How do you deal with an angry, controlling, blackmailing mother?

[SintoDinto]

When my mother is angry, she is out of control, and she has even been known in the past to smash laptops and other things. She doesnt do that anymore, but she gets what seems to be borderline or "psycho" rage, and cant be calmed down, and makes me so upset, but lately ive gotten better at calming myself down and being patient, saying she's an older middle aged lady and she has a lot of work and worries and often has hormones out of whack and i as the only man living with her need to take it, but she always breaks my heart, and i am sensitive by nature. our main issue is my school, and she claims ill never marry the girl i want if i dont work diligently in school, in her perfectionistic style, where she almost wants me to be a minime version of her, and she blackmails me by saying she wont marry me off, saying later in defense when i say it's non negotiable, that "only a dumb girl would want to marry a man without a degree". please help me. i should mention by mom had menopause induced by surgery, but i feel like her menopause should be over. i even did research on it and tried remembering the earliest to latest she could have had the surgery because i dont remember. i also feel it may be emotional or a personality thing. or a motherly thing.

[xboxisdead]

Allah akbar, and look how you are handling the situation. For one thing, you are not insulting Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) or saying he hates men (authobillah). You are here trying to resolve the issue and seek help in proper matter, even if your mother is truly amongst the most difficult people to be around with. Brother, I am afraid such situation like this is hard to resolve in public forum. Domestic issue, especially between parent and child should be seek by professional help. Find a trusting scholar from amongst your community who can help you. The only advice I can give is that since you are a male, mother or father have no right to prevent you marriage. You are an adult since age of puberty's and only you can marry or not marry without permission of your parent. Only females need permission of walli to get married. Second, if women will only marry you for your degree, wealth and power, do me a favor throw them all in bin (even if 99.99% of female population on Earth are like that). These type of women are garbage. A woman should marry you for your deen and character and not because of wordily things like degree, power, wealth or fame or even beauty alone. If it is true what your mother says, you are better of single and marry in paradise than here. Let these women be "empowered" and strive and work and slave and labor like a man so they can enjoy little of this world. You are better off without them.

[Sakib66]

Man....Take your mom to a psychiatrist. She needs help

[Revert alYunani]

"only a dumb girl would want to marry a man without a degree"

From which garbage bin do people who say this take this rubbish from?
Certainly a woman of good character and with capacity to think would not look at his wealth or degrees.I have met all kinds of people in my life, and i know all kinds of people. Ive talked deep from people with people to people who count with fingers, and i learnt more about life from those who didnt have a degree than those who had.None of the prophets or sahaba had a degree,would these ladies who look at the degree, reject a sahaba or a prophet?
And dont say it was another time. Doctors existed at that time, architects existed, many noble professions existed, yet the prophets were poor shepards but were the best of people. What you learn in life you dont learnt at school.

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[SoldierAmatUllah]

"yet the prophets were poor shepards but were the best of people. What you learn in life you dont learnt at school."
Don't call Prophets poor shepherd although they were shepherds but calling them poor is sheer disrespect.

Hopefully you understand,InshAllah

[xboxisdead]

"yet the prophets were poor shepards but were the best of people. What you learn in life you dont learnt at school."
Don't call Prophets poor shepherd although they were shepherds but calling them poor is sheer disrespect.

Hopefully you understand,InshAllah

Poor is not an insult or a negative connotation. The prophet (peace be upon him) could easily have the riches of the world, he could have chosen to the richest human being on planet Earth that no one could supersede him in wealth until end of time. He choose not too for a reason, for a hekma to teach man kind a value-able lesson.

[Revert alYunani]

POOR

1.lacking sufficient money to live at a standard considered comfortable or normal in a society

2.of a low or inferior standard or quality.

3.deserving of pity or sympathy.


I meant the first one

[SoldierAmatUllah]

We know this but it's against adab.

