I hate my brother with a passion - am I a bad person?

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m4rouf

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I understand that Islam teaches us to be respectful towards our family especially our elders, but I don’t know how I can do that when it comes to my elder brother.

My brother has denounced his faith in Allah, calling himself an atheist (May Allah guide him). Whether he’ll find his way or not, only Allah can tell I suppose.

This isn’t the reason I hate him. I feel sorry for him because if it but I don’t hate him for it.

My issue is that he’s built up a disgusting Islamophobic attitude and he goes to lengths to attempt to pull others away from Islam along with him. He intentionally distracts people and tries to make them laugh when they’re praying. He makes up nonsense about how fasting is bad for your health. He tries ‘debunking’ the Quran with stupid and misleading atheist articles/videos. He mocks people for reading the Quran. He says my beard is disgusting and that I look like a terrorist.

For too many years, he made me feel embarrassed to call myself a Muslim. I was young and impressionable. I never let my faith go but it seriously impacted on my closeness to Allah. I no longer let him sway my judgement having grown older now, but my younger sister who is still only a teenager is being influenced strongly by him and I’m scared that she’s gradually turning away from Allah too.

I can only pray that Allah will guide him.

For everything he’s done, I have no respect for him and I don’t know if I could ever forgive him for it. I can’t help but think this way.
 
It is perfectly reasonable for you to feel the way you do towards your brother. He is going against Islam and is trying to take others with him. Do your parents know of his actions? Are your parents even religious? If they are, you need to let them know so they can help prevent him from trying to lead your sister astray.

Whatever you do, don't let him bait you into arguments. Always be polite and treat him with respect. If he wants you to debate about Islam, tell him that you're just a layman and are only qualified to talk about it in general.

As for your sister, gift her books about Islam, such as The Sealed Nectar, and books about the Women of Islam. Always encourage her, and try to help her see that the materialistic things of this world really don't matter.
 
m4rouf said:
I understand that Islam teaches us to be respectful towards our family especially our elders, but I don’t know how I can do that when it comes to my elder brother.

My brother has denounced his faith in Allah, calling himself an atheist (May Allah guide him). Whether he’ll find his way or not, only Allah can tell I suppose.

This isn’t the reason I hate him. I feel sorry for him because if it but I don’t hate him for it.

My issue is that he’s built up a disgusting Islamophobic attitude and he goes to lengths to attempt to pull others away from Islam along with him. He intentionally distracts people and tries to make them laugh when they’re praying. He makes up nonsense about how fasting is bad for your health. He tries ‘debunking’ the Quran with stupid and misleading atheist articles/videos. He mocks people for reading the Quran. He says my beard is disgusting and that I look like a terrorist.

For too many years, he made me feel embarrassed to call myself a Muslim. I was young and impressionable. I never let my faith go but it seriously impacted on my closeness to Allah. I no longer let him sway my judgement having grown older now, but my younger sister who is still only a teenager is being influenced strongly by him and I’m scared that she’s gradually turning away from Allah too.

I can only pray that Allah will guide him.

For everything he’s done, I have no respect for him and I don’t know if I could ever forgive him for it. I can’t help but think this way.
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Assalamu Alaikum,

SubhanAllah that's a tragic situation. I feel for you and your family but know that Allah will reward you for your patience regarding his behaviour.

As the brother mentioned it is important that you and your family get together in condemning his actions. It is one thing to fall into disbelief but it is another to ridicule the Deen of the rest of the family and convince them that they are upon error. Your family must not stand for this and it is justified in such a situation to ostracise him based on his disbelief and especially behaviour.

If you and your family have tried everything and he has not changed his ways and he will cause harm upon you and your families practice of the Deen especially your younger sister then he should be disowned until he comes back to his senses.

You may also visit him every now and again to give him Dawah or by sending him reminders but he will remain a danger to you and your families imaan particularly your sister.

If this is not possible for your family at present then you should do everything in your power to protect your sister from his harm. However do not get angry or aggressive towards him. Still treat him with respect as he is your elder, but be firm in that you will not allow him to negatively impact upon the imaan of anyone else in the household especially your sister. This must be a family effort. If not your immediate family then try and get the help and support of other family members. Especially to make your immediate family see sense in this situation.

