Guilty about sister Losing her way

[anonymous]

I was on a marriage platform with intention of getting married.

I matched with a Sister and we got on well and plan was to get married. I was planning to go see her. I realized that the photos she uploaded were really outdated. The sister was overweight and was deceiving in her photos.

So I had to call it off because I had no attraction for her real image. She was sad and wanted us to remain friends and wanted to still see me. But I refused as it was not proper and haram.

She later reached out me saying she needed help. I gave her money. She wanted us to remain in touch as friends and for me to call her whenever I wanted to. I refused , telling her it was haram as only spoke to her as she was in need.

Again she reached to me yesterday. Asking for help. I again sent her money. But now i noticed she changed alot. In her Whatsapp profile picture, she has her hijab off in lewd clothing. I feel sick that this sister fell of her deen and I'm worried if I'm to.blame for that. I just hope Allah accepts my intention and forgives me.

I deleted her number as I have no reason to talk to her as I only talked to her for the help she needed.

[keiv]

No, I'd say it isn't your fault. It sounds like she already had low self esteem prior to meeting you due to using outdated pics. I'm sure being rejected probably made matters worse. Her changing her ways after the rejection might be her way of trying to get attention and might not necessarily be her trying to rebel or whatever. Yes, what she's doing is wrong but she probably needs help from family or friends. If you know any of her family members, you may want to reach out to them about this.

[Avis]

You didn't cause her to lose her way. She misled you and it seems she was abusing your kindness in order to get some money out of you. You did right by ceasing contact with her. I would also advise you to never send her money again, instead donate it to Muslims in Yemen/Gaza/Syria/China/Somalia.

Also, I know it's not always easy, but I recommend you try to find a wife through a local masjid or through family. People online are very deceptive about who they are and the relationships will suffer down the road. Doing it through the masjid and locally will allow you to do your due diligence about a potential spouses reputation and background.

*Forgot to mention, Allah is the guider of hearts, not us. Our job is only to give the message of Islam as clearly as we can. If she lost her way, she brought it upon herself for if she wanted to be guided, Allah would guide her.

[whitedove]

Sorry I have to speak up here. Avis WHO are you to say she abused his kindness. Do YOU personally know the sister in question, or her story, or anything at all ????!!! No, you do not. Yes there is a chance she could have been using him, but as you do not know, what right do you have to say that he should not have helped her with and instead donate to yemen etc ? Maybe she has kids she couldn't feed, maybe she didn't have for food, how do we know what her situation is. As usual Muslims ASSUMING without knowing facts ! I think the brother has a good heart and was kind. I don't know what her circumstance was and if she was in a really bad situation and desperate, nor do I know whether this woman was honest about it. Yes you cannot keep helping her with money, but I think you did a nice thing with intention to help her. Best thing now is to redirect her to an organisation who can help her, if she is having financial difficulties, otherwise yes cease contact. You have nothing to feel guilty about, as any issues she has, would have stemmed deep from before she met you, psychologically speaking. Helping her was fine as you did that as a good muslim, but continuing to speak to her would be leading her on. Good luck anyway in your search to find the right person inchallah.

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[whitedove]

However I do agree with your comment on online matchmaking being deceptive as people can portray themselves as whatever they wish. I just find it unjust to claim the sister intentionaly used him for money when there is a chance she could have genuinely been in a very bad situation with no one to turn to.

[Avis]

Sorry I have to speak up here. Avis WHO are you to say she abused his kindness. Do YOU personally know the sister in question, or her story, or anything at all ????!!! No, you do not. Yes there is a chance she could have been using him, but as you do not know, what right do you have to say that he should not have helped her with and instead donate to yemen etc ? Maybe she has kids she couldn't feed, maybe she didn't have for food, how do we know what her situation is. As usual Muslims ASSUMING without knowing facts ! I think the brother has a good heart and was kind. I don't know what her circumstance was and if she was in a really bad situation and desperate, nor do I know whether this woman was honest about it. Yes you cannot keep helping her with money, but I think you did a nice thing with intention to help her. Best thing now is to redirect her to an organisation who can help her, if she is having financial difficulties, otherwise yes cease contact. You have nothing to feel guilty about, as any issues she has, would have stemmed deep from before she met you, psychologically speaking. Helping her was fine as you did that as a good muslim, but continuing to speak to her would be leading her on. Good luck anyway in your search to find the right person inchallah.

I didn't say it with certainty, which is why I used the word "seems". I based my opinion of her upon the infromation that the OP has provided. She deceived him with her pictures and she tried to keep him as friends even though it is haram. Yes, there is a chance she was genuine, but this being the internet, it is better to be safe than sorry.

If she was struggling as you think she is, she would be searching for help from the proper sources and not a marriage site and not from some stranger that she tried to deceive.

[whitedove]

Salamualaikum, I never disputed the element of deceit in regards to marriage. But I find it unfair to assume that she tried to get money out of him in a manipulative manner when the details on this have not been shared. You can all disagree with me if you like, but to say she is less deserving of the help in terms of charity than someone else, I'm very sorry but I cannot agree with this. Sometimes when people are stuck, they do turn to strangers in desperation. I'm not saying she is in the right, simply saying as we have no idea what the reason for her needing the money was, why should we assume. If she needed it for food, then it was an act of kindness for another Muslim. We don't know what she was going through. As for the online persona, both men and women can be deceitful in terms of pictures. Again, I definately think this is wrong, but highly doubt it was done with malice. The brother met her, clearly didn't like her and was transparent and honest with the lady so it did not need to go no further. My only contribution here was more on the fact, that her asking for financial help, unless we know her circumstance, not nice to say she was being calculating in this area. I find it of Muslim character to help someone in need if their situation is sincere. Just my opinion.

[whitedove]

I didn't say it with certainty, which is why I used the word "seems". I based my opinion of her upon the infromation that the OP has provided. She deceived him with her pictures and she tried to keep him as friends even though it is haram. Yes, there is a chance she was genuine, but this being the internet, it is better to be safe than sorry.

If she was struggling as you think she is, she would be searching for help from the proper sources and not a marriage site and not from some stranger that she tried to deceive.

Perhaps she wasn't "searching" for help. She could have found herself in the situation after or as she liked the brother ( he does state she would have liked to pursue, it was he, who did not ) ; so perhaps she saw he was good hearted by nature and felt comfortable to ask him. Perhaps she did not have family or any friends or people in the position to help. Maybe she was embarassed of those who knew her to know she was struggling. I don't know her life and nor do you. I mean, could be so many possibilities.

And to the brother who wrote :
If she lost her way, she brought it upon herself for if she wanted to be guided, Allah would guide her.

Please some understanding, society these days is SO hard, so many challenges, hurdles , temptation, so many people ready to stray you off the path. We all have falls, we all have weaknesses, and whilst her removing her hijab is a sin for all to see, I'm sure you all have hidden sins that we do not see. Allah can guide us through each other too, support for each other.

I hope the sister finds her way again, and has good people around her who can help her strengthen her iman and hope if she is genuinely struggling that Allah eases her problems for her. Inchallah