We can say RasulAllahi SallAllahualayhe wasallam did not like comfortable and luxurious living but whatever you write maintain adab In it.Choose words carefully

[FinalNyc]

I think space would do you good to let both of you reflect on things, and maybe you can talk when things are pondered upon.

[xboxisdead]

By the way, this idea of only dumb girl marrying men without degree...let me ponder further into it. If we take this logic and apply it full force we could come to tis conclusion. That there is a social class structure. Superiority comes in intelligence, wealth and power. Therefore, the smart, powerful and rich is superior over the dumb, weak and poor, therefore slavery is accepted, mistreatment is accepted, and the poor, weak and dumb gets oppressed and that is accepted. If that is the case, then women who want powerful men, rich men, smart men, need to be beautiful and attractive. Rich, powerful men could afford better. Why should he buy a defective product. Women are products to be purchased and sold. I have a feeling I have seeing this before...hmmmm......where did I see this before? Uuuh....- scratches hairs - Oh, YEAH! THE TIME OF IGNORANCE before Islam showed up and put a stop to that. Let us use her logic for a moment: men who are born dumb or not so smart he have no choice but to be married to dumb women? So we put the dumb on one side they breed dumb people, is that it? Then we put the smart in one side and they breed smart people? Is that how it should be? Someone explain it to me please. Hmm, what if the person is educated, smart but is a jerk? What if he is a hypocrite? What if he abuses women? What if he is unfit parent? Then if we apply the logic coming from that woman and say, "Well,...he may be abusive, unfit father, not religious and bad character...but he is rich, smart and educated. Therefore he is perfect candidate for marriage and smart women should marry this man!" We will take that man who fails school since he was a boy, couldn't read squad, but hard working, farmer man, who put his hand in dung of animal to fertilize the soil, but man is he of an excellent character, extremely religious, memorize the entire Qura'an, but only have 100 dollars a month worth of money, can't afford a trillion pound wedding, can't provide wealth, etc, but he sure can be a dad and a husband...we will take that man, put him in a black garbage bag and throw him in the bin. Because what we are looking for is intelligence, power and wealth. Character, deen, being of a good person, great husband and father is irrelevant to us with that logic. We don't even care if he is Muslim...as long as he is smart, educated and wealthy NOW THAT IS A SMART women. Serious? I am not so sure what to do here with this logic. I met a father and a boy (his son). His son was healthy when he was born and at age 4 or 5 or something like that, he had an extreme illness which raised his fever to high level. The result ended up damaging his brain, he have extreme learning difficulty and at that age he should be able to formulate sentence and words, he cannot. But he is of good character, sweet boy. Chances are, he will not be a troubled husband. Does that mean he is forbidden marriage and unfit to get married?

[Revert alYunani]

We know this but it's against adab.

We can say RasulAllahi SallAllahualayhe wasallam did not like comfortable and luxurious living but whatever you write maintain adab In it.Choose words carefully

no when a person is the opposite of a rich person its called poor person in english so i will use that word because im speaking english.I dont see how i am not maintaining abad lol.anyways..

[Revert alYunani]

