It's a shame you are looking away from reading more Quran, as many of your worries are answered there.

The humanity and love and compassion of my mother towards every being thats on earth, her imaan and her never ending support( and how, even though she has all the qualities of a great and obedient servant, how did she end up having a gay child who will never give her the luxury of having grand kids as all her friends do?

Certainly, We shall test you with fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits; but give glad tidings to the patient- those who, when afflicted with calamity say, "truly to Allah we belong and truly to Him shall we return." It is those who will be awarded blessings and mercy from their Lord; and it is those who are the guided ones." [Quran 2:114]

How in the hell, the mothers that are disobedient and changed million partners in their young age got together with husband that respects them, cares for them, loves them?
Unlike my mom whose husband which is my father never showed an ounce of love for her presence?

Believers, there are enemies to you from among your spouses and your off-spring, so beware of them. But if you forgive and overlook their offences and pardon them, then surely Allah is Most Forgiving, Most Compassionate. (64:14)

I have been in Islam for 5 years. Making dua, crying on sajdah, trying to find a way as the Quran gave me a bit of hope, I always think about the ayahs where Allah tells us that a believers will have a good life on this dunya and in the akhirah, and all I can see around me is the believers being tortured the most.

“ The world is a prison for the believer and a paradise for the unbeliever.” Sahih Muslim 2956

Or do you think that you will enter Paradise while such [trial] has not yet come to you as came to those who passed on before you? They were touched by poverty and hardship and were shaken until [even their] messenger and those who believed with him said,"When is the help of Allah ?" Unquestionably, the help of Allah is near. Quran 2:214

The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him): “If a certain status has previously been decreed by Allaah for a person, and he does not attain it by his deeds, Allaah afflicts him in his body or wealth or children.”

Narrated by Abu Dawood, 3090; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in as-Silsilah as-Saheehah, no. 2599.

It was narrated from Anas ibn Maalik (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Great reward comes with great trials. When Allah loves a people, He tests them, and whoever accepts it attains His pleasure, whereas whoever shows discontent with it incurs His wrath.” Narrated and classed as hasan by at-Tirmidhi (2396); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in as-Silsilah as-Saheehah, no. 146

The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Nothing befalls a believer, a (prick of a) thorn or more than that, but Allaah will raise him one degree in status thereby, or erase a bad deed.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5641) and Muslim (2573).

He also knew He will create her son who will be gay (not by choice,he is my brother and I know his past and I know how he acted even when we were young kids who knew nothing about sexual orientation) which happens to be a sin that is so disputed by Allah s.w.t that the people that are gays will be destined to go to eternal Hell, which brings me to a point of wondering if my mom is obedient servant and she deserves Jannah, of what use will it be to her if her son is in jahannam eternally?

Your wealth and your children are but a trial, and Allah has with Him a great reward. [Quran 64:16]

“Indeed, Allah does not do injustice, [even] as much as an atom's weight; while if there is a good deed, He multiplies it and gives from Himself a great reward” [an-Nisa’ 4:40]

There are people on this earth that have done so many bad things, I see guys that slept around with a million of girls and are marrying pious and good girls, while I abstained even from masturbating and every chance of me trying to form a relationship with someone is destined to end from the beginning. Is my mom such a bad person that God gave her a gay son?

“Know that the life of this world is only play and amusement, pomp and mutual boasting among you, and rivalry in respect of wealth and children, as the likeness of vegetation after rain, thereof the growth is pleasing to the tiller; afterwards it dries up and you see it turning yellow; then it becomes straw. But in the Hereafter (there is) a severe torment (for the disbelievers, evil-doers), and (there is) Forgiveness from Allah and (His) Good Pleasure (for the believers, good-doers), whereas the life of this world is only a deceiving enjoyment“. [57:20]

“And if Allaah were to seize mankind for their wrongdoing, He would not leave on it (the earth) a single moving (living) creature, but He postpones them for an appointed term and when their term comes, neither can they delay nor can they advance it an hour (or a moment)” [al-Nahl 16:61]

“And let not the disbelievers think that Our postponing of their punishment is good for them. We postpone the punishment only so that they may increase in sinfulness. And for them is a disgracing torment” [Aal ‘Imraan 3:178]

“Let not the free disposal (and affluence) of the disbelievers throughout the land deceive you.
A brief enjoyment; then, their ultimate abode is Hell; and worst indeed is that place for rest” [Aal ‘Imraan 3:196, 197]

Is my mom such a bad person that God gave her a husband that will never respect her?
Is my mom such a bad person that she dreams of her two sons having a family and her kissing her grandchildren? While for other people who have done so many sins thats like a normal thing which they are not even grateful for?

In the hadith narrated from Abu Sa‘eed al-Khudri (may Allah be pleased with him), who said: I said: O Messenger of Allah, which people are most severely tested? He said: “The Prophets.” I said: O Messenger of Allah, then who? He said: “Then the righteous, some of whom were tested with poverty until they could not find anything except a cloak to put around themselves. One of them will rejoice at calamity as one of you would rejoice at ease.” Narrated by Ibn Maajah (4024); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah.

[*charisma*]

There is so much wisdom in Islam. If your brother is gay, that is not your problem nor your mother's. He is an adult. You can try to help him from refraining from sin, and if he is able to do that Allah will reward him for it. He is being tested with these desires, but at the end of the day they are just desires just like we have our own desires to refrain from. You need to look at your mother's faith. If these difficulties are so great for her, and she is able to keep her faith, why are you struggling? Don't try to carry these burdens for your mom. Let them go and put your trust and faith in Allah. This world is not meant to be the ultimate happiness for us, and no one in this world is worth our downfall, not our children, not our spouses, not our parents, NO BODY. In the end, you will sell everyone because of how great the day of judgement will be. You will only be worrying about yourself. So take heed of this and fix all of the holes you've got in your iman. Your anxiety will go away. Be a model son and a model brother. If you cry from here til the end of time and change nothing, your tears are worth nothing.

[Flawed]

We are all naturally born flawed it's in our nature. Just how you were doing haram things so is your brother. If your brother is gay that's his test and insha'Allah he will find his way back to the Deen down the line. You need need to consider what are you doing with your life?
Are you making it worthwhile ?
Living in shame and despair is a trick from shaytaan. He wants to keep you there so you don't see the clarity that is right in front of you. You are blind folding yourself with the truth. Your mother has iman and that keeps her going but you seem to ignore all of that, why?

You're given two options which you can choose from follow your mum's footsteps and make her proud of you and make sth out of your life. Or you can keep your focus on your brother's haram lifestyle and keep questioning yourself the same questions again and again and reach no conclusion.

Also you need to understand life is a test not a resting place. We are always being tested. Our sins are ways being purified and therefore Allah is always purifying us from our sins Allah always forgives all we have to do is ask for repentance and return to Allah. Allah constantly wakes us up and helps us get back in the right path but yet we humans are so ungrateful for all that Allah has done for is and is still doing for us.
All we want to see is the flaws of others and blame it on Allah but we don't want to see how Allah takes care of us provides for us after we get treated unfairly by others.

It's your life if you want to believe or not it's your choice we can only advice.

Trusting Allah is your best option here and keep on going.

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[Supernova]

Asalaamualaykum

I dont know if you are questioning God or think you are God !!!!