Shirk

[Themuslimah]

Here is my situation.

One year ago, I was starting to get closer to the religion and started to taste the sweetness of faith. I was at peace and had no reason to deviate. But I deviated knowingly. One day I was scrolling on tiktok and found New Age, stuff, meditation, karma and I followed my curiosity aven though I heard an internal "No" like a warning. I got inot these things. I started practicing chakras meditation and watch NDEs, and one day during one of these meditation I felt a hug sense of love, something descending on me and entering my heart. I never felt so much live in my life and thought I was in Heaven. On this moment I put my hands on my heart and said to my heart "Forgive me I never listened to you before that I was feeling good for a month. I knew that these things where not islamic. The problem is that I didn't get to develop regret, remorse for my past sins so I put myself in a difficult situation. I kept looking at these things until It was close to winter time. I started feeling bad, no regrets but like burning. I was waking up feeling burning in my body, thirsty even if I was drinking, a burning feeling on my forehead and one day I was about to fight with a relative but something weird happened. Something like electricity descended from the left side of my brain to my heart and when it got to my heart it squeezed it so tightly, it was the contrary of this feeling of love and opening I got when meditating before. Since then, I have a tight chest, I had waswas on deen and my heart seems reversed. It's attracted to evil and rejects the deen. I tried to repent but I can't feel remorse. The worse is that it tightens when I'm confronted to the deen, quran, prayer ect... As if the truth doesn't want to enter. I don't want to die a polytheist because of my stupid curiosity I don't want to be cursed, have a sealed heart, dead heart. I'm struggling. I'm not sad or depressed but I'm struggling to repent and I fear this is a punishment from Allah because I went astray knowingly. My memory and understanding are bad.I don't know what to do. I stopped all these things, the sins but I can't achieve sincere repentance and worry and shame because I was never ashamed of my sins before that I always had a sick heart but still was in the Mercy of Allah and now I don't know what to do...