Question about discipline children

[Anette]

I hope I will get some educationally answer about this topic. Children are very important to me. Not only my own but children in general. They are very special.

In Sweden we are by laws restricted from discipline our children with any kind of violence since 1974, you cannot hit, use any psychical or psychical violence against any children.

I’m curious regarding what Islam is saying about discipline children?


/Peace

[Salaam]

Salaam, Peace

Hitting and Verbally Abusing Children

[Anette]

Thank you Salaam it was a very good answer to my question.

I'm especially glad for the part about verbal abuse. I do not believe in that either. And the description of the consequences about what a violent upraising could do to a child is exactly what I believe.

But if I can manage to bring up my children just by showing them right from wrong and make them good people is this to prefer?

"It was reported that he himself (peace and blessings be upon him) never hit a child."

I am so glad to hear that.

Regarding this text it is in fact like that in our country. The authority can take the children from their parent if they are abused. But this is not happens when it is not systematically violence and not from one day to another either.

What will happen if a Muslim use violence when it is not proper and more then as a last resort? Are there any ways to stop the parents from doing it?

[UmmKhadi]

Salaam aleikum

This is what I do...

http://www.saferchild.org/tipsfor4.htm

This is from an islamic point of view...

http://www.islamtoday.net/english/sh...sub_cat_id=722

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

[sumay28]

What if the kid's butt gets a little red?

[Anette]

What if the kid's butt gets a little red?

I'm not sure if it is a question to me regarding our safety system for children or a rhetorical question.

Personally I do not think that there is a need to hit children in order to teach them right from wrong. I prefer a respect that does not come from the fear of being hit.

[Takumi]

We usually show the kind of treatment to our kids, what we got as a child.

It's a vicious cycle and one has to be courageous enough to stop it.

What to do when you're angry? Well, it depends. I personally don't spank or hit. Violence MOST OF THE TIME don't resolve issues.

If you're sleeping after a hard day's work and suddenly your toddler comes and jumps on you, being angry while warranted, might cause that toddler his butt. :p

Bring up a hypothetical situation and maybe we can discuss it. There's no cookie cutter solution to anger and its repercussion.

At the end of the day, it's the child who matters most and sadly, it's the child who suffers the most.

[Takumi]

Well, even in the house, we should be able to distinguish DISCIPLINE (a consequence of a rule being broken) and PROCEDURE.

For example, is brushing your teeth before going to bed a PROCEDURE or a RULE of the house?

What we tend to do is to get these two things mixed up.

[Anette]

Salaam aleikum

This is what I do...

http://www.saferchild.org/tipsfor4.htm

This is from an islamic point of view...

http://www.islamtoday.net/english/sh...sub_cat_id=722

Many wise things on the both linked sites. This is something I really likes (among many other things):

"A child needs to feel that he lives in an environment of controlled freedom. He should not live in an atmosphere of constant control and domination so that he represses his feelings and his identity. "

Thank you I will look a bit more closely at this.

[Takumi]

An example of extreme discipline and abuse: A Child Called "It" by Dave Pezler. Read it, after which I don't think you would even want to hit your child.

[Anette]

We usually show the kind of treatment to our kids, what we got as a child.

It's a vicious cycle and one has to be courageous enough to stop it.

What to do when you're angry? Well, it depends. I personally don't spank or hit. Violence MOST OF THE TIME don't resolve issues.

...

At the end of the day, it's the child who matters most and sadly, it's the child who suffers the most.

I have noticed this about kind treatment to the kids. Many times this things has lead to a connection between a Muslim woman and me when we have had children with us. Even if the language is a major issue in not understand each other the kindness toward children need no language to be understood.

Thank you for your answer

[Anette]

An example of extreme discipline and abuse: A Child Called "It" by Dave Pezler. Read it, after which I don't think you would even want to hit your child.

I read “It” and also the other books that come after. It is certainly a book that you do not forget.

[Nasir_bhai]

Well, even in the house, we should be able to distinguish DISCIPLINE (a consequence of a rule being broken) and PROCEDURE.

For example, is brushing your teeth before going to bed a PROCEDURE or a RULE of the house?

What we tend to do is to get these two things mixed up.

i agree and this is something which is vital when disciplining children

[UmmKhadi]

Salaam aleikum

I would never even raise my voice to my kids. And certainly not abuse them by hitting or by words. SubhanAllah. Our kids are given to us by Allah, to take care of them. How can we even think about hurting something Allah gave us?

[sumay28]

I don't have kids, but I have nieces and nephews. I just don't see how they can learn without a beating. Now, I would never smack a kid in the face, or hit them on their backs, or their stomach or chest.. I wouldn't harm them. But their butts are mine. They hurt, they cry, and they get over it. I mean, how do you teach a 1 year old, who has a temper and hits her brothers and sisters, who grabs a fork and nearly pokes her brother in the eye? Do I put her on time out or what? Or what about your 13 year-old boy who steals something from a store? Or when you put a kid on a time out and they deliberately get up? How do you shut up the screaming? Dude. I wasn't hit when I was a kid, but I was a good kid. I listened. But some kids don't work that way.

[Anette]

I mean, how do you teach a 1 year old, who has a temper and hits her brothers and sisters, who grabs a fork and nearly pokes her brother in the eye?

