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View Full Version : Did my husband have an emotional affair? What do I do

12-20-2020, 07:40 AM

My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years with an 8 month old. We have had lots of tension and arguments throughout our marriage but there has been some good times. my husband has complained that I am emotionally unavailable and that has led to us being really disconnected physically emotionally and mentally. when we first started speaking before marriage I told my husband that I would never be okay with a second wife.he also told me that he was never in love with anyone or had a serious relationship with anyone before marriage. just 3 months ago he started doing therapy for his own personal reasons and he opened up to me about a girl that he met online in 2016 in a different country. he talked about how this girl was someone that he could open up to and felt emotionally connected to which is something that he never felt with me according to him. I would ask him what this girl's name was and he would refuse to tell me which I thought was very strange. I found old posts that he made not directly to her but it basically mentioned that he and her could not get married he was really sad about that and they tried many times but her parents would not allow it because they were racist and how heartbroken he was about that. he did write this post months before he even met me so I understand that there's nothing I can really do about that. I was just completely shocked that this person existed and he's just now telling me because obviously it meant a lot to him and the fact that I'm being compared to her is really really worrisome.

fast forward a month ago he started acting really cold to me more than usual and distancing himself for me so I had a feeling and I found an email that he sent to her that asked her to call him.as you can imagine now this girl isn't just someone from his past it's someone that's actively in the present. I confronted him about it very angrily as you can imagine and he he would not give me any details until I told him that I found the girls email and that I'm then emailing her. he told me they only spoke twice and when I would ask him if they ever FaceTime he never would answer the question.

through email the girl later told me that they have been talking for 4 weeks on and off and for the last week more consistently I asked him what it was about and he said that he only spoke to her in regards to her being a possible second wife. she did reach out to him first and he replied that he was married with a child but he initiated the second wife idea. they both confirmed that they were on and off about it mainly because he was worried about how affect our daughter. she also revealed to me that he said that we live separate lives and that we only communicate about our daughter which is not true we were sleeping in separate bedrooms mainly because of my daughter sleeping habits but we still spent time together during the day and be normal and I would to talk to him and try to connect with him and literally the afternoon before I found that email he was threatening me with divorce and separation.

I also found blog posts that she made online that were very deep they were talking about how he belonged to her and how she would dream about him and though the post weren't directed towards him they were made in the recent time period they were speaking. I think the girl agreed to be a second wife but she only felt comfortable because she was under the impression that our marriage was falling apart she had her own intentions.

in her email she would Express that she was sorry and that she will never contact him again.after I told him what she would reply I think he realized that she was not loyal and that's the only time he started being nice to me except recently again because obviously I'm upset and I'm not going to let this go and we already have problems before I don't understand how he could even think that he could do this behind my back.

they also FaceTime which I believe is completely unnecessary and he even told me that she complimented him. I'm extremely sad and I feel like a second choice now that this girl is out of the picture by her own decision what does that mean about me?

also before the girl said that she would never contact him again and definitely we both agreed to take some space and that he would honestly think about what he wants in life and what I would want meaning divorce but again once he saw that she would not be an option that's when he turned his tune and now he wants to bring up everything that was wrong with our marriage before her but all those things were fixable.

Now we're thinking about marriage counseling which is something that I had pushed for before but how am I supposed to get over this recent betrayal. I'm completely devastated hurt and I never ever thought that this would happen to me.

i feel extremely devalued he even said that he was going to bring it up to me and if I said no then he would have dropped it but literally that day you were telling me you wanted to divorce me before I even found out about any of this and also he had been very cold to me and telling me he is already out the door.

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12-20-2020, 10:00 PM
i feel extremely devalued he even said that he was going to bring it up to me and if I said no then he would have dropped it but literally that day you were telling me you wanted to divorce me before I even found out about any of this and also he had been very cold to me and telling me he is already out the door
Can you rephrase this sentence? I don't get what you're trying to say in here.

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I'm sorry it seems like you are going through a really tough time right now. The first thing I want you to know is that what your husband did was impermissible. Now I don't know how he found that girl online in the first place, but he should not be freely talking/emotionally opening up to any random non mahrem female. Look at the impact that it caused. After he started talking to another girl, he started becoming more cold, which is wrong of him to do. I'm sure you've already confronted him about this. On top of that, he also lied to both you AND the other girl he was talking to.

You've already told your husband b4 marriage that you don't want a co-wife, you need to rebring this up to him. If he made a promise to you, he should keep it. It is good he stopped talking to the girl, but you said he only stopped talking because she isn't a very loyal girl. Tell your husband about this. Let him know that he shouldn't look for another wife because it's something you clarified with him. You also need to talk to him about how he should've stopped talking to that girl in the first place, not just because she wasn't the loyal girl he wanted. He could possibly do the same thing with another girl if he gets the chance.

Now, one thing to think about is if there has been anything wrong you've done. I am not excusing his behavior by the way.

He said that you were emotionally unavailable to him? Is this true? Have you made an effort to help him with his problems? If it does get too much, you said he has a therapist right? So I say you should try to help him with his issues, and leave the overwhelming stuff up to his *MALE* therapist. Do you know how you have been emotionally unavailable to him? Ask him about it

Another thing, you two need to calmly talk things out without getting too heated. Let him consider the fact that it is harder to be emotionally available to someone who betrayed you. He started being cold especially when he started talking to that girl. He is wrong as well. Ask him how he would feel if you did the same thing to him

And most importantly, get a Muslim marriage counselor. You can talk about all your concerns. And if you are thinking about divorce, you can bring it up and settle it with the counselor and hear them out.

He really has no excuse for what he has done because he freely talking to a non mahrem female in ways he shouldn't have. He had his own therapist, going to another girl will not solve his problems. Especially if you have tried to help him emotionally. Has he tried coming out to you for help with his problems?

12-20-2020, 10:08 PM
Assalamu Alaikum,

Try and fix it. If he felt emotionally distant from you then there is a problem between you both in communication.
However, I do think you should also be realistic. If you are unable to be there and are disconnected, then I don't think its fair on him to have to feel like he has to stay in that marriage, because honestly what's the point? So either fix it and be there for him, allow him to get a second wife (which is not haram and will give you both space), or get divorced.

With that being said, what he did was wrong regardless of the issues between the two of you. Now that everything is out in the open and you know more about his past, you can have an open honest conversation. Use it as an opportunity to understand him better. If he is against being fully honest and does not work towards regaining your trust, then the problem is not you and maybe never was. Take time to reflect as well about your needs. Although not all hope is lost. Accept it as a learning experience or a sign. Better now than later.

12-21-2020, 04:06 PM
With all the advices above,don't forget to pray istekhara about whether it's better to stay with him or divorce- pray it regularly for few days & ask ALLAH for a sign.

May Allah guide us all & bless the oppressed with victory& May Allah protect you & us all,Aameen Ya Rabb

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