Wronging a spouse and how to move forward.

[sazi]

I have been married for about 10 years. I have been infatuated with this person for most of my life (why I am not using the word love will become apparent very soon). She has been superior to me in every way, whether it is in being a better person, career, working hard in life etc. In many points in our relationship we had almost ended up putting an end to our relationship because of our vastly differing personalities, however, in almost every instance it was me who begged to continue, vowing to overcome my lackings and make a sincere attempt to do so. While I am a vastly changed person for the better, than the one I would have been, had I not stayed with her,  or never met her, there is one thing that I have repeatedly failed at, and it is the one thing that perhaps matter the most. I have always had a vastly strong libido, to an almost uncontrollable degree, and have had severe issues with viewing explicit materials and masturbating (I will refer to it as just sin moving forward). As a single person, this was my sin to bear, however, as a person in a relationship, it has the added impact of wronging the one I am with. I initially thought it was not wrong of me to do it, as I justified it then due to the decrease of sexual activity in our life. In the first 2 years of our marriage, the need of committing this sin was not there, as there was a lot of intimacy time between us. As we got busier with career and other things, the sexual activity decreased as it does normally and I began to justify being able to commit the sin as I kept feeling the strong urge to do so. Self control is a virtue in Islam, but this one thing I have tried and failed to put in control. My justification to do this was wrong, as I ignored the main thing in whether it was okay to do this, and that is, am I able to tell my partner about this. I always had to do this behind her back, but as always justified it to be okay (it clearly wasn't) and have been caught over and over. Initially I tried to justify in our arguments saying why is it wrong of me to do so, when I am feeling the urge like hunger and I am only pleasuring myself. However, my partner always maintained her stance, is that I am doing this without informing her, which is a breach of trust, and two, she is not okay with me doing this regardless, and if this is the life I want, she is fine if we part ways so I can continue to do this, but if we are together, to her this is cheating, and it hurts her. I have always been willing to do anything for her, but willing does not translate to ability. I have always started with a sincere attempt to not do this again, but have been never been able to maintain it, and at one point, slowly went back to my old ways. Each of our subsequent standoff became worse, and in every one of them she gave me the option to go separate paths so I can do what I want without hurting her, but I refused and wore her down with begging vowing to do better, and I did try every time, but could never make the habit of refraining permanent. One way or another, somehow, that habit sneaked back into my life, and once it did, I would again forget/ignore the promises I made, the consequences of it and get caught and make things worse. Now 10 years into it, and perhaps in our last incident, I have given up the hope that I can be free of committing this. I had thought I could do anything to make her happy, but just not this, and, at the end of the day, this is the only thing that counts. My urge to do this, is stronger than my resolve to do anything for her. I have done anything for her, except being able to permanently eradicate this. I have now realized that in my selfish desire to rid myself of something that I thought I could, I hurt her repeatedly and took away 10 years of her life. I know I don't deserve another chance, nor did I deserve the last few, as it happened over and over, and I always thought maybe I can try something new to get rid of the habit, but nothing stuck in the long term. If for whatever reason, I get another chance, all I will end up doing is hurt her again, while taking away more years from her, so I have accepted that I do not deserve to have her now, or for the years that I even did. However, I am now stuck with the perhaps unforgivable sin of ruining a life. At an age when she would be thinking of having children, I have condemned her to finding another life partner and start life over. There is no way for me to make up for this. I can give her all that we have in wealth, but that will still be nothing. And frankly, that is not even a punishment for me, as I would have never had the life I do, had I not met her, and living a life of nothing means nothing to me, if I can't be with her. She has wished me horrible things, and if that makes her happy, then I do hope Allah gives me those things in this life, even if that makes up just a little bit, because otherwise, there really is nothing I can do to make up for the heartache and the waste of 10 years. I have considered taking my life, because I felt like that would be justifiable, because it would show that I wasn't worthy of this life, and everything I have earned is for her, so it makes sense to not be able to enjoy that, since I didn't deserve it, and two, if I am single, I will succumb to the sin at some point. I did when I was married and being provided intimacy. When my life is completely devoid of intimacy, I will succumb to it more, so at least taking my life would mean, I am not committing the sins that I am going to make. I have spoken to scholars about hypothetical justifiable suicide, but they have said, that under no circumstance is that allowed, as our life is for us to safeguard and Allah has not granted us the right to take it ourselves. It is the gravest of sin, but does that mean I am condemned to live a life of guilt, while also giving in to sin? Regardless of what I do moving forward, I know two things, I will not be able to undo the harm I have done to that one person, and it will haunt me for the end of my existence, and I can try to not commit this sin again, and maybe I will have temporary success, but I will never have permanent success. Many will say that I need stronger connection with God, and resolve, counselling, self control. I have tried, and I eventually cracked everytime. Now I have lost what was my inspiration to refrain from this sin, I know 100% that if I continue living, I will do this again. Only this time, I won't be adding further harm to someone, but I will feel worse after every instance of the sin. I don't blame anyone for not being able to control myself, but I am feeling helpless that I have to continue living a life of sin, and I cannot just exit it to avoid doing more. What am I supposed to do here? She is gone, so I cannot ruin her life more, but how do I fix it, how do I live with myself, and why do I have to live with myself? Living with this sin, perhaps receiving horrifying consequences in this life will allow me to absolve some of the sins I have committed to Allah, but none of that will amount to anything to the life I ruined. Why must the innocent suffer because a person like me existed, and why do I exist and continue to exist, as it will just condemn me deeper and deeper to hell, guilt and punishment? 

[Revert alYunani]

This is everybodies fault.You wont move forward by being so hard on yourself and putting her to piedestal.If i was a married man with high libido who doesnt get intimacy from his wife pretty sure id masturbate too.Not saying it is a normal thing,ofc its not,but its also not the end of the world that you have to kill yourself.Its ok as long as you repent and try to do better.We all have made all kinds of sins but important is to turn back to Allah.

She has wronged you too by letting you come to this point.Cuz the husband is more important than her career and especially if you provide her with all she needs then she is supposed to give you intimacy when you need.If you kept being like in the first two years as you said then all would be good as you didnt do this sin back then.

So dont put her in pedestal,go to therapy together,and most importantly communicate.Tell her why you do this and what she has to do to help you.Fulfill your duties so she can fulfill hers



...and in any case if you really have to do it,then do it without porn.Porn will destroy you and your life and chances to escape it as slim.Dont go near it