Guidance is not in our hands. Beg of Allah and ask if him for his help especially during these blessed days and nights and ask of him to protect your sister and your whole family against the negative effects of his behaviour. Also never stop asking if Allah to guide him back to Islam. However if he persists in his disbelief then it is from his own doing and there is a painful punishment for the disbelievers. Particularly those who had imaan then went into disbelief. For them their recompense will be the fire.

May Allah save us all from such a horrific predicament and may he protect you and your families imaan and make him see sense of his erroneous ways. Ameen
 
Hamza Asadullah said:
Assalamu Alaikum,

SubhanAllah that's a tragic situation. I feel for you and your family but know that Allah will reward you for your patience regarding his behaviour.

As the brother mentioned it is important that you and your family get together in condemning his actions. It is one thing to fall into disbelief but it is another to ridicule the Deen of the rest of the family and convince them that they are upon error. Your family must not stand for this and it is justified in such a situation to ostracise him based on his disbelief and especially behaviour.

If you and your family have tried everything and he has not changed his ways and he will cause harm upon you and your families practice of the Deen especially your younger sister then he should be disowned until he comes back to his senses.

You may also visit him every now and again to give him Dawah or by sending him reminders but he will remain a danger to you and your families imaan particularly your sister.

If this is not possible for your family at present then you should do everything in your power to protect your sister from his harm. However do not get angry or aggressive towards him. Still treat him with respect as he is your elder, but be firm in that you will not allow him to negatively impact upon the imaan of anyone else in the household especially your sister. This must be a family effort. If not your immediate family then try and get the help and support of other family members. Especially to make your immediate family see sense in this situation.

Guidance is not in our hands. Beg of Allah and ask if him for his help especially during these blessed days and nights and ask of him to protect your sister and your whole family against the negative effects of his behaviour. Also never stop asking if Allah to guide him back to Islam. However if he persists in his disbelief then it is from his own doing and there is a painful punishment for the disbelievers. Particularly those who had imaan then went into disbelief. For them their recompense will be the fire.

May Allah save us all from such a horrific predicament and may he protect you and your families imaan and make him see sense of his erroneous ways. Ameen
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yes absolutely right you may pray him.
 
What is his age? When did he pick up these ideas? Usually Leftist universities in Muslim countries have strong anti-religious Marxist presence and they strongly influence freshmen students to adopt atheism and put immense pressure and bullying, along with taunting conservative students by calling them terrorists, extremists, etc.

He might have gotten himself involved in some marxist group, and even though he didn't pick up ideas of Marxism he took the anti-religious sentiments very strongly. He sounds like more of a new atheist like Dawkins or Sam Harris, than Marxist atheist. Does he keep talking about Che Guevara, Lenin, anti-capitalism, etc?

Usually like in the US there's a saying, Young people vote Democrats, when they get older they vote Republican. Similarly many of these atheist muslims break away from atheism after they leave University and get a job and family, and they either become Friday muslims or may become more conservative. Secularism still leaves a strong imprint on them.

Google "Mahmudul Hasan Shohag", you'll find a guy with a big beard. He was once a harcore new atheist, from the biggest engineering Universities in his country. So people can change, maybe your brother will change. Not all possess the ability to be objective or mature much later in their life and understand harsh realities of life. Many are too taken in by Liberal idealism, Humanism, etc which are fictional ideals cooked up by French philosophers.
 
New Atheists are worse than other radicals because other radicals are self-aware but New Atheists think they are holding the "normal" position where they infringe other people's rights and personal space and beliefs. Generally these people can't be reasoned with because they are incredibly fanatical and delusional. They think they figured out the world because they watched videos from Sam Harris, and now think they are smarter than anyone else. They also think they are more intelligent than religious people on the basis of their atheism, and morally superior because they hold vague humanist ideals.

Generally fanatical people of any type can't be reasoned with. But new atheist fanatics won't accept anything you have to say with the sole basis that because you're religious you're dumb and you have nothing important worth saying to him.

You either have to wait for them to age out of it, or let life hit them like a train as it usually does with fanatical, delusional people. There are harsher solutions, but I'm giving you the modern ones. Rest depends on your parents.
 
