I am usually the one who tries to be a good person. I'm usually the one to forgive and turn the other cheek. I don't wish harm on anyone and I do my absolute best to avoid hurting anyone. I stay away from sin as best I can. I'm not perfect but being human is no excuse for remaining a crappy one. I try to be better today than I was yesterday. I try to be a better muslim, a better human and just try to be a good part of Allahs creation.
I pray my five with absolute rigidity. I don't mess with my Salah and I don't let anything mess with it. I pray witr after Isha, I pray qiyam before I sleep and when I do get up, I pray tahajjud before fajr. Because I read that qiyam is prayed before sleeping and tahajjud after. I'm not taking any chances so I pray both. I pray at sunrise. Right now in the winter months, there are sometimes only two hours between each prayer. And those two hours I spend learning arabic, studying islam and learning as much as I can. If I'm not doing my housework. I help whenever, whoever and where ever I can. Just basically try to stay morally correct and not be a donkey.
I don't go out. I don't "mix" or talk to people. I don't watch tv or scroll social media. Matter of fact, I live like a little hermit, isolated somewhere in the deep woods where nobody ever goes.
Except that there is still a life and there is life inside me!! And it's that life that hurts.
I chose to make my circle tight and gave up on "friends" who were no good for me. I gave up on all the "fun" stuff. All of it. I was not born Muslim. I was guided by the truth. No person spoke to me or gave me any kind of talk. I wasn't asked by anyone about my relationship with the Lord. Everything I've learned so far has come from sleepless nights and exhausting days of alternating between not wanting to be on this planet and deep soul/Google search sessions. I was graced and blessed with the insight to realize I was completely lacking and lost. And all it took was my life to fall apart!
The day I chose to read the quran was the day I finally did something right. I was finally on the right track. And I realized what I was missing my entire life. Truth. Faith.
The day I spoke my shahada was the day the truth about my life really hit me in the face. And there's no denying the truth, no matter how much we want to.
The day I tied on that hijab and went out with it for the first time was the day I realized Allah would be my only protector and guardian in this world. My only friend. My wali.
Yet as much as I try, no prayer, no studies, no writing can take away the pain of being completely rejected and cast away by those I love the most. I don't cry about losing my friends, my job or all of my money. I can still eat and I've still got a roof over my head. A new job will turn up eventually. I hope soon.
My family was all I cared about. But they chose a different world that doesn't have space for me. Now I have Allah. I shouldn't be lonely but I am. I shouldn't feel hurt but I do. I shouldn't cry but those tears burn like acid inside. I never heard of anything that burned hotter than those kind of inner tears. Except hellfire. May Allah protect us all from the flames and the torment of the grave
I look in the mirror and I see my reflection.
I see that Allah makes no mistakes, even if I do. And I see that I can look at myself, look my reflection right in the eye (with my good eye anyways, the other isn't is so good anymore) and know I am not anyone's unqualified opinion of me.
I do not know what goes on in the hearts and minds of those who hurt me so deep. I don't know what I did to receive such punishment from them. But I repent from all of it. And what's more is I assume 100 liability and responsibility for my actions. And if it wasn't my fault for them just being horrible people, it's still my fault because I chose to let them hurt me.
Islam states clearly the ruling on family ties and marriage. I did not break the rules. But I cannot change others. They broke the rules and cut me off. And they burned their bridges while I was still trying to cross over to reach them.
I will pray for them; their safety, health, healing, comfort and that allah may guide them. Always. I don't know what else to do.
If it's written for me to be alone, I can only pray that Allah will take the pain of loneliness and replace it with acceptance
Because loneliness kills.
So big, long post just to ask you mention me in your duas
Please, please pray for me that I don't ever lose my faith. If I lose that, I will have really lost everything.
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