Peace everyone,
I'd appreciate some advice. Your personal anecdotes or a link to a relevant talk would be especially useful as pretty much everything I've found on Youtube around the topic of attraction in Islam is geared towards men. They all say the same thing; go and get married. Yeah, easy for them to say. I realized over time that when it comes to halal relationships, the ball is in the man's court. I know I shouldn't be mad since I guess this makes the woman the prize or whatever, but it does. No, that's an understatement. What about me? What am I supposed to do? UGHHHHH
To be frank, I'm not sick of catching feelings and watching myself sink as it slowly develops into an infatuation, rather the fact that I can do nothing about it. Ok sure, I've come close to mastering the art of lowering my gaze, since it's the only thing that I'm allowed to do, but that alone is pure torture. Not to mention that hovering around them and sensing them interact with other girls is enough to set it off, though not to as great a degree as when I used to not hold back. Still, I just need a way to make this easier. I don't want it to get so bad that I drop out or I lose my sense of self-worth completely, feeling helpless. Am I supposed to keep doing what I'm doing, i.e. be an inanimate brick wall and expect something to happen?
If you've dealt with this, let me know how it went. Is there something I'm missing?
Have a good day
Asalaamu Alaikum,
My dear sister firstly the self worth of women is not defined by their physical attributes, nor by their physical desirability and the attention they receive from other men. Allah has saved the believing women from such enslavement and has given them a high status and has protected them from the shackles of having to compare themselves physically to other women and seeking the attention and desirability from strange men. Women are like protected pearls and it is Allah that has protected women. They are not what society has made them out to be today merely for the pleasure of men. We only need to look at the high levels of depression and suicide of young women in todays society who have defined their self worth by the "likes" they receive from the various pictures they post daily on social media and the attention they receive by the way they dress on the streets. Hence why the self worth of women and men is only defined by their obedience to Allah. He is the source of our self worth as men and women.
We must also acknowledge that the path towards Paradise is certainly not an easy one:
The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said, “Paradise is surrounded by adversity, and Hellfire is surrounded by lusts.” (Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2823)
These trials that we are going through are the very purpose of our lives. This is why we have been created, so that Allah can distinguish between us which of us are best in deeds. So doing that which is good and pleases Allah is certainly not as easy as that which is bad and displeases Allah. This is why whenever we try to do the right thing in terms of obeying Allah and remaining within the acceptable boundaries set by Allah, then it is inevitable that we will feel immense pressure from the constant whispers of shaythan and the inclinations of our Nafs to do the wrong things and to follow our desires. However for those of us who continue to patiently persevere on the right path then it will certainly be worth it:
Allah says: "But those who return to their Lord as believers with righteous deeds will be rewarded with the highest of ranks, the Gardens of Eternity, under which rivers flow, where they will stay forever. That is the reward of those who purify themselves."(20: 75-76)
"Yet still you prefer the life of the world, when the hereafter is better and longer lasting." (Surat al-A'la, 16-17)
"The life of the world is nothing but a game and a diversion. The abode of the hereafter - that is truly Life, if they only knew." (Surah al-'Ankabut, 64)
“And they rejoice in the worldly life, while the worldly life is not, compared to the Hereafter, except [brief] enjoyment.” (Surah Ar-Raad 13:26)
This worldly life is brief and merely transitionary towards the eternal life in the Hereafter. It is worthless to Allah and so it should not be worth so much in our eyes either:
The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said: "By Allah, this world (i.e., its pleasures and duration) in comparison with the Hereafter is (similar to the amount of water) one gets when he puts his finger in the sea. Let him then see what it returns with". (Sahih Muslim: 2858)
We are merely travellers in this world for a short time:
Abdullah ibn ‘Umar said: The Prophet (Sallalllahu Alaihi Wasallam) took hold of my shoulders and said, “Be in this world as if you were a stranger or a passing traveller.” And Ibn ‘Umar used to say, “If you survive till the evening, do not expect to live till the morning, and if you survive till the morning, do not expect to live till the evening, and take from your health for your sickness, and take from your life for your death.” (Al-Bukhāri, 6416)