By the way, this idea of only dumb girl marrying men without degree...let me ponder further into it. If we take this logic and apply it full force we could come to tis conclusion. That there is a social class structure. Superiority comes in intelligence, wealth and power. Therefore, the smart, powerful and rich is superior over the dumb, weak and poor, therefore slavery is accepted, mistreatment is accepted, and the poor, weak and dumb gets oppressed and that is accepted. If that is the case, then women who want powerful men, rich men, smart men, need to be beautiful and attractive. Rich, powerful men could afford better. Why should he buy a defective product. Women are products to be purchased and sold. I have a feeling I have seeing this before...hmmmm......where did I see this before? Uuuh....- scratches hairs - Oh, YEAH! THE TIME OF IGNORANCE before Islam showed up and put a stop to that. Let us use her logic for a moment: men who are born dumb or not so smart he have no choice but to be married to dumb women? So we put the dumb on one side they breed dumb people, is that it? Then we put the smart in one side and they breed smart people? Is that how it should be? Someone explain it to me please. Hmm, what if the person is educated, smart but is a jerk? What if he is a hypocrite? What if he abuses women? What if he is unfit parent? Then if we apply the logic coming from that woman and say, "Well,...he may be abusive, unfit father, not religious and bad character...but he is rich, smart and educated. Therefore he is perfect candidate for marriage and smart women should marry this man!" We will take that man who fails school since he was a boy, couldn't read squad, but hard working, farmer man, who put his hand in dung of animal to fertilize the soil, but man is he of an excellent character, extremely religious, memorize the entire Qura'an, but only have 100 dollars a month worth of money, can't afford a trillion pound wedding, can't provide wealth, etc, but he sure can be a dad and a husband...we will take that man, put him in a black garbage bag and throw him in the bin. Because what we are looking for is intelligence, power and wealth. Character, deen, being of a good person, great husband and father is irrelevant to us with that logic. We don't even care if he is Muslim...as long as he is smart, educated and wealthy NOW THAT IS A SMART women. Serious? I am not so sure what to do here with this logic. I met a father and a boy (his son). His son was healthy when he was born and at age 4 or 5 or something like that, he had an extreme illness which raised his fever to high level. The result ended up damaging his brain, he have extreme learning difficulty and at that age he should be able to formulate sentence and words, he cannot. But he is of good character, sweet boy. Chances are, he will not be a troubled husband. Does that mean he is forbidden marriage and unfit to get married?

May Allah bless you.I love this post.You have explained it in an amazing way.I wouldnt even call them smart people.Women who look at the diploma immediately turn me off,because it just shows how dumb they are.A degree is only a paper proving that you have knowledge about a profession.It has nothing to do with knowing about life.Imagine you have phd in any profession you can think of,how on earth would that serve you when it comes to understanding her emotional and physical needs? It makes no sense.
I know a guy who tried so much to get married,everyone rejected him.Now he is a programmer,and all doors are open.This ummah has become pathetic really.SubhanAllah what times we live in..

[Labayk]

Assalaam Alaykum

What is it that your Mother wants from you? Are you going to school now? Do you know tricks to calm her down?

"And not equal are the good deed and the bad. Repel [evil] by that [deed] which is better; and thereupon, the one whom between you and him is enmity [will become] as though he was a devoted friend. But none is granted it except those who are patient, and none is granted it except one having a great portion [of good]." (Fussilat: 34-35)

[SintoDinto]

Assalaam Alaykum

What is it that your Mother wants from you? Are you going to school now? Do you know tricks to calm her down?

"And not equal are the good deed and the bad. Repel [evil] by that [deed] which is better; and thereupon, the one whom between you and him is enmity [will become] as though he was a devoted friend. But none is granted it except those who are patient, and none is granted it except one having a great portion [of good]." (Fussilat: 34-35)

My mom has calmed down and is willing to get me married whenever I am ready, but I informed her I wasn't ready, which she could tell, knowing me well. I honestly don't feel ready to get married, and I lack the money. I also don't feel ok being alone which I learned was an important step in not being codepedent. Im respecting her now, a sign of an accepted ramadan, since i aimed to be more respectful, inshaallah, and shes respecting me.

[Labayk]

My mom has calmed down and is willing to get me married whenever I am ready, but I informed her I wasn't ready, which she could tell, knowing me well. I honestly don't feel ready to get married, and I lack the money. I also don't feel ok being alone which I learned was an important step in not being codepedent. Im respecting her now, a sign of an accepted ramadan, since i aimed to be more respectful, inshaallah, and shes respecting me.

Excellent! Keep to kind treatment of her and keep it up and know that Jannah is at the feet of the mother. May Allah reward you and may Allah Help you to get married inshAllah.