Feminism has no place in classical islam, but if those weird feminist islam and the Mogaheds are needed to keep your sister in islam, then do that as a last resort. Scorched earth tactics you know. She will be saying things like "all men are trash" and "bring down the patriarchy" but atleast she'll be using "islamic" justifications when she does that.
 
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If patriarch meaning the front is men, where in TVs you see men's face as 99%, where men lift heavy objects, go at wars, are protectors of women and children, where you kill two sheep for a boy and one for a girl, where men should be out there running business, taxi drivers are men, where all prophets are males and there are no place for a female to be a prophet, where Athan is done by a man and no women allowed to do Athan and when revelation and books was send to men and not to women and the best of creation of the entire world, better than paradise itself is actual human male (prophet peace be upon him) and not female (since no females are prophets) then yes Islam is a patriarch religion. Any feminist have a negative thing to say that and hate it they can have their own religion and worship false female Goddesses all they want and wage war against masculinity. Or if they want, they can declare war against Allah himself for creating masculinity. Allah will bring his army and the feminist female will bring theirs. The only prayer I have is I want to pray to Allah that I be part of his army. What honor to be under his army and fight for sabellah'llah. I would do for Allah. I would sell my soul to him. I would sell my body to him. I would sell my wealth to him. If Allah gifted me with 30 sons and 30 daughters I would sell them all to him. If Allah gave me 8 trillion dollars I would do zakkah for his pleasure and spend all 8 trillion for sabella'llah and not even waver an inch.

Allah have given so much for women and there are still feminist out there who object with Allah's decree. Truly amongst humanity we are truly the most ungrateful. We truly deserve and earned the COVID-19 by our own hands.
 
CuriousonTruth said:
What is his age? When did he pick up these ideas? Usually Leftist universities in Muslim countries have strong anti-religious Marxist presence and they strongly influence freshmen students to adopt atheism and put immense pressure and bullying, along with taunting conservative students by calling them terrorists, extremists, etc.

He might have gotten himself involved in some marxist group, and even though he didn't pick up ideas of Marxism he took the anti-religious sentiments very strongly. He sounds like more of a new atheist like Dawkins or Sam Harris, than Marxist atheist. Does he keep talking about Che Guevara, Lenin, anti-capitalism, etc?

Usually like in the US there's a saying, Young people vote Democrats, when they get older they vote Republican. Similarly many of these atheist muslims break away from atheism after they leave University and get a job and family, and they either become Friday muslims or may become more conservative. Secularism still leaves a strong imprint on them.

Google "Mahmudul Hasan Shohag", you'll find a guy with a big beard. He was once a harcore new atheist, from the biggest engineering Universities in his country. So people can change, maybe your brother will change. Not all possess the ability to be objective or mature much later in their life and understand harsh realities of life. Many are too taken in by Liberal idealism, Humanism, etc which are fictional ideals cooked up by French philosophers.
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Wow, thank you for that bit of hope. He is 29, 30 very soon. I think he got mixed in with the wrong people maybe when he was in his early 20s / late teens. But I do really pray that Allah can forgive him and guide him.
 
Avis said:
It is perfectly reasonable for you to feel the way you do towards your brother. He is going against Islam and is trying to take others with him. Do your parents know of his actions? Are your parents even religious? If they are, you need to let them know so they can help prevent him from trying to lead your sister astray.

Whatever you do, don't let him bait you into arguments. Always be polite and treat him with respect. If he wants you to debate about Islam, tell him that you're just a layman and are only qualified to talk about it in general.

As for your sister, gift her books about Islam, such as The Sealed Nectar, and books about the Women of Islam. Always encourage her, and try to help her see that the materialistic things of this world really don't matter.
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Thank you for this. I’ll do my best, but it’s really difficult.

My parents are religious to the point where they pray and fast etc. but they give my brother way too much freedom in my opinion.

About a couple of weeks ago, for the first time in years, my sister sat down with my mum (with her own free will) and read Quran. It was so beautiful, I teared up after seeing it. My mum and I don’t want to let her feel any pressure to jump into reading Quran everyday or anything so we’re being super gentle and cautious. We’ve been leaving the Quran out for her and I’ve been sort of hinting at how good some of the Quran apps are these days. It’s a bit like a stealth operation. Inshaallah she’ll pick up on this again. She used to read the Quran often and she used to love it. She was able to read really well too.