In fact on the day of Judgement most of us will be in utter regret for not doing many more good deeds when we realise how much more we could have achieved. Therefore we must keep our end goal in our minds at all times. This world is worthless, for it is merely a transitionary phase towards our eternal lives in the Hereafter:
Mu'adh (Ra) narrated that the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said: “The Inhabitants of Paradise will not be grief stricken or sorrowful about anything they did in the life of the world except for the time they spent without being in the remembrance of Allah” (Tabaraani)
Know that if we leave that which is not good for us and causes us to disobey Allah, then he will give us something that is far better than what we gave up:
The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam): “You will never leave something for the sake of Allah, but Allah will give you something better in return.” (Ahmad)
With regards to what you stated saying that "the ball is in the man's court" when it comes to "halal relationships" then what do you mean by this? This is because there is no such thing as a "halal relationship" before marriage. When it comes to interactions between a man and woman then both men and women have the same restrictions in this regard. Both men and women are ordered to speak to one another with the woman's mahram present, whether by phone or in person. Both men and women are ordered to lower their gazes. In fact I would say lowering the gaze is generally harder for men as we are created to be more visually stimulated by the opposite gender.
Then you talk about those guys "interacting with other girls", well it depends in what context you are making this statement because men are not allowed to unnecessarily interact with the opposite gender as much as women aren't with men. If those men are interacting with women unnecessarily then they are not worthy of being considered for marriage anyway. Therefore I am struggling to understand the differences in restrictions in what you have stated between a man and a woman as both of our restrictions in terms of interactions before marriage are the same.
With regards to your last statement about "being an inanimate brickwall" then my sister know one is compelling you to consider yourself as such a thing because both men and women must be very proactive when it comes to finding a spouse. It is wrong for any of us to say "I'll leave it to Allah" and expect the right spouse to fall on ones flap. Well it may happen for some but we must always "tie the camel" as in to make the necessary efforts in order to find a spouse that are within the boundaries set by Allah.
So there is nothing stopping you from exploring the same permissible avenues to find a spouse as for men. The only difference is that you must involve your mahram to monitor your interactions. However at the same time the man must also ensure that whichever female he is interacting in terms of looking for a spouse, then it must be with the woman's mahram present in all interactions. This is of course to safeguard the women. Which other way of life gives such value to women? Whatever Allah ordains is for the betterment of everyone of us.
…Allah intends for you ease and does not intend for you hardship… (2:185)
“…Allah does not intend to make difficulty for you…” (5:6)
…He has chosen you and has not placed upon you in the religion any difficulty… (22:78)
Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity… (2:286)
And Allah wants to lighten for you [your difficulties]… (4:28)
How gracious and compassionate is our Lord who only wants what is best for us. It is only in the Hereafter that we will truly realise the greatness of Allah. So my sister we must keep the end goal in mind at all times and the fact that we only have a very short life and for this short period of patiently persevering through life then we can gain an eternity of bliss:
The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said, “Allah said, ‘I have prepared for My pious worshipers such things as no eye has ever seen, no ear has ever heard of, and nobody has ever thought of. All that is reserved, besides which, all that you have seen, is nothing.” Then he recited:– ‘No soul knows what is kept hidden (in reserve) for them of joy as a reward for what they used to do.’ (32.17) (Sahih Bukhari # 7498)
So it will all be very worth it in the end!
Finally the antidote to many of our miseries in this short temporary life is to remember Allah more than we currently do:
"And whoever turns away from My remembrance – indeed, he will have a depressed life, and We will gather him on the Day of Resurrection blind." (Quran 20:124)
Check out the following videos which I hope will be of great help inshaAllah. I highly recommend Yasmin Mogahed lectures:
You will also find this article very useful:
https://muslimgirl.com/why-learning...self-esteem-was-the-best-thing-ive-ever-done/
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