Married for one day and I already want to get out

[anonymous]

Assalamualaikum

I come to you brothers and sisters for help. I do not have anyone around me who would be safe enough to discuss this with. I live in a small town in the US and I’m a white convert with not many Muslim friends. I ask that you not judge but give me actionable advice.
I (35m) met a muslima (36f) through online on an app and we talked for one year. She was divorced with one child. I’m divorced with one child too. After talking I realized how much we matched up in religion, goals, and personality. When she sent me her picture, I thought she was pretty attractive. Then some variety of pictures over time made me realize she wasn’t as attractive as I initially thought. It wasn’t that she wasn’t pretty. It was that she had some interesting features on her face that didn’t seem “normal” to me. But I still happily engaged with her for a year and we agreed to meet.

I flew and met her with her family and I realized that she was both attractive and somewhat unattractive. I had no problem with her physically but something threw me off about her nose and her mouth. Still, we clicked so well. We had fun talking and her showing me her city and so on. We realized we needed to do nikkah as soon as possible. Two months later, we finally did nikkah. It was emotional, beautiful, simple. I think anyone would’ve killed to have such a true Islamic nikkah with a small amount of people (her family and friends and my family).

However, underneath all of this, I became more and more anxious. I began questioning if she’s for me because I couldn’t come to accept how her nose and mouth appeared. Her nose was altered to be unnaturally long and straight (due to her previous surgery to fix breathing problems). Her lips were so thin and you could barely see her teeth, even if she was talking or smiling. Her cheeks were so puffy like it sagged a bit. It was too much for me to bear and I developed extreme anxiety. I told myself it was waswas. I prayed and asked Allah to help me overcome these repetitive thoughts. But anytime I looked at her face, I get feelings of repulsion. During the nikkah, many women came and I found all their faces to be acceptable while I couldn’t accept my own wife’s face.

She knew I was acting avoidant. I couldn’t hide it any longer. So I told her what I was feeling. She asked me what it is about her that’s making me push her away. I told her it’s her nose and mouth. It bothers me so much. It overtakes everything else she has — being religious, being faithful, being patient and obedient, smart and independent, sweet and gentle, and very eager to please. She is the textbook definition of a perfect wife. Yet my anxiety and repetitive thoughts and wincing eyes took over my heart leaving no room for warm feelings for my wife.

I thought I was crazy so I asked some people to look at her picture. I asked some people if they noticed anything when they met with her in person. My entire family noticed that her mouth barely moves when she speaks making it hard to read her lips. Few noticed her nose seemed unnatural. But many also said she looks fine. So obviously while beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it turns out that I’m not alone.

After one day of the nikkah, I almost quite literally disappeared. I flew back home being a married man and… stopped talking with her. It has been two weeks and we have barely spoken. She cries everyday, being unable to function normally, begging me to speak with her about this problem. To talk. But I have nothing to say. I’ve said it all. And I feel like it can’t be fixed.

I honestly do not know what to do. She was supposed to come move with me. But a part of me, deep down, doesn’t want her to. I don’t want to live with someone who I can’t stand looking at. I feel like I’m devaluing her when I can’t look at her or interact with her. She doesn’t deserve this. She told me she wants to be beautiful for me. She said she would go get her nose and mouth fixed to the way I want it. She begs me to reconsider and give this a chance. I almost feel like the love I felt for her is all gone now. I feel like I don’t know her anymore.

I’m really worried and I don’t know what to do.

Help, please. Again, no judgment. So do not say that you feel sorry for her. Because I’ve heard of all that before. I need actionable plan or suggestions on how to tackle this for the sake of Allah.


jzk

[Muhammad]

وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

Welcome to the forum, brother.

If you realised you were not attracted to her then you should have ended it there. But now that you are married, give her a chance and at least talk to her, even just about ordinary things. Perhaps being in her company might make you see things differently. But cutting yourself off will make things worse and will allow shaytan to sow further seeds of doubt. You have a responsibility towards her and cannot leave her hanging like this. These are just some thoughts. May Allah سبحانه وتعالى rectify your situation and make things easy for you both, Ameen.