Etiquette between Spouses

[DaSangarTalib]

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A Muslim recognizes that there are some common etiquette between a husband and wife. These are the rights that each one has upon the other. This is based on Allah's statement: "And they (women), have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, But men have a degree (of responsibility) over them." (Holy Qur'an, 2:228)

This noble Verse makes it clear that each spouse has rights over the other. However, the Verse specifically mentions the man as having an additional degree of rights with respect to special rights.

Allah's Messenger (SAWS) said on the occasion of the farewell Hajj: "Verily, you have rights over your wives and your wives have rights over you." (Abu Dawud)

Some of these rights are common between the two spouses while others are specific for one of the spouses. As for the common rights, they are the following:

1. Loyalty and honesty: That is, it is obligatory upon each spouse to be truthful and honest with respect to the other. One does not cheat the other in any way, big or small. The two spouses are like two partners. Therefore, there must be trust, sincerity, honesty and truthfulness between them concerning every matter of their lives, both private and public.

2. Love and mercy: Each one of them should have as much love and mercy as he can for the other. This should be something common between them for all of their lives. In this way, they fulfill Allah's words: "And among His signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy." (Holy qur'an, 30:21)

This would also be in fulfillment of the Prophet's words: "The one who is not merciful will not be shown mercy." (At-Tabarani)

3. Mutual trust between them: Each one of them should have complete trust in the other and should not have the least amount of doubt or suspicion concerning the other's honesty, sincerity and devotion to the other.

Allah's Messenger (SAWS) also said: "None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself." (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

The bond between spouses goes beyond the bond of simple brotherhood with respect to trust, strength and fervor.

Each spouse should realize that he/she is the essence and personification of the other. How could a person not trust himself and not be sincere to himself? How could a person cheat and deceive himself?

4. General good manners: This includes kindness in dealings with each other, smiling at each other, good and noble speech, respect and regard for one another. This is the "honorable and good treatment" that is ordered by Allah (SWT) in the Verse, "… And live with them honorably." (Holy Qur'an, 4:19)

This is the fulfilling of the advice to treat them well that is found in the words of Allah's Messenger (SAWS):"I advise you to treat women well." (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

These are, in general, the etiquette that are shared between the husband and the wife. These should be mutual between them. This is how to act upon the "firm and strong covenant" that is referred to in the Verse: "And how could you take it (back) while you have gone in unto each other, and they have taken from you a firm and strong covenant?" (Holy Qur'an, 4:21)

This is also in obedience to Allah's command in the Verse: "And do not forget liberality between yourselves. Truly, Allah is All-Seer of what you do." (Holy Qur'an 2:237)

As for the specific rights and manners that each spouse must perform with respect to the other, they include the following:

1. The Rights of the Wife Upon the Husband

It is obligatory upon the husband to fulfill the following etiquette with respect to his wife:

1. He must treat her in a respectable and honorable manner, as Allah (SWT) says: "And live with them honorably." (Holy Qur'an, 4:19)

He must feed her when he is fed and clothe her when he is clothed. He must also discipline her if he fears Nushooz (recalcitrance on her part) in the way that Allah (SWT) has ordered the women to be disciplined. First, he is to advise her without abusing her, swearing at her or shaming her. If she obeys him, that is the end of the matter. If she does not obey him, then he separates from her in their bedding. If she then reforms herself, the matter is concluded.

Otherwise, he may beat her lightly, not in the face and not in a bruising manner or one that would cause bleeding, tearing of the skin, breaking of a bone or the like. These are his responsibilities in accord with the Verse: "As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance)..." (Holy Qur'an, 4:34)

The Prophet (SAWS) said in response to a man who asked him what were the rights of the wives upon them: "That you feed her when you feed yourself. You clothe her when you clothe yourself. You do not strike the face. You do not shame her and you do not boycott her except in the house." (Abu Dawud)

In another Hadith, it states: "Verily, their rights upon you are that you treat them well with respect to their clothing and food." (At-Tirmithi and Ibn Majah)

Yet another Hadith states: "A believing man does not dislike a believing woman. If he dislikes one character in her, he is pleased with another." (Muslim)

2. He must teach her what she must necessarily know of her religion, if she is not already knowledgeable of it. If he does not or cannot, he must permit her to attend the lectures or gatherings in which she can attain such knowledge. This is because her need to correct her religion and purify her soul is no less than her need for food and drink, that one is obliged to supply her with. This is based on Allah's saying: "O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell)... " (Holy Qur'an, 66:6)

The wife is part of the family and it is obligatory to protect her from the Hell-fire through faith and good deeds. Good deeds are definitely in need of knowledge and recognition so that one can actually fulfill and execute them in the way that they are demanded by the Shari'ah.

Furthermore, the Prophet (SAWS) said: "I advise you to treat women well, for they are like captives under your control." (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

This admonition includes teaching them what they need to know to rectify their religion and to educate them in what is necessary for her to know in order to follow the right path and proper manner in every affair.

3. He must make her adhere to the Islamic teachings and manners. He should rebuke her whenever she may go against those teachings. He must prevent her from appearing without Hijab (veil) and displaying her beauty. He must keep her from mixing with men other than her male relatives that she cannot marry.

At the same time, he must give her all the means that protect her properly and guard over her. He cannot permit her to do any act that will harm her character or religion. He should not give her any opportunity to go against the commands of Allah (SWT) and His Messenger (SAWS) and to be disobedient. This is because this is his guardianship and he will be asked about it. He is responsible to protect it and guard it, as Allah (SWT) has said: "Men are the protectors and maintainers of women..." (Holy Qur'an, 4:34)

Allah's Messenger (SAWS) said: "The man is responsible for his household and he will be asked about his guardianship." (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

4. He must be just between his wife and her co-wives, if she has co-wives. He must be equitable with respect to food, drink, clothing, living with and sleeping in their beds. He cannot be unequal in any of these matters nor can he wrong or oppress any of his wives.

Allah (SWT) has forbidden that in His words: "...but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (slaves) that your right hands possess." (Holy Qur'an, 4:3)

Furthermore, Allah's Messenger (SAWS) has advised that they be treated in the best manner when he said: "The best of you is the best to his family and I am the best to my family." (At-Tabarani)

5. The husband must not spread her private aspects to others, nor should he mention her shortcomings to others. He is supposed to be a type of guardian and entrusted one for her. He should seek her welfare and defend her honor.

Allah's Messenger (SAWS) also said: "The people in the worst position in Allah's sight on the Day of Resurrection is a man who goes to his wife and she to him and he then spreads her secrets." (Muslim)

(Translated by: Jamaal Zarabozo)

:wasalamex

[MetSudaisTwice]

salam
mashallah very beneficial
jazakallah for posting
wasalam