If you always is consequent and telling the child with a firm voice what is wrong han what is right you merely has to grab the hand look into the child’s eyes, looking harsh and say: "This is dangerous and you are not supposed to do this because you can harm your sister/brother".

Do I put her on time out or what?

No child would like to sit down in a place not allowed to play or be a part of what is going on. I did this method before it even had a name. It is all a matter of what is becoming the utter consequence. A child being hit will never know it is for real before that but a child that is put on time out will know that she/he crossed a limit.

Or what about your 13 year-old boy who steals something from a store?

Coming from this by hitting him is a bit easy I think. If, God forbid, my 13 year-old boy steels from a store I would take him to the store and I would make him apologize to the storeowner. After that he would be grounded for a long period of time without any TV, computer etc. just books. He would get plenty of time thinking about what he did wrong.

Or when you put a kid on a time out and they deliberately get up? How do you shut up the screaming?

That’s were the consequence comes in. If you EVERY time take the child back to the time out point they soon realize that there are no use to get up again, ever. Shut up the screaming I do not know, maybe explain as much as they need to know to realize that there are no use for screaming.

That's how I would be handling it. But I do not say that it is the only and the right way but to me it is.

[sumay28]

Personally, I just don't think there is anything wrong with a spanking. I was a good kid, like I said, so I never was spanked or even put on a time out. I was grounded for bad grades and stuff, but otherwise... I was just very good. Some kids just flow that way. But my nieces and nephews... they're monsters. The youngest is only 1 and she's violent, and if you are firm with her she will "talk" back to you (she can't talk yet, but she gives and attitude... it's so cute). Dude... a one year old can't be put on time out. She won't have any idea why she's on a time out or even that she's being punished. I think if you can balance love and affection with dicipline and spanking, it's fine. The kid will hurt for a second, and they get over it really quick... like nothing ever happened.

[UmmKhadi]

I dont even do timeouts... I think thats demeaning to a child.

"Be the person you want your child to be" If you dont want your child to scream, dont scream yourself. If you dont want him to steal, tell him stealing is NOT OK. And show by example, like going to the store and make up with the owner, thats embarrasing...

[Anette]

Personally, I just don't think there is anything wrong with a spanking. I was a good kid, like I said, so I never was spanked or even put on a time out. I was grounded for bad grades and stuff, but otherwise... I was just very good. Some kids just flow that way. But my nieces and nephews... they're monsters. The youngest is only 1 and she's violent, and if you are firm with her she will "talk" back to you (she can't talk yet, but she gives and attitude... it's so cute). Dude... a one year old can't be put on time out. She won't have any idea why she's on a time out or even that she's being punished. I think if you can balance love and affection with dicipline and spanking, it's fine. The kid will hurt for a second, and they get over it really quick... like nothing ever happened.

I know that there are different opinions regarding this. Even in our little country where spanking is forbidden in law there are different opinions.

You’re saying you weren’t hit and were well behaved. Your nephews are getting spanked and misbehave. What is then the use? If it does not helps why even do it? Maybe you were well behaved just because you were never spanked? What is the course and what is the consequence? Who knows?

If they are old enough for an attitude they are old enough to be put on time out :)

The part "kid will hurt for a second, and they get over it really quick... like nothing ever happened."

True, but they always have to think about if their behaviour will hurt or not. I want my children to do, as I want because they want to please me. And they do.

As I said I do not say your opinion is wrong and mine is right but I look at this in a different way.

[Anette]

I dont even do timeouts... I think thats demeaning to a child.

"Be the person you want your child to be" If you dont want your child to scream, dont scream yourself. If you dont want him to steal, tell him stealing is NOT OK. And show by example, like going to the store and make up with the owner, thats embarrasing...

True, everything you wrote. My experience about time out is that if you use this method you do it when they are small children 1 and maybe 2 years old to marking a limit, you do not have to do it later because there are no need. But the best thing is as you wrote setting good examples. But it is my utter limit distract them from situation until they've calmed down.

[sumay28]

I've tried the other way. I didn't start with spanking. I just recently starting the booty-whoopin'. I hate it. I tell them that I hate it. But if I don't, I'll be stepped on. When I beat them, they think twice before repeating what they did. But kids forget. My baby niece is definitely a little less violent. She screams, but she thinks twice before hitting the other kids. The beating works, but they just find new bone-headed things to do. There's 4 of them, man! They feed off of eachother's bad behavior. I was an only child... no one to really get me into trouble. If my dad yelled at me I would shatter into a million pieces. You yell at these kids they laugh! :rant:

[Anette]

I've tried the other way. I didn't start with spanking. I just recently starting the booty-whoopin'. I hate it. I tell them that I hate it. But if I don't, I'll be stepped on. When I beat them, they think twice before repeating what they did. But kids forget. My baby niece is definitely a little less violent. She screams, but she thinks twice before hitting the other kids. The beating works, but they just find new bone-headed things to do. There's 4 of them, man! They feed off of eachother's bad behavior. I was an only child... no one to really get me into trouble. If my dad yelled at me I would shatter into a million pieces. You yell at these kids they laugh! :rant:

I also have four children so I know what you talking about regarding feed off of eachother´s bad behaviour. :)

I feel so sad when you are writing that you hate it.

It is not easy bringing up children and we all do our best. That is something that is for sure.



Peace