I like that idea about the Women of Islam books, my sister does tend to have a slight feminist perspective so maybe something like that would catch her attention.
 
CuriousonTruth said:
New Atheists are worse than other radicals because other radicals are self-aware but New Atheists think they are holding the "normal" position where they infringe other people's rights and personal space and beliefs. Generally these people can't be reasoned with because they are incredibly fanatical and delusional. They think they figured out the world because they watched videos from Sam Harris, and now think they are smarter than anyone else. They also think they are more intelligent than religious people on the basis of their atheism, and morally superior because they hold vague humanist ideals.

Generally fanatical people of any type can't be reasoned with. But new atheist fanatics won't accept anything you have to say with the sole basis that because you're religious you're dumb and you have nothing important worth saying to him.

You either have to wait for them to age out of it, or let life hit them like a train as it usually does with fanatical, delusional people. There are harsher solutions, but I'm giving you the modern ones. Rest depends on your parents.
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Totally agree, that just about sums him up. He looks down at people for having faith, he’s so clueless.

He already suffers major depression, he lost his job and he’s in huge debt. On the contrary, he knows that I’ve got a pretty good job and am happy. I’m really happy. I know it’s not quite as black and white as that because Allah works in his own divine ways. But why my brother still can’t stop and try to understand what’s going on is beyond me.
 
CuriousonTruth said:
Feminism has no place in classical islam, but if those weird feminist islam and the Mogaheds are needed to keep your sister in islam, then do that as a last resort. Scorched earth tactics you know. She will be saying things like "all men are trash" and "bring down the patriarchy" but atleast she'll be using "islamic" justifications when she does that.
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Haha that’s funny but actually quite clever too. That might actually work. My sister does have a bit of a feminist side. Thanks.
 
m4rouf said:
Totally agree, that just about sums him up. He looks down at people for having faith, he’s so clueless.

He already suffers major depression, he lost his job and he’s in huge debt. On the contrary, he knows that I’ve got a pretty good job and am happy. I’m really happy. I know it’s not quite as black and white as that because Allah works in his own divine ways. But why my brother still can’t stop and try to understand what’s going on is beyond me.
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Strange usually people in trouble become more religious.

Perhaps because he is in so much trouble he feels his unique atheist and anti-theist identity is the only that makes him feel special. And the more trouble he gets in the more radically he holds onto it, because this is the only thing he has left, that makes him feel good about himself.
 
CuriousonTruth said:
Strange usually people in trouble become more religious.

Perhaps because he is in so much trouble he feels his unique atheist and anti-theist identity is the only that makes him feel special. And the more trouble he gets in the more radically he holds onto it, because this is the only thing he has left, that makes him feel good about himself.
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Maybe, who know what runs through his mind
 
I posted a few other replies but looks like they’re still pending moderation. In the meantime, thank you all for your advice and kind words.
 
Amazing news - my sister asked me about which imams she could watch on YouTube. Any suggestions?
 
eesa the kiwi said:
Wa lilahil hamd

I would recommend Muhammad tim humble

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTsey7p1BAigPbHMof1-f-g

Al madrasatu umarriyah are running a bunch of free short courses this Ramadan
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmTqZ28TaM7V_g7uJVuBAMw

Mufti Menk has some good stuff and is really passionate about Islam
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yes I also have followed him.

[TABLE="class: grid, width: 100%, align: center"]
[TR][TD] Muhammad Tim Humble - YouTube
The official channel of Muhammad Tim Humble, with brand new videos uploaded regularly. Please subscribe and share. All new videos recorded by Muhammad Tim an......[/TD][/TR][/TABLE]
 
I think many women follow Yasmin Mogahed, i don't think she's an imam, but I've heard women listen to her. I guess you could start there, and as a female she might be more receptive to a female preacher than male preacher. Young girls don't like to be 'mansplained' nowadays.
 
I dont watch lectures much these days but I did watch a few by Mufti Menk and I like them. I just saw he has daily and weekly lectures on Youtube.

For the OP, May Allah grant your brother and sister guidance and keep their eeman firm
 
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